Working Through the Pain

by SithLordWiccan

Copyright © 2006

decepticons_4_ever@hotmail.com

Rating: R
Disclaimer: "Buffy characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No money is being made off of this, and anyone who attempts to do so will be hunted down and beaten to death with great anger and furious vengeance. Believe me folks. This is one issue where you don't want to piss me off.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse: /mysticmuse.net
Feedback: Unlike most of my other fics, this is one I would greatly appreciate getting feedback for. This fic is my way of working out some very troublesome psychological issues that I've been having, so it would give me some pleasure to know that someone read this and liked it.
Spoilers: None.
Pairing: Willow/Tara

"Mommy?"

Tara turned from the kitchen counter upon which she was resting to look at her six year old daughter. Little Amber was the pride and joy of the life she and Willow had built together. Adopting the little tyke soon after they had gotten married was one of the happiest days of their lives.

Well, not nearly as happy as their actual wedding day. Tara looked back on that day now with happiness. With the legalization of gay marriage six months ago, the pair had been the first to register to marry. She smiled as she recalled what Willow had said when they heard that gay marriage was going to become legal.

"Yes, Amber?"

"Are you OK, Mommy?"

Getting down on her hands and knees, Tara took Amber's face into her hands, trying not to break down in front of their child. The child's face reminded her so much of her wife's, making it somewhat difficult to keep herself under control. "Yes, Amber. I'm fine."

Tilting her head, Amber replied, "You're lying, Mommy."

The abruptness of the statement caught Tara off guard, and she worked hard to maintain her composure. She would not break down. Not in front of Amber. Not about this. It had been only four days since it happened, but Amber, being the bright child that she was, immediately knew that something was wrong. But Tara would not allow the situation to affect the child. Aside from the fact that the blonde was unsure that Amber would understand what was going on, she didn't want their child to think about things that she couldn't do anything about. Tara had tried to compensate by making things as normal as possible, but the emotional wall she had built up in order to accomplish that began crumbling immediately.

A single tear rolled down Tara's cheek. She knew exactly how painful it must be for Willow right now. Even in her mid thirties, she continued to carry the emotional scars from her own situation. The blonde's life had not always been the happy one it was now. Her family had abused her, both emotionally and physically, ever since she was a teenager. It got worse after her mother died. As the only other female in the family, she was the only one Tara felt connected to. When she died, Tara's felt as if she had lost a vital part of her being, and the feelings of loneliness that she had since she was thirteen deepened even further. It had eventually reached the point where the blonde spent countless nights wondering if she could ever be happy again.

When she met Willow, things had begun to change. The redhead provided Tara the emotional anchor that she needed in order to finally break through the vicious cycle she had found herself trapped in by her own family. And their subsequent friendship, feelings of love and courtship had been the stuff of fairy tales.

But then…

Tara couldn't think about it, and looked for a source of happiness on which she could focus on. She found it by looking once again at Amber. Although she was a product of an orphanage and not their physical union, the child nevertheless resembled them both. Her eyes were like Tara's, a deep blue that shone with the sparkling crystal clarity of fine china, while her hair was a fiery red, done up in a ponytail as Willow had done when she and her wife went out on dinner dates.

Forcing her grief back into her stomach, Tara said, "You're right, Amber. Mommy's lying. Mommy's worried about her wife. Mommy's wondering if anything will ever be the same."

She sniffled as she felt a weight against her chest as Amber wrapped her arms around her in a fierce hug. Tara returned the hug, grateful that, despite everything, Amber had not lost her cheery optimism and glad that the hug gave her some reassurance about her situation, no matter how slight.

"Momma's going to be OK, Mommy," Amber said. "Momma has Mommy to take care of her and make her feel wanted. Mommy will make Momma feel better. I just know it."

Tara felt a smile spread across her face as she hugged Amber once more. Ever since they had adopted her, Amber had always been confused as to why her parents were two women. Unlike some, though, she quickly became accustomed to it. She had even taken to calling Tara "Mommy" and Willow "Momma" in order to tell them apart, which led to some pretty interesting situations when she would say that "But Mommy, Momma told me that I could do it."

The whistle of the tea kettle caught her attention then. Getting to her feet, she went over to take the pot off the element, pouring the liquid into the coffee cup sitting beside the microwave, two tea bags resting inside it.

"Is that for Momma, Mommy?"

Tara nodded. "Yes, Amber. Momma needs something to drink. She asked me if I could get it."

Amber walked over to tug at Tara's shirt. Looking down, she saw the bright blue of her eyes twinkling in the room's light. "Mommy, can we take Momma somewhere tomorrow? Maybe Momma would feel better if we all spent the day together."

Tara looked down at her daughter, a pained expression on her face. She knew that Amber was only trying to be nice, but she didn't understand what Willow was going through. Contact with other people out in the open was the last thing that Willow needed. She didn't want to upset the child, but the blonde knew that she had to let Amber know how much of a bad idea that was. "I don't think Momma will be able to go anywhere for a while, Amber. She's…not feeling well. Momma needs to rest."

Tara knew that there were children who would pout and cry when they did not get their way. Luckily, Amber was not one of them. It was her special gift to know how to please both her parents. "If Momma is really not feeling well, then I can go stay with Alison tomorrow. That way, you and Momma can be all alone without having to worry about me."

It pained Tara to hear that. Not that Amber's good intentions were unwarranted, Goddess no. But to Tara, it sounded as if her daughter was an irritant to her parents in their current situation. The blonde had to make her daughter know differently.

Getting to her knees once more, Tara looked Amber straight in the eye. "Amber, listen to me. You are many things to your Mommies, but a bother is not one of them. Momma needs your strength now more than she ever has before."

"I know, Mommy," Amber replied. "But I'm not asking because I think I am a bother. I'm asking because I know you want to make Momma feel better and have some time alone with her. And I think that it would be better if I wasn't here. Momma knows I love her, but she also knows you love her more. And I think that if Momma needs to feel better, there's no one who can do it better than her Amazon."

"What?"

"Her Amazon. You know. You always tell Momma when she feels upset that she needs to be strong like an Amazon. Momma needs her Amazon right now."

Tara bit her lower lip, fighting the urge to cry. Amber was only six years old, but she had the emotional maturity of a full grown woman. Most other kids her age wouldn't put their parent's wants and desires before their own. But on some level, Amber knew that her parents needed to be together right now. Tara wondered, somewhat absently, if she would have been the same at Amber's age if her family life had been better.

Getting up, she reached for the coffee cup. "Mommy has to go see Momma now, Amber. Promise me you'll keep the noise level down."

"I promise, Mommy," Amber said sincerely. "Now go be Momma's Amazon."

As Amber turned to leave the room, Tara's face brightened. The young girl was becoming more and more like her wife every day.

Walking down the hallway to the room she shared with Willow, coffee cup in hand, Tara thought once more about the situation her red haired goddess had found herself in. It made Tara sick to know that there were people in this world who could be so despicable as to do what they had done to her Willow. What made the situation worse was how she had heard about it. As an intern at the local television station, she had to hear about it as it was being broadcast on the evening news.

She had rushed from the building the second she heard about it, not caring whether or not she would be going back there the next day. All that mattered to her was that she had to get to the hospital as quickly as possible. She considered herself lucky that she hadn't been responsible for any major traffic accidents that night.

Tara had arrived at the hospital to find that Willow was in stable condition physically, though emotionally, she was a wreck. With her other friends out of town, no one had been with her until Tara arrived. The blonde felt sad that Willow had been left all alone for as long as she had.

"If there was only some way I could have found out sooner," she thought at the time. The blonde quickly realized that sort of self defeating thinking was pointless. Whether it had been six minutes or six weeks, Tara would have felt just as guilty about Willow being all by herself.

She stayed at Willow's side for the next two days, only leaving when she had to use the washroom which, quite thankfully, was not far from the room. On the third day, the doctor discharged the redhead from the hospital, giving Tara a list of medications that Willow would need in order to feel better and start getting herself back together, a list the blonde had promptly thrown away the minute the pair stepped outside.

"The only thing my Willow needs is me," she thought.

Now, as she moved to enter their bedroom, Tara found her hand stilled mere inches from the doorknob. She wanted to prepare herself for what awaited her inside, but after the past ninety four hours, she realized that there was no amount of preparation in the world that could make her feel any less shocked about seeing her wife in her current condition. Clasping the doorknob, Tara opened the door and stepped inside.

The room was dark, the only light coming from the windows. And even that was dulled by the closed drapes. The room had an eerie feel, almost as if the person inside it did not wish contact with the outside world. Tara found herself shivering at the thought. Willow was normally such a bright and upbeat person. Would what had happened to her change her life forever?

Tara turned to the bed, seeing Willow sitting on the bed, arms hugging her legs close to her chest and twitching uncontrollably. One look at the redhead's face nearly brought the blonde to tears. The normally cheery face was now streaked with sadness and depression, her green eyes clouded over with worry and fear.

Willow's head snapped around as she became aware of the sudden intrusion into her personal space. "Tara? Is that you?"

The question was haunted, disconcerting. And not at all like something the Willow she had known before would say. Tara moved toward her, stepping slowly so she would not startle her wife. The redhead had been through a lot lately, and Tara did not want to have to add her supposed clumsiness to Willow's already overworked nervousness.

"Here you go, Sweetie."

Tara handed Willow the cup, which the redhead took after a few moments of hesitation. Drinking from it, she looked into Tara's eyes, seeing the anguish and pain that the blonde tried to keep hidden.

"Is…Is Amber OK?"

"She's fine," Tara replied, her voice quivering. She fought to keep herself under control. She did not break down in front of Amber, and she most certainly would not break down in front of Willow, who had enough problems in her life without adding an emotionally unstable Tara to the mix.

Hand shaking, Willow put the cup down on the nightstand and slowly moved to wrap her arms around Tara, giving the blonde a gentle hug. Tara gladly accepted the warmth and affection she had been worried the redhead would never be able to express again, never once thinking to say anything about it.

Willow needed someone in her life to provide her with comfort and affection in her time of need. Tara was that person. They had been through so much together; surely they would find a way to get through this.

Somehow.

The End

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