Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Joss owns everything. Though I did write this internal monologue.
So I guess that's mine.
Distribution: Near Her Always
/nha.magical-worlds.us/
The Mystic Muse /mysticmuse.net
Feedback: I'd love it!
Spoilers: Season 6…I'd say through "Once More With Feeling".
Pairing: Willow/Tara
November 7th
How could she? How could she betray me like that? Why did she? Didn't she know ... didn't she understand that invading my mind is the one thing I won't, can't, forget?
Tara's mouth quirked in irony as she read what she had just written. No, she wouldn't, couldn't forget that Willow had erased her memories – without help from a certain red-headed witch that is. She winced as she examined the possibility of Willow using another spell on her to hide the fact that she had already tampered with Tara's memories once.
'She wouldn't do that, would she?' Tara asked herself silently. She looked over to where her girlfriend lay sleeping peacefully in their bed. In sleep, her face regained the look of innocence that had once shone throughout her. Lately though, the lust for power had dulled the shimmer of innocence until it was only a spark deep within the redhead. 'What happened? Why has she suddenly become power hungry? What did I do? Why didn't I stop it? Did making her the 'boss of us' push her into this?'
Tara bit her lip to keep the tears that had formed at her thoughts from spilling onto her cheeks. She clutched her pen tightly in her grasp as she turned her attention back to her journal. She wrote down her questions quickly, scrawling the words across the page. She stared at what she had written for a moment before closing her eyes against the hurt.
She thought over the good times she and Willow had shared. The long talks, the cuddling, the smoochies, watching the night sky, casting spells. Tara sighed. It all came back to that, casting spells. 'Does she really love me or am I just an easy way to get more power?' She choked back a sob at that thought before shaking her head angrily. 'No. She loves me. You can't fake what I've felt from her. She does love me. She does.'
Tara opened her eyes, seeing that tears blurred her vision. She wiped them away, childlike, with her sleeve before steeling herself for the decisions she would have to make.
So what do I do now? How can I make her understand how much erasing my memories has hurt and scarred me? Will she understand or will she think that I'm over-reacting since she didn't intend to hurt me. She has to understand that in magic and in life that actions have consequences, whether they are intended or not! You can't just play with someone's memories, picking and choosing what you want them to remember. At least you can't if you're fighting for good.
That's the problem now I think. Willow has blurred the line. Good and evil hasn't ever been black and white like a lot of people think. But she's getting a lot closer to the charcoal gray area than she should be if she wants to still help Buffy. And she's so good at justifying herself! 'We need to rescue Buffy from Hell'. Why didn't I say something? I should have known that it was a possibility Buffy wasn't in Hell. I should have insisted we do more research.
Tara sighed. Her feelings on the subject she was mentally discussing with herself were jumbled. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say until the words appeared on the page. Writing almost always helped her sort out her thoughts on something. Usually. Except this time it seemed it was just making her more confused.
I don't know. Part of me is relieved Buffy is back. I doubt we would have survived that night with the demon bikers without her. So it's good she's back. But, it's hurting her so much. And we caused that. It's our fault she's hurting. We have to take responsibility for our actions. Willow has to take responsibility for her actions too. She can't go on using power frivolously. She'll do something one day that will kill someone. She won't mean to, but it will happen. And then where will she be? What will she do? How will she feel?
Willow has had spells cast on her in the past. She told me about the time she was turned into a ghost at Halloween. Doesn't she remember how she felt? How helpless she felt at being subject to someone else's whim? Or has she forgotten? Has the power overcome those memories?
A flash of insight came to Tara just then.
No. She hasn't forgot. She remembers. She just thinks that since she's doing it to help others it doesn't count. That the ends justify the means. They don't.
With the free will of all and with harm to none, as I will it, so shall it be done.
That is the first thing I learned about Wicca. That you can't impose your will on someone else. Perhaps Willow never really understood that. After all, none of the bad guys they fought cared. And she never really had anyone to help teach her. It was mostly a self-teaching thing. So perhaps she doesn't understand how it feels, even if the other person means well. Maybe she should.
What if I was to cast a spell on her making her feel what the ...
Tara's eyes widened as she realized she had been about to write 'victims'. She swallowed hard. She had just realized that everyone, herself included, who had been affected by one of Willow's spells were indeed victims. Willow had never asked their permission or learned from her mistakes. Tara had heard all the stories of Willow's botched spells. She knew that Willow had been apologetic over their affects. But did she really understand the magnitude of what she had done?
Maybe I should ... no that wouldn't be right. Would it? Would casting a spell on Willow to share the feelings of those affected by her spell be wrong? Or would that just make me like her? After all, we both think we're helping. But magic is always the first option with her. And it isn't for me in this case. I've tried talking to her about it. Mr. Giles has tried talking to her. Even Xander tried to stop her before we brought Buffy back. But she won't listen to what we're trying to tell her. But ... if she can feel what others are feeling about what her spells do, then maybe she'll realize what she's doing. Maybe then she won't cast one that will truly hurt someone else. Maybe she'll stop to think before she casts.
Tara took a deep breath. Realizing that by putting these words on paper she was committing herself. But Willow's power was scaring her. She was using it too blithely. She was doing what was best for Willow, not for anyone else. She was abusing the power. And as both a Wiccan and a Scooby, Tara had a double obligation and responsibility to protect the innocent-even if it was against another Scooby or Wiccan. Even if it was against her own girlfriend.
I'm going to do it. I don't know how I can't. She's hurting people because the spells make it easier for her.
The tears flowed down Tara's face now, unchecked. She sniffed softly, freezing as she heard Willow mumble something in her sleep and turn over. After waiting a few moments to make sure Willow was deeply asleep again, Tara grabbed a tissue.
Oh Goddess, it hurts. I love her so much and what I'm going to do will hurt her. Will our relationship survive this? But I can't just let her continue to do this. I can't be selfish and do what is easiest for me. Not if it will hurt other people. And even if it does hurt Willow. And won't it help her in the long run? Or am I simply justifying my actions like she is justifying hers? And by not asking for her permission does that make me a hypocrite? Where's the line? For most of the spells she's cast she's been trying to help. But she took away my free will with that memory spell and by doing so she broke the Harm None Law. I can't let her do that again. I can't let it happen to me or anyone else. And if she did it once, why won't she do it again? But will feeling what others feel about her spells work? Will it eventually stop her from unrestrained casting?
By doing nothing I will be standing by while others are hurt. But if I do something I will be hurting the person I love more than anything.
And if this spell doesn't work, I'll have to do figure out something else. Please Goddess, let it work. I don't want to hurt her any more than this already will. Please give me a sign that what I'm doing is right. That it's something that needs to be done.
A feeling of calmness and warmth overcame her. Tara closed her eyes and bathed in the feeling of the Goddess' approval. Nodding her head sharply, she put down her journal. Making her way to the magic supplies she picked up her mother's spell book and flipped to the right page. She gathered what she needed from the magic supplies and laid out the implements needed for the spell.
'No matter how much this hurts me, I have to do it. I'm the only one who can stop Willow from hurting people. From hurting her friends. From hurting me. And from hurting herself.'
The End
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