Willow: Hear me, keeper of darkness!!! Bring her back!!!
Keeper of darkness: The number you have dialled is not in service. Please check the number and try your call again. *Beep*

Anya: I can’t let you have dark powers, not with those books! Um... wait a minute... you’re going for the Book of Black Sabbath???
Willow: Warren used lead on my girlfriend. I’m going heavy metal.

Warren: I need protection!
Rack: I can’t guarantee anything, not this time. The girl is running on pure fury…
David Fury: She got… the muss-tard… out!
DeKnight: Fury, sod off! This is my episode.

Buffy: My God, Willow, your hair! And your eyes! What happened? Have you been watching The Osbournes again?
Xander: Look! She even has "WILL" tattooed on her knuckles!
Willow: You think MTV’ll buy? Uh, I mean, now Warren’s gonna pay.
Joss: CUT!!!

Ozzy Osbourne: OK, let’s practice it again… Shah-RUHN! Shah-RUHN!
Willow: Wah-RUHN! Wah-RUHN!!!
Ozzy: More growl on the "RUHN".
Willow: Um… how do you suggest I kill him when I find him?
Ozzy: Just bite his head off. It used to be a hit when I did that on stage.
Willow: He’s a human, not a bat!
Ozzy: Same diff.

Spike: Bitch is gonna see a change.
Xander (to Anya): Do you feel any change?
Beggar (outside Magic Box): Spare any change?
Joss: OK, this scene badly needs to change.


Willow: Run all night, Warren… I’m still gonna…
Warren: *WHACK*
Willow: *plop*
Warren: Hey look! First I made Willow weep, and now I’ve felled the weeping Willow! *chuckle*
Willow: OK, not only is the axe not gonna cut it, you’re going lean meat for that joke.

Meanwhile, in Tara’s dorm room…
Anya: OK, she’s been here. Like, very recently.
Xander: How do you know that?
Anya: Well, look at that still-fresh painting-on-cloth signed "W. Rosenberg ‘02". And notice the artist’s clever use of angry red. And the naïve landscape depiction.
Buffy: Yeah. Trees pretty.
Xander: And I wonder why there’s a big "X" in the middle of the forest?

Willow: OK, could you stand in the middle of that big "X"?
Warren: Right here? Why would you want me to stand right here?
Willow: Eretite!!!
*lash* *lash* *lash*
Warren: AAAARGH!!!
Willow: Look, all tied up and nowhere to go…
Warren: You still haven’t told me why there’s this big "X" here.
Willow: We’re having an audience for my big thrash debut. MTV is buying my show, whether they like it or not.
Warren: You’re evil.
Willow: Just call me the Iron Maiden.

Warren: AAAAAAAHHH!
Willow: The bullet hurts, doesn’t it?
Warren: It’s stuck in my chest hairs!!! AAAHHH!
Willow: Here, let me help… *pluck* *STRIP* Better?
Warren: Um, well… the hair is gone, but could I have my skin back?

Buffy: What did you do? Willow, what did you do?
Fury: She gutted… the buss-ter… out!
Buffy, Willow and Xander: *Groan*

Willow (alone with paper and pen): OK, now for the epitaph… "Here lies Warren, from my skillet to your table"… Naah. Um, "Here lies Warren. Less fat, more fry." Naah… Um, how about "Here lies Warren. His carrots were cooked long before he fried." Nah, that’s lame…