The Dark Rose

By darkmagickwillow

Copyright © May 2003

Chapter 13 (Life after Death)

Tara blinked as she stepped into the bright morning sunlight, closing the door of the bagel shop behind her. She turned back to see Willow watching her from inside the shop. She couldn't help herself from smiling as she saw Willow trying to look cute in an attempt to lure her back inside. Shaking her head firmly, Tara waved goodbye, refusing to be enticed into spending more time here this morning. She was already late for her meeting with Giles, but she was happy.

They were taking things slowly, but they met here for breakfast every morning. Willow had insisted on saving her from the evils of dorm food in the morning, pointing out that breakfast was the most important meal of the day. Tara hadn't protested, but she had objected to Willow's suggestions about what they should eat. Willow's ideas for breakfast had started with doughnuts and gone downhill from there.

Chocolate ice cream had been Willow's final suggestion though Tara had no idea where she was going to find that first thing in the morning. Willow had stubbornly defended her idea, arguing that both dairy and chocolate were essential food groups. Tara had been forced to resort to pouting to win the argument, but it had gotten Willow to cave in immediately. She grinned as she stored that knowledge away for a time when she'd really need it; for instance, if Willow forgot her goodnight kiss or some other equally dire circumstance.

Tara had skipped quite a few cafeteria dinners this week to be with Willow too. They talked every night and had tried some spells together that hadn't involved immediate danger for a change. They weren't making the best of progress on that front, however, as they kept getting distracted.

She would reach over to fix an errant lock of red hair and suddenly neither of them could remember what they were working on. They had tried to institute a no touching rule during spellcasting, but they had only made it through one spell that way. She didn't really mind. The floating rose spell had been beautiful anyway.

They were sitting facing each other on the hardwood floor of her dorm room. A square of black material upon which she had circumscribed a circle around a star in white sand sat on the floor between them. Her face was slightly flushed with anticipation as she watched Willow place the long-stemmed red rose inside the mystic symbol. The rose was just beginning to bloom, its petals almost completely closed.

"We'll start out slow," Willow said, reaching across the circle for Tara's hands.

"Okay," Tara agreed, taking Willow's hands in her own and closing her eyes as Willow had. She waited.

After waiting a few minutes, she opened her eyes a tiny crack and peeked out at Willow to see what she was doing. Willow was sitting crosslegged with her eyes closed, her brow furrowed in concentration. "Willow?" she asked.

"Yeah," Willow answered, her eyes still closed.

"Start out slow doing what?" Tara asked, feeling foolish as she opened her eyes fully to look questioningly at Willow.

"Oh," Willow said in a soft voice, looking a bit embarrassed for not explaining the spell. "We're gonna float the rose. Then use the magicks to pluck the petals off, one at a time. It's a test of synchronicity. Our minds have to be perfectly attuned to work as a single delicate instrument."

"Cool," Tara said after a moment of consideration.

"And it should be very pretty," Willow added with a smile.

They closed their eyes together, their breaths slowing as they stilled their minds to focus on the rose. Tara felt a warm tingling beginning in her fingertips like it had the day they had broken the storm. Today it was softer, slower, as the sensation inched its way up her arms. She could feel the rose quivering with her mind as the tingling grew into a warm resonance that poured into her blood.

She felt like she was the one who was floating as the pulsing current reached her heart and it sped up to match the cadence of the tide of magic flowing through them. Her breathing quickened, each breath bringing into her the power of the spell they were working together. The thrill of magic burning through her body, air and water and fire all at once, heightened to euphoria as she felt the rose lift from the earth.

She opened her eyes to see the rose floating in the air between them. "It worked," she breathed with a warm, giddy smile.

"Now for the hard part," Willow said, her broad smile making Tara feel even warmer inside. "The petals."

They concentrated on the rose together, breathing rapidly as the passionate warmth of their conjoined magic surged through their bodies. Tara tried to focus on reaching for one of the petals, on knowing without asking which one Willow would be reaching for at the same time, but the sweetness and warmth of the magnetic current between them drew her attention away again and again.

The rose shuddered in the air as they each individually tried to reach for its petals with the magic. It jerked towards Tara as she reached for it too eagerly. Finding Willow not yet ready to meet her, she lost her mental grip on the flower and it floated away from her. Plucking the petals wasn't as easy as she thought it might be. Their synchronicity had to be perfect.

She looked across the circle at Willow and saw her struggling with the same problem. Their eyes met and the intensity of their joining rippled through both of them. Tara felt it rising and growing, filling every cell of her body. She instinctively tightened her grip on Willow's hands and felt Willow reciprocate her action.

Tara began to let her head fall back, eyes fluttering closed, when she heard a wordless sound of surprise from Willow. Her eyes snapped open. The petals of the rose were beginning to open as the living force of their power flowed through the flower. Eager to see more, she tried to focus her magic on bringing the rose to full bloom.

The rose shot up in the air. She heard a soft pop and looked up just in time to see an explosion of red. She smiled as she felt a soft, silky petal kiss her cheek. The petals of the rose were falling all around them. She smiled crookedly and let out a sparkling laugh at the expression of surprise on Willow's face.

"What the heck was that?" Willow said in a shocked voice.

"I don't know," Tara said, still smiling. "But, uh, the petals are off."

She had planned to do some catching up on school work today and tomorrow as she was getting behind in her classes due to all the time she spent with Willow, but Giles had left a unusually serious message on her answering machine last night about this meeting. He hadn't said what it was going to be about, just to be at the library at 9 o'clock sharp on Saturday. With the Master gone and the vampire count still low at night, they hadn't had any meetings beyond a quick pre-patrol check in since their eventful encounter with his spectre at the library last week. In fact, Giles had been quite taciturn since he had visited her in the hospital.

As Tara slipped through the doors of the library, she was surprised at the absence of Spirit and Giles from the long table where they usually held their meetings. The library was unusually quiet as she looked around for Giles. She wondered if she had heard the message correctly as it was several minutes past 9 o'clock according to the clock on the wall. Giles was never late. Tara walked towards Giles' office, shivering a little as she recalled the events that had brought her there the last time.

The office door was closed and the small window in the door was covered so she couldn't see if he was in or not. She knocked on the door and waited a minute before hearing the sounds of someone getting up inside and approaching the door. The door opened and Mr. Giles looked out at her, appearing unusually serious even for him. "I was just trying to call you," he said with a frown. "You're late."

"I'm sorry," Tara apologized. "Is everything okay? Where's Spirit?"

"I wanted to talk with you alone today, Tara. Please come in." He moved out of the doorway and motioned her inside.

Tara entered his office, feeling like she'd been called in to the principal's office for doing something wrong but without any idea of what she might have done. Giles carefully shut the office door behind her so they would not be disturbed. He gestured to a chair beside one of the bookcases.

Tara sat down in it while he sat down in the chair behind his paper-strewn desk. He looked at her as if uncertain of where to start.

"Is everyone okay?" Tara asked anxiously. She had never seen Giles like this before. He always seemed imperturbable, prepared for anything and everything.

"Everyone is fine," he said soothingly, "But I have some things to tell you about Willow, and I'm not quite sure where to start."

Tara nervously wondered what he knew about Willow. She didn't know much about Willow's past, but she knew that Willow had been deeply involved with dark magic. It seemed almost unbelievable that someone so good could have done such things, but Tara herself had tried dark magic once.

Once.

There was a difference between making a single mistake and what Willow had done, but she could feel the pain and loss that Willow tried to hide from her. She knew there were reasons for Willow's dark past even if she didn't know what they were.

Giles had reacted so strangely when she had mentioned Willow's name in the hospital. She had almost forgotten that in the joy of her past week with Willow. What did he know? Her thoughts leading her back to Giles who was still silent, Tara prompted, "How about starting at the beginning?"

"I guess that is the best place to start," Giles mused, looking off into the distance for a moment as he thought again about how to tell Tara this story. He still wasn't sure what was best to do, but he had to follow his principles. Tara had a right to this knowledge about herself, and she couldn't make the right choices without knowing this.

"I met Willow at the old Sunnydale High about 25 years ago," Giles began. "It was when I came to Sunnydale to be watcher for my first slayer."

"Twenty-five years ago?" Tara interrupted with an incredulous look on her face. "That can't be Willow. She's close to my age." Giles must be mistaken. He hadn't even met her Willow.

"She may look your age Tara," Giles said very seriously. "But she's not. Willow is an experienced witch with more power than you can imagine." He looked significantly at Tara, trying to impress upon her the import of his words.

Tara met his gaze uneasily, unsure of what to believe. Willow looked like she was twenty. How could she look like that and be as old as Giles claimed she was?

"She was a sophomore in high school when I met her," he continued. "She hadn't yet learned about witchcraft, but she was there to help us from the beginning. She was always willing to help us, whether with research or in directly confronting one of the evils that regularly assailed Sunnydale."

Tara was still trying to take in the idea that Willow was so much older than her as Giles continued with his story. She wanted to voice more objections, but something about the tone of Giles voice compelled her to listen to what he was saying.

"She later learned about witchcraft so she could help us even more," Giles said, continuing his story. "I'm afraid that I encouraged her too much in this or at least didn't warn her strongly enough about the dangers." He looked almost guiltily at Tara, then he looked away as he continued with his story. "She was so bright and talented that I thought she could bear the burden. Eventually we needed her so much that I couldn't refuse her help even when she began delving into the dark magicks, but I'm getting ahead of myself."

He took off his glasses and polished them for a moment, his eyes distant while he tried to find his place in the story again. He thought about those dark magicks and wondered if they would soon be directed at him when Willow learned of what he had told Tara. The last time they had met she had saved his life even though she had killed so many others.

He wasn't sure that he would be spared this time and there was little he could do against Willow. His words would be the only shield he had, but he loved Tara like a daughter and he couldn't let her walk into the darkness blindly. If he had failed Willow, and he suspected he had, then perhaps he could redeem himself by not failing Tara this time.

Tara watched Giles anxiously after his remark about dark magicks. She shifted her weight nervously in her chair as he fell silent.

"Willow chose to attend UC Sunnydale so she could stay and help us," he said, placing his glasses back on his face. "I was so proud of her willingness to help others. There were some difficult times for all of us that first year of university, but I think it was hardest for her. However, she adjusted and fell deeply in love with someone very special. I didn't see it at first, but when I did I saw that they were meant for each other."

Her heart contracted painfully as Giles's words reverberated in her ears. Meant for each other. That's how she felt about Willow. They were so different, yet they shared this ineffable sense of connection. And her dreams. How could Willow be meant for someone else?

Giles paused, having difficulty continuing. They had been so beautiful together--even with the vampires and the demons--until that one terrible afternoon his story was inexorably approaching. It all related so directly to this young woman in front of him, yet she hadn't the slightest clue about how his story related to her. He didn't know how Tara would react when he told her everything. Could it really work out so well again? Could he forgive Willow for what she had done even if it did?

"The next year we faced the most dangerous opponent that we had ever met--Glory, a hellgod," he said, resuming the story. Catching Tara's look of disbelief, he nodded to her. "Yes, she really was a god. She was all but invincible and Buf...the slayer couldn't beat her. She could barely slow her down."

"The only one of us who could do anything was Willow. She saved our lives more than once, but she had to delve deeper into dark magic each time to do so. The worst was when Glory took the mind of Willow's lover, leaving her alive but helpless and insane." He had felt so helpless at the hospital that day, and he could only imagine how Willow had felt.

Tara gasped, her heart aching for Willow's loss even though she wanted Willow to be hers. No wonder Willow didn't like talking about her past. She didn't know what she would do if something happened to Willow and she had only known her for a few weeks.

Giles paused a moment to watch Tara's reaction intently. "Willow had just had an argument with her lover and took it badly," he continued, having seen no signs of past memories surfacing in Tara. "She blamed herself. With her lover in the hospital, Willow sought out Glory for revenge, armed with the darkest magicks she could find. She hurt the hellgod, but only the slayer's intervention saved her. Willow seemed to calm down after that but I think that she still blamed herself, both for the fight and not for being strong enough to stop Glory."

Tara finally understood why Willow had turned to dark magicks. It was a terrible mistake, but one she could understand. Willow must have been hurting so badly that night. Maybe she had even wanted to die in that confrontation, thinking that she had nothing left to lose.

"We left town to escape Glory and survived with the help of Willow's magicks," Giles said. "But even she couldn't stop Glory from taking Dawn, the slayer's sister. We defeated Glory with Willow's help, but the slayer had to die to close the portal. In a single night, Willow got her lover's sanity back, and she lost her best friend." That had been one of the darkest days of all their lives, but Buffy had saved the world again and he had been proud of her sacrifice no matter how much he wished she hadn't done it.

"No more," Tara pleaded, holding up her hand to stop Giles from continuing the story. She had heard enough. His words were like blades, stabbing into her with each tragic event that he described.

"Tara," Giles said, his eyes understanding but also determined. "I know it's a painful story to hear. It's a painful story to tell too." His mouth twisted. He couldn't even bring himself to say Buffy's name aloud after so many years. He knew how it hurt, but he knew it would hurt her more when she learned everything. She had to know just the same. "This story is important to you, and not just for what I have to tell you about Willow. Please stay and listen."

Tara nodded, unable to bring herself to speak but accepting his judgement. He had always been there to help her in the past. She trusted him.

"Over the summer," he continued. "Willow led us on patrol every night in place of her dead friend. Unbeknownst to me, she also spent much of her time researching a way to resurrect the slayer. The day I left Sunnydale, she brought her friend back to life." He had been proud of Willow's leadership, but the pride had turned bitter when he learned that she had been planning Buffy's resurrection behind his back the whole time.

Tara's eyes widened in shocked surprise as she heard about the resurrection. "That's not possible!" she exclaimed. She had tried and what she had brought back before breaking the spell hadn't resembled her mother in any way but physically. She had believed her books after that about the inevitable failure of raising the dead.

"I never heard of a successful resurrection until then," Giles admitted. "But Willow did it even though she was attacked by a group of demon bikers while she was casting. They almost killed her and her friends. However, the slayer's soul had been in heaven and she wasn't happy to be back."

He had been so happy to have Buffy back, but the risks Willow had taken were tremendous and she hadn't realized that. He hadn't been able to get through to her, and he had been so focused on Buffy's return that he hadn't spent enough time trying. Yet it was bitterly ironic that the one spell that he had convinced her not to cast, the one to locate the source of the M'fashnik demon, would have led them to Warren and his colleagues before they could have caused much harm. It might have prevented Tara's death at Warren's hands later.

Tara suddenly understood why Willow had reacted so strongly to protect her from the biker demons at the cemetary. Every step Willow had taken into the darkness had a reason behind it. Willow hadn't chosen dark magicks for herself, but to protect and help her friends.

"Meanwhile," Giles continued. "Willow was using magic heavily to deal with even the most trivial problems. She used magic to interface with her computer, even to create decorations for a party. Magic became the solution to every problem for her. She was proud of her ability, unable to accept anyone's suggestion that she might be using it too much. Finally, she cast a spell on her lover to stop a quarrel between them. I suspect she was terrified of a fight between them after what had happened the first time they had argued, but her lover found out about the spell and left her."

Tara's eyes filled with surprised hurt, appalled that Willow had cast a spell on her lover. While it wasn't easy to accept her use of dark magicks, that was something Tara already knew about. She hadn't thought Willow capable of this kind of intimate betrayal. While there were many things that Willow hadn't told her, Willow had never lied to her even when the truth was uncomfortable.

"She lost the very thing she was trying so desperately to keep," he said with a frown, raising an eyebrow slightly. "But after a dark period, Willow gave up magic and got her life back together." He regretted not being there for her. It must have been so hard for her to change her life all by herself. Perhaps events would have turned out differently if he had been there.

Tara leaned closer to better hear his story, hopeful that something might turn out right at last.

Giles took a deep breath as he began the truly difficult part of the story, about those few days that had changed Willow from a wonderful young woman with a bright future to one of the darkest forces that walked the Earth. "Her lover returned to her, but-" he said, cutting his eyes to the side as if he could not bear to look at her and finish his sentence.

After a long pause, he resumed the story, his voice choked with emotion and his eyes full of pain and sorrow. "The next day her lover was shot by an assassin attempting to kill the slayer. For reasons I don't comprehend, when she tried the resurrection spell again, it failed her when she needed it the most."

Tara wanted to look away, to close her ears to what she was hearing as Giles relentlessly piled tragedy after tragedy upon her, loss following loss in quick succession. Willow had made mistakes, but she hadn't deserved all the tragedies that befell her. No one did.

"Afterwards, she went to the magic shop and absorbed all the dark magicks there, then killed the assassin with that power before going after his accomplices in crime," Giles said. "We were barely able to save them from her. In the end, she defeated us all and went on to try to destroy the world to end her pain. In some ways, I don't blame her for that." He smiled bitterly at Tara. "I think that the grief along with the dark magic she had absorbed had driven her mad by that point, but somehow her best friend Xander managed to talk her out it." Giles paused, shaking his head as he said, "I still have a difficult time believing how that worked out." He thought again to himself that if he hadn't left or if he had just returned sooner, none of those things need have happened.

Tara turned away from Giles, unable to bear hearing any more of his tragic story. She let the curtain of her golden hair hide her face. Everything had turned out so dark. She recalled the fervency of Willow's embrace in the hospital, and knew now that that had been the first time her friend had been able to lay down all the pain she had suffered. She was torn by what she had just heard, agonizing over what Willow had done, yet at the same time feeling the pain that had driven Willow to such extremes. She wished she could take Willow in her arms right now and take away all that pain.

Giles saw Tara turn away and knew what she must be feeling, but there was still more and worse to come. "Afterwards," he continued. "Willow seemed normal or as normal as someone could be after all that trauma. She left Sunnydale immediately after the funeral. A few years later I began hearing rumors about a nameless dark witch who was seeking information about necromancy and would stop at nothing to learn how to bring back the dead. I became almost certain it was Willow when the Watcher's Council called me to England to meet about the dark witch."

She turned back to Giles, still looking down to let her hair shield her face as if it could protect her from the pain of what she was learning. "Watcher's Council?" she asked, her voice a little rough as it came from her tight throat.

"Yes, there used to be enough watchers to have a council," he said, his eyes dark. "When I arrived at the Watcher's Council that night, I found the castle in ruins and everyone, all the guards, watchers, and researchers, dead. In the library below the castle, I met Willow for the last time. She freely admitted to destroying the Council and told me of her quest to resurrect her dead lover. I left and I never saw her again."

That night had convinced him that Willow had fallen into darkness forever, but looking into Tara's blue eyes as he told his story showed him a light that could pierce the darkness if any could. He could tell that she already loved Willow, but how would she feel once he told her everything? He still didn't know which he wanted, for them to be together with all the risks that entailed or to be apart with Tara safe but with Willow lost in darkness forever.

Tara's face paled as Giles told her about the destruction of the Council. She had seen Willow's fury unleashed on the demons in the graveyard, but she couldn't believe that someone so gentle and loving as the Willow she knew would unleash that same power on people. She tried to think of some objection to voice to Giles to show him that Willow couldn't have done this, but he had been there and seen what Willow had done. More than anything though, she wanted to run to Willow for comfort.

Giles watched Tara's reactions to the story as he prepared to tell her the most difficult part. "Now I have to tell you how all this relates to you," he began.

"I think I know," Tara said bitterly. "You don't want me to see Willow again."

"That might be a good idea," Giles acknowledged, but then he shook his head. "That's not what I was going to say though," he continued. "Willow's lover died nineteen years ago. You were born nineteen years ago." He pulled open the desk drawer and pulled out a picture of a group of happy young people. Showing it to Tara, he pointed to the young blonde woman standing by a happy looking Willow who had green eyes and short red hair and said, "That's Tara Maclay, Willow's lover."

Tara's eyes widened in surprised recognition as she heard that name. She had seen it on a tombstone the night she had met Willow. An urgent thought nagged at her from the back of her mind. There was something important about Giles' comment about her age. She pushed it away. "So you're saying I'm a substitute for her?" she said.

"No," Giles said, looking at her steadily. "I'm saying that you are Tara Maclay."

She couldn't deny it any longer. Everything fit: Willow, the dreams, the picture, even her name. She had been Tara Maclay, Willow's lover. Her dreams were of the past, not the future. It was all too much.

Everything in Giles's story was about her. She was the lover who Willow had found and lost, only to die when they had found each other again. She was the reason behind Willow's dark quest.

When you read about this kind of thing in a story, it sounded so romantic. Two people meant to be in love, fated to be together in every lifetime. But when it happened to you it was so confusing, opening so many questions. Did they really love each other or were they simply toys of fate manipulated by an invisible hand?

Why hadn't Willow told her? Why had she waited so long to find her? There had been so many times in her life when she was needed someone by her side. Why hadn't Willow been there then? Maybe that wasn't fair. Maybe Willow didn't know about her until now. How had Willow found her now?

Did Willow really love her, Tara Lucas, or was she just a substitute like she'd asked Giles? Maybe Willow thought of her as just a vessel for the soul that she truly loved. Would Willow have loved her at all if she wasn't the reincarnation of Tara Maclay?

Then there were all the questions about herself. What kind of person had she been? You were supposed to learn from your past lives and become a better person, but what if she couldn't live up to the life that Tara Maclay had lived? Would Willow reject her when she realized that she wasn't that Tara?

She had so many questions, but Giles wasn't the person to answer them. While Willow held some of the answers, Tara knew that the most important place to look for the answers was within herself.

Giles observed the conflicting emotions running through Tara's face, wishing he could help her accept this but knowing that was something she had to do on her own. He could only be there for her to talk with and offer her his knowledge and experience.

Tara stood up, pushing away her chair. She had to get out of here and go someplace where she could think. Giles raised a hand as if to stop her and she shook her head, saying "No, I have to go."

He nodded, understanding though he wished she would stay. He was afraid she would go to Willow, and he didn't know how Willow would respond. It was clear that Willow hadn't told her about their shared past yet. "If you need to talk, I'll be here," he said earnestly, his eyes full of concern for her. "Be careful."

She pushed open the office door and fled the library without acknowledging his response, her pace increasing with every stride until she was running blindly away from the high school. If she could only run fast enough, she thought, she could somehow escape her thoughts, leaving them far behind where they couldn't trouble her.

She ran aimlessly through the town without stopping, letting the rhythmic sound of her tennis shoes slapping on the pavement drown out the thoughts in her head. Letting her feet guide her she found herself at the entrance of a familiar cemetery. She paused at the black iron gates for a moment then shrugged and walked inside, heading for the grave where she had first met Willow. Going to her grave.

Tara hadn't planned to come here, but her feet had brought her here seemingly of their own volition. She wasn't sure what she was afraid of as she walked up to the grave, keeping her gaze fixed on the earth by her feet. Perhaps it was that seeing that tombstone would make it all real.

Finally, she looked up towards the tombstone and read the inscription on it once more, taking in its significance for the first time as she read her first name and the date of death that matched the date of her birth. She noticed that there were fresh red roses at the foot of the tombstone and wondered if Willow had placed them there.

The flowers somehow made it more real than the tombstone alone would have. The tombstone was old and dead, a remnant of the past, but the roses were new and still living like her. She reached down and picked up a rose, bringing it up to her nose to inhale its scent. As she did so, she felt a thorn prick her finger and as she looked down she saw a single drop of her blood fall to the grave at her feet.

She was connected by more than blood to the young woman who lay buried here. In a way, they were one. Through her dreams, she shared some of her predecessor's experiences. They both had blonde hair and blue eyes, sharing the same crooked smile. They both had come to Sunnydale. And they both had fallen in love with Willow.

But that had ended so badly. Would it end that way for her too? Would they have to go through all the same tragedies and heartbreak again? Life had seemed so simple and joyful at breakfast this morning but even though it was not yet noon, her life felt more complicated than she could bear.

Hearing soft footsteps behind her she turned around, knowing that it was Willow, yet at the same time not knowing who she would see. Would it be the young girl who fell in love with her past self, or would it be the dark witch of Giles's story who had almost destroyed the world in her grief?

She turned and saw Willow still dressed in the cheery red long-sleeved shirt that she had worn this morning. It didn't seem right. She had almost expected to see the black-clad witch she had met in the graveyard that first night. Was this really the same person she had left at the bagel shop a few hours ago?

Were the lines on her face deeper, older than she had noticed this morning? Were those the same slender hands that had held her so tenderly or were they the hands that had shattered stone and crushed flesh? Did the darkness of her shadow trail further behind her than it should have?

Tara felt so lost as she looked at Willow, not knowing who she was herself much less who this person was that she thought she had known so well this morning. Her feelings evident in her eyes, she asked her first, most important question.

"Who am I?"

Continued...