SCHOOL HARD (2.3)

SPIKES FIRST WORDS: Home sweet home.

UGLY VAMP: When I kill her, it'll be the greatest event since the crucifixion. And I should know. I was there.
SPIKE: You were there? Oh please. If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock!
UGLY VAMP: I ought to rip your throat out.
SPIKE: Would it kill ya', little mouthwash every couple hundred years? I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. Fed off a flower person and spent six hours watching my hands move.

SPIKE: You know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
ANOINTED ONE: Can you?
SPIKE: A lot faster than fatboy here. Doncha' think? He agrees. Where was I? Oh yeah, I did a couple Slayers in my time. Don't like to brag. Oh, who am I kidding, I love to brag.

BUFFY: Who are you?
SPIKE: You'll find out on Saturday.
BUFFY: What happens on Saturday?
SPIKE: I kill you.

SPIKE: You think you can fool me? You were my sire, man... you were my Yoda!
ANGEL: Things change.
SPIKE: Not us! Not demons. Man, I can't believe this - you Uncle Tom!

BUFFY: Do we really need weapons for this?
SPIKE: I just like 'em. Make me feel all manly.
 

LIE TO ME (2.7)

FORD: Do you ever slide down that thing? I bet you do.
SPIKE: Do I have anyone on watch here? It's called security, people. Are you all asleep? Or did we finally find a restaurant that delivers.

SPIKE: I've know you for two minutes and I can't stand you. I don't really feature you living forever. (to Dru) Can I eat him now, love?
 

WHAT'S MY LINE Part 1 (2.9)

DALTON: But... The Order of Taranta. I mean, don't you think that's overkill?
SPIKE No. I think it's just enough kill.

WILLY: What're you gonna do with him, anyway?
SPIKE: I'm thinking - maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
 

SURPRISE (2.13)

ANGEL: Leave her alone.
SPIKE: Yeah, that'll work. Now say 'pretty please'.
ANGEL: Take me instead of her!
SPIKE: Uh, you're not clear on the concept, pal. There is no 'instead'. Just first and second.
 

INNOCENCE (2.14)

THE JUDGE: I am preparing.
SPIKE: Yeah, it's interesting to me that preparing looks a great bit like sitting on your arse. When do we destroy the world already
THE JUDGE: My strength grows. And every life I take will increase it further.
SPIKE: So let's take some! I'm bored!

SPIKE: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.
 

BEWITCHED, BOTHERED AND BEWILDERED (2.16)

ANGEL: Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
SPIKE: Why don't you rip her lungs out? Might make an impression.
ANGEL: Lacks... poetry.
SPIKE: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
 

PASSION (2.17)

SPIKE: Are you insane?! We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in the friends' beds.
DRUSILLA: But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.
SPIKE: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his hijinks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!
 

BECOMING Part 1 (2.21)

ANGEL: You can see all that in your head?
SPIKE: No, you ninny. She read it in the morning paper.

SPIKES ASSESSMENT OF ACATHLA: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.

SPIKE: Mmm. The demon wakes up, and wackiness ensues.
 

BECOMING Part 2 (2.22)

BUFFY: Okay. You do remember that you're a vampire, right?
SPIKE: We like to talk big. Vampires do. 'I'm going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got... dog racing, Manchester United. And you've got people. Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs. It's all right here. But then someone comes along with a vision. With a real... passion for destruction. Angel could pull it off. Goodbye, Piccadilly. Farewell, Leicester Bloody Square. You know what I'm saying?

SPIKE: Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her! Though not from your perspective, I suppose.

ANGEL: Keep out of it, sit 'n' spin.
SPIKE: Look, you cut him up, you'll never get your answers.
ANGEL: Since when did you become so levelheaded?
SPIKE: Right about the time you became so pig-headed. You have your way with him, you'll never get to destroy the world. And I don't fancy spending the next month trying to get librarian out of the carpet.

SPIKE: I don't want to hurt you pet. (thump) Doesn't mean I won't.
 

LOVERS WALK (3.8)

SPIKE: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared?

SPIKE: But this is different! Our love was eternal! Literally! You got any of those little marshmallows?
JOYCE: Let me look.

ANGEL: Spike.
JOYCE: Oh, my God. Get out of here!
SPIKE: Yeah. You're not invited.
JOYCE: He's crazy. He'll kill us.
SPIKE: Not while I breathe. Well, actually, I don't breathe.
ANGEL: Joyce, listen to me.
JOYCE: You get out of this house, or I will stake you myself.
SPIKE: You're a very bad man.

SPIKE: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
ANGEL: That's right.
SPIKE: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. Love isn't brains, children, it's blood...blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.

SPIKE: I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrongheaded about this. Weeping, crawling, blaming everybody else. I want Dru back, I've just gotta be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm gonna do what I shoulda done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her until she likes me again.

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