Oh, I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck does Michelle Rodriguez have to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer? And to be quite honest...well...I’m not an honest man so I won’t give an honest answer. But I will say that it shouldn’t matter what, if anything, Michelle Rodriguez has to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer or anything at all for me to devote a week’s time to writing about her. After all, it’s my bleeding article and I can do whatever the hell I want to with it so long as I at least make one or two extremely loose references to the show. It’s in my contract, so sod off!

Okay, fine. Here’s the reason. I found myself waiting in line during another judicial session in order to get my name legally changed once again. I’ve been through this procedure about seven or eight times now and for some reason the system always finds a way of slowing down the process. So anyway, there I was talking to a guy named Fred who I actually had just met literally seconds earlier when he mentions something about wanting to give himself a more artistic surname.

So then I got to thinking....I needed a more artistic last name. Something that would look much better here at the Weekly Ascension for my columns (the things I do for this article series are amazing). So I started combining different words together. Eventually I came down to Vasoline and Alkatrez. And then it hit me. Vasquez! I’ll choose Vasquez as a last name!

But then I realized, that would make my new name J. Vasquez...much as the badass latina from the Aliens movie was named. What was her first name anyway? That’s the real question. I sometimes used to think it might have been Juanita, but now I’m not so sure.

But anyway, I got myself to thinking some more, and eventually I came to a question of what a really bad remake of Aliens would be like. And the obvious answer was the Resident Evil movie! And the obvious equivalent of Vasquez was Rain! So then I had my next article all shipped and ready to go...Michelle Rodriguez as Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

...what?

Yeah, just don’t ever ask me for a reason again. That’s about as good as I can do.

We all remember Rodriguez gaining her first lead role in films from a certain independent motion picture known as Girlfight. This fast-rising star brunette has since gotten her claim to fame by playing a number of tomboy, badass, foul-mouthed characters whose only difference from role to role seems to be how many guns she has on her. And that’s what has me thinking....What if Michelle Rodriguez had been Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

We really got into some fun alternate reality conversations a few weeks back....Okay, actually there were no conversations. Just me spouting off about them. But hey, talking is my specialty. Well, actually, writing is. But regardless....Where the hell was I going with this again?

Think about this for a moment. The Master would have gotten his ass kicked in the very first episode. Mostly because Rodriguez, instead of hitting nightclubs and worrying about having to save some screaming redhead from impending death, would have planted ten million fucking volts of dynamite in the ground and blown his wrinkly ass face to Jupiter.

As far as Spike and Drusilla go, they’d have never even made it into the city limits. Rodriguez would have had a sniper rifle pointed at Spike’s head as soon as the bleeched blonde came strolling into town that night. Five shots later and we’re looking at a beheaded Billy Idol. Dust to dust, ashes to ashes.

The Mayor would have been long gone before Season Three even came into existence. Partly because we all know Rodriguez would have pumped his ass full of bullets by the end of the first semester of high-school...way before that pesky fad of being impervious came into the picture. She doesn’t really take nicely to those friendly, suburban types. Well, at least, her characters don’t seem to. Snyder would have been history as well. Ah, what could have transpired the very first time he even dared breathe wrong in the face of Rodriguez. And with all these factors beginning to add up, Sarah Michelle Gellar’s blonde version of what could have been begins to look extremely disappointing.

But why stop there? Let’s keep going. Adam and Glory would have been a walk in the park for the badass latina, despite their seemingly unbeatable strength. Like Adam can even surf. Sheesh! Watch Blue Crush, you incredibly lame frankenstein wannabe! Or as if Glory even knows what an oil change means. After watching The Fast and The Furious ten million times, I think we know who would win in a car chase between these two.

But still, Rodriguez might have had some trouble with the last two big bads of the Buffy franchise. I have to admit that, even if I don’t want to. No, I mean, literally I have to admit that or I have nothing else to write about this week.

The witch would have been tough simply because she would require human compassion to stop her from destroying the world. I don’t really see that happening from a Rodriguez character. I do, however, see an H&K PSG1 pointed at little miss wicca’s head...which might have done the trick all the same. But surely Rodriguez would have had a serious problem with fighting against The First.

I could pass off Willow the Witch, if for no other reason than simply because I’m the one who is writing this article and I say so. But The First was a noncorporeal being. Rodriguez would have driven herself mad trying to blow that thing up. And we’re talking massive firepower here...all wasted because the thing she’s fighting can’t even be touched. Of course, Caleb would have provided an even match...at best. So maybe that would have kept her occupied a while. But what about some of the more specific happenings of the Buffyverse? What happens when we replace SMG with MR in the scenes we’ve all come to love and hate?

At the end of Season Two, for instance, Buffy left town because she killed Angel and couldn’t take the pains and pressures of being a slayer. Had Rodriguez been there though, not only would she have killed Angel way earlier in the series (with way more firepower and explosives, I might add), but she also certainly wouldn’t have skipped town to pick up a fake identity and play waitress for an entire episode. Buffy wasted way too much of my time sobbing and crying and feeling sorry for herself. Rodriguez would have given us an action-packed series that may have been a little down on the humor side (then again, Rodriguez’s humor is a little bit more up-to-par with what the show was lacking...so maybe that’s a plus too)...but it still would have ultimately kicked some serious ass.

But there are more instances to relook at than just the ones where Buffy turns out to be a weakling in the face of danger. What about the way Buffy was treated by various supporting characters? How would that have changed and been different had Rodriguez been there to replace the blonde crybaby?

For example, in the series, Buffy was kicked out of her house by Dawn when the going got tough in Season Seven. But I doubt anyone would have kicked Rodriguez out of her own house had she been there instead. Simply because who would have the guts (or the lack of common sense) to do that kind of a thing? I could just see Dawn telling Rodriguez to get out of “her house.” Rodriguez would have shoved that Key into a lock she’d never get her ass out of. And Joss bless her for it.

Of course, there may have been some down sides to the show as well had Rodriguez been there instead of SMG. Actually, there really wouldn’t have been, but I’m filling in another point before closing for the week. For instance, when Jonathan Levinson went up to the school tower in “Earshot” to kill himself. Rodriguez probably would have just shot him down in this instance instead of engaging into any sort of a dialogue to try and talk him out of it. We’d have been deprived of an entire season’s worth of the Trio. For some of you, that might have been a good thing. For me, a not-so-good thing. Regardless, we’re both in agreeance that the show would have been better with Rodriguez. Funny how the world works. Or at least how this article works.

With all these pressing facts I am now giving, it seems likely many of you are asking why Rodriguez wasn’t given the part. And that’s a question I want answered too. Of course, it might have had something to do with the fact that nobody knew who Rodriguez was when the series first started. I guess I can forgive them for that.

So, what have we learned today? Another valuable life lesson? I think we have. Like mayonaise makes everything taste better (or is it ketchup?), Michelle Rodriguez makes every show she graces all-around feel better. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is something you can take with you for the rest of your days. So there. Be happy.
Ah, look at the time. The article is over.

Join me next week when I talk about how much better this show could have been had Dobby from Harry Potter played the role of Buffy instead of SMG. Until then, keep dreaming of a Rodriguez spin-off. I know I will be.