Fanfiction: To Love Me (In Her Arms pt2)

So today wasn’t so good. I had school, which I didn’t want to go to. And for some reason my friends think that avoiding me is the best way to help me. Of course, it is. It’s the best way to help me go home and snort coke with my mother.

Since I got out of detox, I’ve been staying at Giles’. Not that I want to, but I have to. It’s either that or some foster home until I’m eighteen. He gave me hell about staying out all night with Faith. Apparently he thinks I need a father figure and I so don’t. I had a father figure and he very nicely fucked up my life. But whatever.

So anyway, my bad day. Since everyone’s avoiding me because I’m now not only the school loser, I’m the school leper, I had to sit by myself at lunch. I know it doesn’t seem like a big deal, but believe me, when you’re sitting there all alone in a cafeteria full of people you grew up with and there is no one there willing to speak to you, it’s a big fucking deal.

So I go into the library after school, thinking that I’ll shelve books for Giles, get back on his good side. So I opened the door, and everyone was there. Giles, Buffy, Cordelia, Oz, Willow, Faith and even Angel, even though it was daylight out, he was there. And they all turn to me as I’m walking in and the conversation stops. It doesn’t slow, it fucking stops.

And it’s never been as clear to me as it was today. I’m not apart of them anymore. I’m not a member of the Scooby Gang. I’m nothing and I’m nobody. And it fucking pisses me off. You’d think that Giles would tell them that what I need right now are friends. He knows what I’m going through. He hears me at night when I sob in my sleep. But no, the fucker just stands there and lets them forget about their friendships with me.

I just did that thing where I turn my face to stone. I saw Faith give me a tiny smile, but it wasn’t enough. So I just backed out of the library and fled the school. I went back to Giles’ and am now just lying down, crying because I can’t stop. I hope he doesn’t get back until really late. I don’t want to see him.

I’m not going to Faith’s tonight. I’m staying in. Why? Because I don’t need her. All that shit I wrote before was nothing. It was just me being a stupid idiot again. I’m better off being alone.

I’ve lost a lot of weight since last school year. Mainly due to my drug habit and now, I’m always too upset to eat. I can’t even remember the last time I ate just because I wanted to. And I have no idea why I wrote that down, but I don’t think it matters so much. My mind is going all over the place write now, so I’m just going to write.

You know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be so many things and now I realize that I’ll never be any of them. You know what sucks about living with Giles? I don’t have a fucking room. I’ve got a little cot that he set up in his tiny little den crammed full of his stupid ass books.

God. I’m so angry. Why am I this angry? I’m so angry it makes me feel guilty. I want to hit something really hard. I really don’t want to stay here. I want to go back home where my mom is. Isn’t that sick? I’d rather be at home with a junkie then live with a guy who is mostly nice?

I wonder if there’s a NA meeting tonight or at the very least an AA meeting beacuse I feel like going out and getting all fucked up. I’ve got the money. I know the dealers. Hell, I could just go talk to Mom. She’d give me some drugs. It wouldn’t matter what kind of drugs, just something to take all this away. Just something to dull the pain.

So I had a session with Dr. Leigh and not surprisingly, she doesn’t like how I’m talking. I’m not sure exactly how I’m talking, but if it’s anything like how I’m feeling, it’s not good. I told her about wanting a fix and she got that look in her eye. It’s the look that tells me NOT to tell her shit like that. I have a feeling that one day soon, she’s going to send me back to an institution. She’s going to commit me and put me on heavy medication so that even when I turn eighteen, I’ll be too doped up to check myself out.

I skipped school today. After my appointment this morning, I just didn’t go in. I’m thinking I should drop out. Although, that’s rather stupid since I only have a little while longer to go. Giles would never allow it, but I’m also thinking of not staying here anymore. I could go home. I mean, about the time I was getting addicted to Mom’s drugs, Dad went to jail, so it’s not like he’d be around. And it’s not like Mom ever hit me more than once or twice and she’s lost a lot of her strength because of the drugs. I could live with Mom.

I don’t give a shit about what Dr. Leigh or the child welfare people or anyone says. I don’t have to stay here. They can’t make me stay with Giles. I could always lie and tell them that he’s a homosexual and never leaves me alone at night. Of course, I’d never do that. Giles may just be the nicest person I know and he’s never made me feel like he was trying to take advantage of me.

I just don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go. I want to go to Faith’s and just curl up in her arms, but I don’t think I can. I’m not sure if I should.

Giles was upset that I skipped school. He’s going full Father mode now. Apparently I’m grounded. He wasn’t happy that I started laughing when he said that I was grounded. He went out on patrol with Buffy and Faith, so I just left. Like I was going to let him treat me like I’m his kid.

I’m at the Denny’s now. The coffee’s cheap and I can smoke, so it’s all good. Now the only thing left to do is for me to decide if I’m going back to Giles’ or not. There aren’t too many options for me. Mom, Giles…Faith.

Fuck, now I’m crying. I don’t even know why. I’ve just got this empty feeling. Is it wrong to want Faith to hold me? Is it wrong for me to want her to love me? My heart’s so cold.

I think that’s one reason why I did so many drugs. They warmed my heart, or at least made it feel like it was warm.

I want Faith to be the one to give me actual warmth. It’s what I need; it’s what I’ve always needed.

Well, I ended up going to Faith’s. It was nearly seven in the morning when I showed up on at her door. She just opened the door, saw me, took my hand and pulled me inside. She said that Giles and everyone were worried sick about me. I don’t believe that, but it’s kind of nice to hear.

She held me and I cried. She understands. She’s maybe the only one who understands.

She said that she won’t tell Giles that I’m staying with her. Faith’s just going to tell him that she saw me and I told her that I’m fine. We figure that he’ll find out where I am soon enough anyway.

I can’t wait until I’m eighteen. I won’t have to deal with this shit. I can live where I want to live and I won’t have to go see Dr. Leigh again.

Faith’s out patrolling now. She should be back soon, which is good because I’m missing her arms around me already.

I want her to love me. I think I need her to love me.

You have exceeded the allowed page load frequency.