The Letting Go

by The Rainbow Writers

Copyright © 2003

rainbowwriters@hotmail.com

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Willow, Tara, Faith, Giles, Dawn and all other characters who have appeared in the syndicated series Buffy The Vampire Slayer, together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of Joss Whedon, Fox and Mutant Enemy. No copyright infringement was intended in the writing of this fan fiction. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the authors. This story cannot be sold or used for profit in any way. Please contact the authors for permission to reproduce this story on any other fanfiction site.
Distribution: The Rainbow Writer's Homepage: /members.tripod.com/rainbowwriters/
Mystic Muse: /mysticmuse.net
Feedback: All feedback is welcome.
Author's Note: This story is set a little over eight years from the current time place of the series in season five, (with the premise that Glory has been defeated, without the loss of any of the gang or any severe trauma to them i.e. Tough Love didn't happen in this storyline). It is a severely traumatic story, which has come about in an attempt to deal with the topic of loss and the variety of emotional responses that evolve from these life-changing experiences.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

Epilogue

Willow stood limply in front of the full-length mirror, blindly looking over her long flowing navy shirt and matching blazer. The soft white silk shirt she had placed beneath it sat low on her pale throat.

"I can't wear this, I look grown up." Willow turned, shedding the coat. "I was never grown up to Giles. He still gave me the cookies with the jam in them." She bit her lip and started going through the closet again.

"There's the red. Mr. Giles so liked the red." Tara's voice was soft as she watched her lover scurry about.

"The red." Willow turned to her lover, sniffling. "Yeah, he did like the red." She reached back pulling the long cotton dress off the hanger. "Is red too happy though?" She faltered again. "Cause I don't feel happy."

Tara shook her head and ran her hand over the thick dark green velvet that hung over her own hips and down to the floor. Slowly she approached the redhead.

"I can't believe he's gone." Willow stood there clutching the dress in her hands.

"I know, sweetie. I know." Tara reached up and pushed a finger through Willow's hair, tucking it behind her ear. "And red means love, not happy." She closed the other hand over one of Willow's on the dress.

"Oh." Willow sniffled again. "I have to get ready, don't I? The car's coming."

"We do have to be ready, yes. But don't worry, you'll be ready in time." Tara brushed her hand over red hair again.

"I'm so glad you're here." Willow's voice was scratchy and thick as she looked into her lover's eyes.

"I couldn't be anywhere else." Gently the blonde cupped Willow's cheeks and she lightly pressed her lips against her lover's.

"I love you." The redhead whispered softly when their lips parted.

"Do you have to wear the tie with the Snoopy on it?" Anya folded her arms over her chest and watched as Xander shrugged on the jacket of his dark suit.

"Yeah, its fine." He gave her a sad smile. "Lewis can wear his matching one." He looked down at the sleeping child in the carrier.

"But are they appropriate?" Anya questioned.

"An, it doesn't matter what we wear." He moved over and put his hands on her shoulders. "It just matters that we're here."

"We have to look nice. Giles always looked so – nice." Anya's voice wavered.

"You look nice. Very nice." He nodded at her simple black dress. "Doesn't she look nice, Joydrop?"

"Very nice." The young girl nodded as she looked up from her perch on the white bed. She carefully continued to braid the hair of the doll that sat on her lap. "And I like Daddy's snoopy tie." She added, smiling at her father.

Faith tapped lightly on the open door and swung it open a little as she watched the small family getting ready.

"Just so you know, the cars are here." She kept her voice even and quiet.

"I think we're ready. Xander?" Anya checked.

"Yeah, we'll be right down." Xander nodded to the dark Slayer, trying not to react to the fact that she wasn't in her normal leather and metal assembles. She wore a simple black silk shirt and long black skirt.

"Do you need help with the kids?" She asked softly.

"We got everything covered here, thanks Faith." Xander nodded with a serious smile.

"Are Willow and Tara down yet?" Anya moved to the bed and helped her daughter jump down.

"No, I was just going to tell them." Faith looked at Anya and her daughter. "And get Dawn and Jack from the backyard." She turned and slowly made her way down the hall. The door to Willow and Tara's room was closed and she reached up, knocking on it lightly.

"Are they here?" Tara pulled the door open and whispered the question.

"Out front." Faith nodded. "I told the drivers we'd need a few minutes."

"Thank you." Tara reached out and squeezed Faith's mid-arm lightly. "We'll be down in a moment."

Faith nodded and retraced her steps back down the stairs through the kitchen to the back door. Walking out onto the porch, she wrapped her arms around her body.

"Dawn?" She called down the garden to the two figures that had their backs to her.

"I'm not going." Dawn's voice drifted back to her though neither woman moved.

"Okay. We'll be leaving in a few minutes then." Faith didn't argue, she couldn't find the heart to put up an argument. The fact was she didn't want to go either; she didn't want any of this to be necessary. It should be her going into the ground today, not the Watcher, and if it were she then there wouldn't have been all this fuss.

Despite it all, something was keeping her here. Something was telling her that she had to do this and for some reason she was listening. Opening the door, she stepped back into the house.

"Sunny, are you sure?" Jack asked softly.

"Am I sure I don't want to see another of my best friends, another of my family put into the ground?" Dawn replied, her voice thick though not a single tear spilled over her sad eyes.

"Baby, you don't have to go." The taller girl tried to soothe.

"They lied to me Jack, all of them, they knew this wasn't going to end with all of them alive." Dawn shook her head and blinked at her lover.

"Dawn, they lied because they couldn't admit the truth. Even to themselves." Jack swallowed hard.

"I don't want Giles to be dead." Dawn's voice sounded suddenly small.

"I don't either, baby." Jack frowned.

"But it's over, isn't it?" Dawn's focus suddenly changed slightly.

"Yes. She can't hurt anyone anymore." Jack nodded. "Giles saw to that."

"Let's go." Dawn slid her hand into Jack's.

"Sunny, are you sure?" She asked again, a little thrown by the quick change.

"A hero needs a hero's send off." The brunette nodded as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"A hero does." Jack whispered, squeezing her lover's hand and leading her back to the house.

Faith had watched it all. The familiar sights of Sunnydale going by the limo window slowly as they made their way to the cemetery. The sad sentry that Buffy's tombstone held next to the newly dug grave that was open for the Watcher was heartbreaking.

The Watcher himself, as always, had already arrived and waited for them patiently. The steel of his casket shimmering in the bright sunlight of the crisp day. A large spray of white roses covered over the metal.

The interment itself had been simple. Willow and Tara had performed a Wiccan ceremony. Dawn had cried while Jack held her. Xander even had walked away for a moment teary eyed. Then slowly and without much affair the casket had been lowered into the ground.

"We should let them finish." Faith looked up catching eyes with the funeral director that was off to the side. She addressed her words to everyone and no one at the same time.

"There are refreshments, at the house." Anya added, also looking around at the saddened crowd.

"Sunny, you ready?" Jack softly questioned the slim figure in her arms.

Dawn nodded into Jack's chest, and together they moved away back to the waiting car. Anya took her daughter's hand and picked up the carrier, moving off after Jack and Dawn.

"I can't believe..." Willow stood at the edge of the whole looking down. "After all we've been through..."

Faith closed her eyes and took a few steps back away.

"I know, Will." Xander's voice came from the redhead shoulder as he moved up close to her and put his arm around her waist.

"Now I know why you never wanted to grow up." Willow slipped her arm back around him.

"Life teaches us some pretty hard lessons, Will." Xander looked down at the deep brown earth.

"I wish they didn't always include someone dying." She leaned her head against his shoulder. Xander squeezed her tighter.

"Faith." Tara whispered as she took short steps through the even shorter grass to put her even with the retreating Slayer.

"Hey." Faith turned her face into the wind, looking at the blonde.

"I..." She began but didn't finish as she moved closer and without asking she leant herself against the dark Slayer's body.

"It's funny isn't it." Faith's arms melted around the blonde without thinking as she looked down at the blonde Slayer's headstone. "But after seeing her in the shop, I just can't think of her as being here."

"Yes, it is funny." Tara agreed.

"How are you doing?" Faith switched focus, the question soft and worried.

"I'm not." Tara replied "I should have…"

"He didn't give us a choice." Faith shook her head. "Tara, it was supposed to be me. He pulled a switch at the last minute." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"I can't hear that." Tara shook her head.

Faith just nodded and held the blonde a bit tighter for a second. Tara gently pulled away for a moment.

"You should get Red home." She instructed.

"I asked Xander to take her." She glanced over at her lover who still stood by the grave, leaning heavily on her best friend.

"Why?" Faith questioned looking at the sad pair.

"Because I didn't want her to see me cry." Tara suddenly burst into a fresh round of tears. Faith felt her heart break as she hugged the blonde again. "I should have come here before." She fought to try and breathe, trying to closet away everything she felt as she clung to the dark Slayer.

"Tara, you were doing exactly what Buffy would have wanted you to do." Faith rubbed her hand over the blonde's coat. "Taking care of Willow." She smiled. "I mean, come on. First rule of Buffy, take care of Willow." Her smile broke a bit broader. "Sometimes I wondered if Buffy didn't have a thing for Red." She tried to make Tara smile.

"Are you trying to make me laugh?" Tara looked up blinking her large blue eyes.

"Well, that was the idea." Faith held her eyes. "And maybe I figured she'd do that ray of light thing and kick my butt for suggesting the idea." Her smiled shaded a little sadder.

"Mind taking an ex-girlfriend on a walk?" Tara slipped her hand into Faith's.

"Of course not." Faith looped her fingers into the blonde's.

"Thank you." Slowly the blonde led them away.

"Where do you want to go?" Faith didn't really focus on anything as they moved through rows of tombstones.

"I don't know if I am focused enough to have a goal in mind." Tara admitted.

"I think we can all be goal-less for awhile." The dark Slayer admitted.

"What are you going to do, Faith?" Tara asked, leaning slightly against the Slayer as they walked.

"I'm going to help rebuild the shop." Faith slipped her arm around the blonde. "Going to clean up the last of Bitchface's minions." She took a deep breath. "And I don't know." She rubbed Tara's shoulder. "What are you going to do?"

"Stay with Willow." Tara's answer came instantly.

"Good." Faith nodded. "You two have a shop to run." She smiled softly.

"I don't think we have." Tara shook her head.

"I know we haven't found his will yet, but you know he left it to Red. Which means you and Willow." Faith shrugged off the logistics. "Either way it stays in the family."

"You have a place in this family. You know that, don't you?" The blonde questioned.

"I'm the black sheep." The dark Slayer admitted.

"No you're not, you're more like the prodigal son – daughter." She corrected herself.

"Time for me to come back home, is it?" Faith questioned the reference.

"You belong here, Faith." Tara pulled her to a stop. "You've run too hard, to fast, too far. We both have."

"I almost left last night." Faith admitted, turning to the Wicca. "But Buffy's words keep running over and over in my head."

"What did she mean?" Tara asked quietly. "You know, don't you?" She had been waiting to call the dark Slayer on this.

"I think I know, but I'm hoping I'm wrong." Faith swallowed hard.

"And that's the answer I'm going to get?" Tara pushed softly.

"Tara, I know we haven't had a lot of time to sit and think about this since it happened." Faith looked over to the cars and then back. "But did you see Jacqui?"

"At the shop?"

"At the shop, over the last weeks." Faith hoped someone else could see.

"She's an amazing young woman." Tara took a slight breath.

"A little too amazing." Faith closed her eyes for a moment. "Giles and I think..." She opened them to look into sad blue. "She's the next slayer."

"Goddess." The blonde's voice may have flinched but her loving gaze didn't.

"It's like Buffy's death activated her partially, but she's not full strength yet. Which has more freak out factor than if she was already full strength." Faith breathed heavy.

"Didn't Giles ask the Council?" Tara checked the obvious.

"He was trying to find out as much as he could without calling them." Faith admitted. "He figured if they had no idea about her yet – why give them the chance to fuck with her." She shook her head. "It's like she's super slayer. He thought it might have something to do with the new millennium."

"Didn't he even contact Janice?" Tara frowned softly, trying to think of all the repercussions that this would have for everyone.

"Who's Janice?" Faith questioned. "He's got some books coming from someone but I don't know who."

"Probably her, she was one of the Council members who came here years ago." Tara replied. "She left the Council, soon after."

"Well, we're going to need all the help we can get." Faith nodded. "Cause the world hasn't seen anything like Jacqui before."

"Maybe but if she is the next slayer, she has the best teacher she could hope for right here." Tara pointed out.

"I don't see how I'm a good teacher for anything." Faith smiled back.

"You could teach her about lots of things: loyalty, love, faith." She grinned.

"We'll see." Faith promised what she could. "The first thing I have to do is get answers for her. She doesn't even realize what has happened to her."

"She doesn't know, not anything?" Tara's voice was mildly horrified.

"She's thrown by the extra sensitivity and her speed and strength." Faith admitted. "I think once she analyzes what happened with Anezka she going to have some hard questions."

"Let's hope we have some answers before then." Tara said genuinely.

"So do I." Faith nodded. "Is this your subtle way of asking me to stay?" She looked into blue eyes.

"Would it make a difference if I gave you my heart melting smile and said Faith, please stay?"

The blonde questioned.

"Yeah, so I can whine how I didn't have a chance to say no." Faith smiled.

"You'll whine anyway." Tara looped her arm back through Faith's. "Lets get back to the cars, Anya made sandwiches." She encouraged gently.

Tara walked up the street, shaking her hair back a little. It was strange but she hadn't felt this good for a while, even after all that had happened. She had left Willow at Giles' apartment with Jack and Dawn, so she could bring lunch to the dark Slayer and Xander who were working on the shop. Anya had left that morning to go home with the two children but Xander had wanted to stay on, insisting he do the joinery work on the store. She smiled as the sound of sawing and hammering and loud music filled the air.

"Christ, if Jack's head was any harder we'd have had to lay new floor." Faith laughed as she bolted in the large central pillar for the new bookcases.

"Hey people!" Tara called as she walked passed the open window that still had no glass.

"Hey Tara!" Xander looked up and winked at her. Faith looked up and sounded off a loud wolf whistle for the blonde, who was dressed in a long slinky tie-dye dress.

"Didn't you learn how to cat call?" Faith gave Xander a disappointed look.

"Use the door, the door!" Xander shook his head, excited when Tara pushed it open and the ring of a small bell sounded. She gave a bright smile to the workers.

"Please excuse the chaos but notice the bell." Faith laughed as she forced another screw in.

"It's looking great." Tara appraised the controlled chaos.

"It's getting there." Xander measured the level on a shelf he was working on.

"It's great." Tara stressed. "I have lunch for the workers." She held up two compact lunch pails.

"How's it going at the townhouse?" Faith put down her drill and wiped the sweat from her forehead, she reached out for one of the pails smiling.

"You know Mr. Giles, papers everywhere, but everything clearly catalogued." Tara replied.

"We'll make extra room for stuff that can move here." Xander moved over to take his lunch. "I was thinking about another layer of shelves in the off limits area." He pointed up past the warped and buckled stairs.

"Mmmm." Tara made a non-committal noise and looked at Faith. "Could I have a quick word?" She asked softly.

"Yeah of course." Faith took the cold Pepsi out of her pail and motioned Tara outside.

"You have a smudge on your nose." Tara gave a sideways smile and rubbed at the Slayer's face.

"That what you called me out for?" Faith laughed as she was cleaned up. Tara laughed and shook her head.

"I called you out." She reached into her purse. "To give you this."

"What is it?" Faith took the folded wad of papers.

"They're pretty self explanatory." Tara pointed to the top tapping lightly with her fingertip. Faith took a gulp of pop as she followed Tara's fingers seeing the title.

'Last Will and Testament of Mr. Rupert Giles.'

"You found it." She stated rather stupidly and Tara nodded. "So it's all sorted?"

"Well no, not really." Tara continued. "Can we sit?"

"Why?" Faith questioned, moving over to the bench nearby.

"Because we need you to sign a few things." Tara sat down neatly resting her purse in her lap.

"Why would I have to sign anything?" The dark Slayer eyed her suspiciously.

"Faith, I didn't pass you that for you to hold it. If you look you'll see that the will was changed, and the changes accepted by solicitor a full…" Tara pointed. "Nine days before he died."

"Nine days?" Faith finally looked down flipping the paper over. "What the hell!" She read slowly down. "This says he left it to me." She shook her head.

"He did." Tara agreed.

"It should be Willow's or Dawn's, or yours. Not mine." The dark Slayer looked slightly scared. "What the hell am I going to do with a magic shop?"

"Sign the books every month. This place is so established, it doesn't need much more than that." Tara shrugged.

"I know he's dead but now I'm just pissed at him." Faith stood up. "He was planning this all along, stringing me into it."

"There's more, Faith." Tara called to her back.

"What?" She turned back. "I found this." She stressed the first word. Faith looked at the small package in her hand. "I managed to slip out with it." She held it out.

"What does it say?" Faith's fingers worked quickly to open the envelope.

"It's your name on the envelope Faith, not mine. Shall I leave?" The blonde questioned.

"No." Faith sat down turning open a handwritten letter first.

"Dear Faith..." She read the letter softly to the blonde as she read it herself.

"Smart ass." Faith commented, not being able to suppress a smile.

The blonde had to look away briefly.

"He's eerie sometimes." Faith looked briefly at the blonde.

Faith's words stopped for a second before she kept going.

Faith rolled her eyes as she read.

"Well since I have a choice." Faith muttered.

Tara slipped her hand into Faith's and squeezed it lightly.

Faith squeezed Tara's hand tighter as she read on.

"I'll give it a try." Faith took a breath as she folded the note and tucked it into her pocket. She kept her hand in her pocket over the note, her head bent down for a moment. "Me a watcher? Has he lost his limey mind?" Tara chuckled softly from her place beside her.

"Buffy told you that you should stay." She rubbed her hand on the Slayer's dirty overalls.

"A slayer to train a slayer." Faith nodded. "The new way." She laughed softly." It should have been Buffy." For the first time the dark slayer's voice went thick and struggled.

"Don't Faith, for once, don't." Tara said gently her voice a soft loving purr. "You're the right Slayer for the job."

"Looks like I'm staying." Faith turned her face to look at the blonde.

"Good." Tara smiled broadly.

"My first official decision as watcher." Faith took a deep breath." I think we need to know more before we tell Jack."

"I support your decision, Miss Faith." Tara smiled.

"Don't even dare." Faith laughed with a genuine smile. Taking a light breath Tara pushed up from the bench.

"If we're talking about new starts, Faith." She stopped and turned and looked at Faith. Faith watched her carefully. "I need to say something, do something." Slowly and carefully Tara leant forward and kissed Faith's cheek. "Thank you." She whispered before pulling back.

"Tara?" Faith watched her.

"I could be wrong in what I'm thinking, what I have been thinking for some time. And if I am, I'm sorry." The blonde explained. "And I wasn't ever going to tell you any of this." She held her purse to her shoulder. "But it's time to let go of the past. So again I say thank you Faith." She blinked hr blue eyes. "For Sophie." She whispered.

"She had to pay." Faith whispered softly as her mind caught up with what Tara was saying. Tara shook her head and raised a shaking finger to her Slayer's lips.

"I don't want to know how, when, or why Faith." Her bottom lip trembled and she shook her blonde hair. "Just thank you. No one, no one, has ever loved me that much." She pulled her finger back as tears spilled down her cheeks.

"Willow does." Faith whispered when the finger left her lips.

"Yes Willow does, but Willow wasn't there. You were." Tara took a staggered breath.

"I'd do it again." Faith vowed. "But we got better things to worry about now." She stood up with the blonde and cupped her cheek.

"The future." Tara's lips curled into a left-sided smile.

"Future." Faith nodded. "And us all letting go of the past."

"Of the past and all the pain it causes us." Tara agreed, hugging the Slayer close. "It's time for letting go."

The End