Buffy: Hi there everyone. We, the Scooby Gang, have known for some time that a lot of people think Season 6 was too dark and angsty.
Willow: Yeah, well we should skin’em all.
Buffy: Shut up, Will. The point is, we have vouched to make this a kinder, gentler, more viewer-friendly show.
James T. Kirk: You have “vouched”? How could you “vouch”? That’s… arrogant presumption!
Spock: Jim… they’re dying.
Buffy: Xander, turn off that damn VCR! Where was I? Oh, yeah – so from now on, every week we’ll start off the show by introducing the Monster of the Week. So everyone, please, a nice round of applause for the Sluggoth demon!
Sluggoth demon: I’m gonna eat you all raw.
Buffy: Er… well, thank you, Sluggie. And now, while our Monster of the Week goes to prepare, we go to Frankfurt for our first number…

Frankfurt
Girl (singing): Like a Slayer… watched for the ve-ry first tiiiiime! Like a Slaaaaaayer, put your absence of heartbeat… next to m…
Hooded figures: *WHACK* *stabstabstab*
Girl: *Gasp* *croak*
Hooded figure 1: Don’t you think you were a bit too violent? This is a PG-13 show, after all…
Madonna (pulling off hood): I’ve had enough with Ozzy’s daughter abusing that song. Two is one too many.

Buffy: AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Dawn: Buffy! Wake up! It was just a dream!!!
Buffy: Oh, phew, it’s just you…
Dawn: You know, the fact you sleep in Mom’s old room may account for you having Mom hair.
Buffy: Let me answer that comment with duct tape before I escape back into my nightmare.

Dawn: You guys really should ease up on the whole demon-dating thing.
Buffy: Um, hello? I’m sorry, wasn’t that you having the smooch-a-thon with teen vampire last Halloween?
Dawn: Drats, where’s a Tabula Rasa spell when you need one?
Buffy: A Tabula what?
Xander: What’s she talking about, Joan?
Dawn: Oooook, I think I’ll just get off here and walk to school… may be safer. For my sanity.

Giles: Willow, the taxi is here…
Willow: Can’t it wait?
Giles: Willow, I know you feel you’re not ready to go back to Sunnydale, and that you think your friends may not take you back…
Willow: Shut up and help me finish packing. There, pass me that black hair dye and the two Orbs of Pain, won’t you?
Giles: I think the plane may be, um, somewhat late.
Willow: Aaaaaww, but I wanted to show the Gang my new toys!!!
Giles: Yes… well, another time perhaps. Maybe in, um, twenty years?

Buffy: Can I give detention?
Principal Wood: I think a little discipline is always good…
Buffy: Great! I brought my discipline stuff.
Principal Wood: There are three things these students understand, but the main one is really the BASTENADA. And I don’t care if you don’t get my joke, because, I mean, you know how many points BASTENADA is worth in Scrabble?
Buffy: Bastenada? Got one right here. Right under the whip, the leather thongs and the fondue forks…
Principal Wood: Um, why are you putting all that stuff in your desk?
Buffy: Well, you were saying discipline is good, right?
Busted students: Just… um, pretend you didn’t see us.

Dog: Rowr KAI KAI KAI!!!
Sluggoth: *Burp*
Nancy: WAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! *Runs away*
Sluggoth: *Rumbles under the street*
Nancy: *BUMP* Uh, hi... could you help me get away from that monster tunnelling under the street after me?
Xander: OK, am I the only one thinking of Bugs Bunny right now?

Nancy: It sounded like an earthquake beginning…
Buffy: “From beneath you, it devours…”
Spike: Doesn’t that describe the “cheating” you did to me when you were invisible?
Xander and Dawn: WHAT???
Buffy: Gee, Spike, “PG-13” doesn’t mean anything to you, does it?
Spike: PG-13 schmeegee-13. Anya gets away with it, why shouldn’t I?
Anya: HEY!!!

Nancy: Is your girlfriend always this commanding?
Xander: Well, she’s a girl, and a friend, but she’s not my girlfriend. And as for the commanding part, you should see what she keeps in her desk at school…
Dawn: Xander - I’m drowning in the drool.

Dawn: Spike… you sleep, right? You vampires, you sleep?
Spike: Oh, right, this is the part where you tell me that if I harm your sister, I’ll wake up on fire. Right then. Threaten away.
Dawn: Spike… if you harm my sister, I’ll… tie you to your bed with duct tape and then I’ll whine all over you for hours on end.
Spike: Oh, bloody Hell, please, NO!!!

Willow: So how do I get to the airport again?
Giles: Simple, really… you get to London by train, and you just… connect. *teehee*
Willow: You are SO lucky Hecate’s already packed in my suitcase.

Anya: So you were telling me about wishing your ex into a spineless pig… Oh, penis!
Spike (to Buffy): See? SEE? She gets away with the non-PG-13!

Sluggoth: *Rumble rumble rumble*
Buffy and Nancy: *gasp*
Sluggoth: *CRACK* Nyyyeeeeeh, what’s up… dog?
Nancy: Oh, no, my puppy…
Buffy: ANYA!!!
Anya: What? A vengeance demon can’t have a sense of humor?

Sluggoth: *shapeshifts into Ronny* Where am I?
Spike: Oh look, he’s turned back into a human being. Well, I guess I’ll just stick this metal pole into his shoulder anyway, so I can go crazy and lure Buffy alone in a church with me. *STAB*
Buffy: You don’t believe in surprises much, do you?
Spike: Not when I’m about to get a whole five minutes as the main character of the show, I don’t.
Ronny: Why did you stab me? It’s so unfair!!!
Spike: I’m the main character for five minutes. You’re expendable.

(Inside church)
Buffy: Spike, what are you doing here?
Spike: I’m the main character of the show for this scene. Bow before me.
Buffy: Spike, have you completely lost your mind?
Spike: Yes. And all shred of responsibility with it. *UNZIP*

Spike: Oh, goodie. This is the part where my insanity allows me to service the girl and get away with it.
Buffy: SERVICE the girl? What am I, an engine?
Spike: Bloody right you are. The Little Engine that Could, choo choo!
Buffy: I am SO going to kick your… caboose.

Buffy: OK, so you’ve been the main character for 4 minutes and 30 seconds, and all you’ve done with it is babble away. Woohoo. Here’s me gaping in awe.
Spike: Well, you see, I’m not actually done. Hey, I could burn myself on this cross here. Lots of smoke, cool way to end a show. *Lean* *Burn*
Buffy: Now THAT’s entertainment. NOW I’m gaping in awe…
Spike: *Burn* Um, are my 5 minutes up?
Buffy: Oh, let’s see, in 10, 9… 8… 7… 6… 5… 5 and a half… 5 and a third… 5 and a quarter…
Spike: *Broil* You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?
Buffy: Too bad I left the fondue forks at work.