Starring:
Caroline Dhavernas
Katie Finneran
Tyron Letso
Lee Pace
William Sadler
Niana Sarwid
Tracie Thoms

Guest Starring:
Gabriel Hogan
Scotch Ellis Loring
Kari Matchin
Kathryn Greenwood
Chelan Simmons

Written by: Todd Holland & Brian Fuller
Teleplay by: Brian Fuller
Directed by: Todd Holland

ACT I

Niagara Falls, N.Y. We open with Jaye recounting the legend of the Maid of the Mist. Apparently there was God living in the falls and it kept killing Indians. After gifts and animal sacrifices failed to appease it, the chief volunteered his daughter. Too late he changed his mind and went after her. As she’s in her canoe she surrenders to her destiny. The god thinks she’s hot and he’ll enchant and protect the land, forgive the people if she stays with him, which she does. This doesn’t stop the chief from diving to his death. She agrees to live with the god of the Wonderfalls and became Maid of the Mist…

…cut to Jaye, an attractive 24 y.o., and an employee of the Wonderfalls Souvenir Emporium, telling the story to an inquisitive boy. She kicks him out when he won’t buy the videotape of “Surrender to Destiny.” She’s too apathetic to really do anything in the store or take notice of the delivery guy’s interest in her. Gretchen, a former high-school acquaintance of hers who recognizes Jaye. They talk about Gretchen’s wonderful life while Jaye, while Jaye ended up like her high school quote: overeducated and unemployable (went to Brown University and got a philosophy degree). But her parents are happy if she’s happy, but is she? Rather than answer the question Jaye works up Gretchen’s total at the cash. Gretchen asks if she’s at least the manager of the store.

Later in the morning, Jaye and Alec, the other Wonderfalls employee, are in the manager’s office as she chooses Alec (the mouth-breather) as an Assistant Manager, because he’s more of a people person. And while the manager tells them that no one is a loser, loser is the only word Jaye seems fixated on.

At the base of the Maid of the Mist water fountain (a representation of her on her falling canoe, standing up, arms outstretched) Jaye’s taking her lunch, chewing angrily, as Alec is doing his new his new assistant managerial duties. She’s burning with hatred and then chokes on her sandwich, no one noticing her. Someone drops a quarter and she heaves on the ground. The man forgets about claiming his quarter when he sees the look on her face. She throws it at the maid; it ricochets, hitting her at the back of her head.

Back at Wonderfalls, a lady is unsatisfied with her misshapen waxed lion from the Mold-o-rama and even if she can’t get her money back she wants her guest discount, event though she already made her purchases. When Jaye refuses, Alec comes in and diffuses the situation and has Jaye give her the discount. The lion gives her a word of advice to not give the lady her money back. No one else has noticed it. As Jaye hands the lady her change, the woman leaves and her purse is stolen just outside the gift shop. The Lion has that “I told you so” look. Alec comes in with a call from her mother. She takes it and faints.

ACT II

The High and Dry Trailer Park. Jaye has locked herself in the bedroom of her trailer. Her parents, brother and sister, all blatantly successful, are trying to get her out but to no avail. This isn’t really the hugging type of family. Her mother tells the others that the paramedic said there was no physical trauma to her, but they don’t know about the emotional. Their way of dealing with her (“when’s the last time you had an orgasm?”) is not helping. Her mother convinces her to see her therapist.

At the therapy session, Dr. Ron turns around various stress issues, Jaye not really opening up. She notices the reading monkey bookend flipping pages, echoing the fact that it’s perfectly normal for her to be confused. She hides it from view with her purse. Jaye and the Therapist dance around the shared animosity between her and her sister. When he asks “when’s the last time you said you loved your sister”, Jay replies that it isn’t the way they do it in their family. The monkey bends away saying “I love you.”

The Barrel Bar & Restaurant. Jaye stole the therapist’s monkey. Of course it remains silent in front of her friend, Mahandra. She tells her how she fainted and how others think its stress. Mahandra knows Jaye doesn’t have stress, and that she probably enjoyed telling her mother that the mouth breather is now her boss, which she did. Mahandra says it’s because she’s spiteful, in her own special ways that redefines it. Jaye enjoys disappointing her family, they all work hard and are dissatisfied when she’s hardly working and can be dissatisfied all the same. And now she works for a mouth-breather who’s still in high school. Mahandra goes back to work, serving drinks while the new bartender gets another page (his 107^th) on his cell phone, and ignores it. Jaye asks him why he hasn’t put it on vibrate, he answers that he’s not secure enough with his manhood to do so. He gives her a drink on the house. He hasn’t answered his cell since he got married six days ago…

…flashback to newlyweds Heidi and Eric in the honeymoon suite of a hotel, as happy as they can be. But later, Eric walks in on her and the bellman having sex. He storms out and spends the next three days crying at the bar until they offered him a job. He’s been working there ever since.

Back in the present, Jaye gives him the drink and he takes it down in one gulp. Whatever job he had back in New Jersey probably fired him by now. Now he’s almost numb enough to start something on the rebound. She turns him down; he may try for someone who’s less clinically insane. For him that wouldn’t be as interesting. She leaves before anything can happen.

Wonderfalls. Jaye’s watching “Surrender to Fate” and receiving a delivery when the little waxed lion bugs her incessantly to ask him about the wedding ring he doesn’t wear, doing event the Michigan J. Frog bit. She catches him before he leaves and asks him what happened to the ring. He talks about his divorce (apparently not for the first time) and as for the ring, he pawned it. He cries and leaves, while Jaye only thinks “Poor Bitch.” She can’t believe the lion got her to make him cry. The lion shrugs. She sees Poor Bitch throw a quarter at the Maid fountain and the lion tells her “See a penny, pick it up.” She grabs her coat and does just that, the quarter shining brightly compared to the rest. The eagle on it caws at her, she drops it, and it rolls away, into someone’s lunch bag. She chases the guy, who’s now on a bag but gives up, just to see him throw the bag in a nearby dumpster. She picks through it, glares at the people looking at her, and fishes out the quarter, which looks normal now. But something shines in the trashcan, and she takes out a purse, it’s the one from the lady who wanted the discount.

ACT III

Back at the trailer, Jaye has the monkey, the waxed lion, and the quarter all lined up. She traces the steps that led her to the purse, having no idea what it means. Are they God? Are they Satan? She can only conclude that she’s crazy.

After knocking on 71 hotel room doors she finally finds her annoying discount lady. She’s mad because the purse is empty and assumes she and the guy were in on it together, probably an identity theft scam (her daughter watches this in dismay as her mother loses her temper). But Jaye searched the hotel for her, her knuckles are raw from knocking, and shows her fist as visual aid. The lady punches her and Jay hits back, they get into a scuffle.

Jaye’s sister Sharon, a lawyer, gets her released from police custody. Jaye tries to blow the situation over but Sharon won’t let her go, it’s time for Jaye to grow up: disorderly conduct, fainting at work, troubled teen isn’t flattering on someone her age. Jaye asks her why she’s being such a cow, she’s her sister, well there was that one time she told people they weren’t related at their grandfather’s wake and she was the 7^th person Jaye called to get her out. Sharon climbs in her SUV and angrily drives away. Jaye then notices the discount lady’s daughter, who thanks her for finding her mom’s purse.

The Barrel. Jaye explains to Mahandra what happened and wonders if she’s crazy. She tells her about the waxed lion. But Mahandra thinks it’s natural, embodying the world around us, like the Indians (Native Americans) who believe everything has a soul. Jaye elaborates that when the lion talked its mouth moved and words came out of it. Mahandra doesn’t have a problem with that, does Jaye? And she does, Mahandra believes it’s something she repressed about the inanimate souls around her and now it’s revenge time. So she just might be crazy.

Wonderfalls. Jaye’s mother comes in the store: Dr. Ron wants his monkey back and is refusing to her until she does (Dr. Ron had the session taped). Her mother notices Sharon talking with Poor Bitch and asks Jaye to give the monkey back. Before she goes she looks at Jaye, bruised, and tells her it’s time to do something with her hair. After both her mom and sister are gone Poor Bitch comes in and tells her that her sister is hot. The lion echoes that and when Poor Bitch is gone the lion tells her to make him a match. She freaks out, he can’t talk, he doesn’t have a larynx!!

At her trailer, the lion sings all night long about Sharon and Poor Bitch, she desperately tries to sleep. By morning she’s had enough, on the verge of completely cracking she storms in where she left the lion and screams “If I do this will you SHUT UP?!!?” she throws something at it, tossing the lion in the trashcan. It tells her again to make him a match.

The Barrel. Jaye’s set up  date between Thomas (Poor Bitch) and Sharon. Before Sharon can protest about anything Jaye leaves them alone while she gets drunk. The date is awkward and Sharon tells him absolutely nothing’s going to happen between then.

Meanwhile Jaye’s telling the story so far to the bartender, he thinks she’s just teasing about the waxed lion.

Thomas’s truing to figure out what’s so wrong about him and Sharon tells him “the big secret”: she’s a lesbian. Thomas just thinks she’s trying all the excuses on for size.

Jaye can only conclude that the entire universe is conspiring against her, but she couldn’t tell him what’s the point or why. They both think the same thing for an instant and she leaves to see how her sister is doing and before she can fall for the bartender.

Thomas asks Jaye if her sister is really a lesbian but before Jaye can completely lose her temper she notices his goitre. It’s huge. He’s having an allergic reaction to the peanuts in the salad.

Rushing in Jaye’s care to the hospital, she asks Sharon about that crack about her being a lesbian, is she one (not that it would be surprising to her since Sharon drives an SUV). Thomas has stopped breathing and as Sharon is about to trach him, Jaye asks if mom knows. She doesn’t and she would unspool if she knew. Sharon stabs him with an emptied pen.

ACT IV

Emergency Room. While Sharon waits outside, Thomas’s ex-wife comes in. after she wipes the ink from Sharon’s face they hit off.

In Thomas’s room, Sharon and the ex (the latter two are ogling each other to the dismay of Thomas and the amusement of Jaye. Sharon and the ex leave together. Then the nurse comes in and sparks fly between her and Thomas. Jaye can’t believe her eyes and leaves before the sponge bath.

Jaye returns home to find Sharon waiting fro her there. She wonders why Jaye’s being nice to her now, she’s never been like this to her and never asked her back in the old days if she was seeing anyone or even if she liked guys. And now, she’s setting her up on blind dates. Not that she’s complaining but this is not the same person who made her clothes smell like cat pee and asks what’s up with her. Jaye doesn’t know, she feels like she’s been pinballed and tries to make something happen and then there’s a tracheotomy and there are two lesbians. They were just vague, the proverbial they. Sharon hugs her and they monkey pushes her it say “I love you” and Sharon says it back. Jaye’s surprised she doesn’t feel dirty. They can say it again sometimes...like birthdays and holidays in private.

Jaye stands watch at the Maid of the Mist when the bartender, he wonders why the pretty ones always get sacrificed and more importantly, why she didn’t paddle to the other side. Jaye says that she was surrendering to destiny. He doesn’t think that’s so bad, if it’s destiny, then there’s a reason for it: so why struggle with fate? It can be peaceful when you stop struggling. Kind of like drowning. They watch the falls together, Jaye sneaking a smile a bit.

Wonderfalls. Thomas comes in hand in hand with the nurse and tries to thank her but she can’t hear his squeaky voice. He writes down that it was the worst date ever but that it was the best night of his life and looks at the nurse, smiling. He writes down that he’s going to marry her. What a way to rebound. As they both look at her, she checks out a cute Asian and Thomas looks back at Jaye, It probably doesn’t mean anything. Thomas leaves with his girlfriend and watches someone else throw a quarter in the mist fountain. A stuffed bear in a barrel tells her “See a penny, pick it up.” She’s had enough, she had a deal with the lion, which is now silent on the countertop. Alec looks at her as she’s freaking out. It tells her “don’t squeeze the Charmin’” A lady walks by on the street with toilet paper on her shoe. The bear sings and she stuffs it in her coat and goes after the lady. On her way to help her.