This week we’re talking about spoilers. Good old fashioned spoilers. See, back in the day, there was this show that used to come on television. It was called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. This show was incredible, for those of you who missed out on seeing it. It captured audiences and captivated them on a rollercoaster ride that no theme park known to man could ever dare fathom nor claim. Not literally, of course, because that would be fucked up. But metaphorically speaking, it was quite a treat.

Anyway, as time moved along, audiences began to grow. And eventually these audiences developed themselves into different types of viewer groups. There were the “loyal viewers,” who tuned in every week so that they could watch a regular dose of Buffy. Sometimes, of course, they would tape episodes if they couldn’t quite make the episode’s premier due to personal reasons (Yeah, I know. What on Earth could possibly be more important than watching Buffy?). But they were still among the loyalist of viewers.

Then there were the “occasional viewers,” who enjoyed the show but sometimes forgot it came on every week (Also known as Jackasses). They were the people who tuned in just enough so that they could pass in the everyday world as Buffy fans. They’d sling around comments like “Buffy,” “lesbian witch,” and “Zeppo” and pretty much have the masses fooled and convinced. Depending on how seasoned they were, they could be actually be quite an enigma. Even so, to the true fan of the show, these types were easily weeded out during trivia contests.

And then, of course, there were the Fanatics. These were the types who would cancel heart surgery just to tune in every week and see the blonde bitch kick some undead ass. In regards to this last group, I do sympathize with the person these fanatics were going to operate upon. But who knows? Maybe they were fans too...so they could die happy. Yep, we’re all optimists here at The Weekly Ascension.

But stop right there. Rewind that. There was another group I forgot to mention. The Spoiler Society. That’s right. Surely we all remember the Spoiler Society.

This team of social outcasts was first created during the summer of Buffy’s first season break, and at first they were merely seen as a microscopic imperfection to our lovely picture which is the Buffyverse. Originally composed of only a handful of viewers, the Spoiler Society quickly became a growing subculture which sprung up in all parts of the world (including Fiji). In fact, they grew faster than National Socialists did in the early thirties.

While at first seen as relatively harmless, the Spoiler Society became a force to be reckoned with during Season Two of the show. Especially with a little something becoming popular at the time known as the internet. Spoiler Society subgroups mostly kept to themselves during these early years, though it wasn’t long before a certain vigilante who will go unnamed decided to start posting Spoiler Society comments in online communities where such activities were frowned upon.

This created a massive chaos in the world of Buffy fans. For the first time ever, fans of the show began to turn on one another. There were death threats, armed riots, and even minor casualties. It was a time of civil war. Rebel spaceships striking from a hidden base have one their first battle against the evil Galactic Empire. And what the fuck am I talking about?

Back to the story. Order was needed before fans could learn to forgive one another again. And thus was born rules for Buffy fansite subgroups. The most pressing? NO SPOILERS! It was a sad truth that such a rule was needed in a place where Buffy fans should have felt safe and free from spoilerish comments. And thus, even the Spoiler Society began to split in two.

On one side were the Spoiler Addicts, who took up large doses of spoilers on a regular basis...but were civil enough not to disrupt others with such news. They kept to themselves, remaining steadfast to the original rules set forth under the Universal Spoiler Code of Conduct (also known as recyclable toilet paper). But then there were others who took up arms against this order. This small group became known as the Spoiler Fuckheads.

Oh, we all know who they are...err, were. We knew their kind all too well. Always looking up bits of info on the show so that they could run home and tell all their friends and think they suddenly looked all cool and shit just because they thought they were “in-the-know” or special buddies with Joss Whedon.

The stupid fucks.

They lurked in online groups, message board threads, newsletters, websites, articles...and everywhere else imaginable. The truth was, you couldn’t go too far online trying to look up something Buffy related without seeing at least one thing posted by a Spoiler Fuckhead. And that was a sad fact we Buffy fans soon became aware of.

Spoiler Fuckheads did not keep to themselves. In fact, they rarely even met others of their own kind. They got high off the idea of spoiling the fun for other fans, and thus began using spoilers as a means of attracting enemies and attention.

Ya know, even still today, I will never forget the day when I, myself, came into contact with one of the Spoiler Fuckheads in person. It was an afternoon I will never forget. Seems that while discussing Season Seven, this certain Spoiler Fuckhead decided to clue me in on the fact that a certain young potential known as Molly was going to die in that night’s episode. Don’t worry, though. I later got him back. A dead fish in a car trunk still goes a long way. And to be honest, I’m still not entirely sure if he’s found it yet.

But let’s not detour here from the main subject. Why spoil? Why ruin a night of surprise by reading the latest query placed on the net? Why share these points with others if not to ruin their day or spoil their fun? Hence, the word, spoiler. Is a person’s life really so meaningless that they must spend every waking moment desperately searching for some hint as to making themselves seem more “knowing” on a certain episode that hasn’t even aired yet?

Spoiler Fuckheads are just one of many in the category of annoying people in the world, though. After all, back in high-school surely we remember the jackass sitting in the front row who always reminded Mr Barlow that he’d forgotten to assign Trig homework for the night. Or maybe the lameass who called “shotgun” when the only other passengers were an eight-month-pregnant woman and a one-legged Vietnam Veteran. Yeah, we knew their kind.

But what must be going on in the brain of a Spoiler Fuckhead? That’s what this article poses as a question. Why do Spoiler Fuckheads spoil? Why are they so caught up in the act of spoiling that they dedicate so much wasted time and energy into looking such things up and sharing them with the rest of the world?

The clearest answer lies within the very chemical make-up of a Spoiler Fuckhead. The way they were raised, in other words. Usually, upon conception of a Spoiler Fuckhead, a mother can realize that her offspring will grow up to become such an asshole if her baby is heard whispering details of the birth before it has occured. If a young toddler begins to tell you about the time he stole your sports car to get high with some friends...either you have a classic case of a Spoiler Fuckhead or one really cool infant.

The clearest method for finding a Spoiler Fuckhead in a crowd, however, comes after they have conceived the idea of spoiling. Simply design a quiz where you take a test subject (the actual Spoiler Fuckhead) and place him in a group of five. The other four should be pre-selected actors (professional training not required). Give each person a card and explain that on one of the cards is a question. Of course, none of the cards actually have a question on it. This is just the trigger needed to dig out the inner Spoiler Fuckhead from the individual.

After you do this, ask the group to continue passing the cards counter-clockwise among themselves every five minutes. Tell them this will continue until everyone has had a chance to read the question. And this is when the magic begins. Watch how the Spoiler Fuckhead reacts to this set of circumstances. He will begin by asking the two people aside him if they have the question on their cards. They will reply, of course, with a negative. At that time, the Spoiler Fuckhead begins to grow a bit nervous. Clamming up of the hands and small signs of perspiration are common.

If after the first rotation still neither person aside him has the key card, he will use his own small piece of paper and write a message to the person sitting directly opposite him. He will then create a paper airplane or simply launch a paper ball at that selected individual. If the actor across from the Spoiler Fuckhead is good at what he does, he will pay no mind. At this point, the Spoiler Fuckhead begins to panic. He will literally begin to show signs of withdrawal. Foaming at the mouth is common, though other side effects may include a jittery leg and massive amounts of groaning.

If this is the case when you have performed your selected experiment, you may have located a Spoiler Fuckhead in your community. Unfortunately, at this time, there is no known cure for the Spoiler Fuckhead Society. They will continue to flock to sites and do what they do best...spoil the fun out of great television-watching. But at least by doing this we will have located them in our world and begin the never-ending task of keeping other Buffy fans up-to-date on their where-abouts.

So, as Angel Season Five rolls around, surely you have already come into contact with the Spoiler Fuckhead community. Though they may be seen as potentially useless in our modern day world, they still...well...that actually wasn’t leading up to a point. In fact, sounds like a good place for me to stop this week. See ya next time.