- Selfless
by Aeryn -??.??.04
[ aaeryn@blkswan.com ]

  I was watching Selfless the other night and I was struck by just how bitchy and superior Buffy came across. I had seen it the first time, but the second viewing just really hit home with me. Of course I am talking about her overeager ness to run out and kill Anya. Now mind you, this is the same slayer that was thinking that Willow was the one skinning people a couple of episodes back. I get that it is her job to think like that, but I also think that she showed a more wait and see attitude with Spike, than with Willow. Ok, getting off topic here, so back to it.

Anya, the one character that I strangely find myself identify with at times. I say strangely because up until Selfless, we thought her nature (awkward, blunt, offending, made people uncomfortable, etc.) were because she was recently turned human from demon. We learn she was like that, to a point, as Aud. The constant problem that Anya struggled with was her identity. Who is Anya? She clings desperately to whatever role she has at the time. Her marriage, she defined who she was by that and when she found out he betrayed, she turned him into a troll. She had no time to find out who she was then, because she was swept off into the vengeance fold. Vengeance is who she is, she dives into it, making it all she does and devotes herself fully to. It is because she is trying to fill some need that she lets it take her over completely. We have Halfrek, also vengeance demon, but she has other interests and enjoys life, where as Anya does not. If she had, it would have caused a identity crisis of sorts. She would have to define, or find out, who she was when she wasn’t dealing vengeance.

Her relationship to Xander became her definer; espcailly after their engagement. The song, “I’m the Mrs.”, is a perfect example of putting all of yourself into something in hopes that it will give you meaning, or define who you are. After the wedding, she was devasted and destroyed. Everything had been taken from her. It was out of her control. She went back to what identity she knew. Vengeance. It was who she used to be before she was sullied with a human body.

The consciousness that she developed as a human, the dealings with death of her friends (Joyce and Buffy), and the fighting for good when you are terrified… all that stuck with her into the new vengeance lifestyle. I believe that vengeance demons have a soul. Anya’s stint as a human reminded her of that. Her soul may have gotten used to dealing out revenge and was fueled by anger, bitterness and sadness from the initial betrayal, but it was definitely there inside of Anya.

This is really seen in Selfless. Anya wants Buffy to kill her. She wants to die. She wants to be punished. Anya pushes Buffy verbally to piss her off in hopes that Buffy will get so mad that she will follow through with killing her. When D’Hoffyrn appears she wants him to take her life to balance things, but he kills Halfrek to ensure that Anya continues to suffer with guilt over killing the boys and killing Halfrek. If she did not have a soul, it would not have affected her like that.

Xander offers Anya comfort, someone to latch on to, which she denies. By doing these, we see her finally after over a thousand years, taking a right step towards finding out who she is and what she wants. Though at this time, she is hurting and will need to heal, but it is a first step to not being dependent on someone, a job, or something to define who you are.

I know that Buffy makes up for it in the next episode by taking her into the Summer’s home, but it irked me how judgemental and high handed she came off. Yes, you had to kill Angel, but let’s be honest… Buffy you sent him to hell and ran a sword through his chest, which does not kill a vampire. So let’s just say, Buffy you sent Angel to hell in a pointy hand basket. Moan, groan with the I’m the only slayer stuff. Geez, glad you are the only one in Sunnydale, because if there were others as pissy as you, I would impale myself.

I love Buffy, but just her attitude upset me. She was in a hurry to kill Anya. What no option? Quit the business? Reverse the wish? Thank goodness Willow had the smarts to summon the big boss man. Willow understood the pain that Anya was going through: The fear of losing control and it taking over completely once more. Anya had been exposed once more to her soul, she did not want to lose that consciousness. She wanted so badly to be who she used to be, but was no longer able to do it without sacrificing her control, getting used to not feeling anything. She felt guilt; it did not fulfill her the way that it used to.

Ugh, now that I have bashed poor lonely slayer Buffy, I will move on. Move on to what is what I don’t know. The year is winding down. It is December. Christmas will soon be upon us, followed shortly be New Year’s Eve. I saw a topic on the board asking what was your favorite HMC moment of 2004. I think mine would have to be the Smut fest of the Femme Fatales and The Spuffy Forum. These ladies are amazing. When I was down or in need of support, these ladies were there. They delivered too. Batches of giggles, a few honks, and educating the masses on the feminine use of leather straps and a washing machine, nothing puts a smile more on your face than goofing off with your pals. So here is to my favorite moments of the board… Femmes and Wretch. May your Christmas be full of smut and joy.

Now, my favorite HMC Headquarters moment had to be when we were packing up my ex-husband’s stuff. Seems there were two bottles of mouthwash that were in his box to go that we put out in the garage. Jennifer, Jon and I are all in the living room cozied up to a warm fire when Eric decides he will, you know, send some warm tidings. Needless to say, next thing I know Eric peed in the two bottles of mouthwash and have placed them back in the box. Now, let me say this: My ex-husband left me four days before I had major surgery on my jaw under numerous circumstances which did not put him in a favorable light. No one was happy about it, myself included. So this revenge was not too overboard. By the way, ex had to leave lot of books and stuff there because he didn’t have room to pack it. Let’s just say this: Eric now has a great collection of Spider-Man comics.

No seriously, without these guys, I really doubt I would have made it this far. They know how much I appreciate them all and somewhere my ex is now reading this and running to go hurl. God, good times, good times.

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