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THE REAL ME (5.2)

HARMONY: I'm not going to make the same mistakes you did. I'm doing my homework. Reading books and stuff.
SPIKE: What, Evil for Dummies?

THE REPLACEMENT (5.3)

RILEY: What are you doing here, Spike?
SPIKE: Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who's set up a tea room over by the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing?

OUT OF MY MIND (5.4)

SPIKE: Oh, Pacey! You blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?

SPIKE: OK. Is it bigger than a breadbox?
HARMONY: No. Four left.
SPIKE: So it's smaller than a breadbox.
HARMONY: Heh heh! No, only three.
SPIKE: Harmony... is it a soddingbreadbox?
HARMONY: Yes! Oh, my God. Someone'sblondy bear is a Twenty Questions genius!

SPIKE: Funny, 'cause I've got a proposition for you. What about knocking? It seems only fair considering we vamps can't enter your flat without an invite that you could at least -- say, look at those pretty pieces of paper.

HARMONY Wow. Spikey! How does it feel?
SPIKE: Like someone's cutting into my brain with a knife, you silly bint!

SPIKE: Buffy. I swear I was just thinking of you. I wanted to tell you the great news. My head's all clear now. No more bug-zapper in my noggin.
BUFFY: That means I get to kill you.
SPIKE: You get to try.

NO PLACE LIKE HOME (5.4)

BUFFY: What are you doing here? Five words or less.
SPIKE: Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.

BUFFY: Fine. Keep going, I cut you a break.
SPIKE: Oh, yeah. Okay, let me guess... you won't kill me? Wooo... the whole crowd-pleasing threats-and-swagger routine. How stunningly original. You know, I'm just passing through. Satisfied? You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfactionin life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and ... and you have stupid hair.

FOOL FOR LOVE (5.7)

SPIKE: Right. You want to learn allabout how I bested the Slayers and you want to learn fast. Right, then.We fought. I won. The end. Pay up.

SPIKE: What can I tell you, baby? I've always been bad.

SNOB 1: Have you heard? They call him William the Bloody because of his bloody awful poetry!
SNOB 2: It suits him. I'd rather have a railroad spike through my head than listen to that awful stuff!

SPIKE: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I sully our good name? We're vampires.

BUFFY: You think we're dancing?
SPIKE: That's all we've ever done.

TRIANGLE (5.11)

XANDER: I'm gonna run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
SPIKE: Yeah, I could do that, but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.

CHECKPOINT (5.12)

SPIKE: Oh, it's the Slayer. For asecond there I was worried.

JOYCE: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
SPIKE: Oh! No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake.
JOYCE: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.

BLOOD TIES (5.13)

DAWN: Geez! Lurk much?
SPIKE: I wasn't lurking. I was standing about. It's a whole different vibe.

DAWN: Sorry, it's just ... come on. I'm badder than you.
SPIKE: Are not!
DAWN: Am too. You're standing in the bushes hugging a bent box of chocolates, and I'm-
SPIKE: What? Sneaking out to braid hair and watch Teletubbies with your mates?

CRUSH (5.14)

XANDER: The point is, I work hard for that money.
SPIKE: And you're saying I didn't?
XANDER: You stole it.
SPIKE: And you're making it into very hard work!

I WAS MADE TO LOVE YOU (5.15)

SPIKE: Small world. Oh dear. If looks could stake. You having fun, pet? You ... trolling for your next ex? I gotta say, you can do better.
BUFFY: I told you, I wa-
SPIKE: Thought I was gonna leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.

FOREVER (5.17)

SPIKE: Care? Joyce was the only one of the lot of you that I could stand.
XANDER: And the only one with a daughter you wanted to shag. I'm touched.
SPIKE: I liked the lady. Understand, monkey boy? She was decent. Didn't put on airs. Always had a nice cuppa for me· And she never treated me like a freak.

INTERVENTION (5.18)

SPIKE: Damn right I'm impure, I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow! Let me go!

SPIKE: Yeah, okay. The Key. Well, here's the thing. It's that guy. On TV. What's his name?
GLORY: On the television?
SPIKE: On that show, the Price show, where they guess what stuff costs--
MURK: The Price is Right?
JINX: Bob Barker.
MURK: We will get Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!

GLORY: The vampire is lying to me!
SPIKE: Yeah, but it was fun. And guess what, bitch? I'm not telling you jack. You're never gonna get your sodding Key because you might be strong, but in our world, you're an idiot-
GLORY: Stop it! I am a God.
SPIKE: The God of What? Bad home perms?
GLORY: Shut up! I command you shut up!
SPIKE: Yeah, okay. I mean, sorry, but I just had no idea Gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words, the Slayer is going to kick your skanky lop-sided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion victim ex-God like you.

BUFFYBOT: Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
SPIKE: She wanted to know who the Key was.
BUFFYBOT: I can tell her! Then you won't -
SPIKE: No! You can't ever! Glory never finds out.
BUFFYBOT: Why?
SPIKE: Buffy - the other· the not-so-pleasant Buffy. Something happened to Dawn it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. I'd let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.

TOUGH LOVE (5.19)

SPIKE: I'm a vampire. I know something about evil. You're not evil.
DAWN: Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm not evil but I don't think I can be good.
SPIKE: Well, I'm not good, and I'm okay.

SPIKE: So, you're saying a powerful and mightily pissed-off witch was planning to go out and spill herself a few pints of God blood until you ... explained?
BUFFY: You think she'd...? No. I told Willow, fighting Glory'd be suicide...
SPIKE: I'd do it. Right person. Person I loved. I'd do it.

SPIRAL (5.20)

SPIKE: Buckle up, kids! Daddy's puttin' the hammer down.

GILES: (calling to Gang) Weapons?!
SPIKE: Hello! You're driving one!

DAWN: Keep the pressure on.
SPIKE: Always do, sweet bit.

THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD (5.21)

SPIKE: Better part of a century spent in delinquency just paid off. Hot-wired Ben's auto. Who's for getting the hell out of here?

SPIKE: You do remember? Is everyone here very stoned? Ben. Glory. He's a doctor. She's the Beast. Two entirely separate entities, sharing one body. It's like a bloody sitcom! Surely, you remember!
XANDER: So you're saying... Ben, and Glory ...
ANYA: Have a... connection.
GILES: Yes, obviously. But what kind?
SPIKE: Ah! I get it. Very crafty. Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-chango instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human, stands immune.

SPIKE: Found Ben's room at Glory's. Didn't learn much.
XANDER: Wait - Ben? At Glory's? So you're saying that all this time he was sub-letting from her?
SPIKE: This - is gonna be worth it.
Spike smacks Xander in the head.
SPIKE: Ow!
XANDER: Ow!
They both rub their heads as they exit the hospital.
SPIKE: Last time, from the top ...

THE GIFT (5.22)

SPIKE: 'Cause it's always gotta be blood.
XANDER: We're not actually discussing dinner right now.
SPIKE: Blood is life, lackbrain. Why do you think we eat it? It's what keeps you going, makes you warm, makes you hard, makes you other than dead. 'Course it's her blood.

SPIKE: (to Buffy) When you say you love us all--
XANDER/GILES: Shut up.

BUFFY: I'm counting on you, Spike. To help protect her.
SPIKE: 'Til the end of the world -- even if that happens to be tonight.

SPIKE: Not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
GILES: "We few..."
GILES/ SPIKE: "we happy few..."
SPIKE: "We band of buggered..."

SPIKE: I made a promise to a lady.

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