Just Willow

by Kaz

Copyright © 2003

kardeb97@yahoo.com

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Except the plot. Joss owns the characters.
Distribution: Near Her Always /nha.magical-worlds.us/
The Mystic Muse /mysticmuse.net
Feedback: Yes please.
Spoilers: None.
Pairing: Just Willow

Who am I?

I used to know the answer to that question. I used to know a lot of things. Hell, I used to be a lot of things. Now I'm...just me.

I used to be the nerd Cordelia picked on. I'd let her pick on me, let her abuse me because at least someone was noticing me. My parents never noticed me. I was simply an adornment to their collection of prizes. The only times they paid attention was when they wanted to parade me in front of their colleagues. Or tried to kill me. Mom never did apologize for trying to burn me alive.

I used to be best friends with Xander and Jesse. Now Jesse's dead and Xander...well Xander is getting married. Not that that will end our friendship. Nothing can end our friendship, but things are different now. There's someone else in Xander's life who takes precedence over me. And I understand that. That's how it should be. Anya's good for him. They're good together. I don't know how they make it work, but they do. Maybe they'll be the one couple that does make it.

Then Buffy came along. I had a purpose, a goal. I was helping to save people. To make the world a better place. I was netgirl and a slayerette. We did so much. We saved the world time and again. The demons couldn't defeat us. It was wonderful. There was no evil that we couldn't stop! We were invulnerable. Until we weren't anymore. Until we went up against a goddess. But that came later. So for that brief time we were blissfully unaware of our own mortality, even though we faced death every day, even though Buffy died once. It wasn't real for us because we always managed to win in the end.

Then I was Oz's girlfriend. I remember being so proud of the fact that I was dating a musician. We could talk about anything. Nothing could faze him. No matter what had happened, he'd make it alright. Somehow, he could make things seem better. Well, except the fluking with Xander. I still wonder if some part of him deep down was getting back at me for kissing Xander when he slept with her. He says he wasn't but...you have to wonder, you know? And then he left. He was afraid he'd hurt me, but didn't he know that leaving me hurt me more than he ever could physically? And he didn't even tell me himself. He just sent for his things. I changed that day. My heart hardened a little bit.

But I went on. I was learning. I was discovering magic and becoming stronger with every day. Then I met her. Tara. Beautiful, sweet, wonderful Tara. And we were happy. So gloriously happy.

But it couldn't last, and that's my fault. First Glory drove her insane. I cared for her and tried to avenge her. I restored her eventually. But to do it, I had to go into dark magic. See? Even now I have trouble facing the fact that I was doing it. Black magic. There, I said it. I, Willow Rosenberg, was doing black magic so I could restore my girlfriend and save the world. Too bad it didn't stop there.

My own mortality was thrown in my face at seeing first Tara become mindless and then Buffy's death. I was scared. So I thought if I continued in the black magic I would be safe. It had saved us once, it would continue to do so, right? My friends and loved ones would be safe, if only I was powerful enough. No one would get hurt or killed because I would save them. And it was so much pressure. I was so afraid it wouldn't be enough. That I wouldn't be able to do it all.

So I decided to bring back Buffy. I didn't really examine my reasoning right then. I thought it was the right thing to do, after all she was suffering in a hell dimension like Angel had. Wasn't she? So I brought her back to save her. Now I realize it was because I was too scared to become the young mother of a teenaged girl, even with my girlfriend to help. I was too scared to face the forces of evil without the best friend who I could count on to pummel a demon into the ground. I wanted my friend back yes, but most of all I wanted the slayer back. The slayer who could conquer any evil, be it the demon variety or the teenage variety. Not that Dawn was any trouble. But I sensed that things wouldn't always go so smoothly. And I dreaded the inevitable confrontation. After all, how was I supposed to know how mothers were supposed to act toward their children? I had too little experience as the child to see "good" parenting. Was I supposed to let her sleep over at a friend's or should I make her friend sleep here? How was I supposed to know what to do? So I went for the easy solution. I brought back Buffy so I didn't have to make the decision.

I thought Buffy could fix anything. After all, no one had defeated her because even when she died, she still conquered Glory. And so for my selfish reasons, I tore my best friend out of heaven and brought her here to feel pain, sadness and heartache.

Tara and I grew closer when we were taking care of Dawn. We bonded over the fact that neither of us quite knew how to mother a teenaged girl. Even with the added stress of sudden motherhood, I was happier than I'd ever been. I thought Tara was happy too. Maybe she was. But she couldn't ignore it. I was doing too much magic. I don't know when she noticed. Perhaps she always noticed. She is very perceptive. She'd have known the spells I used against Glory were black magic.

She was afraid of me and my powers, that's what we fought about the day Glory took her mind. But even after she got better, I didn't listen to her warnings. After all, I knew better. I knew that I was doing things for her own good, for everyone's good. At least that's how I rationalized it. Because for some reason I couldn't stop using them. Not that I tried. I didn't want to try. After all, they made me powerful. They made me someone. I was a powerful Wiccan when I used those spells. I was important and needed.

And I used them on her and I drove her away. She left me when she found out. Not that I blame her, I deserved it. She couldn't trust me anymore. She tried to give me another chance and I threw it away. You can't have a relationship that isn't based on trust. It won't work. I don't deserve someone as wonderful as Tara. It's my own fault. And now I'm alone.

I'm not Oz's girlfriend. I'm not Tara's girlfriend. I'm not the powerful Wiccan. I'm not even a real netgirl nowadays. I'm not important. I'm just me. Just Willow.

I'm just not sure who Willow is anymore.

The End

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