Title: Snips and Snails and Puppy Dog Tails
Author: Gileswench

Rating: FRAO
Pairing: Buffy/Giles
Category: Romance, Humor, Angst, Smut
Spoilers: Anything through the end of Season five is fair game. Set after the beginning of season six, but with no specific spoilers.
Summary: When Buffy finds herself with a six year old Giles on her hands, discoveries are made and relationships change.
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss, Mutant Enemy, etc., etc., etc. I just let them have all the fun Joss won't. I own nothing except my twisted mind which you really don't want. Please don't sue.
Dedication: To Rari Coss who has been such a help, and such a delight

"Hallo, Ripper. Long time, no see."

Giles rolled his eyes. It was so like Ethan to communicate entirely in worn out clichés. He turned to face his one-time friend.

"What are you doing here? And how quickly can I be rid of you?"

Ethan drew himself up in mock surprise.

"Is that any way to greet an old mate?"

"No. It is, however, the only rational way to greet you."

"You wound me to the core, Ripper."

"Good."

"But I rise above these petty insults," the sorcerer assured Giles with an oily grin. "I'm here to do you a favor."

"Ah yes, a favor. Of course. Would this one be anything like the last one? You remember; the time you turned me into a Fyarl demon and almost got Buffy to kill me. Thank you, but I think I'll pass on being your entertainment this time."

"Too late," Ethan laughed. "I'm already amused just watching you fume. What happened to you, Ripper? You used to be so much fun once upon a time."

Giles glared sourly over the rims of his glasses.

"I grew up, Ethan. Something you might try one day. Now if you'll kindly remove yourself from my flat, I have a shop to open."

Ethan reluctantly allowed himself to be ushered out the front door. He watched Giles retreat to the curbside and fold his long frame into the little red convertible.

"The problem with you, mate, is you grew up too bloody much."

A slow smile spread across his features.

"Maybe I can do something about that, and upset your little Slayer into the bargain."

He turned and re-entered the flat, shaking his head briefly at the fact that Giles still indulged in the dangerous habit of leaving his door unlocked after all this time. Still, it made things easier, and if there was one thing Ethan appreciated, it was things being made easier for him.

A brief inspection quickly revealed where Giles kept his magic supplies. Ethan found everything he needed right to hand. He rolled up the carpet, drew a pentagram on the floor, knelt within it, and checked his watch. Best give Ripper a few more minutes. It wouldn't do to have the spell take effect while he was behind the wheel of a car. After all, mischief was the aim this time rather than destruction. A little shake up for Giles and his pretty Slayer.

*********

Anya and Xander walked hand in hand as he brought her to work. They were discussing plans for their impending wedding. It was not going well.

"An, trust me. You don't want my parents to have anything to do with this. They're drunks and they hate me. If we ask them to hold the rehearsal dinner, we'll end up with a can of cocktail weenies and a choice of cheap beer or peppermint schnapps for the masses."

"But they're supposed to do this, Xander. The magazine said."

"The magazine never met my Mom and Dad. Trust me, if they had there would be a note saying: 'Ignore this if you are marrying Xander Harris. His parents are incapable of hosting a party you want to attend.' Maybe we just shouldn't have a rehearsal dinner."

"I have a better idea," Anya said. "Let's ask Giles to do it. It would be an honor for him."

"Okay, An, we've already honored him with giving the bride away, hosting the reception, and giving you a bridal shower. Any more honors and the man's gonna go broke."

"That's ridiculous. The shop is doing very well. Giles has plenty of money. Besides, he's pretty much the only adult we know who likes us."

The girl peered around the shop as she put her purse in its hiding place behind the counter.

"That's funny. I don't see Giles."

Xander shrugged.

"Maybe he's in the back room. I'll check."

Xander stuck his head in the training room.

"Hey Giles? You in there? Giles?"

There was no answer.

Anya frowned.

"Giles should be here. Where is he?"

"Maybe he's in the bathroom. Time and nature wait for no employee, y'know."

"Then why doesn't he answer? We've called his name several times."

"You know how repressed Giles is. He probably doesn't want to say he's taking a whizz."

"Don't be ridiculous, Xander. He's been in there far too long to be urinating. Besides, he would take his clothes with him if he was going to the bathroom."

She held up the jacket and pants of Giles' familiar pinstripe suit.

Xander swallowed hard.

"I think we'd better call Buffy."

"Yes. We have to call Buffy right away," Anya agreed as she held up a pair of bright red briefs. "I won our bet. Giles doesn't wear boxers."

A brief shudder was the only sign that Xander had heard his fiancee as he moved to the phone to call Buffy. He then called in sick to work. He was about to dial Willow's number when a small noise from the loft drew his attention.

He began to move to the ladder, but Anya held him back.

"Wait! We should wait for Buffy. It might be something that ate Giles right out of his clothes and is waiting for another snack. Buffy will be here in a minute. She can kill it then."

A tiny, frightened whimper was heard from above.

"That doesn't sound like a demon, An. That sounds like a kid."

He disengaged Anya's hand from his arm and headed cautiously up the ladder.

"Be careful, Xander," Anya whispered. "It could be a demon pretending to be a kid. Don't let it eat you up."

When he reached the point where he could see the room, Xander stopped and scanned the area. At last he saw a small figure trying to hide itself behind a bookshelf. The young man finished his climb and moved cautiously to a spot a few feet from the cowering child.

"It's okay, buddy. I won't hurt you. What's your name? Do you live around here?"

The boy shook his head violently.

"Not from these parts, huh?" Xander mused. "Can you tell me your name? If you tell me that, maybe we can find out where your parents are."

"I mustn't talk to strangers," the boy whispered. "Mummy said."

"Okay, so far I know you're English. That's a start. Tell you what, little guy, I'll tell you my name if you'll tell me yours. Deal?"

The boy seemed to shrink further into himself as he shook his head again.

"Mummy said," he repeated.

"And we know you're a stubborn little guy. And I seem to have just figured out you're buck naked. Where the hell are your clothes?"

The boy began to sniffle dangerously.

"Oh God, please don't cry, kid. I'll do anything." Xander rummaged in his shirt pocket and pulled out a slightly crumpled candy bar. "I'll give you this if you just don't cry."

The child's eyes showed clearly the torture he was feeling. He wanted the sweet, but it was obviously forbidden. At last he shook his head again.

"Can't."

"What? Oh, let me guess; your Mummy won't let you take candy from strangers, either. Tell you what. I'll eat half of this and you can have the other half. That way you know I didn't put anything bad in it, okay?"

The child chewed his lip and stared at the candy bar as he struggled to make his decision. At last he regarded Xander with solemn eyes that seemed far too old and nodded.

Xander broke the candy in half with equal solemnity and popped half into his mouth. When he had swallowed it, he handed the other half to the little boy who waited and watched a further moment before eating his half. Even then, he took tiny nibbles rather than stuffing it in his mouth.

He'd barely swallowed the last crumb when the door of the shop flew violently open.

"Where's Giles?" Buffy asked. "What happened to him?"

'We don't know," Anya told her. "But Xander's up in the loft with a kid. If we can get him to talk, maybe he knows something. Oh, and you owe me ten dollars; see?"

Anya held up the red underwear for Buffy to see.

"Those are Giles'?" she managed. She shook her head. "Never mind. Where's this kid?"

"Pretty lady."

Buffy looked up to the loft only to see a small boy regarding her over the railing. She smiled at him.

"Well, aren't you the budding Don Juan? What's your name?"

The boy shook his head, this time with less certainty.

"Mummy said I mustn't talk to strangers."

"And she's right. You shouldn't, most of the time. But once in a while, you have to."

All the while she spoke to the little boy, Buffy was climbing the ladder to the loft. When she reached the top, she sat cross legged on the floor and looked him right in the eye. She opened her mouth to speak again, then clamped it shut and looked harder. The child's eyes were a murky green. The left one had an odd amber patch to the iris.

"Giles? Ohmigod, Giles is that you?"