A/N: The beginning of this takes dialogue straight from the show – which goes to the point where I think things would’ve been different if Spike had not been a jerk. I do not claim ownership of lines from the show, or the characters, etc etc.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Her eyes fluttered open and she felt immense pain run through her entire body, feeling her back ache from the harsh and uneven surface she was sleeping on. More interestingly, her body seemed to sing with a tired satisfaction as images of the night suddenly came flooding back into her mind. She jolted upright, and took in the battered and collapsed appearance of the abandoned house. Her heart began to beat faster as panic started to set in.


Spike looked over at her, her bare back to him as she clutched the skirt to her chest. Remembering their night with perfect clarity, he put his hands behind his head in satisfaction.


“When ... When did the building fall down?” she asked with a panicked frown.


Spike barely noticed their surroundings, but at her question, took in the collapsed hole of a ceiling with wonderment. “I don't know. Must have been sometime between the first time and the, uh...” His voice trailed off with a bit of satisfied amusement.


”Oh. Oh my god.” A look of disgust flashed across her features. She shot up into standing position, clutching the fabric to her as she avoided Spike’s gaze and looked for her clothing.


Spike just watched her with amusement, not caring about his nudity. He stretched a little, satisfied with the way his body still felt the painful pleasure.


Buffy had hastily thrown on her clothes and was now looking around for something else. “Shoe, need my shoe.”


”What's the hurry, luv?”


Buffy shot him a glare. “The hurry is I left Dawn all night. And don't call me love.”


Spike raised one brow, “You didn't seem to take issue with that last night. Or with any of the other little nasties we whispered.”


”Can we not? Talk?” Buffy gritted out.


” I just don't see why you have to run off so quick. Thought we could-,”


”Not gonna happen. Last night was the end of this freak show,” Buffy replied harshly.


Spike shot up from his lying position and grabbed her, pulling her down into his lap abruptly. His jaw tight, he stared into her eyes with intensity, “Don't say that.”


With her arms in front of her, trying to push space in between them, she asked sarcastically, “What did you think was gonna happen? What, we're gonna read the newspaper together, play footsie under the rubble?”


”Not exactly what I had in mind,” he said with hidden meaning, as his hand crept up under her skirt and he plunged two fingers into her folds. Buffy gasped and tensed at his move. Her resistance wavered for a minute, before she managed to smack his chest back, “Stop!”


Grinning, he continued to pump into her with his fingers, as his other hand held her tightly in his lap. “Make me,” his voice was low as he stared at her lip and continued his movements.


”No! No!” She tried to resist as her brain was telling her not to repeat last night’s mistake. Buffy struggled against him, trying to push him off and get up, but Spike held her tight and combated her attempts. Suddenly, Buffy forgot all reason and she lunged forward to capture his lips in a searing kiss, bringing her arms up to instinctively wrap around his neck.


Remembering that a whole night had passed without the others knowing where she was, she pulled back as her last fiber of resistance kicked in. “No, no, I-I have to-,”


Spike was taking in unnecessary breaths, as he pleaded, ”Stay. I'm stuck here. Sun's up.”


At his tone of want, Buffy forced back her thoughts of anything else, and swooped in to kiss him once again. She pressed herself up against him and Spike flipped her around so he was on top. He buried his face into her neck and began to caress her with his tongue as she clung onto him and let out little gasps of pleasure.


He moved his hand and lifted her skirt, positioning himself at her entrance. Her hips instinctively jolted up as the tip of his cock touched her wet folds. “Spike…,” she whispered as her body arched in anticipation.


He pushed into her, and closed his eyes in pleasure, burying his face once again in her neck. “God, Buffy,” he breathed out as her heat seemed to strangle him. The fact that her fingernails were digging into his shoulders was driving him crazy, and he fought the urge to slam into her relentlessly.


The way he said her name made her even wetter, and she arched up against him in response. There was something about the tone of his voice - the want, the love - that made her heart clench. It was almost as if she felt worshipped every time he whispered into her ear.


He began to pump in and out, capturing her lips for a deep kiss. His lust grew at the feel of her little tongue caressing his mouth in matched fervor. Spike quickened his pace, and Buffy pulled away to let out a gasp as she threw her head back in pleasure.


Spike gazed down at her with pure admiration. He loved the way she responded to him, loved the little noises she made, and the way her body felt against his. Last night had been ‘a bloody revelation,’ and his heart sang at the fact that she was still here in his arms.


Her legs came to wrap around his waist, surging up and forcing him deeper into her. She moaned as his thrusts quickened and became a little rougher. Spike brought his left hand around to caress the back of her neck as he leaned forward to suck on her ear with a grin. He knew it would drive her crazy to have him be rough and gentle at the same time.


“Oh god,” she breathed as his cool touch hit all the right places. She felt dizzy, as the sensations were building up to her breaking point. With his cock pounding into her, and his cool tongue caressing her ear and the nape of her neck, Buffy lost all coherent thought.


‘God, I love you,’ he thought to himself as they moved together in earnest. He didn’t want to say it and scare her off – he didn’t want to ruin this moment. Spike had her in his arms, and it was enough for now.


“Spike, please,” she breathed, almost feeling an oncoming orgasm.


At the sound of his name and her pleading tone, he lost control and his hips bucked involuntarily. “Fuck!” He grabbed her by the waist to pull her closer and began to slam into her violently.


“Unh! Yes!” she moaned with her head thrown back.


With one final thrust, Spike sent them both over the edge and he roared in release as he felt her milk his cock in spastic movements. Her body shook as she cried out in pleasure, digging her nails deeper into his skin. He released into her one final time before slumping in satisfaction and lying them both down, with him on top, slightly off to the side so he wasn’t crushing her. Spike rested his head above her shoulder, breathing unnecessarily into her neck as her own gasps and tremors slowed.


“You’re so bloody amazing,” he said against her skin with his eyes closed. His hand idly ran down her skin, caressing her arm.


She breathed deeply, still basking in the aftereffects. Hearing his words, her stomach clenched, and she wished he would stop saying those things, because, well, they made her want him more.


Coherent thoughts began to flood back into her mind, and she remembered that she had left Dawn all night. Almost reluctantly, she said, “I-I should go.”


He lifted his head from her shoulder to look at her, and Buffy saw a slight crease in his forehead – one of suppressed worry and hurt.


He looked so kissable, his bottom lip jutting out unintentionally, that Buffy had to bit her lip for control. She said, with the barest hint of apologetic expression, “Dawn.”


He nodded, her answer wiping away his worry. He quickly resumed his indifferent attitude, and tried not to show her how high his emotions were running.


“You better get going, luv,” he said as he pulled away, wincing slightly at the loss of contact, but his expression was hidden from her scrutiny.


She sat up, trying not to show how much she enjoyed that…again. Avoiding his gaze, she replied in a quiet voice, “Yea…” Buffy got up to look for her shoe as Spike proceeded to find his clothes and throw them on haphazardly.


A part of him wanted to jeer at her, taunt her for giving into him in order to alleviate this awkward feeling of silence. He wanted to get back at her for making him feel this weak and vulnerable. But the other part of him knew that if he let that demon out to have his fun, he could ruin everything. She would undoubtedly close herself off from him, and punch him in the nose for good measure. He breathed in, and pushed back that urge.


Buffy gave him a frowned look, as she seemed to be battling her own inner dialogue.


“C’mere,” he said evenly.


“What? No, I have to go this time,” Buffy stepped back as he moved forward.


“I know,” he replied as he pulled her forward lightly by the arms. His hand reached up to brush a lock of hair from her face, and she looked confused at that.


She had been waiting for the fight, the sexual jokes, and overall general cockiness that Spike had been showing just a little bit ago. But as he brushed her hair back, she froze, not knowing what to do. If she hadn’t been so shocked at his innocent touch, she might have pushed him off or wrenched herself out of his grip. Instead, she felt her fear escalate as he gave her an intense gaze that she didn’t want to hold. ‘It’s just sex, it’s just sex,’ she chanted to herself in reminder, closing her eyes.


He leaned his head in closer, faces almost touching. As if reading her mind, he said into her ear in a low voice, “It’s not just sex, and I’ll be here until the day you get that.”


She almost shuddered at his words, and suddenly the wind brushed up against her body, chilling her more. Buffy opened her eyes to find that Spike was gone. And she pushed back the feeling of loss. For now.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A/N: Ok, well he didn’t mean literally ‘here.’ But anyway, that’s my drabble. Boring, isn’t it? Heh, sorry. It is just one re-write of an episode scene, but if you use your imagination, then you might see how their sexual relationship could have been different if he was nice instead of cocky. Consider if he didn’t say how he ‘knew it would be better to f*ck a slayer,’ and voila! Buffy does not smack him away, and resumes to giving in :D Buffy probably wouldn’t have been so mean if he wasn’t a jerk in that episode. Think about when she said: “Is that what this is all about?” – Well, if she asked that, it obviously means she thought it was about something else ;)

On the armchair in his crypt, Spike was sitting with Buffy straddling his lap, both of them completely naked and grinding against each other with needy rasps.


“Bloody hell,” he groaned, feeling her quicken the speed and pump his cock faster, bouncing up and down.


Throwing her head back, she moaned as his mouth instantly connected with her aching breasts, wanting every part of her body to be touched.


Buffy looked down, never stopping her frantic movements, and at the arousing sight of her breast in his mouth, she clenched her inner muscles around his shaft harder and held the back of his head against her. She could feel her climax nearing, concentrating on the feel of his hard cock moving within her, stretching her walls torturously, pleasurably.


Spike let out a low rumble with his mouth still sucking at her breast, spreading the vibrations to her body and causing her to gasp and clench around him. He disconnected his mouth for a moment, whispering in a low tone, “That’s it, Buffy,” before moving to her other aching nipple, his hands grabbing her hips and jerking her forward at the same time.


Between the sound of her name, his rough jerk, and the feel of his wet mouth, she came suddenly with a pleasured scream, throwing her head back again.


Feeling her come, he let her nipple slip out of his mouth as he groaned, plopping his head back against the cushion of the chair. Still grasping her by the hips, he helped her ride out her orgasm, hoping to get himself off at the same time.


Her muscles convulsing in ecstasy, she was vaguely aware of his efforts, and ground down onto his cock harder, squeezing him for all he was worth.


Spike felt his cock being strangled, her heat and strength searing him into his climax. “Fuck,” he rasped as he felt his load shoot into her, coming fast and hard into her as she descended from her orgasm. Bucking his hips up, Spike held her to him roughly, craving more contact and hoping she wouldn’t get up and leave. He didn’t put it past her.


As their bodies relaxed, both of them panting for control, there was a brief moment when they just sat there, eyes closed and faces touching.


Reality coming back to her, Buffy stood up, trying not to wince as Spike slipped out of her. She turned around and began looking for her clothes.


“Right then,” he said shortly, getting up himself and walking over to the fridge when he saw she wasn’t acknowledging him. Getting out a jar of blood, he asked bitterly, “Should I expect you same time tomorrow?” They had been at this act for weeks now, and he hadn’t gotten any progress with her since that night in the abandoned house – not for lack of trying.


“I don’t know,” she finally replied, pulling on her pants. “I’ll come if I feel like it.”


He snorted, slamming the fridge door shut. “And what if I don’t feel like it?”


Her head whipped up, surprised at his retort. Spike never said anything like that. After they fucked, he had always tried to get her to stay, or at least to not run off.


”What’s the rush, pet? Relax for a minute – it won’t kill you,” he tried to convince.


Of course, she never listened. She knew why he wanted her to stay.


”It’s not just sex, and I’ll be here until the day you get that.”


If she stayed, he would be right. Buffy knew she should have stopped after that first night, but she kept coming back for more.


Finally answering his snarky attack, she replied, “I don’t need you, Spike. Don’t think you’re the only guy in Sunnydale with a dick.” After it came out of her lips, she regretted it. It sounded harsh, even to her ears.


A hurt look flashed across his features. He had tried– every time. So many snarky remarks he had to contain, even if it meant that it left him open to her attack – left him vulnerable. But he stopped himself, knowing they would only push her heart further and further away from him. And what had she reduced him to?


“Is that all I am?” he asked, squinting at her as he stepped forward. “A living sex toy to you?”


Once she started, she couldn’t stop. It was as if she couldn’t get herself to stop the hurtful words that came out of her mouth. “You knew what this was…is, Spike. It’s just sex, and I told you you were wrong that first night.”


“Yea, you told me,” he repeated with a cold look. “I just figured with all we’ve been through, you would at least have the decency to not treat me like dirt.”


She frowned, knowing he was talking about every single time she came to him and found comfort – before and after they started having sex.


Knowing he finally reached an emotion in that cold exterior of hers, he straightened his shoulders and wiped away his expression of vulnerability. “Maybe I was wrong, Slayer.”


Hearing the resigned tone in his voice, a part of her began to panic. She opened her mouth to say something, but he turned away from her, going to pick up his own clothes and dressing quickly without looking at her.


Buffy stood there, not knowing what to say, but knowing each second inched towards the moment where nothing was stopping him from leaving… He was giving up. She racked her mind for something to say, the words were within reach but her pride wouldn’t let them come out. All she had to do was say sorry – take back her words, which was ironically, the hardest thing when it came to Spike.


As he was almost out the door, she whipped around, and blurted, “Are you leaving?”


Halting in his steps, he heard the slight plea-like quality to her question. He sighed, turning to look at her. A big mistake. Buffy looked completely lost, struggling with herself on what to do, halfway lost between her controlled persona and her vulnerability. It was then he knew she didn’t mean leaving the crypt, or even leaving Sunnydale.


Awkward silence filled the dank room. Buffy wanted to say more, but the words wouldn’t come out. Spike waited, but nothing came. Finally, Buffy bit her lip and looked down to the side, not able to hold his gaze.


Resigned, he finally replied, “No. I’m not leaving. I’m going out for a walk. See you later.” At her barely-controlled look of relief, he turned and walked out of the crypt, knowing he would never be able to leave her.


But what just happened here, was progress. And after all, he had promised her he would always be there.


Buffy stood in the crypt for a long while, thinking about what she had said to him, and the feeling she felt when she thought he was giving up on her – that another one was giving up on her. Perhaps she hadn’t driven Angel away, but she knew Riley had given up because of the way she cut herself off, and now she was doing it again.


Feeling like a total bitch, she walked out and noted to herself to at least stop treating Spike like dirt, even if it was just sex.


~


A/N: This could go on a few more chapters, and it might – I haven’t decided, but I have at least one more chapter. I’ll try to post it soon, but I have to decide if I want to insert another chapter in between that time…

Spike heard the door upstairs burst open, and he threw down the magazine he had found, knowing it was Buffy. Seemed kind of early for a shag, but he had quickly learned to not question it. Although she was more careful about what she said after they finished shagging, she still wouldn’t stay, probably afraid her virtues would start to eat away at her.


Seeing her form come down the ladder, he began with a grin, “So early, pet? I’m flattered you couldn’t wait ‘til our usual time-,”


When she turned around to face him, his expression dropped.


Tears brimmed her eyes.


Stepping forward immediately, he asked hesitantly with worry in his eyes, “What’s wrong, Buffy? Are you alright?”


She nodded as she struggled with her emotions and choked out, “Yea, I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong, Spike.”


Looking confused, he searched her sad expression, and she looked up at him in anguish. Understanding dawned on him.


She put her hand up to her mouth, trying to suppress a sob, the other arm wrapped around herself.


Closing the distance between them, he hesitantly put his hand on her shoulder – not sure how much she would let him comfort her.


As she let the tears slide down her face, she wiped them away quickly. Looking up at him, she asked, “Does it make me a bad person when it hurts to see them happy?”


“No, of course not, luv,” he soothed, catching a tear with the back of his finger. He was shocked that he was the one she had run to, although it made sense since the problem was about her friends. Even still, he realized this moment would change everything…unless she pretended it never happened.


She shook her head, not accepting his answer. “What’s wrong with me? Why did I come back wrong?” her voice was pleading with him, with anyone, to give her the truth.


“I didn’t mean that,” he said with regret in his tone, knowing she remembered what he had said to her that first night. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Buffy. You’re perfect.”


Hearing his words, she laughed once through her tears. She gazed into his eyes and saw something there she had often refused to let herself see. Mesmerized by the intensity in his expression, she didn’t hesitate when she tilted her head up and kissed him softly.


The soft way her lips were brushing against his surprised him, and if he had a heart beat, it would’ve raced. He wormed his arm around her waist, drawing her closer slowly, as the kiss began to deepen.


Their tongues caressed each others, moist and soft lips intermingling. But he could taste the salty tears on her face, and he knew it wasn’t right. Gently pushing her back by the shoulders, he conveyed his explanation through his expression, asking for her understanding. Now was about the time she punched him in the nose and ran out of his life forever.


The pain of reality came back to her – even Spike didn’t want her. Turning away from him to leave, Buffy felt cold.


“You don’t have to go, you know,” he said, halting her.


She turned back around.


Seeing her indecision, he came up to her and ran his hands lightly down her arms, but she looked about two seconds away from fleeing.


Changing his mind, he decided that if she wanted to forget, he would grant her that, even if it meant he was nothing more than cold comfort. He didn’t want her to leave – not when she was like this. Leaning down to kiss her, he pulled her back towards the bed.


She stopped him, and he inwardly cursed himself, thinking he had ruined it earlier.


To his surprise, she asked, “Can…can we just sleep?”


Finally, he nodded, trying to mask his insecurities by pulling her towards the bed slowly. Spike didn’t know if he was allowed to hold her, so he got on the bed first and let her follow. He didn’t know if she was joking. Any minute now, she would burst into laughter and mock him for believing she would ever do such a thing.


Holding his unneeded breath, he waited for her as she followed, lying down beside him.


Buffy didn’t go into his arms, but she was close enough so that her face was nestled next to his chest. Wishing she could just ask for what she wanted, she opted to move a little closer, hoping he would reach for her.


At her little shuffle, he risked turning towards her and placing his arm around her waist. When she didn’t shove him away, he relaxed.


“Just one thing, Spike,” she suddenly said, her eyes still closed.


“And what’s that, luv?”


“If you use this against me, I’ll stake you.”


Resisting a grin, he replied, “I’ll remember that.”


Before Buffy drifted to sleep, she realized that sex wasn’t the only thing that made her forget.


‘Yea…definitely something…’ Spike thought as he smiled down at Buffy’s now-sleeping form.


~


“Buffy, we were worried about you yesterday,” Willow began, hoping for an explanation.


Seeing her friend sit down at the table with them, Willow looked between Dawn and Tara.


“I was out patrolling,” Buffy lied, grabbing the empty plate on the table and taking pancakes off the stack in front of her. She hoped they would let it go, because she was actually remotely in an O.K. mood.


“With Spike?” Dawn offered, biting into her pancake.


“Um, yea,” she replied, looking up at them to convey a sense of casualness. “Lots of nasties out there left over from…when I was gone,” she finished, seeing everyone’s expression flicker.


Just then, Xander and Anya came through the door. “Morning,” they both called out, walking to the table.


Buffy gave them a small smile as the others greeted them.


“Look, Anya. The Pancake Crew made us breakfast,” he clasped his hands together as he got a whiff, immediately sitting down and grabbing a plate.


Dawn raised her eyebrow at him, “We charge by the cake, buster.”


He waved the motion away with his hands, “Add it to my tab, Pancake Princess.” Looking up at Buffy, who was looking increasingly uncomfortable by the moment, he asked through a full mouth, “Where’d you run off to last night, Buffster? We wanted you to enjoy the festivities of Game Night.”


“You know, I came up with that idea, didn’t I, Xander?” a proud Anya beamed. “Ok, well, it may have existed already, but it was my idea to make it our weekly thing, you know, so Buffy could-,”


A hand over her mouth stopped her from finishing up the sentence. Xander laughed nervously, “Anya, sit down and have some of these delicious pancakes.”


Buffy was finding it increasingly hard to ignore all their sympathetic looks. Tone tighter, she tried to sound normal, “I went out patrolling with Spike.”


Xander frowned, “Again? You don’t have to patrol three times a night, Buffy.” They had all agreed to try and spend more time with Buffy so that she could start feeling like she belonged again.


“I want to,” Buffy replied quietly, looking down at her food.


“Well, will you at least let us come with you?” Willow asked, her eye contact with Xander acting as communication.


“It’s ok, guys. Spike and I got it covered,” she inwardly cursed herself for not sounding more casual about that.


“You seem to be spending an awful amount of time with our resident Chipped-Wonder,” he commented with an inquiring look.


Her eyes widened slightly, and she looked up at all of them, who were all looking at her. Dawn swallowed her pancake bite and looked down.


“Am I on trial?” she asked defensively.


“No, Buffy, that’s not how we mean it,” Tara offered with an apologetic smile.


“We’re just worried about you,” Willow added, nodding.


“And we want to spend time with our best bud,” Xander said. “You’re spending so much time with Spike patrolling that we hardly see you anymore. We just want to know what’s going on, Buff.”


They all suspected that Buffy had been going to Spike instead of going to one of them to talk. Though they tried continuously, Buffy refused to open up.


“You don’t want to know,” Buffy said in a low voice as she got up from the table, her abruptness making the chair screech across the floor.


“Buffy, how can we help you if you won’t talk to us?” Willow pleaded, making the other girl stop in her tracks.


“Yea, we want to know,” Xander tried to comfort.


Shaking her head, she wished she had never left Spike’s crypt. “You know why I spend most of my time with Spike?”


They waited patiently for her to continue.


“Because I feel… comfortable around him.” She let the word come out, tired of having to hold her real thoughts back.


Xander snorted, offended. “You don’t feel comfortable around us, but you feel comfortable around a blood-sucking killer?”


“He’s not always trying to get me to be something I’m not,” she replied, silencing the room.


Willow shook her head, “We don’t want you to be something you’re not, Buffy.”


She laughed bitterly, trying to control her emotions. She hated this, she hated not being able to tell them. And they were asking to know. “You wouldn’t understand, Willow. I can’t explain it to you guys.”


“Well, why don’t you try?” Xander’s tone came out a little pushier than he would’ve wished.


“Fine.” Buffy crossed her arms, looking at them all but leaving Dawn out of it, knowing she didn’t question her time spent ‘patrolling.’ After all, she’s the one that liked Spike. “I don’t feel comfortable telling you guys everything, because it would hurt you.”


At the beginnings of realization in their eyes, she reasoned with a softer expression, “How can I tell you how much life hurts without hurting you at the same time?”


“Buffy, I-,” Willow began with a tortured look.


Buffy put up her hand to stop her. “That’s exactly what I mean, and that’s not what I’m looking for, Wills. It’s o.k. – it’s over. I just…I just don’t know how to deal with the pain sometimes,” she finished quietly. “Spike…he understands it – he’s been there.”


The silent room could only be filled with slight nods of acceptance and sad glances.


“Just…let it go, o.k.?” she asked with a tired expression. “I need time.”


“Ok, Buffy,” Willow and Xander agreed, the others silently nodding.


They scattered, going about their day as Buffy went upstairs.


Outside in the shadow of the patio, standing with a sizzling blanket, was Spike with a slight smile on his face.


He could give her all the time she needed.


~