Vampire: *sniff* *sniff* Ugh, Slayer, is that you?
Buffy: I’ve been working. Don’t tell me you vampires never eat burgers?
Vampire: Only if they’re undercooked enough for us to taste the blood. But it smells like those burgers you cooked didn’t die happy!
Buffy: Smile.
Vampire: What?
Buffy: Smile!
Vampire: *grins* What the… *POOF*
Buffy: There. At least you died happy.

Xander: Munch munch munch, *shudder* munch!
Anya: Munch munch munch, nag nag munch!
Xander: MUNCH MUNCH!
Dawn: Hey guys, how’re you doing? Nervous about the wedding?
Xander and Anya: MUNCH! *burp*
Dawn: Why do I have to be the one caught in these bizarre situations?

Riley: I’m after a demon who could really spell disaster for Sunnydale.
Suvolte demon: That would be me. But I can’t spell dyssaster. See?
Riley: Oh, I forgot. It’s also quite illiterate.
Suvolte demon: Not for long. I’ve applied to UC Sunnydale for next semester.
Buffy: Suddenly, being a dropout doesn’t seem so bad.

Riley: No offense, but this is black ops and you look like a pylon.
Suvolte demon: Either that or she’s advertising for a barber shop.
Buffy: Very funny. Just wait till we catch you.
Riley: Whatever. Battle gear. Lightweight Kevlar. State of the art. Which one do you want, the black or the yellow one?
Suvolte demon: The yellow one! The yellow one! *chuckle*
Buffy: Can’t you shut him up?
Suvolte demon: Hey, it’s not my fault Joss Whedon designed me with this big mouth.
Buffy: Actually, I’ve been meaning to whip up a big cheese omelette for me and Dawn. Do you think Suvolte eggs would be any good?
Suvolte demon: OK, shutting up now.

Buffy: Hey, Sunnydale has a dam!!! Yay for us, we have a dam!!!
Riley: Um, yeah…
Buffy: But don’t you see? We’re a real town! I mean, we have a DAM! Wow! All that’s missing now is a McDonald’s!
Riley: Yeah, but would you really want to trust the Big Macs there?
Suvolte demon: Actually, since I’ve already spawned, I’d worry about the Egg McMuffins if I were you.

*slide* *THUMP*
Riley: OK, where is it?
Buffy: When we find the demon, couldn’t we just electrocute it with that power generator over there?
Riley: Um…
Buffy: Because then we’d have a Su-voltage demon… *snicker*
Riley: *groan*
Suvolte demon: And she’s telling me to shut up?
Riley: Ah, there he is. Good job, Buffy – just keep making him react to your bad jokes.
Buffy: Bad jokes??? *WHACK*
Suvolte demon: Um… I’m the villain, I believe?
Buffy and Riley: SHUT UP!!!

Sam: *cut cut cut*
Buffy: Mmm. Demon blubber. Think it’ll make a good steak?
Sam: Actually, it’s quite fattening.
Riley: That’s what I’d like to see –Blubby the Vampire Slayer. *snicker*
Buffy: And you married this guy?
Sam: Hey, it’s the army. Call it a shotgun wedding.

Sam: Hey Willow… I’m sorry, I think I kind of blew it out there…
Willow: …
Sam: Back in the jungle, we had not one, but two shamans doing dark magics for us, and they… got addicted. And now, they’re gone…
Willow: Where did they go?
Sam: Well, one of them did a cameo on The Osbournes on MTV, and we think the other auditioned to be in Marilyn Manson’s new video.
Willow: Wow! Cool!!!
Joss: Now I know why we don’t bring Riley and his wife on the show more often.
Sam: Oops…

Buffy: So… does he still think about me?
Sam: Who, Riley? Oh yeah… he even named our goldfish after you.
Buffy: Your GOLDFISH?
Sam: Yeah. Unfortunately, our cat ate it.
Buffy: Your CAT ate it?
Sam: Yeah, our cat. It’s called Glory. Dunno why.
Buffy: *CLOBBER*

Riley: That’s not why I’m here… doctor.
Buffy: Doctor? Spike… don’t tell me that…
Spike: Well, um, actually he means Dr. Seuss. You know, "See Spikie. Is Spikie keeping the eggs in his legs? Or is he hiding the demon pack in… um… what rhymes with pack?
Buffy: *WHACK*
Spike: Whack. Yeah, that’s it, whack rhymes with pack. Seriously… I’m NOT evil.
Riley: Ja, Ja, herr Doktor.
Spike: Buffy, make him stop!

Eggs: *crack*
Spike: Yes, crack also rhymes with pack.
Buffy: Spike, if you don’t shut up you’ll be NEEDING a doctor.
Spike: Well, that’s it, you see, he called me a doctor because you and I, we like to play doctor… *wink wink*
Riley: You two just keep chatting. I’ll just mozy on back up and chuck a grenade at you.

Riley: By mission parameters, I’m done here. But I have authorization to take out the Doctor. Do you want me to do that?
Buffy: Do I want you… How can you ask me that? Where would this show get its sexual tension? We’d lose half our audience!!!
Riley: Well, there is me…
Buffy: Oh no, there goes the other half.