I hate him. I really do. He's just so....so...God, he's

something, and I'll think of what he is in a minute. He

makes me so angry sometimes, and where does he get off

acting like he knows me, my inner thoughts. Granted, he

was right, but still....I hate him!

Sometimes, I really want to ram a stake into his heart and

watch as he disappears in a flash of dust. Sometimes, I want

to throw a lit match onto his chest and watch as he burns.

Sometimes, I want to grab him and press my body to his.

Sometimes, I want to feel his tongue in my mouth, and, my

God, am I actually thinking this?

It's been like this since he left town again. I start thinking

about how much I want to kill him, and I end up wanting him.

Not wanting him dead, just wanting him. I haven't felt need

like this the night after Angel and I....

You ever get the feeling that God's staring down at you and

laughing his ass off? That's the way I feel. I feel like I'm

the butt of some grand cosmic joke. I'm the Vampire Slayer, and

I'm in love with, not one but, two vampires. No, my life doesn't

suck.

Yeah, I'm actually admitting it. I love Spike. I think I first

realized it when I saw what he was doing to get Drusilla back.

The jealousy I felt surprised the hell out of me. I wonder if

he knew. I wonder when he was giving his little speech about

friends if he could see inside my head, if he could see the pain

I was going through to know he cared that much about Drusilla.

I'd give everything if he could just care about me like that.

He knows me better than anyone else. Better than Angel...better

than Willow...better than Xander. Hell, even better than myself.

Maybe that's why I hate him. Maybe that's why I love him.

God, I'm *so* confused!

*Fin*

Comments? Send too Samantha McCullah

Get me back to Angel of the Night!

Get me back to Spike's Corner!

Get me outta here period!