- The One with J-Lo's Wedding
by Aeryn & Tiffany -6.25.04

  Aeryn: Aeryn here with the first official column... Last week was our pilot, so we were given the go ahead for more. OK, so now that we were picked up, we got one new item. Instead of a bare padded room, we now have a water cooler in the corner of the padded room. How lovely. I'm so excited. I can really feel the love. *please note sarcasm here*

Tiffany: And I’m Tiffany Murdock! Welcome to Water Cooler with the one and only me! And Aeryn my anything but lovely assistant.

Aeryn: I am not your assistant, Murdock. This week the topic, here at the Water Cooler, is the surprise wedding of Lola aka Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony. It has hit the world by surprise. This weekend, I was reading last week's People and it talked about their blossoming love and if marriage was in the cards, this week it was all about their wedding ceremony. Here is the thing, she wore the dress she had made for her wedding to Ben. How tacky is that? I do not see this marriage lasting very long. Lola is clearly looking for her prince charming to sweep her away after a break-up with a longtime lover aka Ben.

Tiffany: Oh my God Aeryn you are such a hypocrite. I bet if J-Lo wasn’t rich you would so say it wasn’t tacky to use the same dress. God you so need help. And anyways who cares about Ben and Jennifer as a couple anymore? That’s so last year. She isn’t looking for her prince charming at all she is keeping true to her Catholic values. Like open your eyes sometime and see something. Its so obvious J-Lo has a baby on the way and getting married sanctifies her family. J-Lo should be commended on keeping true to her values cause like nobody even gives enough credit to that. I mean even you Aeryn are so to blame for people hating Catholics everywhere cause you so defended wonderfalls when they do that. And not just you cause look at movies and television and see all this catholic hating. It really makes me sad cause it is like really depressing. I so feel bad for J-Lo with people like you insulting her like all the time. Anyways J-Lo is so a role model for showing strength and when she’s like in the spotlight and everything. She is really brave.

Aeryn: Oh geez, you are going to talk about three time wed Lola as a devout Catholic? I have never made fun of Catholicism or the Catholic Church. I do however question the value that Lola holds for marriage and what needs that she believes being married will fill in her life. She hasn't announced she is pregnant and I have heard of denials, but I am sure it will come out next week if she is. This brings me to true happy joyful news. Julia Roberts pregnant with twins and have been happily married for going on two years. Congrats!

Tiffany: J-Lo is going to have a baby and like all you can talk about is Julia having twins? Pfft! Thats like not even the topic so get off it already. Oh but that reminds me of Julia Roberts in that movie America Sweethearts cause this is so just like that only without Julia being a total bitch and trying to steal her sisters husband. Cause whatever! If one of my sisters ever pulled that I would so kill them. J-Lo and Ben were like America’s sweetheart couple just like that movie and I so had to watch Gigli and it really wasn’t as bad as people kept saying. And you know what is so weird? Christopher Walken was in like both of those movies! Isn’t that like such a sign? I mean this could totally be divine intervention. But J-Lo and Ben so weren’t going to happen. It was cute but seriously its over so lets move on and stop wasting time over Julia Roberts which totally has nothing to do with this topic. Anyways back to our topic I am so screaming for more details over J-Lo's wedding! I wish they showed it on television live cause that would have been so sweet!

Aeryn: *Rolls eyes* Tiffany, you are mistaking Julia for Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia has not played a scheming bitch. She usually plays the sweetheart. Anyways, I just finished the article in People about her. She was probably pissed because Ronald Reagan's passing took the cover story. RIP Mr. Reagan. Now that is a love story, Ronald and Nancy Reagan. His daughter wrote an essay about his death and how her father's eyes opened one last time in over a week before his death and stared at her mother, who was able to get out "I love you." His eyes were full of love. Now that is a marriage. 52 years together in full support and understanding of each other. I wonder if Lola will ever hit 50 years with someone. Heck, I doubt she will hit 5 years. Ben was too good for Jennifer. I am a Ben supporter. He didn't need someone like her. She was always trying changing him and fitting him into some mold she had for him. Sorry, not going to happen.

Tiffany: Ok first off no I did not mistake the characters in that movie cause I own it unlike you who probably hasnt even seen it! And second you like have way too mean a view on J-Lo and you are so bias and I think you are just jealous cause you would never be as devout as she is. And third Ronald Reagan was the greatest president ever and I so feel bad for his family and why you think J-Lo would say something like that is so beyond me. You are so self involved anyways so why bother. Ok and your whole point on Ben is way off. J-Lo never molded him into anything. They weren’t meant to be together so like get over it already and lay off and get over yourself please. But oh my God Marc Anthony and J-Lo are so meant for each other! And thats what we are supposed to be talking on stupid! Its so different with them cause they like have this amazing chemistry and you can so tell by the way they talk and look at each other they so love each other. He even calls her Lola! How sweet is that? Isn’t that just the cutest nickname ever? I so wish I had a nickname like that.

Aeryn: Oh trust me, you do have a nickname. He calls her Lola because he can't remember her real name! I will give her props that this wedding was different than the one she planned for her and Ben. This time, Jennifer was the wedding planner, yes she also did a movie about that, which I liked. Baby aside, I still think it is too quick, her husband just got divorced four days ago! I mean, come on. Guest list was smaller as well, about 30 guests who were called via cell phone to show up at Jennifer's house, where Marc was waiting and told them that there would be a wedding. She was married under pink roses. And is it not sickening that I know so much about this wedding. I bought the magazine for Ronald Reagan not the J-Lo Gigloo at her pink igloo.

Tiffany: This so has to be like the defining moment of our generation! It’s like when people ask me where I was when JFK was shot cause I’m always like ‘I was nowhere cause I wasn’t even born yet!’ and they’re like ‘Whats your defining moment then?’ and I’m always like ‘I so don’t have a clue!’ But now it is so obviously J-Lo’s secret wedding! I so remember where I was when I first heard all about it! I like woke up from this really horrible dream where I was like in a boat with all these foreign restaurant workers and it was so gross cause that would never happen. So anyways my friend Jess calls right after and she’s like ‘did you hear?’ and I’m like ‘hear about what?’ cause I had just woke up and everything and like didn’t even know who was on the phone! And she’s like ‘J-Lo so got married!’ And I so died. I just had to be dreaming! So Aeryn where were you when you heard?

Aeryn: Defining moments of my life that I knew where I was when I heard: Ronald Reagan getting shot, Challenger explosion, President George Bush Sr. declaring the Gulf War, Clinton inauguration, Di's car crash, JFK Jr's plane crash, and last of here lately and the biggest one of my life: September 11th. No where is Jennifer Lopez's secret wedding close to any of those moments. This reminds me, I have wanted to ask you this... How old are you?

Tiffany: That depends Aeryn. What’s your real name and age? I mean who writes under a stupid penname like yours anyways? God you and that Vibrator guy are so annoying and he really sucks by the way insulting me and everything in his stupid article. Oh my God and he only writes ONE article and thinks he's a journalist? Pfft! Loser. And plus he so insulted women cause he has some fetish with overweight girls. Whatever. I didn’t even read it past him being an ass. I mean seriously go write about that fetish stuff somewhere else please. Anyways stop hiding behind stupid names and get a real life. Ok and if you are done with trying to get us off topic we can move on. J-Lo is so brave to stay so devout and Catholic in our world where everyone is so mean toward religions. I find that so uplifting. So when you insult her you so need to like stop already cause you really don’t know anything.

Aeryn: Who says my real name isn't Erin? I am almost 30 years old. So fess up, how old are you? Now if you don't mind, I will not even acknowledge the muck you are slinging towards the other article writer, Vibes. I do not believe in trashing fellow HMC writers in my articles. If I have something to say, I will come out and tell you. Like Tiffany, you misspell lots of words that aren't commonly misspelled words. I am very thin and I was not insulted by his article. I was highly doubtful of the sizes that some people on the board were saying about Amber Benson, but other than that, I was fine. Back to the topic at hand, Jennifer's wedding was a complete opposite of the one she planned for Bennifer. I found myself going ok, ok, as I skimmed the details. I wondered where Marc's tastes were reflected in this whole shindig. I just found it odd. It just seemed like it was a Jennifer planned and centered bash. Everything was about her and her tastes. It wasn't a couple centric like most weddings are.

Tiffany: J-Lo’s dress was so gorgeous though! It’s like no wonder she used the same one for this! Why let a perfectly good dress go to waste? Oh my God I bet if she had a new one made you would so insult her for being so “self absorbed” and say she was being conceited to think she should have TWO new dresses. See? Just like I said. Hypocrite. You are so there. Have you even seen the dress which by the way oh my God I am so looking at right now! Ok and if your 30 then you really need to go back and take grammar. I am so sick of people telling me I need help with spelling when people like you can’t even spell! Oh my God you are such a double standard. And for your information I never once gave out insult to you without giving constructive criticism unlike you who so bashed me all over the place when I came here. Yea I so saw that! So don’t act all high and mighty cause your so not miss Divine! Divine bitch is more like it. But if your done making this about you like you always do cause you are so conceited there was nothing at all positive with what Vibes said so whatever. And my personal information is so none of your business anyways and totally off topic. I don’t think your being honest here anyways. Now do you have anything about J-Lo you want to share? Cause if not you are so wasting my time.

Aeryn: I stopped giving you feedback, before I was asked to do a column. After that, I did not give anymore feedback. Tiffany, your feedback is not constructive; you are demeaning and harsh to the fans at HMC. One thing, Tiffany Murdock, and I will have Jonathan work this into the deal. If this is going to happen, you will never doubt my honesty. I see way too many hellhounds on a regular basis not to be nothing but honest, so in other words, back off bitch. I have seen the dress and it is a gorgeous. It is part of the Vera Wang 2005 Spring collection. To add to that she had numerous jewels from Neil Lane. The necklace was 100 carats, the three hair clips where 10 carat clips, the earrings were 10 carrots each and the bracelet was platinum and diamonds - 40 carats. She "wanted to make a statement". Yep, she definitely made one I say. And as I mentioned before the wedding canopy was covered in pink roses, the bride carried a parasol along the grounds of her estate.

Tiffany: Ok but you so don’t have any right to criticize my spelling so I don’t want to see that anymore and I have never been harsh toward anyone other than those who are on the official HMC staff so like don’t even accuse me of something I haven’t done. I have never insulted anyone outside of that. Anyways I happen to be going through something super serious right now in my life so I totally don’t need this right now and I’m sorry if you took anything personally. Ok? So truce and lets move on! Anyways I see your good at transcribing People magazine but now that I think about it I feel like its so romantic they did everything in secret. I mean that is so a sign that there love is real. Its so not all about hollywood romance like it was with Ben and J-Lo. With Marc, J-Lo seems to be actually in love. And that is seriously something I didn’t see with Ben. It was always lacking. J-Lo having a secret wedding should show you how she hasn’t been consumed by hollywood and has maintained who she is. To me that is like so inspiring.

Aeryn: Apology accepted, but why are you harsh towards staff? That is who are you co-workers. I got serious matters as well, but I am trying not to go heavy on the overacting. I also was transcribing to you because you wanted to know all the details about their wedding, so I was trying to give you some of that. When did you see something with Marc? They tried to hide their relationship, even arriving after each other. Nothing says I love you then telling your girlfriend to come 15-30 minutes after you do. Ah..... love. Oh and tell me, who is Jennifer? She is totally consumed by Hollywood.

Tiffany: Whatever. I so see it in like a completely different way. They so didn’t want there wedding to be hurt by media frenzies. I mean think of things like Princess Dianna. She died cause of news people trying to make stories. And like who wouldnt want a normal wedding with that type of media? I mean seriously cause I know I would! I so wouldn’t want to die on my wedding night just cause of some news man chasing me down for a honeymoon picture. The reason they kept the relationship secret was cause they didn’t want anyone to catch onto the wedding! Hello! Can you really blame them? I mean God its not like J-Lo and Marc have had the very first ever low key secret hollywood wedding. Ok and so like I do want to know everything about everything with what happened and all with the wedding but thats only cause she so deserves the perfect wedding. And how could you say J-Lo is totally consumed by hollywood? Cause if she really was then she would have so made the wedding like so much bigger than it was and it would have been televised and everything! The fact she didn’t do any of that totally disproves your comment.


Aeryn: I'm officially confused now. How did I go from making a point of Jennifer rushing into things after a long term relationship to Ben Affleck go to me making a point about how Hollywood she is. I don't blame them for keeping it low key. Jennifer learned her lesson after the press spoiled her wedding to Ben! I do raise question when people rush into things like this, especially after the groom just got a divorce. What is wrong with a little waiting? Nothing. She just seems to have a habit of short marriages, that I would have thought, she would take a bit more time since coming out of a long term relationship before she got married. Of course, she could have thought: I spent 3 years with Ben and got nothing. I wasted my time. Now this guy, I am not making the same mistake. I want to get married. My biological clock is ticking. Oh Ben, you got out lucky dude! Good for you. You wanted the details, so I offered them. In my view, Sarah Michelle Gellar's wedding dress was way nicer than Jennifer's. They were both made by Vera Wang, if I am not mistaken. Sarah's was more romantic and soft, which would have suited Jennifer's wedding than Sarah's beach wedding, but Sarah's was a beautiful wedding. Jennifer's looked pretty from the fuzzy pictures I have seen.

Tiffany: Speaking on Vera Wang wasn’t J-Lo supposed to do publicity for her? Oh my God that is so probably why she wore the same dress! Oh my God I remember it was this big conspiracy and everyone was out to get J-Lo cause they so didn’t get anything. I mean God she loses her boyfriend and all people can do is scold her cause she couldn’t publicize a dress cause of Ben? See J-Lo honors her commitments. She is so inspiring in that way! I knew there was perfect explainable reasonable. Anyways back on what you said maybe she wants to have short marriages and that’s her business anyways. I mean I’ve had boyfriends lined up in rows and it so doesn’t mean anything bad. Its just a natural part of life and finding who you are. Like everyone has to do that sometime. You have to try out relationships and see what works. If J-Lo has the courage to go through the full marriage in our world I so say more power to her. Its not like it was THAT quick of a wedding anyways. I mean they dated like way back a long time ago almost forever so they at least know each other. I could so see how she would end up with an old flame like that too. Cause there was this guy I was so really into for the longest time named Chad and we were so great together and just so compatible. I mean it was like wow so cool! Anyways he moved and we didn’t keep touch long distance so we just stopped dating. But I would so pick up right where we left off if I ever saw him again. I just know it would be like nothing happened at all! So my point is I feel they really do love each other despite J-Lo’s wedding record cause I mean I so saw a picture of her while she was like at her husband’s concert recently and she was so excited and happy and singing along to his music. I mean it was “oh my God wow so excited” and not just “pose for camera to look pretty excited!” Now that is so the sign. If she looks in love in a picture she didn’t expect then you so know it has to be real. And oh my God is she wearing off-white or is that just really bad lighting?

Aeryn: It was off-white and bad lighting. She didn't need to wear white if you are correct about the baby. I so tuned out after the whole publicity for Vera Wang and back in on the off-white thing, so I know it is time for us to end, for sanity's sake. In summary.... RIP Mister Reagan, Ben congrats, Marc: I will send you the name of a good divorce attorney, wait you already have one!!!!!!! Maybe if you get 2 in thirty days, the third one is free and to you Lola, Prince Charming only comes along once, and you missed him. His name.... Ben Affleck.

Tiffany: I so believe Marc and J-Lo are going to make it cause I do have the faith. Oh my God they are so going to have the most adorable baby ever! This will totally be a reason why beautiful people should breed! In closing I just want to wish Marc and his Lola the best ever marriage cause they like so deserve it cause they are simply adorable together! And thats everything! Buh bye everyone!