Just What You Mean to Me

by DiamondForever

Copyright © 2003

diamond4everlucy@gmail.com

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: How I wish these characters were mine, but alas, they are the property of Joss Whedon and his genius (not really, what genius could kill Tara?).
Distribution: The Mystic Muse /mysticmuse.net
You can use it, but tell me first.
Feedback: As always, yes! I'll even pay you in the form of cookies!
Spoilers: Season 4.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

They lay side by side on the bed, studying for final exams, both not really studying, but sneaking glances at the girl that lay beside her. You could say that they shared more than just the bed they lay on, or the room they were in together, for they shared the same feelings.

Willow, for example, didn’t know just what those feelings were telling her. It was, after all, a totally new experience, being drawn to a girl. She wasn’t, and shouldn’t have been, sure of the allure, just that there was something…there; an unmistakable attraction.

Meanwhile, Tara knew that what she felt was the feeling of attraction, but it was a new experience for her as well…her first love.

Really, could the relationship be possible? Willow didn’t know. Would her friends freak? Would they still accept her when and if she ever did come out to them? Would her parents? And…did she even know if what she was feeling was really what she was feeling? How could she tell? Was another relationship so soon something even plausible for Willow-the-broken-hearted?

Willow knew how it felt to trust your heart. And both of the times that she’d done that, her heart had let her down. Was she ready for a third try?

And Tara had had her share of crushes…just to be beaten down, or worse, brushed aside every time. Would this be the same as all the times before?

They’d both been hurt before…neither knew of she was ready to take that leap of faith. Could either of them do so after their respective pasts? Nothing had ever worked out for them, ever.

And for Willow, it had been worse. She had loved, been loved. Oz had been her world…and he had left. He hadn’t listened to her as she’d pleaded for him to stay with her, that she was willing to take him back; he’d just kept going.

Willow turned to face Tara. "Do you wanna go away?"

"W-what?" Tara’s blank, hurt stare betrayed the shock and confusion she felt.

"No! I don’t want you to go away…" Willow sat up. "I mean, us, away from Sunnydale."

The confusion merely grew. "Why? Y-you have your friends here. W-why would you want go away?"

"It’s so dangerous here. And there are so many memories. Bad ones. Can’t we just leave? You know, get away for a while?"

"B-but your friends need you," Tara reasoned. "They n-need your help to keep Sunnydale s-safe."

"No they don’t, Tara," Willow replied. "I’m just a sidekick. All Sunnydale needs is Buffy. You’re all I have…and I wanna make that special."

"Willow…" Tara looked down, smiling. She didn’t say it, but anyone could see that Willow’s comment had touched her heart. "I-I want to tell you something…"

"I wanna tell you something too, Tara. But I don’t know how to say it…"

They stared at each other for awhile, awkwardly trying to speak their minds.

"I, uh – "

"You see, I -"

Laughter rang out.

"We’re not getting anywhere with this, are we?" Willow smiled.

"N-no," Tara answered, blushing.

"How about you go – "

"What if you go first – "

Once again, they laughed.

"W-we could try this again l-later," Tara suggested. She’d lost her nerve in the awkwardness of the moment.

"Yeah…"

Willow cursed herself for not telling Tara. Why was it that she could never say what she felt? Like she’d told Buffy, it came to sweaty hands and vowel sounds. But hey, actual words this time around. Guess there was improvement there. But then again, her hands were sweaty, and she couldn’t really seem to form more than a single phrase of affirmation with her mouth. Love was making her do the dance of the wacky once again. Had she really fallen so hard?

Tara didn’t even know if what she was feeling was in fact love. Mother had always said that she would know when it happened, when she had found her true love. Was Willow her true love? How could she be sure? In the cartoons, love hearts would be popping out of heads right about now…but not in real life. How could she be sure?

Could Tara even know if what she was doing was…right? And she knew this wouldn’t last forever; the demon would see to it. Would she be considered selfish for risking the safety of this beautiful angel in exchange for a few months of happiness? Tara didn’t – couldn’t – know.

Their hearts told them to follow the path that destiny had laid for them…but would they be able to find the courage to do so?

"How about now?" Willow swore to herself that she would go through with it this time. "Can we talk now?"

"Y-yeah…" Tara shifted closer to Willow, trying to maintain the casual, I’m-a-friend attitude. "W-what was it?"

"Ummmm…" The vowel phonetics took over the redhead once again. "It’s about us," she managed.

"H-huh?" Tara’s worst fear made it’s way to the surface of her pool of thoughts. Had Willow tired of their friendship so soon? Was she going to tell her to go away just like all the others? "A-about us?"

"I told you I wanted to tell you something," Willow began, "but I can’t seem to say it out loud."

"I-I understand," Tara whispered. "It was b-bound to happen sometime…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Y-you’re tired of hiding me away f-from your friends," Tara explained. "It’s ok. I-I understand, r-really. It’s h-hard to keep secrets, b-best way is to g-get rid of it."

"Tara…" Willow lifted the blonde’s chin, staring into her cerulean eyes. "You’re not going anywhere."

"I-I-I…what?" The realization sunk in, that Willow wasn’t telling her to go away, and Tara smiled. Had she found a true friend? Had she found someone who wanted to be with her?

"I’m going to tell you something," Willow started again, "and I’m going to say I’m sorry right now, just in case this upsets you at all. Ok?"

Tara nodded, and Willow opened her mouth to continue, but was once again overcome by her doubts. "I uh…" She frowned. Why couldn’t she just say it?

And then it struck her. Who said she had to say it? But she could try once more. So once again she opened her mouth, trying to force the words through her mouth. Over and over again, she tried, until Tara began to look away, breaking their connection.

"Screw it," Willow muttered as she grabbed the blonde’s cheeks and pulled their mouths together.

The kiss lasted for that "forever" moment, Tara’s lips at first motionless, but soon beginning to move against Willow’s. For that one moment, they forgot about their problems, demon and reality, flying away to their own reality, where every second was a perfect second They didn’t venture much further. After all, this feeling was still new to both of them…but hey at least it was mutual.

When Willow pulled back, her mind was cleared; no more overwhelming heebie jeebie nerves. She’d been set free. Kissing a girl had done that to her. No, kissing the girl had done that to her.

"Tara?" Willow whispered, leaning her forehead against the blonde’s. "I love you."

Relief flooded through the blonde, as a bright smile lit her face. She loved, and was loved in return, by the most amazing person in the world, not to mention her first real friend. And she could say it too now…"I-I love you too, Willow."

The End

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