Xander: *cough* *hack* I think I’m gonna be sick…
Anya: Why? Because Willow de-skinned Warren?
Xander: No… she’s preparing Warren-flavored haggis!
Anya: *heave* *spit*

Xander: Quick! If we can get to my car…
Buffy: Too late.
Xander: Oh no! What did she do to my car?
Willow (munching on Warren haggis): Now you might get a grownup car. One I don’t need to drive for you.

Jonathan: Oh my God! She’s literally tearing bricks out of the wall? How do we get away now?
Andrew: Easy… just follow the Yellow Brick Road. *chuckle*
Willow: OK, if you even hint to something with the name "Oz", you’re lean cuisine like your tasty buddy.
Jonathan: What!?? You ate Warren?
Anya: Yup. She tore his skin off and made haggis out of him.
Jonathan: *heave*
Andrew: Wow, is she trying to be as satanic as Ozzy or something?
Willow: I warned you. *ZAP*

Willow: Buffy… Buffy got them out.
Anya: Look, Willow, I know you’re mad, but…
Willow: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Anya: Will you cut that out???
Willow: This is a nightmare, and I’m opera girl again. Except it’s not my nightmare anymore. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Xander: I hate to admit it, Buff, but Jonathan has a point. Why isn’t Willow right here, right now?
Buffy: Maybe she’s just getting her mojo up and running.
*BOOMP*
Willow: Yup. Eighteen-wheel, two-ton mojo coming up. And I even like the color.

Clem: I like the taste. It’s just the texture I can’t deal with. It’s so gritty… kinda hurts my tongue.
Dawn: Probably what Buffy said about Spike.
Clem: You’re comparing Spike to Nacho cheese chips?
Dawn: Well, 120 years old, grittiness…
Clem: It’s Spike, not Spiquante.
Dawn: Same diff.
Spike: Using a chips taste test to make fun of ol’ Spike, are you? Just like your sister.
Dawn: Yup. Just a chip off the ol’block. *Teehee*
Spike: Suddenly I understand Buffy’s obsession with duct tape.

Spike: Right. So here we are.
Man With Fiery Hands: *BOOM* How do you like your flesh? Rare, medium or Warren?
Spike: Say, that’s a neat trick. How do you do that?
Man With Fiery Hands: Oh, just your basic propane tank. Standard home barbecue issue.
Spike: This one here? So what happens if I turn the valve?
Man With Fiery Hands: Hey wait!!! *FOOSH*
Spike: Right then. So local boy loses. Demon, do you like mustard or ketchup on your hot dog?
Demon (hands plate): Mustard. And a touch of onions.

CRack: You still smell like strawberries… only now you’re ripe.
Willow: *ZAP* And now you’re hanging upside down like a banana. Maybe I’ll even peel you.
Dawn: Geez, you really have an obsession with peeling people, don’t you?
Willow: I don’t like the skin. Just call me the weight watcher witch.

Dawn: I miss Tara too. But this…
Willow: You miss her? Did you cry? Of course you cried. You cry all the time. Maybe I ought to make you back into a ball of energy and put you in a bottle. You know what you’d be? A bottle of whine. *chuckle*
Dawn: Hmmm… Do you think CRack had some magical duct tape I could use on you?
Buffy: Dawn, that’s my line.

Willow: Jonathan… Andrew… You boys like magic, don’t you? Abracadabra. *ZAP*
Anya: Gureme Mineme Jeneme… Gureme Mineme Jeneme…
Willow: What’s that she’s chanting?
Andrew (whispers to Jonathan): Quick, think of something!
Jonathan: I think it means "The magic you are using is not compatible with the Microsoft Office 2000 software licensed to Jonathan and Andrew".
Willow: Maybe Bill Gates is the one I should be zapping.

Willow: Six years as a sideman… Now I get to be the Slayer.
Buffy: That’s not in your contract.
Willow: Contract schmontract. This is my series now.
Joss: Oh really? (turns to David Fury) Say, remember that alternate ending we talked about? The one with Amy and her kinky spell on Willow?
Willow: HEY!

Buffy: A killer isn’t a Slayer. Being a Slayer means something you can’t conceive of.
Willow: Yeah. With all the vampires you’ve slept with, no wonder "slayer" and "conceive" go together.
Buffy: *WHACK*

Willow: Oh Buffy… You need to have every square inch of your ass kicked.
Buffy: Wha…? FAITH! Get out of that body RIGHT NOW!!!
Faith (by phone): Actually, I’m just channelling.
Buffy: Anyone have a remote control so I can change the channel? To, say, the Teletubbies?
Willow: Teletubbies? And they say I’ve gone evil!

Andrew: And what? We just wait for Sabrina to show up? I don’t think so!
Salem the Cat: Actually, Sabrina sent me instead. You guys in trouble? How can I help?
Jonathan: Oh god, now we’re really doomed.

Willow: Uh-oh, daddy’s home. I’m in wicked trouble now!
Giles: You have no idea. I might actually have to spank you.
Willow: Actually, I’d kinda like that. Can you get Spike to do it?
Buffy: NO, he can’t!
Willow: Doesn’t matter. Anyway, you’re the one who’s in trouble, Rupert.
Giles: And why’s that?
Willow: You’re gonna have to give back that gold watch Mutant Enemy gave you when you left.
Giles (whispers): You weren’t supposed to mention that!
Willow: Hey, I’m evil now, remember?

Giles: Buffy, what’s happened here?
Buffy: God, I don’t know where to start. Xander left Anya at the altar, Dawn’s a total klepto, I’ve been sleeping with Spike, and this weird guy’s been posting parodies of my show on the Internet.
Giles: Heeheehee… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Buffy: Wha…? Why are you laughing?
Giles: The weeping Willow in your backyard… recipes for loan shark… and especially "Going to the barber, losing all your hair"… HAHAHAHA!!!
Buffy: WILLOW! Want me to hold him?
Willow: Kinda busy with a gullible vengeance demon right now.

Buffy: Seriously, what’s going to happen to Willow?
Giles: Well, the coven is working on a way to extract her powers without killing her… There’s no guarantee she’ll be as she was. Willow’s killed a human being. How will she be able to live with herself?
Willow: I’m hungry. Is there anything to skin around here?
Giles: On the other hand, violence might be a viable solution.

Buffy: There’s no temple on Kingman’s Bluff.
Willow: *ZAP* Instant temple. Heehee, you thought I was bluffing, weren’t you, Buff? I bluffed Buff on the Bluff. Heehee.
Xander: I think things are about to get rough, Buff.
Joss: ENOUGH!!!

Buffy: They just keep coming. I can’t take them all. Will you help me?
Dawn: Sure! *Ahem* Get out, Get out, GET OUT!!!
Buffy: Can you fight with duct tape over your mouth?
Zombie: Hey, we don’t mind. Decomposed ears, remember?

Dawn: *SLAY* Take that! And you haven’t even heard my worst whine yet!
Buffy: Dawn, cut it out. Besides, they don’t look like whine tasters.

Xander: Hey, black-eyed girl. Been taking makeup tips from Marilyn Manson, have ya?
Willow: Actually, both him and the Borg Queen. Now get out of here.
Xander: Oh no. You may be a hyped-up uberwitch, but this carpenter can drywall you into the next century.
Willow: Drywall? Actually I prefer concrete. *ZAP* Hey, nice boots you’ve got there.
Xander: Where’s a troll hammer when you need one?

Xander: The first day of kindergarten. You cried because you broke the yellow crayon. And you were too afraid to tell anyone…
Willow: *ZAP*
Xander: HEY!!! OW!!!
Willow: I just remembered… YOU STOLE MY BARBIE!!!

Buffy: I don’t want to protect you from the world. I want to show it to you…
Dawn: Are there drinks in your world?
Buffy: Wha…? Dawn, you’re only fifteen!!!
Dawn: Hey, I learn only from the best.
Buffy: *WHACK*

Willow: *ZAP* And this is for taking my legos without permission!
Xander: I love you.
Willow: *ZAP* And this is for laughing at my blue dress in sixth grade!
Xander: I love you.
Willow: *ZAP* And this is…

Jonathan: Whew… Now we’re safe.
Andrew: Yeah, pretty soon we’ll be in Mexico.
Truck driver (ripping off fake face): Hey, darlings, remember me? Your demon lover from "Seeing Red"?
Jonathan and Andrew: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

Grrr… arrrgghh