Disclaimer: All BTVS and Angel characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

Buffy: Hello again and welcome to the Bad Puns Show.
Dawn: Don’t look at me. I’m taking a vacation from this episode after I unnecessarily lecture Willow.
Willow: At which point I skin you.
Dawn: Um… maybe we could skip the lecture.
Buffy: Now, to introduce this week’s Monster of the Week. A big hand of applause for…
Anya: Me!
Buffy: You? You’re not the Monster of the Week!
Anya: Am so!
Buffy: Well, at least with the show’s comic relief being the Monster of the Week, the Slayerettes are safe for another week…
Anya: Doesn’t mean you are, though.

Buffy: Spike, you have to get out of here. This place is killing you.
The place: What, are you jealous?
Buffy: Not really. I don’t want to kill him anymore, just look as though I’m making him miserable. Makes the show ratings go up and people believe I’m the Big Bad. Plus I like inflicting pain on him.
Spike: Tell me something I don’t know.
Buffy: Shut up, Spike. At least you don’t have any opportunities to get boinked here.
The place: Actually, I leave that to the other Buffy.
Buffy: The other Buffy?
Spike: Ssshhh.

Willow: It’s OK, it’s OK!
Girl: I take it back, I take it back, I… say, that’s a cute innocent-girl outfit you’ve got there!
Willow: The better to make you think I’m a cute, innocent-girl, my child… *snicker*

Girl: I wished just for once, they would know what it felt like to have their hearts torn out. Then it came…
Willow: Then what came?
Spider: That would be me. Please turn around so I can take your heart.
Girl: Eaaaaaagghhh!!!
Willow: You can try to take it. But I’ll erect this Trek-like force field so that you can’t.
Spider: Willow? THE Willow? Oh my God!
Girl: You know this thing?
Willow: Um…
Spider: The Willow who skinned Warren? Be still my beating heart, can I get an autograph?
Willow: Well, if a heart has to be still, better yours than mine.

Olaf: Stöp! I am Ölaf!
Villager 1: Äaahh! He’s doing an impersönation of Ölaf!
Villager 2: Let’s hit him with fruits, värious meäts and pieces of Ikeä furniture!
Joss: I think we need another translätor.

Villagers: Eeaaaaaagh!!!!
Olaf: You are as small as töys! I will smäsh you to bits with my designer Ikea hämmer!
Joss: OK, Bjorn, you need to remember when you translate – this is the year 880. They don’t have any Ikea.
Bjorn the translator: Oh, and I suppöse they had grainy öld films back then?
Jöss: As a mätter of fäct, they did.
Bjorn: Anyway, I was just trying to make things Unböring.
Jöss: Well, you’re fëyred. Olaf, take care of him.
Olaf: Oh, jöy, a snäck!
Bjorn: Eeeaaaaagh!!!!

(Russia, 1905)
Halfrek: You know what I like about this job?
Anya: What?
Halfrek: How we get to fool around with history.
Joss: I can’t wait till comrade Stalin comes along and takes care of you two.

Xander: Buffy, you want to kill Anya!
Buffy: I don’t… no, actually, wait, I do want to.
Xander: Buffy, think about it! This isn’t new ground! When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them!
Buffy: We help them kill people?
Xander: No, what I mean is, we put a stamp on them and ship them to Giles for five months.
Giles: Don’t even dare think about it.
Willow: Besides, do we hate Anya so much we want to condemn her to watch Giles clean his glasses for five long months?
Giles: Willow, please do remember I still yield coven power. I can conjure you back here in a straightjacket right this instant.

D’Hoffryn: Ah, Miss Rosenberg. So nice to see you. Let me congratulate you on your water-cooler vengeance. May I have an autograph?
Willow: Sorry. Ran out of yellow crayons.

Anya: This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of yours left that you haven’t tried to kill?
Buffy: Only those who aren’t thinking of taking over my show at the end of the season.
Anya: Say, I hadn’t thought about that – Anyanka the Vengeance Wreaker. How’s it sound?
Buffy: I will hit you now. *WHACK*

Anya: You know better than that, Buffy. It takes a lot more to kill a vengeance demon.
Buffy: I’m just getting started.
Anya: It’s about time you did, too! What does it take to get you going, a little pick-me-up with a vampire? No wonder so many people are jockeying for your place!
Buffy: I dislike you very, very much.

Halfrek: *Flash* Oh, hi, Anyanka!
D’Hoffryn: Hello, Halfrek. How do you like your soul - red, well done or water-cooler vengeance?
Anya: No!!! You can’t kill her!!!
D’Hoffryn: And why not?
Anya: Um, um, uh… because those female-empowerment people will sue you if you do!
D’Hoffryn: Hmmm, hadn’t thought of that…
Halfrek: *phew*
D’Hoffryn: On the other hand… *ZAP*
Halfrek: Aaaaaagh!!!
Anya: *GASP*
D’Hoffryn: Have I tought you nothing, Anyanka? Always go for out-of-court settlements.

Anya: Xander?
Xander: Yeah?
Anya: What if I’m really nobody?
Xander: Don’t be a dope. You are somebody.
Anya: Really?
Xander: Yeah. You’re a murderer.
Anya: And you were trying for reconciliation?
Xander: I was, but getting the last bad pun in is so much more fun.

Grrr… arrrgh.