- The Poobah interviews Samwise Gamgee and Illyria
-2.23.05

 
Recently, our resident Poobah got the chance to partake in a luncheon at the Beverly Hills Hotel with the two stars of the upcoming film, "The Final Season". It was a great honor for him, as he met the incredibly loyal Samwise Gamgee and the God-like beauty that is Illyria.

Poobah: So you two star in "The Final Season", a baseball movie...

Sam: I'd prefer not to think of it as a "baseball" movie, seeing as though I don't know what baseball is. Where I come from we play tater ball. Basically the rules are - you toss a tater in the air and the first one to grab it wins.

Poobah: That sounds relatively boring.

Sam: Well, we're talking the shire here. What do you expect?

Poobah: Good point.

*Illyria stares at Poobah, not blinking at all.*

Poobah: Hi. So what about you? Do you like baseball?

Illyria: In my time, we played human ball. We'd toss a human in the air and the first one to eat it won.

*still staring.*

Poobah: Eee. Such a lovely girl.

Illyria: Was that sarcasm? I should pull your weakling inerds out for your insolence.

Poobah: Yes, I guess I deserve that. So Sam, are you looking forward to working with Illyria?

Sam: I don't know her too well. I mean, she's interesting to look at...all blue and everything. But I don't mean to stare at her. I don't mean to.

Poobah: Huh?

Sam: Well, I am married now.

Poobah: Oh, that's right. How's that working out for you?

Sam: To be perfectly honest, if Frodo were back, I'd probably get a divorce.

Poobah: Uh, why's that?

Sam: You saw "Return of the King", right?

Poobah: Yeah?

Sam: I'm a little....in love with him.

Poobah: Obviously.

Sam: So why'd you ask if you knew?

Poobah: Because I wanted to hear you say what we all had a feeling about. You're totally gay.

Sam: No, I'm not TOTALLY gay...whatever gay is. I love my wife, but Mr. Frodo... he butters my taters.

Poobah: Nyack.

*Illyria stares at Samwise*

Illyria: Butters your taters? What is this of which you speak?

Poobah: He's saying he's homosexual for a hobbit.

Illyria: What is 'homosexual'?

Poobah: It's when 2 people of the same gender fall in love with each other.

Illyria: In my time, there was no love....only for a God such as myself. Anyone who fell in love with anything besides me was crushed by my hand.

Poobah: You're such an understanding deity.

Illyria: I try.

*Poobah tries to change the subject*

Poobah: Ok, so neither of you know anything about baseball, and yet they hired you?

Sam: Yes. But I needed a job after we saved middle earth. And the gardening business just isn't what it used to be. Now that Valdamort is dead, people tend to want to go outside and cut their own grass.

Poobah: Valdamort? I think you mean Sauron.

Sam: Whichever. They're both evil, aren't they?

Illyria: Neither Sauron or Valdamort could even touch a hair on my head in my time. They would be castrated and fed their own fecal matter.

Poobah: You paint such vivid pictures.

Sam: I tried to paint a picture once. It was nude of Mr. Frodo. Unfortunently he wouldn't let me continue, seeing how he woke up and all.

Illyria: You are disturbing to my ears.

Poobah: I think I can safely say he's disturbing everyone right now.

Illyria: I wish to do violence. I will go now.

Poobah: Thanks for your time.

Illyria: You are a rodent, but I won't eviscerate you today.

Poobah: I appreciate it. Well Sam, it's been a pleasure.

Sam: Wait! Can I paint you?

Poobah: No.

Sam: AW! Come on! Why not? Gandalf let me.

Poobah: Let's leave that for next time.

I want to thank Illyria for not killing me, and Samwise Gamgee for...well, not forcing me to strip down, I guess. Until next time, this is The Poobah!

CordeliaChse: AHAHAHAHAHA. 'he butters my taters.'
(06.03.2005, 15:34)

Life's A Show: *bbbbwwwweeeee* I just snarfed my Dr. Pepper. Thanks, Pooh-Bah, for that tickly sensation in my sinuses. Again. :ROTFLMKO.
(25.02.2005, 12:50)

RedShirtCrewman: Ya know, being a southern guy and all, I gotta say...couple more pounds on lyri and she'd be a biscuit!
(24.02.2005, 11:52)

Voltage: Can I just say, I <3 the Poobah for bring a big grinny smile on my face - after a really shitty day. Loved it! :D
(24.02.2005, 11:40)

The First: I always knew that there was something 'special' going on between Gandalf - and good ole Sam.
(24.02.2005, 11:39)