Okay, so for those of you who have been keeping up with Season Seven of Buffy, you’ve probably either been dazzled or dismayed by the many plot twists and turns of the year. More than likely, you’re loving every last step of this great and fine adventure. As for me, however, I can’t help but find myself wondering about a few key things that are about to drive me crazy. That’s right. This week I’m doing a rant. I’ve therefore broken my nitpicks down into ten essential points and will share them individually here. For while this may be an excellent season, it still could have used some improvements. So, here we go, in traditional Hellmouth Central Top Ten Countdown style...

Number Ten...

Now is it just me or would anyone else rather live in a mansion rather than a two-story house when you have like a gazillion of my little SiTs needing places to eat, sleep, and stay healthy? As far as we can tell, nothing has ever happened to the old Angel mansion, unless the original souled vamp packed it with him on his way out of Sunnydale sometime between seasons three and four. Which, you know, is possible. I guess. So, what’s the real deal here? Is it just that Buffy’s house is closer to the school which makes commuting back and forth to high-school easier? Never seemed to be a problem walking back and forth to Angel’s place before...on foot, mind you.

Number Nine...

What is with the legal system in Sunnydale? I know, I know. I’ve asked this question far too many times throughout the show, but this time I have to draw a line. After all, it concerns the well-being of my little SiTs. You’d think after towing in a handful of badly beaten girls (one of whom has their arm snapped backward) into a hospital, as well as a guy who just had his eye poked out, somebody might wanna call the police and hold an investigation. But hell, not in Sunnydale. We don’t even call social services here. Just bandage em up and ship em out! Happens all the time. Why, if sixteen year old girls weren’t meant to be beaten, Sunnydale wouldn’t be Sunnydale. Funny how the system doesn’t apply to this small Californian town. Always did wonder about that.

Number Eight...

If the Scoobies can create a spell to help themselves better communicate with a Bringer (which is an eyeless zombie without a tongue) why don’t they even bother trying to get one cast to help better communicate with Chao-Ahn? Does she even have a clue as to what it is the scoobs are facing off against? If not, shouldn’t she? Maybe we should spend a little more time helping the favorite of my little SiTs out rather than entertaining ourselves with basement parlor tricks, Mr Giles. Hm?

Number Seven...

Principal Wood. The enigma. This is a guy who becomes a completely different character with each and every passing episode. Whether he is zombied out and burying dead bodies or plotting and scheming behind Buffy’s back or whining and dining the slayer or even having wild monkey sex with the chosen one...okay, stop. Forget it. This guy just needs to pick a personality and stick with it. That’s my only point.

Number Six...

Also regarding Principal Wood, in the episode where we first find out about his true identity (son of a slayer), we see him taking care of a handful of vamps with relative ease. Then, a few episodes later, he finds himself being manhandled by an amazing number of not two or three vampires...but one. One vampire kicked his ass and Spike had to save him. Perhaps his physical strength and fighting techniques fluctuate almost as poorly as his personality does. But we may never know for certain being this close to the end.

Number Five...

This is the long one. Spike and Wood.

Now, there has always been a problem with Spike. In this season, the problem was brought back to light and for some reason chooses to stick around with little to no resolve. What is this problem, you ask?

When Spike didn’t have a soul he showed more signs of remorse and pain than he seems to now with a soul. This is a statement that sounds funny at first, but then again, does it really? For instance, when he sired his mum and she spoke ill words to him, why did he even care? Like that really would have an effect on the demon. Did anyone out there actually feel sorry for him? Not me, I should say. We all remember when Dru dumped his ass and he was crying and moping around like a big baby for a while...but he seemed to get over it soon as he knocked around a few baddies. Why not the same case here? Why did it take over one hundred years to get this issue resolved and over with? Aren’t feelings supposed to be all warped and screwed as far as these vamps are concerned? Isn’t that why they don’t follow moral codes? Well, apparently being evil still means you can be a mamma’s boy.

And then he gets a soul. For some reason the remorse dies and he holds no pity anymore. Wait, let me back up. That’s not entirely true. He did torture himself there for a while in the basement...partly because of the First. But really, we all know what he was actually upset about down there, don’t we? That’s right. The attempted rape. Oh don’t worry, I’m not going to argue the morality of unsouled vampires raping slayers, but I do bring it up as a case in point for my following paragraph...

Spike wanted Buffy’s forgiveness, but nobody elses seemed to matter to him. All of those other souls he had hurt and killed and tortured and fed upon went off and out into oblivion as soon as he started winning Buffy back. Did anyone else notice his sudden change as soon as Buffy put him back on the team? He certainly isn’t that same weak and crying remorseful little vampire he was at the beginning of the season anymore, is he? What changed? Ah, yes. Now we remember. His relationship with Buffy changed. Nice little trigger, that. Much more effective than that cute little song his mommy used to sing.

He is an obsessive love slave to Buffy, as he has always been since he first developed that love interest way back in Season Five. But unfortunately, this guy holds nothing in regard to the others he hurts. I’d like to believe otherwise, and for a while I might have been convinced, but lately it seems the only person he gives a rat’s ass about is Buffy Summers. Not that that is really anything new in the show or something that has changed since previous seasons, but...wasn’t that kind of the point of getting a soul? To change? Oh hell, what do I know? Getting a soul was probably just a way he thought he could get back into Buffy’s pants. Worked for Angel, right?

Well, I’m certainly not a big fan of Buffy and Angel getting back together, but I must say that Angel at least showed remorse for more people other than Buffy. Imagine if he had been a prick like Spike and treated Jenny’s faded memory the same way Spike had treated Nicki Wood’s. Oh God, Ripper would have been back and in full action. Angel would have never gotten that really nice series contract either. And as for Spike...well...I still don’t understand the act of killing someone’s mother and then rubbing it in their face. But maybe others out there would disagree.

Comparing our two souled vampires in the way of feeling pain and burden is interesting. Angel took a hell of a long time in feeling the guilt and shame of what he had done. Meanwhile, Spike took a nice breather in the basement and as soon as Buffy started to let him back in decided he’d drop the charade and act all tough again. Why? I don’t know. Ask him. I just give the facts. I don’t make excuses for them.

But you don’t have to take my word for it (que “Reading Rainbow” chime). Look at the facts for yourself. The bleeched vamp had the nerve to not even apologize for what he had done to Wood’s mother. If you can find an apology somewhere in all that mess he blabbered out, please feel free to bring it to my attention. The only thing he really did was tell Buffy he’d let Wood live on account of what he had done to his mother. Is that an apology? Um, no. It’s pretty damn self-absorbed if you ask me. How exactly is “not killing someone who has every right to kill you for what you did to his mother” showing any hint of sign that you regret what you’ve done and are willing to take responsibility for your actions? The fact that he isn’t sorry over what he did to Nicki troubles me. The fact he doesn’t seem to get why Wood is so upset seems to trouble me more. The fact that he feels more sorry for attempting to rape Buffy than for killing some little kid’s mother in cold blood...priceless on the scale of troubling thoughts.

Quite the contrary, our vamp still wears Nicki Wood’s trenchcoat as a trophy. This is taking place in the presence of Wood, mind you. He continues to taunt Wood with the memory of his mother even after learning the truth. Was he willing to take the beating of his life as he forced himself to endure for attempting to rape Buffy (anyone remember him laying his body on the cross earlier this season?)? He sure as hell wasn’t. Even before Wood brought out the monster, Spike was looking to take the easy road out. I don’t know if “Woops, sorry there, chief, about the whole killing your mother thing” would have done much, but it sure as hell would have been a start...and it sure as hell would have been better than slinging more insults toward his way. What is that anyway? Throwing salt onto a wound?

And then Spike said the one thing that makes me question if I will ever regain the respect I once had for this bleeched vampire. He said that Wood’s mother didn’t love him. Who the hell exactly gave Spike the right to be judge and jury in that department? The man who killed his own mother. Woops, he was a demon at that time, right? Or was he? What the hell is with this vampire? Is he a demon or is he not because his actions seem to conflict all the time. At this point, I don’t know if I even really care anymore.

Sure, not a lot of people out there like Wood, but whether you like him or not I think you have to respect the fact that he was willing to go head-to-head with the monster and not the man. But wait. Which one was the monster again? The souled one or the unsouled one because I’m getting them mixed up again.

Looking at the differences between unsouled Spike and souled Spike, this writer is still not entirely sure which one was more humane or compassionate. On a side note, I thought the unsouled one was more enjoyable to watch. But as far as obsessive over Buffy goes, you could make a really good check out to either employee.

Oh, but don’t worry. I’m not gonna spend anymore time bashing one of the greatest characters this show has ever seen. And he is just that. He did, after all, have dialogue in last week’s episode that made this writer forget how much he hated Buffy and briefly actually wish for a Spuff happily-ever-after ending. Yeah, go Spuffy! Wait. Wasn’t I supposed to hate Buffy? Well, she surprisingly didn’t make the list this week. The show is confusing the hell out of me now that it’s going off the air. I can’t really decide anymore. If you ask me, Dru and Spike should get back together. But anyway, let’s just finish up...

Number Four...

Faith. She was awesome in Season Three but now that she has this new persona that seems somewhat dull and flat I’m not sure if I’m feeling the vibe anymore. How could the greatest slayer ever become dull and flat? Well, leave it to the act of turning good I suppose. Faith was a dark slayer, and now she’s an indecisive good slayer. It doesn’t fit her at all. Sorry, but I’m not buying it. I watch Eliza on the screen (which is always pleasurable, by the way), but for some reason I’m not seeing Faith anymore. Don’t know why really. Just seems a little too different from her personality than for my liking. But hey, I’m still five by five with the wicked story plot, man. It’s just something I hate about this season.

Number Three...

Buffy’s relationship with Giles. What the hell is going on here? It’s almost as if we’ve simply erased all the trials and tribulations of the past seven seasons and forgotten to learn from our mistakes. We’ve forgotten what we’ve been through. We’ve forgotten being there for one another when we most needed it. Both characters have made screw-ups this season that the other doesn’t seem to want to understand or learn to forgive. Let’s face it. Giles going behind Buffy’s back and plotting with Wood to destroy Spike was pretty damn stupid. I give Wood reason to do this, but not Giles. And then, on the flip side, Buffy using this to believe she no longer needs a teacher is something I’ve always found as an arrogant fix with our slayer. The superiority complex is kicking back in full swing.
Because of this, the situation between Giles and Buffy has become something I simply hate about this season. They still have two episodes to patch things up, so we’ll have to wait and see how things go. Just fix the damn thing already.

Number Two...

Lack of SiT character development. Sorry, but it’s bugging me. My little SiTs need more screen time and lately it’s been getting hogged away by the story. As if the story is even important. Personally, I think the plot can wait. After all, who really cares about watching Buffy decipher the “mystery” of the First when she’s not going to be around anymore anyway come May 20? We need the new characters to shine through some more before it ends. Especially Chao-Ahn.

And finally, the Number One thing I hate about Season Seven...

Buffy staking Holden “Webs” Webster. The greatest vampire character ever introduced into the Buffyverse was only given one freaking episode. But, fortunately, we now have Jonathan M. Woodward (actor who played “Webs”) returning back to our Buffyverse by way of a new character on the Angel series. Definitely looking forward to more Knox in the future.

There. That feels much better. And even though this was a negative column, I still feel the season was too damn good to spend much more time nit-picking. We’re so close to the end, why even bother?

Originally I was thinking about putting Xander’s eye condition into this column, but after last week’s episode I’ve got to admit that I actually like the “new Xander.” It gives him a new element, if you will. In fact, it’s hard to imagine him without the eye patch now that I’ve seen him with it. Well done, Nicholas Brendon. Well done.

Feels like I’ve been carrying that load on my back since the beginning of time though. Sure is nice to get rid of it. Well, for the peanut gallery, I’m once again out of here. See you next week. Same Weekly Ascension time. Same Weekly Ascension channel. I can now step away from my “pure demon” half and once again revert back into that shell I call a human being.

Feel free to list ten things you hate about this article. Or the whole series for that matter. But hey, why just stop at ten? I’m always looking for a good play on words. See ya next week.
Oh, and, uh...give Knox a grant.