Writer: Drew Z. Greenberg
Director : Michael Gershman

Cast : Sarah Michelle Gellar as Buffy Summers, Nicholas Brendon as Xander Harris, Emma Caulfield as Anya, Michelle Trachtenberg as Dawn Summers, James Marsters as Spike, Alyson Hannigan as Willow Rosenberg.

Main guest stars :

Original broadcast date : November 5, 2002

My one-line description: Buffy wears a Season 1 skirt, drives a Season 3 car and uses a Season 2 rocket launcher. Dawn deplores that she can’t keep up.

Xander walks into his apartment, loudly enumerating the rules as Spike stands at the door. Buffy reminds Xander to invite him in, and he grudgingly does so. She reminds him that the school basement is making Spike crazy. Xander doesn’t see the harm in that – he prefers Crazy Basement Guy to Buffy Stalker Guy, and Dawn agrees. Buffy tells Xander and Dawn that Spike having a soul makes things different. Suddenly, Spike puts his hand on Buffy’s arm to get her attention, which makes her jump. She apologizes, but he sighs and declares this won’t work. She’s adamant, however, that he stay.

The next day, Buffy and Dawn, sitting in the bleachers at football practice, discuss Buffy’s feelings for Spike. Although denying she loves him, Buffy admits to “feeling” for him; Dawn is confused, and Buffy explains that Spike has a soul now and knows what he did is wrong. Dawn wants to know how all of this compares to Xander having a soul and still leaving Anya at the altar, and yet still loving her. Buffy gets up to go back to work while Dawn tries to wrap her brain around these confusing feelings; suddenly, she stops her rant as she spots a cute blond quarterback on the field. Old fifties romantic music plays as she looks at him in pure adoration – so much so that she falls off the bleachers with a yelp.

Buffy fights a demon in Anya’s apartment, as Anya herself crawls towards the door. Buffy dispatches the demon with her battleaxe; “Seems as if D’Hoffryn is trying to take you out, eh?” she says. Anya agrees, and then asks Buffy to leave – she doesn’t need help. Well, actually she does, but she doesn’t want it. Buffy replies that she doesn’t want any of her friends out there alone; Anya admits that Willow’s tactical skills are poor, and that Dawn isn’t good for much…

In a hallway at school, a googly-eyed Dawn finally musters the courage to go talk to “RJ”, who is standing nearby chatting with other football players and cheerleaders. Dawn awkwardly tries to blend in as the kids talk about an injured cheerleader they have to replace, and the upcoming game in which RJ, a quarterback, will lead the team. Dawn blurts out a comment about the QB being the “rudder guiding the ship”, and the others, annoyed, walk away.

In the Summers house attic, Dawn rummages in a chest. She smiles as she finds what she’s looking for…

The next day, it’s cheerleader tryouts at school… and Dawn is there, wearing Buffy’s old cheerleader uniform. When her turn comes up, she launches into an incredibly bad and cheesy cheer, which ends with her botching her cartwheel and sprawling herself on the grounds. As the amused judges call for the next girl, Dawn seats down, mortified and humiliated.

Buffy stands at the bathroom door, trying to get a weeping Dawn to open it and come out. Xander shows up and asks Buffy if they’re still on for movies and dinner. She says it might not be a good idea, but Xander thinks teens in a snit like pizza. “It is not a snit!” Dawn shouts as she opens the door. She claims it’s true love, and now she blew it. As the teen storms to her room, Buffy notices her old cheerleader uniform on the bathroom floor, ripped to shreds.

In Dawn’s bedroom, Buffy confronts her sister about the uniform. Xander thinks this whole crush thing must be caused by RJ’s letter jacket – he’s seen this kind of thing before; Buffy tries to console her sister, but Dawn decides she doesn’t want advice from the “dysfunctional queen”, and asks them both to get out.

The next day at school, Dawn approaches RJ’s locker and overhears him talking with the second quarterback, who’ll be starting the next game instead of RJ. RJ is disappointed, and Dawn follows the other quarterback as he goes on his way. She confronts him, saying that RJ worked hard for his position; he replies that it’s dog eat dog, that’s the way it is. As he starts down the stairs, she follows him, saying it’s not fair to RJ. “Well, that’s not really up to you now, is it?” he replies with a smirk. Dawn angrily pushes the guy from behind, sending him crashing down the stairs. She looks down at her handiwork with shock and… satisfaction.

In Principal Wood’s office, as Buffy stands by, Dawn is spinning a tale about the quarterback stumbling and falling down the stairs on his own. Wood wonders why the guy would say that she pushed him, and Dawn thinks he’s embarrassed at his own clumsiness. Wood accepts the explanation and mourns having to tell the coach about this; “Well, at least you have RJ to take over”, Dawn comments.

Dawn gets up and leaves. Out in the hall, RJ catches up with her and tells her he regrets her being called to the principal’s office; however, he adds knowingly that it’s sucks when something like this happens “out of nowhere”. He asks Dawn if she wants to hang after football practice, and she says YES!!! (I mean, literally).

At the Bronze that night, Xander, Buffy and Willow listen to a band play and talk about Xander’s relationship with his new roommate (apparently having a soul doesn’t incite Spike to pick wet towels off the floor). They notice RJ on the dance floor and recognize him as the guy Dawn has the hots for. They comment on the slutty girl who’s dancing with him (Buffy wonders if that shirt is painted on), but then said girl turns around and they stare in shock as they realize it’s Dawn…

Moments later, Dawn walks by. Buffy grabs her by the arm and tears into her for not telling her about the date, and about the clothes. Dawn comments that RJ likes how she looks, but Buffy replies she’ll be having a “talk” with RJ. After a few hurtful words (Buffy is glad Joyce isn’t there to see this), Buffy forbids Dawn from going back on the dance floor. A frustrated Dawn takes her coat and storms out.

Outside in the alley, Dawn is confronted by a girl who apparently has been dumped by RJ. She warns Dawn to back off, or else. The two girls launch into a cat fight, which is quickly ended by an angry Buffy. The girl kicks the Slayer in the shin as she storms off. “I’ll never let you have him, bitch!” she calls after Dawn.

The next day, RJ exits Principal Wood’s office, his letter jacket under his arm; apparently, he’d been caught getting his groupies to do his homework for him. RJ turns to go, but Buffy calls to him – she’s not finished with him. She gets him to sit inside her cubicle, and proceeds to lecture him about what he’s doing to girls – especially Dawn: using them and playing with them. As they talk, he puts his jacket on, and gradually Buffy’s tone grows less firm and more flirtatious, as she excuses his behaviour on the pressure of leadership, and asks him if he does a lot of running. Her body language makes it clear she’s coming on to him – strong. A teacher enters, which forces Buffy to cut it off – but she does caress RJ’s neck before he leaves, as she tells him she’s glad they had this talk. As he leaves, she watches him, lovestruck, as the same fifties romantic music plays once again…

That evening, Buffy tells Dawn that she had a talk with RJ, and that he’s OK. Dawn gets all excited and wonders what RJ said about her. Buffy says that RJ said she was funny and pretty, but… maybe she came on too strong. Buffy recommends that Dawn take her time and play it cool – anyhow, she’s got big sis looking out for her…

The next day (gee, the episode that spans a week!) Buffy interrupts math class and tells the teacher she has to see RJ. The quarterback follows her out, and the camera reveals that Buffy is dressed seductively in a short catholic school-girl skirt and a black shirt. She leads him into a dark classroom; “There’s no one here”, he notes as she closes the door behind him. Buffy flirtatiously tells him there’s one of her, and one of him… He just has to figure it out.

Meanwhile, Dawn walks down the hallway towards math class, practicing her not-coming-on-too-strong way of looking at RJ. However, as she peers through the classroom window, she notices his desk is vacant…

In the other classroom (the not-so-empty one) Buffy asks RJ what it’s like to be a leader… He talks a bit about football, but she interrupts by suddenly gripping him and kissing him hard. He breaks off, commenting that she’s like a teacher. She wonders if it bothers him, but it doesn’t seem to as they go back at it…

Dawn walks down the hallway, peering through all the classroom windows. Suddenly, she peers into the wrong classroom… and her face registers shock. A few seconds later, she bursts outside and runs to a stone bench, where she falls down crying. Xander walks up and asks what’s wrong – is this about the guy in the jacket? Dawn doesn’t want to hear his name anymore; Xander suggests getting Buffy, but she says she NEVER wants to see her again. A confused Xander replies he thought this was about the guy in the jacket, not Buffy. “It’s about BOTH of them!” a distraught Dawn exclaims.

A few minutes later, Xander enters the classroom… and sees Buffy straddling RJ, her shirt half-removed. Shocked and disgusted, he asks her to get off the boy – they’re going home.

At the Summers home, Dawn cries on the sofa and Buffy tries to comfort her, as Willow, Anya and Xander stand by. Xander is convinced it’s a love spell; “There there, Dawnie… it’s a love spell”, Buffy says condescendingly. Anya adds that soon they’ll be over the boy, but both Buffy and Dawn argue that he’s NOT a boy. Willow tries to convince them that it isn’t real, and Buffy obliges – by trying to convince Dawn that she built this elaborate fantasy about herself and Buffy’s lover. The girls argue, with Buffy still acting terribly condescending to her sister, until Dawn stomps off, having had enough.

Some time later, Willow and Anya do some research about love spells. Buffy comes in just as Willow reports she’s found information on RJ (Buffy giddily asks to see the pictures). Xander recognizes RJ’s older brother as a former jock who used to pick on him at school, and offers to go ask the guy some questions.

That night, Xander and Spike walk up to the guy’s front door and knock. He answers the door, and boy, are they in for a surprise: he’s a dishevelled, overweight slob in a pizza delivery uniform… Inside, Xander sits on the sofa opposite RJ’s brother and makes small talk, while Spike moves around, looking at statuettes on a shelf nearby. Lance (the brother) comments that one year, RJ just seemed to “blossom” and become popular. He also mentions that RJ’s letter jacket is the same one he used to wear when he was a football player, and that their father also had it – in fact, their father had insisted Lance have it… As Spike and Xander look at each other knowingly, Lance invites them to stay and party, but they excuse themselves…

Willow and Anya are still working the laptop researching love spells when the doorbell rings. Willow answers it – it’s RJ, looking for Buffy… and wearing the jacket. The two girls tell him Buffy isn’t available (“No Buffy for you!” Willow tells him) and almost shut the door in his face. As he walks away, they watch him, googly-eyed, as the romantic music plays…

In the living room, Willow and Anya – now both under the love spell – argue about who really saw RJ’s soul. Buffy and Dawn walk downstairs in the middle of the argument. Buffy points out that Willow is a gay woman, and he isn’t. Willow doesn’t think it’s a problem – in fact, she thinks she loves him the most because she’s ready to look past the orientation thing. Buffy counters that by vowing to kill the principal to prove her love; Anya thinks it’ll be hard to top, and Willow says she’ll prove her love to RJ by using magic. “Yeah, what are you gonna do? Use magic to turn him into a girl?” Anya asks. “Damn”, she mutters, realizing she just gave Willow an idea. The three girls separate, intent on carrying out their tasks of love. Before leaving, Buffy cruelly tells “Dawnie” that she’ll never get him…

Upstairs, Willow sits cross-legged in front of a bowl of crystals, four lit candles surrounding her. The picture shrinks to the upper left quarter of the screen as...

Buffy’s Jeep Cherokee screeches to a halt at Sunnydale High, and she emerges with a rocket launcher. The scene shrinks to the upper right corner as…

Anya stands outside a Sunnydale bank in a burglar outfit. She puts on a ski mask and goes in as the scene shrinks to the bottom left, and…

Dawn walks slowly, depressed, towards the train tracks. She lies down across the tracks as in the distance, a train chugs closer…

The camera shows all four quarters of the screen, and all four girls busy in their task of love, as a “Mission: Impossible” type music plays…

As the now lighted crystals swirl around her, Willow starts her invocation to Hecate, asking for a simple change – create a daughter from a s… Suddenly a hand is clasped over her mouth, and the crystals crash back into the bowl. She’s a bit pissed at having to start over, but Xander demands to know what she’s doing – Willow explains she wants to change RJ into a woman to prove that she loves him most. She asks for the crystals so she can do it before Anya, Buffy and Dawn do… and blurts out that Buffy is going to kill Principal Wood.

At school, Wood is sitting in his office doing after-hours work, as soft music plays. Through the window behind him, we see Buffy arrive, take up position and aim the bazooka at him. Suddenly – as Wood, oblivious, continues his work – Spike tackles Buffy, and the two fall out of sight. Seconds later, Spike appears, running with the bazooka, an angry Buffy in pursuit. As they move out of sight, Wood turns to look out the window, wondering if he heard something…

Outside, Spike makes it safely to Xander’s car (Buffy in pursuit), and they see Willow performing a locator spell on the ground…

Dawn is still lying on the tracks as the train moves closer. Xander’s car screeches to a halt, and Buffy and Willow emerge, still arguing about RJ, unaware of the danger… Xander notices Dawn lying on the tracks, and Buffy takes off, clicking into Slayer mode. She hitches on to a train on another track, then jumps off and arrives at Dawn’s side just in time to knock her out of the way. Buffy angrily asks her sister whether she thinks getting trisected will prove her love to RJ. Dawn, sobbing, explains that she can’t compete with Buffy – all she has to offer is her life. Buffy counters that no boy is worth that much… and she admits that she might – “God that boy is hot!” – be under the love spell herself.

Around a street corner, Xander and Spike spy on RJ, walking with the injured cheerleader. At Xander’s signal, they take off, tackle RJ and wrestle the jacket off him. They make their escape before RJ can even react…

At Buffy’s house, Willow, Anya and Xander watch as the jacket slowly burns in the fireplace. Dawn sits quietly on the sofa, looking quite the worse for wear. “I can’t believe I almost…” Willow says. “Well, I can’t believe I almost…” Buffy adds. “ Anya points out they were under a spell, and not responsible for anything immoral or unethical they may have done. Buffy approaches Dawn, a look of concern on her face. Dawn feels bad for how she acted, and the way she treated Buffy; she feels stupid because it was all a spell. “Get ready to feel stupider when it’s not”, Buffy softly tells her.

Willow changes the subject by trying to get Anya to spill the beans on what she almost… Anya evasively replies that she wrote a poem, an epic poem… Suddenly, news of a bank robbery comes on the radio, and Anya shuts it off, inviting everyone to get ice cream, her treat…

Special thanks to www.leoffonline.com