Okay, the story is actually shitty. But it’s the best I can do to keep the ball rolling and the article series growing. Heh heh. That fucking rhymed. I’m a bit wasted right now, so just be patient. And if I start writing the same thing over and over again, just go with it and pretend you didn’t notice.

For those of you who don’t know me (in other words, all of you), in my high-school days I was one of those people who didn’t really think about life or death very much. Not that anyone ever actually does think about life or death in high-school. Well, other than the crazy poet guy who speaks in Shakespearean english and always wears ruffled shirts to class. But for sake of individuality and a point to this article, I thought so little of life and death that I often times found myself brushing the very fine fabric which holds together our existence...the mold which carves into our being and shapes us into tiny little creatures from the inside to the out.

And I have no fucking clue where I was going with that paragraph. Let me start over.

I’ve done a lot of fruity shit in the past. That’s basically what I was trying to say. For instance, wearing an Army uniform to a wedding at the age of sixteen and insisting I was a veteran of Vietnam. Or perhaps the time I fulfilled a bet by singing Broadway tunes all the way to Six Flags on a five hour road trip. People learn really fast not to channel my inner Barbra Streisand, I tell you. Still, there are some things in life which are even fruitier than our usual everyday dose of fruit.

For instance, one of the craziest things I was personally ever involved in during my tenure as an idiot in the days which are now forever marked “long-gone” from existence...was taking part in a little something called ‘backyard wrestling.’ Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with this, um...insane passion...what it basically entailed was myself and a group of college and high-school friends getting as close to killing each other as we possibly could...without actually having to follow through on the deal. Oh, we’d knock the shit out of each other using chairs and tables and such...but it was completely safe. At least, they told me it was completely safe. I was pretty damn gullible back then...or at least uncaring one way or the other. Guess I should have known better when the guy telling me these things went on to talk about his latest concussion afterward and even showed everyone pictures of a few of his stitches from last week’s hardcore match.

But I could look past these things. Sure, some of the guys were probably missing a few teeth and maybe didn’t have all their ducks in a row, but I wasn’t really too adamant on worrying with the little details of hospital bills or severe life-threatening injuries at the time. I was more interested in strutting around like a buffoon and getting my own theme song. You know...the more important things in life.

I was immortal...or so I thought. The idea of a life-threatening injury was far from being a reality. Yeah, when we’re kids we can be stupid. And sometimes being stupid isn’t a very good excuse. We sometimes have to learn things the hard way. For instance, I never would have guessed in my wildest imagination that one day during a regular session of backyard wrestling I would find myself facing down a moment of truth. In the blink of an eye, my life would forever change and from that day forward I would be haunted by the very image of a fallen friend for the rest of my days...a life that could have been saved.

Okay, actually, I’m just fucking with you. I got away with beating the shit out of people and didn’t suffer any major injuries (well, any permanent injuries, at least). I guess there isn’t really a life lesson to go along with this story except to have fun while you’re young. And...maybe we’re immortal?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck does any of this have to do with Buffy the Vampire Slayer? And I’m getting there, so just bear with me a moment. We’re talking about fanaticism gone terribly wrong this week...and Buffy is a very good example of a very poor example. I’ll explain in just a minute. Keep reading.

Back to the story, there was a certain art that went into things like ‘backyard wrestling’ and I will even defend that today...possibly even until the day I die. Though, I do remember it was sometimes harder to explain to people that you’re an artist when your teeth are bleeding and you can’t walk on your right heel quite as well as you’d prefer. But, regardless of artistic titles...for some reason it was a lot of fun to get the living shit beat out of me once every week. Yeah, I had some strange hobbies. But that’s what fanaticism will do to a person. It will consume their mind and make the everyday, common world they live in seem as just that...common. And then we’re left with a decision to make. Do we want to live in the real world or do we want to stay hidden away in a fantasy world where everything is of our own imagination?

If you’re anything like me, you’d probably prefer fantasy. Not that that is a healthy answer to the question. But hell, I’m not a fucking role-model. So lay the hell off. Besides...I was getting to a point.

For if you thought my hobbies were strange, I happened to find some in our world which are even stranger. Mostly because I wanted to feel better about myself. But also because I seem to be running out of useful material to write about. Bet you didn’t think I could find a way to tie this otherwise pointless story into a Buffy-related spin-off, huh? Oh, yeah. I’m just that damn good. So, regardless of reason, check these bad boys out...

I found out about a group that is calling itself a “Cat Cult.” Now, basically these are fanatics of the Broadway musical CATS which recently closed for the first time since like...forever. But these fanatics are more than just fanatics. They claim that they want to live as CATS. Yes, my friends. Jellicle Cats. Wearing tights and tails and all. Now, I don’t know about the sanity of what I was doing...but surely this takes the cake of all things loony. Sorry to any Jellicle Cats out there reading this, by the way. But truly you can see that you’re acting like a fucking idiot.

And as I was studying more into such communities, I found even more areas of our world where fanatics of television and music were taking up arms to defend their favorite and most treasured of passions...namely by living in such worlds twenty-four and seven. The Star Trek community, for instance. There are some people in our world who model their entire homes after a Star Trek vessel. There are basements you can go to that look exactly like the Enterprise Bridge. I’ve been to a couple. They’re quite nice. And this isn’t necessarily bad...nor unhealthy. And the purpose of this article certainly isn’t to bash or credit any nutjobs out there. Rather...I wish to promote a new form of nutjob.

You see, I was thinking to myself as I read of all these different types of communities...and I came to the question of why there weren’t any Buffy-related societies such as this out among the world today. For instance, a vampire slayer community where people pretend to be slayers? Or watchers? Or just Alyson Hannigan? Oh, like we haven’t all wanted to look like Alyson Hannigan at some point in our lives. It only makes sense to start up yet another type of cultish subgroup in the world, doesn’t it? Show our support for such an incredible series, you know? Hell, the Trekkies are beating us by a milestone. They’ve even got a fucking Klingon language dictionary to study from. Where the hell can I find the Books of Ascension? On ebay? I think not. We’re getting royally mobbed by the injustice of a system gone horribly wrong. I say we fight back, dammit!

Why, we already have a big enough vampire community as it is in the world. Vampire lifestylers and ‘psychic vampires’ (psychic hotline with transylvanian accents, I guess) come to mind. But why doesn’t anyone go out and try to slay them? They’re increasing in their numbers, yet slayers are hard to come by. I say this is making us look awfully bad. If I have to read one more damned article about some fucking retard jumping up and down calling himself a vampire and having no fear of getting his ass staked...I’m going to completely lose it. I have had just about all I can stand. The Buffy fans need to get off their asses already and start living like nutjob fanatics. You’re making Joss look bad! What? Is his universe not entertaining enough to adopt your entire life around it now? Is that what it is? Huh? So Gene Roddenberry was the only person who could create an alternate reality for people to enjoy and break bread in?

Now, I know, I know. Why slay vampires when they’re potentially no harm to our modern day world? And my answer? Because we need to show support for the show. I will not stand idly by and watch Buffy become snuffed out by the stylings of CATS, for Joss sake. You see, this is a moment of truth for all Buffy fans. It is a time for us to take up arms and rise to the occasion. So dawn your leather pants and stuff a stake in your purse, ladies. We need more slayers out there. So what if local law enforcement tells you it’s illegal? Did that ever stop Buffy Anne Summers from walking out into cemeteries and snuffing out the big bads? Hell no. Of course not.

And what about those damned politicians out there? They’re just waiting for any excuse to speak out at a high-school graduation so that they can turn into some damned true demon self. Get the hell out there, already! You’re making us look bad! We’ve got more geeks becoming supervillains than ever before, yet nobody is rising to the occasion to kick their pocket-protector-wearing asses. We’ve got wiccans in the world and maybe even a few zeppos, but where are the slayers? There are so many damned scooby gangs just waiting for a heroine to take up the reigns and begin work. We’ve got more lonely British librarians than any other time in history. There are starving musicians who are craving full moons, snobby bitches who are receiving psychic visions, and even a few brooding poof-heads who desperately need to get laid. But where have all the slayers gone?

And that’s where I’m going to leave you this week...urging you all to try harder. Well damn, this was sure pointless. Looking back over this article, I feel like I let you all down. Not that I feel badly about it. But it’s kinda funny.

Yeah, I could have spent this entire article sharing stories about backyard wrestling, and it might have actually been a pretty decent article. One day I’ll have to do that. But until then, you’ll have to email me about those stories personally if you want them. People here get really pissed when I go off topic on a rant like this. And I usually do get off topic quite a bit, so they’re usually quite pissed. Which is fucked up, because I always do have a topic and they’re pissed anyway when I stay on it. I think they’re just pissed in general, to be honest. But anyway, I’m not supposed to endorse violence...so stay in school, everyone. And if you’ve graduated, go back to school. You know you want to. Okay, that’s my time for today. Be back next week. But hopefully you won’t be and I’ll get fired for not having any readers. Here’s to keeping my fingers crossed on that one.