Poobah Says:
"Here's D'Hoff!" The D'Hoffren comedy hour. He brings characters on the show to do stand-up, and if they suck he burns them alive. What do you think?

From wretch:
Dear Great and Glorious One, why is so much of everything sheer 100% unadulterated crap?

Poobah says:
Because Michael Eisner killed Walt Disney. Of course, I don't have evidence of it myself, but I heard of it from a friend of a friend who's sister's cousin was the brother of the janitor at Epcot center. So I take it as fact.

From SPIKESMYGOD:
Sub: Riley.
WHY?

Poobah says:
Joss wants me to tell you it was all Marti Noxon's fault. And so was Season 6, and everything else that sucked about Buffy. Joss also wants me to tell you when I count to three, you will wake up, bark like a dog and call yourself woofy.

From milesfrom730:
Do you wear the cheese? Or does it wear you?

Poobah says:
I usually EAT cheese....FREAK.

From Fat Tony:
If a movie was made about your life, who would you want to play you? And who do you think would watch?

Poobah Says:
Easy. Mel Torme, of course. As for the second question, women from the ages of 55-80 love me.

From ~Reisita:
Whatever happened to The Weekly Ascension? Did you kill Jonathan AND Eric??

Poobah says:
Nope. I only killed Eric (which they still can't prove, by the way). Jonathan got too popular, couldn't take the pressure and went into seculsion in the woods. I hear his favorite hobby is watching squirrels having sex.

From SPIKESMYGOD:
I keep hearing voices telling me to quit my job, change my name, and become a postal worker. A) Is this bad? B) What should I do? C) Do postal workers get good benefits?

Poobah says:
A) My best friends are my voices, so no. B) Handguns are fun, go ahead. C) Manny (my left side voice) tells me they get dental, but their medical plan is lousy. Trust me, Manny knows his shit for being a voice and all.

Oh Manny, don't be so sensitive.

From milesfrom730:
I'm having trouble keeping a man. My last boyfriend was kidnapped by his stalker a locked in her closet for 3 months until she was arrested. My boyfriend before that set my house on fire and left with all my money. Before that my boyfriend confesses his undying love then jumped off the top of apartment building. Oh, Mac. Why do all the men in my life leave me? Say. Just out curiosity what qualities do you look for in a woman?

Poobah says:
Breathing.

From Dannyboy:
Dear Poobah, with your experienced eyes and hands, can you tell me what cup size is Michelle Trachtenberg?

Poobah says:
Well, when I checked, they didn't fill my entire hand. But before the security guards beat the shit out of me, I believe they were in a 34 B range. Then again, I can't be too sure, because of the brain damage from getting my head crushed into the pavement.

From ribbie149:
Do you know anything about a live-action remake of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" starring Hillary Clinton and the Democratic candidates for president? (I'm a Democrat, BTW.)

Poobah says:
This is what I know. Howard Dean plays Grumpy, John Kerry plays Happy (loves Heinz ketchup), Joseph Lieberman plays Sleepy, John Edwards plays sneezy (the cocaine will do that to you), Wesley Clark plays Doc, Dennis Kucinich is bashful, and Al Sharpton - of course - is dopey. And by the way, Hillary Clinton could only play Snow White if Snow White was a lesbian with a big ass.

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