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Don’t know about you guys, but I’ve just about had it with robots. Every damned science fiction series, whether it be movie, television, or video-game franchise-based, always seems to find a way to put robots into their damned program and completely fuck up the entire show. Where would Star Wars be without C-3PO and R2-D2? Well...a place with better ratings, if you ask me. Lost in Space without that damned tagline of “Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!” would have smoked the big screen with a fucking revelation of amazing economic proportions...had they just never put a damned mechanical beast into the mix.

The truth is...television is great. Television is our friend. But then when things go mechanical, everything we know and love goes to hell. Why? It’s just the way it is. If I ever have to sit through a damned Short Cirquit movie or hear the immortal words of “Johnny Five, He’s Alive” ever again...I’ll fucking blow my brains out. It’s ridiculous garbage and I won’t settle for putting up with anymore of the robotkind’s uncanny shit.

Think back to Rocky. No, not Bulwinkle, you fucking retards, but the amazing boxing series that swept the nation long ago. Okay, okay...more like the amazing film that was led by a number of B-Level crappy remakes....But still, I have a point to get to in regards to this franchise. These Rocky movies would have been a hell of a lot better had they never introduced that damned sexbot in Episode Four. I’m sorry, but that damned thing just creeps me the hell out...and it also takes away from the realism and seriousness of that motion picture. It was supposed to be Rocky’s toughest bout yet, a time when he loses all his emotional support (save for Adrian and a kid who goes through drastic changes of both age and demeanor in very short amounts of time between movies)...and has to face against Ivan Drago, Death from Above. But yet...there’s a sex bot. How in Joss name can I ever take that damned movie seriously with a sexbot running around in it? Hell, it’s not like there was very much to the movie anyhow. Two back-to-back training montages and a storyline that lasted twenty-three minutes, forty-five seconds. They might as well have shown an 80s MTV marathon. Maybe if they’d thrown in the Thriller video, it might have been a better movie. Just imagine it...Apollo Creed and Thunderlips dancing to the zombie strut...ah, how nice. Regardless, it’s still fun to watch Sly Stallone kick Heman’s ass on occasion...but just get rid of the damned sexbots already.

And speaking of sex bots...that leads us to today’s article topic. April. No not the month, you idiots. The sexbot. The original sexbot in the Buffyverse, I might add. Oh, we all remember April. Now, at first, I actually liked this hunk of metal. She was cute, fun, and extremely chipper. Hell, she was the perfect depiction of everything a robot on television SHOULD be. I wanted to call up Warren Meers and order my copy that very day. But then...well...things started to get a little bit fruity.

Shortly after April comes into contact with Warren’s latest girlfriend, she picks her up by the neck and is later confronted by Buffy and Warren. Okay...everything is fine thus far. But wait...things start to happen.

Okay, what the hell is with “Battle Mode” sexbot? I’ve about had it with robots who develop personalities on their own. And then after they develop feelings, they begin to act on them. The most common, of course, is rage. Remember HAL from Space Odyssey? Oh, yes, the immortal robot rage king. And since him, things haven’t gotten much better.

Their fucking “genetic code” is binary, for Joss sake. Now you can program the hell out of a robot, sure. I’ll give you that. But creating a binary code which enables a cyborg to make its own decisions based on emotions? To love? When the program started touching on these points, they slowly began creeping themselves to the immortal grave of all things B-Level robot movie rated.

While still not as bad as the sexbot from Rocky, at least in the boxing movie they depicted what a sexbot would probably best “act like.” While not as aesthetically pleasing as April, the bot on Rocky gave to us a true binary-coded machine. April, on the other hand, was more like a Frankenstein creation. She seemed more like someone who had just been deassimilated from the Borg than created out of Warren’s garbage collection. She actually had feelings. What the fuck was up with that?

And while we’re on the topic, I would just like to say that Star Trek had the best depiction of robots I have ever seen on television. While not technically “robots,” the Borg still gave to us something a bit more believable than April, the emotional sexbot machine. The fact that they used human beings as hosts in the Borg gave to us the feel that they were more capable of feeling the humanic qualities of life...and not just their robotic statures, mind you. Yet...regardless...they gave to us a far more robotic approach than anything I have yet to see on Buffy. Score One for the Trekkies on tonight’s Weekly Ascension. Wow, that’s a first.

But back to April, what in Joss name is with that fucking growl noise she made? Oh, you all remember the growl. April was perfect before that sequence. Sure, they passed it off with a joke, but didn’t that seem just a tad bit...stupid? Did I laugh? No. Did I get angry? No. It just confused the living shit out of me. And even here now today I am confused. Why is that exactly?

And then comes the real kicker. The fight. Now, I will allow myself to believe that a robot could probably pick up someone like Spike and maybe even toss him. And maybe, possibly, have tossed him as far as she did and even through a window. But I still have to draw the line somewhere. And I just happen to draw that line at when a robot makes a slow motion punch and suddenly sends a vampire slayer flying ten yards backward. All a robot’s arm is...is metal. It’s a machine. So if it moves slowly and connects with a human...it would feel no different than you hitting your personal computer with that very same slow motion stroke of the hand. So why does Buffy fly backward? Joss only knows. And that might actually be literal this time.

Speaking on this episode, there is a really funny place in the episode “I Was Made To Love You” where the editors fucked up. It’s when April breaks the “see-saw” with her arm. If you watch closely, the actress playing April (the lovely Shonda Farr...who also appeared on Smallville, by the way) stops her arm from hitting the board just before it breaks. While it is obvious that Shonda probably didn’t want to break her arm on the board while filming this sequence...it still should have been properly edited before production to make it look as though she actually did strike the board...without stopping. Oh, those pesky little details do annoy the shit out of me sometimes.

Anyway, shortly after this sequence, we came to the point where April almost crushed Buffy’s neck. Damn, it was so close I could feel it. And I was praying deeply that April would just make my dreams come true and end that blonde bitch’s reign in Sunnydale once and for all. I was willing to overlook the growl and see-saw and everything just for that. But unfortunately, Buffy lived...and April kinda...well, “died.”

To me, everytime I see and watch a robot “die” on television...I am for some reason still reminded of HAL from Space Odyssey: 2001. Oh, yes. We are back to HAL, the immortal legend. Remembering as HAL slowly died away, his voice becoming ever-so-much-more deeper as he slowly drifted off...it just stays with you. And then, as in the case of April from Buffy, this sequence was in many ways relived. April’s voice began to slowly get deeper, accompanied by her recalling a few famous quotes...similar to when HAL was singing a song he was taught during the time of his creation.

Similar? Yes. Too similar? Maybe. But then again, it’s hard to find other ways to make an audience sympathetic to a robot character’s death, I suppose. There are many other examples, of course. For instance, in Terminator 2: Judgment Day, our favorite “Arnoldized” model of the terminator food chain was faced with having to commit suicide in order to protect the future from possible sequels. It was a very touching sequence, and done so without recalling famous phrases or songs and also without the deepening of the voice. Instead, they used heavy orchestra to accompany the sequence. A very wise choice....At least, it’s wise when you have a conductor who actually knows what the fuck he’s doing. The music of a picture can indeed make or break it. But for some reason, not even this touching moment really is quite as touching as it once was...now that there’s a T3 to go after. Just not that same “finality” feeling that it once had.

In the last Star Trek film (Nemesis), we as well came into contact with robots meeting their doom. It’s hard to say that such robots will ever “meet their maker” in this instance, for if at anytime it would have probably been at the time of their initial creation that they’d have such a chance to actually meet such an inventor. But Lt Commander Data was an explainable android with human qualities and emotions. He did, after all, have a computer chip that allowed him to function with the emotions of human beings. How this chip came to be of existence....Who knows? How is anything on Star Trek truly explainable though?

When Data died (or was terminated, more logically-speaking), we had a different instance. He lived on through another android. This would have been quite the cute little idea to breed originality outside of 2001...but then the damned robot started humming a song. Sorry, Star Trek, but that one wins you the prize of “copy-cat of the HAL-death” award this year.

So there aren’t many original death scenes for robots on television these days. Big deal. They’re still extremely touching sequences...when they’re pulled off right. For some reason, we view these androids and/or robots as innocents...like infants growing up in a world they do not understand. We feel compassion for them because they will never know the truth of what it means to be human. And for some strange reason, that always appears to be their main function...finding out just what it means to be living.

Well, I suppose we as humans should first try to answer that question for ourselves before we expect machines to be able to. It is actually quite a hard one to dabble with. April’s final words still ring in my ears, now that I think about that. No, not the silly little quote she gave, but rather the part about where she was asking why she existed now that her one function on earth was in jeopardy. A last thought of such uncertainty. How truly sad.

On a lighter note, I sure would like to watch the Aprilbot fight against the Buffybot. For some reason, April always appeared tougher to me. Maybe it’s that she threw Spike through a window and practically manhandled Buffy by herself....And meanwhile the Buffybot had trouble with her very first kill. But hey, I guess those types of things can always fall under some type of a truce among robots for the time being. And speaking on this topic...what ever happened to April? Did they just leave her there on the swingset? I guess after finding Joyce’s body in the very next two scenes, not many fans seemed to care. But this one sure as hell did. In fact, I still care. So, what happened to her?

Well, maybe somebody someday will be able to answer that question for me. I’m afraid it won’t be today, though. Yep, that’s right. Time to once again pack up and leave. That’s it for me this week, I suppose. I’m still trying to picture how much better Episode One would have been without Jar Jar Binks and an army of robots fucking everything up. Anyway, as I continue to ponder those thoughts on into next week, I will leave you with these powerful and few final words...

When things are sad, you just have to be patient. Because every cloud has a silver lining. And when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. And things are always darkest before...