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Disclaimer: All BTVS and Angel characters are property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

Otts: All these episodes to parodize, so little time…
Buffy: Trust me, we can wait a long, long time. In fact, why don’t you go watch a movie instead?
Otts: I promised the gang I’d deliver, so I have to.
Willow: Well then, maybe we could help each other. Why don’t you write in the First Evil’s death in your parody?
Otts: Can’t. Mutant Enemy would kill me.
Spike: And we won’t?
Otts: Tell you what – why don’t I humiliate the First Evil for you guys, say, by revealing his cute heart-pattern boxers?
First Evil: I’m going to kill you all anyway, but I think I’ll start with him.

Buffy: I’m sorry we have to do this.
Spike: No you’re not.
Buffy: Well, actually, you’re right. But I’m supposed to look contrite.
Spike: You should make the bonds tighter.
Buffy: Why, you’re afraid you’ll break free and kill more people?
Spike: No, just for fun. I’ve always dreamed of being tied up in your bedroom and in pain.
Buffy: I can arrange that by a few whacks.
Spike: Not the type of pain I had in mind. Actually, my dream was specifically about being tied up to your bed and in pain.
Buffy: Well, my dream is specifically about staking you and using the dust to make incense.
Spike: I see your point.

Buffy: I need we need to get Spike some blood, if only to shut him up while he drinks.
Willow: You want me to kill Anya?
Buffy: Can’t. The contract says we still need her as a comedy relief till the end of the season.
Anya: I heard that.

Warren: You’re Conan. You’re the destroyer. It’s you against nature.
Andrew: *LUNGE*
Pig: Squeak!!!
Andrew: *LUNGE*
Pig: Squeak squeak squeak!!!
Warren: You’re Peewee Herman. It’s you against Mr. Bean.
Andrew: Oh shut up.

Andrew: I need 8 quarts of pig’s blood… and some toothpaste.
Willow: Toothpaste? Why do you need toothpaste?
Andrew: Hey, what fun is an apocalypse if your evil grin isn’t sparkling white?
Willow: *WHACK*
Andrew: Mmmph! You knoffed ouf half my feefh!
Willow: Well, look at it this way – you just saved $ 3,99 for the toothpaste.
Andrew: Cool! I can buy one more bloob packef!
Willow: *CLOBBER*

Willow: Hey, look who I found! *SHOVE*
Anya: Great, now we have to find another torture chamber.
Xander: Yeah, we’re rapidly running out of bedrooms.
Willow: Well there’s still, uh…
Dawn: You were going to say *your* room, right?
Willow: No, *yours*.
Dawn: No, *yours*!
Andrew: Um, is it OK if I tell you everything I know now?
Willow and Dawn: SHUT UP!!!
Xander: I’ll interrogate him.
Andrew: You’ll get nothing out of me, CARPENTER.
Xander: Actually, you know what’s really useful to make sure a two-by-four is level?
Anya: *Gasp* Xander, no!!!
Xander: When you take it out of the saw, you have to put your plane on it, and then…
Willow: Tool talk!
Dawn: Evil!
Anya: Let’s run!

Principal Wood: *Stare*
Jonathan’s ghost: So how long are you gonna stare at my body before you do the right thing and bury me?
Principal Wood: Just long enough to unsettle the fans with my calmness.
Jonathan: Ugh, don’t tell me they sent us another evil principal!
Principal Wood: Either that, or it could be the Prozac I’ve been taking. You decide.
Jonathan: Or you could be hangin’ out with those hooded guys. I guess it’d give a whole new meaning to the ‘hood.
Principal Wood: *Groan* OK, time to move. Mind if I cut you to pieces so you’ll fit in my SUV?

Xander: …and then the guy said to me, “You can’t use that kind of ratchet on that bolt!” And I said…
Andrew: OK, OK, I’ll talk!!! Please, no more!!!

Harbinger: *WHACK*
Buffy: *WHACK* Hey, I know you guys!
Harbinger: Yeah, you told us it was past our bedtime once. *WHACK*
Buffy: Oh yeah, I remember. And by the way, how come you have no eyes? *WHACK*
Harbinger: We… ran into some trouble on our way here.
Zombie from “Lessons”: *BURP*

Travers: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The First Evil has declared all-out war on the Council… but there’s graver still. They think we British have no sense of humor.
Council members: *GASP!*
Travers: I think it’s about time we struck back. I want an inventory of all the Monty Python videocassettes we have, as well as a list of all the humorous things we British have given the world. That includes Margaret Thatcher, the Spice Girls, Mr. Bean…
Council member: And Benny Hill.
Headquarters: KA-BOOM!
Harbinger: Well, that puts an end to that.
First Evil: About time, too.

Spike: You’ll never get anything out of me.
First Evil: I don’t have to. The point of this is to cut funny pictures into your chest and make you bleed so that RealVampire can be freed.
Spike: RealVampire? What’s that?
First Evil: He’s our new high-tech vampire. Can attack people by the Internet. That’s why he uses RealPlayer.
Spike: Why am I not surprised?
First Evil: So do we have all the symbols carved in, folks? Evil talisman sign, unintelligible Sumeran script, and… a happy face???
Harbinger: Well, I wanted to write “Harby was here”, but it seemed kinda cliché, boss.
First Evil: Oh, you’re so funny.
Harbinger: That’s why they call us the Har-Har-bingers. *chortle*