Fanfiction: Sadness Fades (In Her Arms pt 3)

Sadness is what happens when I’m all alone at night. It’s what happens when no one’s around to distract me. It rivals my loneliness for dominance in my heart. Sometimes I feel like there is no one. No one for me. It’ll always just be me. Not just romantically, but with friendship as well. Like I’ll be alone forever and my heart will always be this cold.

I’ve been told that I have problems. It’s nothing new. I’ve known for years. Somewhere inside of me there’s this scared nine year old, wanting to be strong but only ever succeeding in being weak. Inside of me there’s an even younger child screaming for it all to stop. She doesn’t know what’s going on. She doesn’t know how to stop it. She has no control. It’s all been taken.

I find it interesting to note that now that I’m, more or less, an adult and have the control, I don’t use it wisely. I indulge myself. Maybe not with expensive things, but I indulge myself with pity and thinking that the world owes me.

This has no point. None what so ever, but Xander said that he wanted me to write in his journal and so I did. I guess I’m indulging him this time instead of myself. He told me to write about anything and I’m sure he’ll read this, so Hi, Xander.

I’m not nervous about you reading this. Really. I mean, I’ve told you almost everything anyway. So, what should I write? Something about slaying? No, that’s really nothing you want to read about, ‘cause well, I don’t know. Do you want to hear about it? I know that you’re not as involved as before and I know that you’d like to be. Xander, if it was up to me, I’d take you out patrolling with me all the time. But Giles has ‘expressly forbid it’. But since when did I ever listen to the voice of authority? You can come with me and we can slay side by side while talking about… stuff, I guess.

I like hanging with you, Xander. And I like that you’re staying with me now. That stuff that I wrote up top about the sadness coming when I’m all alone at night? It’s not entirely true anymore. You’re here and you just hold me and the sadness stays away. It’s because of your arms that I can sleep at night.

You know, you should go back to school soon. They’re going to call the authorities and they’ll take you away, although you know what’s interesting? I’m younger than you and no one’s come for me. Giles doesn’t even care that I live on my own. He hasn’t even offered to let me stay with him. Not that I want to, but you know what I’m saying, or writing, actually.

You should finish school. Oh! Or get your GED. That way you don’t have to go to school and you and I can just stay together without pressure from anything. Although, there is sill that pesky therapist of yours and Giles. I’ve done pretty well avoiding Giles’ questions of if I’ve seen you lately. Pretty soon he’s going to follow me and I won’t know it and I’ll lead him to you. That or he’ll just show up here.

‘Kay, so I’m looking at you now. You’re watching my screwed up TV, lying on your stomach with your legs bent at the knee and your feet dangling in the air. You’re watching the Three Stooges. You’ve got such a nice laugh, Xander. I wish I heard it more. Of course, it’s not like I’m a barrel of giggles either, but you make me laugh… in a good way.

You make me feel like I can be happy. Like there’s light somewhere in my world of darkness.

Bet you never thought I had thoughts like that, huh? Just thought I was a brain dead sexpot, huh? Just kidding. I know you don’t judge me like the rest and I know that you think more highly of me than that.

I’m going to give you a backrub now, so I’m going to stop writing. Lucky you, huh? In two ways. You get a backrub and you get me to stop writing.

I’m so happy with Faith. All that stuff she wrote, it makes me happy. It makes me feel…well whole sounds so corny, but it’s the truth. She makes me feel whole.

I told her that I wouldn’t read what she wrote if she didn’t want me to, but she told me to read it. She plopped it down in front of my face near the end of the Three Stooges episode. She told me to read it, so I did and while I did, she climbed onto me and gave me a backrub. She has strong hands.

The backrub lead to other stuff and I’m not sure what to feel or think about it. Most of me is so very happy to have experienced that stuff with her, but there’s a part of me that just fucking scared. We didn’t… we didn’t actually have sex… in the traditional sense. I did that thing where I get all distant and didn’t look at her for awhile.

She was nice and didn’t make me feel bad about it. She said that she understood. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, at least most of me. And it wasn’t that I couldn’t, you know, get hard, ‘cause I did. It’s just… God, this is hard to write. I can’t… I have a hard time letting myself… God. I can’t come. All it ever ends up being is painful.

Faith had to stop… doing what she was doing because I started to cry. That’s not really a turn for a girl on or a self-esteem booster for me. Like I said, she didn’t make me feel bad about it, I made myself feel bad. She just held me. She said that it was okay and that it would all be okay and after that she didn’t say anything, she just held me.

I was supposed to go to see Dr. Leigh today, but I skipped the appointment. You know, when they find me, they’re going to be really mad and I’ll either be on house arrest at Giles’ or I’ll end up in some institution for kids with problems.

But instead of going to Dr. Leigh, Faith and I stayed in and ordered Chinese. It’s about eight now and she’s got to go out and slay bad things. I’d go with her, but she’s doing that tag team slaying thing with Buffy, so not only would I not be welcome, I wouldn’t want to be there.

So I’m writing in your journal again. You’re taking a shower. Don’t worry, I didn’t read anything and I’m not going to. I just want to write to you.

Buffy asked about you. I told her that I hadn’t seen you and she hadn’t believed me. I think maybe we should move out of this motel and move into some other roach infested cheap dwelling. I’ll say something once you get out of the shower. Maybe I’ll just join you. Or maybe not.

Xander, I want you to be happy and I want you to be comfortable with me.

You haven’t told me exactly everything about you and your childhood and that’s okay, you don’t have to. I can guess and I know that it’s kind of like mine. Only it was my step fathers who hurt me and it was your real dad.

Sometimes, I think about it. About what they did and I just can’t function. Do you ever get like that? Do you ever just curl up and pray to whoever is listening to take it all away?

You know, after my step dads fucked me, it was like nothing mattered. I think my mom knew about it but she was too busy passing out to do anything.

I started having sex with anyone who would have sex with me. Friends, my mom’s dealers and fellow junkies, teachers, anyone. I figure for you that it’s just the opposite. Instead of having a lot of sex, you didn’t have any and all your interest sort of dwindled. I promise that I’m not going to hurt you. Ever.

I know that day last week pissed you off. I should have done something when you walked into the library and I should have done something when you walked out. I should have and if I could take it back I would and I’d do it all over. I would have stood up and took your hand and led you over to the table and sat down with you. ‘Cause screw everyone else.

You’re out of the shower now and you look so good with just that towel wrapped around your waist and your hair dripping.

It’s me and you, Xander. We’re good together. We’re good for each other.

I want us to be like this, or something remarkably similar to this, for a long time. I want you to protect me and I want to protect you.

Can we do that?

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