This essay is a compilation of ideas from members' posts on the Bloody Awful Poet Society mailing list."WHISPER IN A DEAD MAN'S EAR, IT DOESN'T MAKE IT REAL"
In "Once More with Feeling," Spike complained in his song that all Buffy did was use him to tell her secrets because he was a "dead man," and she didn't consider it real in talking with him.
In "Gone," Spike finds himself no longer able to entice Buffy into a conversation at all. Instead, she plays with his ear because she's invisible, and no one will know. Again, she's interacting with Spike in what is not a real situation for her.
Despite the fact that Spike can now get his sexual release through Buffy, he finds in "Gone" that it's not as sweet as he thought it was going to be. And there are Redemptive elements to be found in his reaction.
In the crypt scene, Xander shows up, having insulted Spike only that morning by telling him he doesn't have a chance with Buffy and that only a "loser" would hook up with him anyway. This would have been the perfect opportunity for Spike to get back at him for that. Instead, he covers for Buffy, even though she is making it difficult.
After Xander leaves, Spike calls Buffy on her behavior. He points out that she's only behaving this way because she's "not really there." He realizes when she says 'it's great, no one can see her, no one can find out' that once again, he is the shameful secret. Spike stopped being fulfilled the moment he figured out she was only there because no one could see her, including him and herself. She was free of reports and responsibility and life, and Spike correctly pointed out being free from life is being dead.
Buffy was playing with him, and Spike wants more. To be true to himself and to his feelings for Buffy, he must require that she see him as a person. Perhaps love is too much to ask at this point, but respect never is.
It was also the hard thing. They were clearly having FUN. And let's face it, throwing her out may end that not just today, but forever.
Ultimately, then, it was definitely redemptionistic. Not so much because he is looking out for Buffy but because he is trying to bring honesty into their relationship, whatever it may be.
Was there some selfishness in his actions? Sure there were. The only way this could have been totally altruistic would be if Spike had no interest in Buffy except as a purely platonic friend, and that's not going to happen anytime soon. He was looking out for his own best interests as well, definitely. But rather than those interests being about his sex drive, they were about his self worth, and about the condition of his relationship with the woman he loves.
Other Redemption-friendly signs in "Gone"
• He tried to straighten up when he realized who the social worker was and endorsed Buffy's parenting skills (even if he did stick his foot in his mouth).
• When he was at the house, he tried to talk with Buffy about their relationship
• He stuck around to see how it went with the social worker and tried to lend moral support (even if Buffy wouldn't accept it). One can see the switch from empathy to putting up the big bad facade to cover up his vulnerability and hurt at this rejection.