Angel: Not without a full risk analysis. We don’t want to go rushing into this thing half cocked.

Gunn: As opposed to the ‘full cocked’ that’s been working so well for us?

Angel: You got something you want to say?

Gunn: Just don’t want to lose another baby with the bathwater. . . . Boss.

Angel: Fine. We’ll send Spike.

Spike: Bugger that. Do it yourself.

Angel: Pack your bags.

Spike: I don’t even speak the language.

Angel: We’ll get you a book.

Spike: How do you say ‘wank off’ in Italian?

Gunn: Can somebody please just get on a plane?

Spike: Alright. What is it this time? Übervamps? Demon gods? Devil robots?

Angel: It’s Buffy.

Spike: The foulest evil Hell ever vomited forth.

Harmony: Worse than you?

Spike: Do you really think we can take him?

Angel: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you mean ‘we?’

Spike: You don’t think I’m going to let you traipse off to Italy with out me, do you?

Angel: You don’t speak the language.

Spike: I’ll get a book.

Angel: Spike, you’re only going to make things worse.

Spike: Oh, look! We get the Kapo’s body, we rescue Buffy, we stop the Immortal. It’s that simple. Unless he kills you. Which would be sad.

Angel: He’s not going to kill me.

Spike: Not if I’m with ya.

Spike: I just want to see you happy. Well, not too happy. ‘Cuz then I’d have to stake ya. Second thought. . . have at it.

Angel: This is a dangerous mission that’s only going to get worse if we don’t put aside our differences. We have to work together on this and stop the Immortal and save Buffy. Pick up that demon body thingie.

Spike: Partners then?

Angel: Just like old times. You want a drink?

Spike: God, yes.

Angel: Huh. Really can’t get drunk off these things.

Spike: Not us, anyway. Vampire constitution. Not always a plus. How’d you know?

Angel: Drank a lot of them and I still don’t like you.

Spike: About Buffy. How did you know she was in trouble?

Angel: I got word.

Spike: From who?

Angel: Source.

Spike: You’ve been spying on her?

Angel: I just wanted to make sure she was alright.

Spike: Sending your lackeys to do your stalking for you. That is really brilliant.

Angel: Alright, fine! I’m not proud of it but it’s. . . . It’s Buffy.

Angel: Remember the last time we were in Italy?

Spike: Like it was yesterday.

[flashback to 1950s, black & white]

Spike: Ciao.

Woman: Ciao.

Drusilla: Ciao.

Spike: Ciao

[back to present day]

Angel: Wait a minute, I wasn’t in Italy in the 50s.

Spike: Oh right. Guess you weren’t. Really missed out.

Angel: Guess so. Sounds a lot better than what I remember.

Spike: 1894?

Angel: The room of pain.

Angelus: Go ahead. Take your best shot. I snatch your little wee sticks out of the air and spend the next fortnight shoving them slowly up your arse.

[henchmen run away]

William the Bloody: Can you really do that?

Angelus: The arrow thing? Never tried.

Illyria: I can no longer hear the song of the green.

Lorne: Do you think that includes me?

Illyria: My world gone. My powers stripped. How would you define it?

Lorne: Um, how about lucky we didn’t kill you when you went nuclear?

Illyria: How can you function with such limitation?

Lorne: Have you tried a seabreeze?

Andrew: I can show you Rome at night. City of contrasts. Anywhere you want to go and anything you want to see.

Angel & Spike (in unison): Buffy.

Andrew: Right, because you two both--. . . . Yeah, she’s not here.

Angel: Where’d she go?

Andrew: She went to meet the Immortal.

Spike: By herself?

Andrew: I told you I had plans.

Angel: When did she leave?

Andrew: Just missed her.

Spike: We’re not too late.

Angel: Of course it could be worse.

Andrew: You’re telling me. Most nights they never leave the house, just curl up on the couch and ‘snuggle.’

Angel: They’re snuggling?

Andrew: For starters. Wait, uh, you didn’t know they were, ah, together?

Spike: It’s worse.

Angelus: He’s my archnemesis.

Darla: Aww, darling. It was just fornication. Really great fornication.

William: She’s glowing, mate.

Angelus: She isn’t.

Darla: Little bit.

William: Best fit you for a pair of antlers. Been made the right cuckold, you have.

Drusilla: Time for another pony ride?

William: Son of a bitch!!!

Angelus: The both of ya?

Darla: He’s insatiable.

William: Drusilla, you let him touch you?

Drusilla: He felt like sunshine.

William: Ah, no.

Angelus: That’s why he had us tossed, so he could violate--

Darla: He didn’t--

Angelus: violate our women!

William: Violate! In succession!

Darla: Concurrently.

Angelus: Concurrently? You never let us do that.

Darla: Come on, Dru. Let’s have a bath so the boys can meet in private.

Drusilla: Will you hold me under the water?

Darla: If you wish.

Angelus: He mocks us at every turn.

William: The man has no sense of indecency! You remember Frankfurt. He hatches the Wrathrune egg personally and then just decides to give those nuns safe passage.

Angelus: Those were •my• nuns.

William: Yeah, nuns are your thing. Everybody knows that. They respect it. They respect us.

Angelus: We’re the reason men fear the night. This isn’t over yet, Immortal! It will never be over!

Spike: It’s over. Just like that.

Spike: The Immortal!?!?

Angel: I mean, come on!

Spike: She’s smarter than that.

Angel: She’d never fall for a centuries-old guy with a dark past who may or may not be evil.

Spike: She’s under some kinda spell.

Angel: I was just thinking that.

Spike: We gotta pick up the Kapo’s body--

Angel: --find the Immortal and break his whammy.

Spike: Right. Hold down the fort. I’ll be right back.

Angel: Oh, yeah. Here it comes, the part where you run off alone and play the big hero so Buffy’ll take you back. Well, news flash, Blondie Bear, never gonna happen.

Spike: Look, I know I don’t have a shot with her, alright? Probably never did. But I still care about her and I’m not going to let her end up with a jerk like the Immortal. Or you.

Angel: Ours is a forever love.

Spike: Oh, I had a relationship with her, too.

Angel: Sleeping together is not a relationship.

Spike: It is if you do it enough times.

Angel: Hey! That’s our car! He’s got our car!

Spike: Hop on, little mama.

Angel: I’m not riding on the back.

Spike: He’s getting away.

Angel: He’s got her, Spike. He’s got Buffy. Why is this always happening to us?

Spike: It’s him! The Immortal. It’s what he does. Every time he shows up I either lose my girl, get chased by an angry mob, or get thrown in prison for tax evasion. . . . Long story.

Angel: Well, you know what? It’s different now. We’re different.

Spike: Damn right we are. We’re not going to be his Shemps anymore.

Angel: Plus we’re just out of our element.

Spike: If this was LA, we’d have him hogtied by now.

Angel: If we had our resources, if we had our team, if we had our helicopters, or, I mean he’d be in a world of--

Spike: Hang on. Doesn’t Wolfram & Hart have an office here in Rome?

Milona Costa Bianchi: The great Angelus.

Angel: Actually, it’s just Angel.

Milona Costa Bianchi: Ah, yes, of course. The gypsies they gave you your soul. The gypsies are filthy people •spit• and we shall speak of them no more!

Angel: Our friend is under some kind of spell.

Spike: Cast by the vilest wretch this side of Mount Everest. . . . Which, I’m told, he’s climbed several times.

Milona Costa Bianchi: No! This is a civilized country. We do these things all the time. Somebody gets kidnapped, somebody pays the money, and everybody goes home happy. Grazi. Prego. Kiss, kiss.

Angel: I helped save the world, you know.

Spike: Like I haven’t.

Angel: Yeah, but I’ve done it a lot more.

Spike: Oh, please!

Angel: Closed the Hellmouth.

Spike: I’ve done that.

Angel: Yeah, but you wore a necklace. Know I helped kill the mayor and, ah, Jasmine. . .

Spike: Do those really count as saving the world?

Angel: I stopped Acathla. That saved the world.

Spike: Buffy ran you through with a sword.

Angel: Yeah, but I made her do it. Signaled her with my eyes.

Spike: She •killed• you. I helped her. That one counts as mine.

Angel: My point is I’m better than this. Ok, •we’re• better than this. What the hell did Buffy see in him?

Wes: Did you get what you needed from that experience?

Illyria: Yes. It was most informative.

Wes: Good. Don’t ever do it again.

Thief demon: You must be so lonely. Your girlfriend has become lovers with the Immortal. How unfortunate for you. And how fortunate for her.

Angel: You know the Immortal?

Thief demon: But of course.

Angel: Huh.

Spike: I knew it.

Angel: None of this is coincidence.

Spike: It’s been his plan all along. Steal our head. Keep us busy. Then traipse off with my girl. •Our• girl.

Angel: It’s a set up. You’re just his lackey.

Thief demon: I should be so lucky. The Immortal does not need a man like me to do his business. He is a wild card. A wolf removed from the pack. A stallion without the bridle.

Spike: What, are you in love with him?

Thief demon: No, no, no, no. Well, ok, yes, but if anything he is more of an inspiration. A spiritual guide. Have you read his book? It’s a life change.

Angel: I’m getting a little tired of Italy.

Spike: Know what you mean.

Thief demon: Oh, look. The Americans are relying on violence to solve their problems. What a surprise.

Thief demon: You give us the money, we give you the head. . . . . You give us the money, we give you the head. . . . Money, the head, the money. . . .

Angel: Yeah, we get it.

Angel: He’s screwing us. He’s screwed us before and he’s screwing us again.

Spike: Every time we hear his bleeding name we wind up standing in the strata holding the bag.

KABOOM!

Spike: Civilized country. Look what that squeaker did to my jacket.

Angel: With everything we’ve been through you’re pissed about a jacket?

Spike: Not a jacket, my jacket. You have no idea what I went through to get this.

Angel: You ripped it off the body of a dead Slayer

Spike: Which gives it great sentimental value. Besides I’ve been wearing it for over 30 years. It’s like a part of me.

Angel: Get over it. BI’ll buy you a new one.

Spike: It’s my second skin. Part of who I am. Just one more thing that he’s taken away that I’ll •never• get back.

Milona Costa Bianchi: What happened at the drop? No grazi, prego, kiss-kiss?

Angel: Grazi, prego, ka-boom.

Milona Costa Bianchi: Ah, they always do this to first timers in this country. Did I not mention this?

Milona Costa Bianchi: Sometimes you have to put your faith in a higher power.

Angel: We’re heroes, we don’t need any higher power.

Milona Costa Bianchi: I’ll be in touch.

Angel: We make our own fate! We don’t need anybody cleaning up our mess! You know, we’re champions!! We’ve got this under control! You know, we’re just gonna. . . .we’re. . . Should we just go home.

Spike: Oh, God, yes. You couldn’t get me out of this rat-hole of a country fast enough.

Spike: Andrew, has Buffy been acting off? Like the Immortal’s got her under a spell of sorts?

Andrew: Excellent question. . . . No.

Angel: Could it be mind control?

Spike: Or a love potion? Did she drink a love potion?

Andrew: Dudes, seriously, I thought of all those things. But turns out Buffy fell for the Immortal on her own and now she’s happy. That’s it.

Angel: But she’s not finished baking yet! I’m gotta wait til she’s done baking and until she finds herself cause that’s the drill. Fine! I’m waiting patiently and meanwhile the Immortal’s eating cookie dough!

Andrew: Spike? Is Angel crying?

Spike: No. . . . Not yet.

Andrew: You may want to hold the waterworks, big guy. The Immortal’s cool and all, but you know that. He’s got his flaws.

Angel: Really.

Spike: What are they?

Andrew: The point is, she’s moving on. You guys do the same you might catch her one day. One of you, anyway. But you keep running in place you’re going to find she’s long gone.

Spike: It is a bit silly. Chasing around like a couple a hen-pecked teenagers.

Andrew: Buffy loves both of you, but she’s got to live her life. People change. You guys should try it some time.

Illyria (as Fred): Wes? Are you, like, mad at me or something?

Wes: Stop it.

Illyria: Isn’t it what you desire? (as Fred) I mean, you love me. I love you. What’s the big deal?

Wes: I loved her.

Illyria: You loved this. Part of you still does. I can feel it in you. I. . . . wish to explore it further.

Wes: Never. You, like this? It sickens me.

Illyria (as Fred): Oh, Lord. We both know that ain’t true.

Wes: Stop it. Change back. Be blue. Be anything. Don’t be her. You’ll never be her.

Illyria: As you wish.

Angel: Gunn, we lost the head. Start preparing the troops for war.

Gunn: Head’s in your office.

Angel: What?

Gunn: It’s on your desk.

Angel: (reads a card) “With regards. The Immortal.” I really hate that guy.

Spike: What’s Buffy thinking? Honestly.

Angel: She doesn’t exactly have the best taste in men. Case in point.

Spike: Hey! I think I turned out alright.

Angel: Yeah. Once she got through with you

Spike: I wasn’t the one living in alleys rubbing rat filth all over my face. We’re talking projects, you’re the Sistine Chapel.

Angel: I wasn’t a project.

Spike: Well neither was I. Can’t we just lock her away in a box. Where no one can ever touch her. You know? Like we did with Pavane.

Angel: I don’t think she’d let us. She’s, she’s pretty strong.

Spike: We could do a spell. Some sort of mind control.

Angel: S think she’d figure it out. She’s pretty smart.

Spike: So what? We just have to live with it? Get on with our lives?

Angel: ‘Fraid so.

Spike: Fine. No problem. I was planning on doing that anyway.

Angel: Yeah. Me, too.

Spike: Actually I’m doing it right now. As we speak I’m moving on.

Angel: Moving on.

Spike: Oh, yeah.

Angel: Right now.

Spike. Moving.