- Welcome To The Hellmouth
by Dust -??.??.04
[ angelinvestigations@gmail.com ]

  We open on a gorgeous day. The sun is shining, birds are chirping, the paperboy is riding down the street on his bicycle, waving to Mr. McCalister watering his tomato plants in his front yard.

Oh. Wait. Scratch that.

We open in the dark, lonely hallways of Sunnydale High at night….where just enough lights are on to where we can see the teen's faces.You would think the janitor would care enough to not waste electricity. That's why we have a power shortage, Marcus. We see what looks to be a bunch of scientific thingamabobs sitting on the counter, and a skull. Ooh, not even five minutes in and already scaaary. Suddenly, a fist comes through the window and a boy and a girl enter. Yea. Punch through the window. Real cool. I'm sure that impressed her. The girl looks like the average 'Scared-innocent-Schoolgirl' but oh, no no no, my friends. I don't want to spoil the surprise. Shh. She tells him that she's scared she will get in trouble, because she's found that special way to get an A. Or something like that. He tells her it will be fine, and that they are alone. Suddenly she vamps out and sinks her fangs into his big dumb neck. Suprise! He deserved it. Punk.

Opening credits. Y'know. That was a dumb teaser. Even when I was in 4th grade, I was like 'Uh. That sucked'. But luckily I didn't turn it back to The Magic School Bus quite yet.

Uh oh. Buffy's dreaming about churches. You know what that means. She's going to burst into flames. Joyce and her poofy hair enters the room and does the mom "thang" and tells her to wake the hell up, to which Buffy replies 'I HATE YOU!' and throws a pillow at her head. I'm guessing after we miss a steamy shower scene, they pull up to school. Buffy's mom tells her not to get kicked out. Buffy screams and throws and apple at Joyce's head. Xander is doing his best Bart Simpson and skating along the sidewalk, telling people off as he goes. He sees Buffy and crashes into a rail. Concussion time. Willow walks over to him, and we get a long talk establishing the fact that Xander and Willow are friends because she can do his homework. Then that dude from 'the Texas Chainsaw Massacre' walks over and is all 'Sup dudes'. And then I realized that hey, this guy is going to die, because 1)He's not funny. 2)There's already one teenage boy in this frame, and this is a WB show. Buffy enters Principal Flutie (my fallen soldja)'s office. He tells her that her past will not be judged there, and tears up her transcript, but then reads it and tapes it back up. Uh..don't you need that for college? Smooth, Flutes. Smooth. Buffy is done with Flutie and she's all 'I'm out', and is acting all cool, when she bumps into a girl in the hallway and all her stuff falls out of her purse/bag combo. Xander runs over to help her and asks 'Can I Have You?'. That reminds me of the time I helped my teacher pick up papers off the floor in 5th grade. Mrs.Letourneau was so nice to me. They laugh at the near-sexual –harassment and share awkward introductions. Xander grumbles to himself about how lame he is, which I do not disagree with, and he realizes that she dropped a stake out of her bag. A stake. Y'know, in case a vampire shows up in the middle of the day.

Buffy is sitting in class listening to a boring teacher talk about boring diseases, when she realizes she doesn't have a book, and looks around for help. A brunette girl helps a sista out and shares her book. Class ends, and Buffy and the brunette girl walk into the hallway. The girl introduces herself as Cordelia. Buffy introduces herself as well. They girl-talk about LA and how posh frappaccinos are and stuff that as a guy I could care less about. Willow walks to the water fountain in front of them, and Cordelia mocks her on her clothing. Great. So, thus far, we have:

1)The pretty loner girl
2)The nerdy pretty girl
3)The bitchy popular girl
4)The goofy unpopular boy

The stereotype list is nearly complete. Now all we need is an Urkel or a jive-talking' black guy. Never get those two confused.

Cordelia tells Buffy about this ultra-rad club called 'The Bronze' that all the 'kewl' kids chill at on Friday nights. OK, honestly. The Bronze? So, basically, the club is third from the best. It's the Paul Hamm before he threw a bitch fit and got his gold metal. Buffy reluctantly agrees and branches off to the library, where she stops at looks around. Buffy calls out for someone, and a stuffy British guy pops up from behind a desk. So, kind of like Ask Jeeves, except creepier and older. Plus, you can tell he's British because of his tweed jacket and glasses. He introduces himself as Mr. Giles. Buffy asks Giles for a book, and he spazzes out and slams down a giant, leather book with the word 'Vampyr' written on the front. Welcome to your new school, Buffy! Here's the handbook. Buffy double spazzes out when she sees the book and hauls ass out of the room. Giles huffs and puffs in a very Hugh Grant way as he watches her leave.

Two Cordettes are at their gym locker gossiping about Buffy. One opens her locker and the boy from the teaser's body falls out. They scream. Aah.

CUE SCARY COMMERCIAL MUSIC

I wonder what the commercials were playing on this break in 1997? Probably a Spice Girls movie ad, then an annoying 'New York City??' salsa ad, then 'Where's the beef??' followed by 'That's a spicy meat-a-ball'. And Murphy Brown. I love me some Murphy Brown.

Willow is outside sitting on a bench getting her study on when Buffy walks up. She asks Willow if she can get some help with her work,, cuZ shE'z lyK totiLly duM an StuFf. LoLz!! Willow agrees and tells her that they will meet in the library to study, because she has nothing better to do than help other people pass. Jesse and Xander walk up with the aura of comic relief and are introduced to Buffy. Cordelia walks by and snarks about some dead guy in one of her minion's lockers. Buffy is concerned about marks on the body. Buffy, you are in high school. Marks on people's necks are rather common. She jumps up and hurriedly leaves. Cordelia snarks that she is weird. Snark, snark..

Buffy walks into the locker room and looks at the body. Gasp, It has bite marks on it's neck. Ho, hum.

Buffy storms into the library and asks Giles what the 'sitch' is with the dead guy. Yea, I'm pretty sure the word 'sitch' wasn't even cool in 1997. But, whatever. Giles is all 'Wuhhhh?' and Buffy repeats her question. Giles confirms the fact that he heard about it. Because the librarian was the first person they told. Buffy pretends she doesn't know why he was drained, but Gives up the act after ten seconds. I have a feeling if she would have kept on, Giles would have just thought she was bizarre and kept groping his books. Buffy is pissed that there are vampires on campus. Really, who isn't. She wonders why she' can't be left alone. Giles expositions that "Into each generation a Slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a Chosen One, one born with the strength and skill to hunt the vampires...", then Buffy cuts him off and says that she's heard it already. Giles double expositions about zombies and demons and forces of darkness, oh my! Buffy says she's retired, and tells Giles that he can get his old coffee drinking butt out there and do it himself. He triple expositions that he is her watcher, and he is supposed to train her and all that fun stuff. Buffy gets whiney and stomps off into the hallway and Giles follows her. Xander peers out from behind a bookcase, confused. See, judging from the amount of students that didn't come into the library over three seasons of this show, I don't think Xander would be the one student that cares enough to enter it. Giles chases Buffy out into the hallway and tells her that he's been reading his books, and something bad is going down. And here comes the classic TV show cliche . Buffy says "This is Sunnydale, how bad can it be?" Sigh.

We cut to the school lawn, and the camera descends down, down, down, until we see SCARY CANDLES! The cameraman is obviously confused and doesn't know where the actor who is speaking is, but we finally see him. He's talking about a sleeper waking. Dude, if I was sleeping and you woke me up, I would punch you in the face. Seriously.

Commercials. I think the WB was 'fresher' back then than they are now. A little stale.

Buffy is getting ready to go to the Bronze when Joyce walks in, and ask her where she's going. Buffy says she's going to a nun club. Hot. (Note to Charmed producers:Story idea! Phoebe turns into a nun and wackiness proceeds!) Joyce tells her that she thinks that Buffy's shool is ' nurturing'. In that evil, un-dead sorta way. Buffy says that she's going to try to hang out with the living from now on. Luke Perry was dead? Wow. RIP.

Buffy walks down the street and is getting all nervous and is apparently being followed. She ducks into an alley and looks up. A man comes into the alley and looks around. We'll call him 'Percy', because shh! His name is a secret. We see Buffy on a bar above him. She swings down and kicks him in the back. He goes flying. Ouch. Ang-I mean, Percy always seemed to go flying a lot easier than anyone else on the cast. Buffy asks him why he is following her. Percy replies that he knows what she's thinking, and he doesn't bite. Percy warns her that she is standing on the mouth of hell, and she needs to be prepared. He reaches into his pocket and throws her a little box., warning her about 'The Harvest'. She asks who he is, and he replies, 'A friend', and walks away. It's amazing how different he looks when you look back. Buffy opens the box, and inside is a necklace with a silver cross. Aw.

Buffy walks inside the Bronze, and all kinds of cool kids are dancing to Sprung Monkey's "Believe".

Oh, I just want to believe / Can you hear me? / Can you see me? / What's inside of me? / Oh, I just want to believe / If my life can have a purpose / Help me to believe / Oh, I just want to believe / Can you hear me? / Can you see me? / What's inside of me? / Oh, I just want to believe / If my life can have a purpose / Help me to believe

OK, lamest lyrics ever. I wrote better poetry when I was in seventh grade.

Regardless of lame lyrics, Buffy finds Willow at the bar. She asks Willow what she's doing alone, and Willow says that she thought Xander would show up, because they used to date when they were five but he stole her Barbie. To see it nekkid!! Or was that only me. Willow tells Buffy that she doesn't date much. Buffy isn't surprised. She looks up and sees...uh...Giles standing up in the balcony. What? Is he a chaperone or something? Lame. Buffy decides that Giles is cooler than Willow and leaves to hang with him She asks him why he's there, and he says that it is perfect breeding ground for vampiric activity. Right. That's an oldy, but a goody. Buffy tells Giles about what Percy told her, and he really doesn't care, because he's checking out Cordelia.

Cordelia is sitting around with her minions, telling them that her mother has Epstein-Barr. "I'm like, pleeease! It's chronic hepatitis, or at least chronic fatigue syndrome. I mean, *nobody* cool has Epstein- Barr anymore.". OK, Hee. Jesse walking-dead-mans over and tells Cordelia she looks pretty, and asks her to dance. She rejects him, and he walks away. Aw.

Buffy and Giles are still in the balcony. Buffy spots a vampire. Giles isn't sure, but she is, because "He's got the sleeves rolled up, and the shirt! Deal with that outfit for a moment." Oh, what we learn from Buffy. She notices that the vampire is walking away with Willow. Buffy leaves Giles to follow them. On the way, she breaks off a chair leg for a makeshift stake. She passes the bathrooms and Cordelia emerges. Instinctively, Buffy grabs Cordelia by the throat and slams her against the wall. Way to ruin your street cred, Buff. Buffy asks Cordelia if she's seen Willow. Cordelia says no, and Buffy releases her and stalks away. Cordelia: "Excuse me, I have to call *everyone* I have *ever* met, right now.". Hee-Hee.

Giles finds Buffy and she tells him that she didn't find the vampire!! OMG. She runs away to look some more, and she passes Jesse talking to the blonde vampire from the teaser. Nice spidey skills, Buffy. Jesse asks her name. She tells him her name is Darla, and she has family in town. OH! Family as in vampires. Duh.

The lair of scary candles. A super ugly vampire rises out of a pit. A big, meat-headed vampire is like 'Whoaa! Master!'.

Commercials. Julie Benz is hot.

Back in the lair of scary aroma-therapy, The Master is expositioning that he is weak. Meathead says that 'In the Harvest, he will be restored'. So...corn is the enemy? The Master reaches out, and a mystical force field stops him . The Meathead, whose name is Luke, tells The Master that others are bringing food to him. Wendy's? The Master says he wants something 'young'. Veal? Wendy's veal burger?

Willow and Vamp Fonzie are walking through a graveyard. Willow is babbling and Fonzie is like, 'Yea, whatever. Sit on it, Willow.'. Willow reminds Fonzie that the ice cream bar is the other way. Fonzie says that he knows a shortcut. That's the universal phrase of danger, Willow.

Xander sees Buffy leaving the Bronze and he asks her if she's seen Willow. Man, for someone so unpopular, people seem to talk about her a lot. Buffy tells him she left with a guy. Xander: "I hope he's not a vampire, because then you might have to slay him.". Dun-dun-dunnnnn. She wonders how many people know she's the slayer. Xander thinks she's insane.

Willow is still babbling. Fonzie pushes her into a mausoleum. She tries to get out, but Darla and her Britney Spears getup is blocking the way. Darla asks Fonzie if that's the best he could do. Fonzie tells Darla that she's 'fresh'. From the frog? Jesse stumbles into the mausoleum, clutching his neck. He complains that Darla gave him a hickey. Dude, I would pay for a hickey from Julie Benz. Stop bitching. Willow wants to haul ass out of there, but Darla vamps out and says no one is going anywhere until they have fed. And just in time, Buffy shows up and snarks about the mausoleum decor. Fonzie says that no one is leaving, and Buffy makes fun of his clothes yet again. She says that they could do it the easy way or the hard way. Fonzie takes the hard way, strapping on a pair of water skis and jumping over a shark.. He lunges and Buffy, and she jams a stake into his chest, sending him to that big Arnold's in the sky. Darla and Buffy start to fight, while Xander and Willow help Jesse outside. Buffy is kicking Darla's ass, when Darla asks who she is. Buffy starts to snark, but Luke grabs her by the neck and throws her across the room. Darla runs away after Willow and Xander. Buffy gets up and starts pummeling Luke, but to no avail. She flies across the room, yet again. Luke pulls open the lid of the coffin, and Buffy does a cartwheel and kicks Luke in the chest. Luke grabs her stake and snaps it. He throws Buffy into the coffin, and she rolls off onto the floor. Luke starts quoting scripture, and we get our first montage! Yay.

'But on the third day of the newest light would come te Harvest. And the blood of men will flow as wine.' Giles is going through a book and finds a picture of Satan shooting lightning into a man's hand.

'When the Master will walk among them once more!' The Master is sitting in a big wooden chair.

'The Earth will belong to the old ones.' (Illyria?) Xander, Jesse, and Willow are surrounded by vampires, including Darla.

'And Hell itself will come to town.' Luke is all up in Buffy's grill.

Luke grabs Buffy by the throat and throws her into the coffin. She lands next to a skeleton and screams. Really, I think she's probably seen a lot worse. She can't see Luke over the edges of the coffin. when she starts to get up, Luke jumps into the coffin.

"Amen." He snarls, and lunges to Buffy's neck.

Next week:: Jesse is suave! Luke has a drinking problem! Buffy breaks glass! Oh, boy!

 
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