Ch. 1 To whomever it may concern

To whomever it may concern, … to all the doctors in the world, to all the forms I haven’t filled out yet and all the future forms that I’ll have to fill out. To this pen I’m writing with, to the desk that I doodled on, to the bed that hasn’t been made, to the food that hasn’t been touched- and it’s disgusting, by the way. To my oh-so-loving parents, and my incredibly selfless, bestest friends in the world who would never, ever manipulate me. To my teachers, to my neighbors, to my dentist, to my gardener, to the damn president of the United fucking States. And most importantly, to you. But you aren’t here anymore, Dr. Pratt. Are you? It’s okay, I forgive you. I promise.

Anyways, to whom it may concern.

So I was told one day to sit down, please, and kindly inform the gentleman dressed up in a little tweed suit and maroon colored wool vest why, exactly, did I swallow the entire bottle of little white pills in my medicine cabinet on July 4th, 2005. And that’s simply putting it.

Well, sir, I’m not really sure. You see, it could have been a number of reasons. It could have been the damn rain. See, it’s been raining on and off for weeks before the fourth of July and let me tell ya, a girl can get depressed. So much rain and gray and clouds and not even a trace of sun can really put a girl in the dark. That week was just so cold. I felt like I was doused in a pool of frozen water every single night and every single morning, I couldn’t seem to get the ice out of my hair. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Sometimes I go to church and they tell me God loves me and to let his countenance shine down upon me. I really don’t know what that means or what the hell I believe right now, but I guess it doesn’t matter since I’m going to the burning pit of fire anyways. All I have to say is that God’s moodier than a bitch in heat. One moment, the world’s as peaceful as can be, sun shining, birds singing, flowers blooming, breeze warming, and the next moment, bombs are going off and everyone becomes a demon. It really bites you in the ass when you’re so suddenly pulled out of paradise and into the hell of the living dead.

But I guess that’s not important and it’s not what you guys really want to hear.

Anyways, back to why I swallowed that damn bottle. Another reason could probably be that on that one rainy week, I lost all my friend’s loyalty and all my parent’s respect. Not that I expected their support, or even you guys’s supports, really, but it would have been nice to know that I had people around me who cared. I don’t really blame them – everything was actually my fault. You see, I had to go and get myself knocked up – it was an accident. promise. – and my baby’s daddy told me that getting rid of it would be for the best. In everyone’s eyes. I don’t know what was worse, getting pregnant or killing my baby.

Killing my baby. That’s the only thing I think I’ll ever regret. You might think I’m a horrible person, I don’t blame you, but believe me when I say that I really wanted the kid. I had everything planned out, even. I was going to name her Carmen. It means ‘song’. Isn’t that pretty? She would have been beautiful and I think I would have been an okay mommy. We would have had so much fun. I always wanted a little girl, one of my very own. But I guess she came at a bad time so I had to get her out of me.

When I told my mom, she stopped talking to me, and when I told my dad, he stopped looking at me. I guess they were ashamed, or maybe disappointed. Either way, they turned their backs on me. I’m not mad at them. I deserved it – I made my own mistakes.

When I told my friends, they kind of just widened their eyes all in shock if you know what I mean. They did the thing where they open their mouths and no sound comes out. But I guess that’s just because they were around me. Because when they weren’t around me, their mouths apparently made a lot of sounds. A lot of talk. In less than two days, everybody knew that I killed my baby and everybody hated me. Even the people who didn’t know me. Like that one guy in school that everyone makes fun of. He has safety pins all over his clothes and makeup all over his face. I never even spoken to him and I could already tell that he wanted to kill me with his eyes. They all did. They would see me walk by them and murder me with words. As if I cared.

But I did care… I do care. It doesn’t matter now, though.

I lied to you. When I told you that the only thing I regret is killing my Carmen. I regret something else. I think. Sometimes I think it’s the best thing that happened to me, but sometimes I kill myself when I think about it. Haha… get it? Kill myself thinking about it…

It’s not funny. I know that.

The second thing I regret. And that’s Dr. Pratt and his damn love. The way I loved him so much. He loved me too. At least that’s what he told me. And I think he meant it. You probably want to know why I regret it? Okay. I regret it because I think it killed him. God, isn’t that rich? What you crave is what kills you. And, boy, did we crave it. I craved him more than I craved chocolate, and that’s saying something. He was my drug and I was addicted. I swear I used to get withdrawals from lack of Pratt. Anyways, it killed him.

Him. Dr. Pratt. William. I knew him as Spike.

I killed him.

Dr. W. T. Pratt. I drove a railroad spike through my Spike. Figuratively.

I never wanted to hurt him. I’d hurt myself before I hurt him. That’s what I planned to do, at least. I guess this goes to shows you just how well my plans turn out.

Maybe that’s the reason why I took those pills that morning. Because our love hurt so badly that I needed to do something to put out the flame.

I don’t even know if I believe in love anymore.

Ain’t life a bitch?

Ch. 2 Dear Diary (1st)

Monday. July 11th 2005.

Journal of Buffy Anne Summers.

First Entry. Entry the first. Lesson One. How it Began. Or something like that. My very first journal – I’m all kinds of scared. This is almost like the first day of school, but it’s different, you know? It’s the first time I try to psycho-analyze my mind and that’s a hell lot more complicated than your every day calculus. I kinda don’t know how to start.

Funny, everyone thinks I’m suffering Post-Abortion Depression. You men in tweed are just so meticulous and neat and precise, it makes me sick. But don’t worry, I’m over it. If you feel the need to prescribe and name something for every wrong in the world, go for it.

So… what to write, what to write? I’m at a loss, Mr. Rupert Giles. You’re my doctor aren’t you? My counselor, my watch guard, my one-who-makes-sure-crazy-girl-doesn’t-kill-herself? You tell me what to write.

End of Entry.

Ch. 3 Dear Diary (2nd)

Tuesday. July 12th 2005

Second entry.

Now you want to know how everything began. That’s understandable. What’s a good story without the beginning, right? So, the first day I met Dr. William T. Pratt, the most beautiful man in the world. It was one hundred and three days ago from today when I stepped into his office for the first time …

Wednesday. April 1st 2005.

Bump. I hadn’t even seen the curb coming before I collided into it. Bump, the tires jumped. Bump, the car tilted. Bump, my face hit the steering wheel. I was in shock. Really. Like complete, visible, utter shock. Shit. shit. shit. Who the hell put the curb over there?

You couldn’t really blame me, since the curb pretty much jumped out of nowhere. Plus, the sky was all gray and threatening; less than perfect driving conditions. Also, I had just come out of my cheerleading practice that was out in the muddy football field that was still dripping wet from the storm the night before– gross, much? I was still feeling disgusting, gross, sweaty, and stinky since I didn’t have time to take a quick shower after practice.

I blame it on the stupid doctor’s appointment – a stupid little checkup. An evil checkup… a checkup of evil. Luckily enough, I didn’t see any visible damage to the side of my car so it was no big. What mom didn’t know, I didn’t have to tell her.

I remember looking up at the overcast sky and running as fast as I could through the parking lot and into the doctor’s office. It was already starting to drizzle and I was more than freezing in nothing but a T-shirt and practice shorts.

Did I mention how much I hate doctor’s offices? It’s a good thing I never get sick. The smell of the building is just enough to make me want to vomit – can’t little kids ever keep their insides to themselves? Not so much. I stepped into the waiting room the second some five year old loony threw up all over the colorful plastic chairs. Ugh, gross.

“I’m here for my appointment,” I told the blonde woman behind the counter. Her nametag said ‘Harmony’ and her blank eyes said ‘brainless bimbo’. It was pretty interesting, really, I have a weird fascination for stupid people. Sometimes I really wonder what goes on in their lack of brain. The bimbo blinked at me and asked me if I was here for my appointment.

“Do you have an appointment?” Those were her exact words. See? Point proven.

“Yes, I do.” I was the picture of kindness and compassion. It was difficult, but I managed to hold back the urge to roll my eyes and ask for another receptionist.

I filled out all the forms on the clipboard she handed to me.

Name? Buffy Summers. Age? 17. Sex? Yes, please.

I love filling out forms.

Another reason why I hate doctor offices is the wait. It doesn’t matter if you’re early, on time, or late for your appointment – you always have to wait forever. I was late, but it wouldn’t have made a difference.

The waiting rooms are the worst. I tried to sit as far away as possible from the kid who had vomited, but the smell of medicine, cleaners, and antiseptics were really overwhelming and I wanted to pinch my nose.

I waited an entire half an hour before a nurse finally called out my name.

“Buffy Summers?”

That’s me and I follow her through the door into the doctor’s area. I was all about to call her nice until she opened her mouth and started talking.

“So are you all paid up for this appointment? Dr. Pratt tells me I have to make sure that everybody has all their money and I get a percent of all the patients that he sees so I have to make sure every penny is there. Is every penny there?”

Goodbye courtesy, hello greedy bitch. But I smiled and told her Yes, I’m all paid up, you’ll get your money, thanks. She nodded at me then started talking rapidly.

“That’s good, I’ll set you up in that room down there and Dr. Pratt will see you in a few minutes. You’ll like Dr. Pratt, I promise. You might even want him to have sex with you on the table but that’s not allowed. He might you a few orgasms, but it would make a mess and it takes a lot of money to clean these days – “

I didn’t have a clue what ‘Anya’ – her nametag said – was talking about and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know. So, of course, all I did was nod and smile.

Did I tell you that the waiting never stops at the waiting room? Well, it’s true. Once you’re in your little room thing, you have to sit on that table recliner thingie until the doctor’s ready for you and that always takes another ten hours. ‘Anya’ left me alone to wait for the doctor and told me to be sitting on the examination table until he came to check up on me. Or check me up. Something like that.

I hated the examination table; it always had a sheet over it and when you jumped on it, the sheet would always rip and tear whenever you moved. Really annoying if you ask me.

Well, I was never one for waiting and after a minute or two passed, I was getting bored. Luckily enough, there was little bookshelf on the table by the sink and I thought I’d have fun entertaining myself with little kid’s books.

Wow. Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, Lady and the Tramp, Bambi,… who would have thought? Someone here was a Disney freak. Of course, you can’t just explore a bookshelf without exploring the rest of the examination room, could you? The books were nice and all, but something else had caught my attention and I abandoned ‘Beauty and the Beast’ as quickly as I had picked it up.

There was a picture on the wall that caught my attention. 18 inches by 12 inches, framed in gold, and three yummy-looking men smiling at the camera. Damn. So you can see why it caught my attention, right? The man on the left was in a blue and white striped polo and loose, khaki pants. He was tall and just a little bulky with plain brown hair brushed to the side and warm brown eyes. Football player? Check. Mama’s boy? Double check… Moving on.

The man next to him was a little bit shorter and a little less bulky. He had dark, brown hair spiked up towards the center, a prominent forehead, dark irises that seemed deep in thought, and a half-smile didn’t reach his eyes. Gorgeous was the word for him. I shifted my attention to the man next to him and boy, did he have my attention.

If Mr. Broody was gorgeous, this man was the god of perfect. His hair was bleached and slicked back and his eyes were all sorts of blue. His lips were turned up in a cocky smile; he seemed to be saying “I’m mouth-watering hot and I know it”. He wore all black and was leaning on his left foot and had both his thumbs hooked under his belt-loops. I remember staring at his perfection for at least five minutes, studying the sharp angles of his cheekbones and the muscles that rippled under his tight black –

“See something you like, love?”

Oh, screw the picture… whoever just talked to me in that sexy British accent was definitely something… So I whirled around to see who the owner of the voice was and came face to face with …

A god.

Blonde hair, scar over an eyebrow, playful eyes, pointed nose, smug grin, white coat over a black shirt, clipboard in hands, black jeans tight, Doc Martins untied…

There he was, the man in the picture, standing there in all his glory. And all I could do was drop my jaw and drool. Unappealing, ugh, I know. I tried to say something, I really did, but it’s hard to think up something to say when you’re trying to look at two things at once and trying to not look like an idiotic buffoon all at the same time.

“Y-you’re… you.. “ I stammered and pointed a shaky finger at the picture while staring at him.

“Found my photograph, did you?” He smirked at me all knowing-like and I think my knees melted because I felt wobbly. Was this what it was like to swoon?

Oh man, he was getting closer to me. I saw his nametag… Dr. Pratt. Oh, Doctor… check up on me, please. Suddenly, ‘Anya’ wasn’t so crazy anymore and sex on the examination table didn’t seem like such a stupid idea anymore - uncomfortable, torn up, white paper sheet and all.

He set his clipboard on the table and walked up to stand by the photograph, keeping his eyes on me the entire time. His smirk never left his face as he gave me the once-over. Never before in my life had I felt so naked and I still remember how my entire body tingled and burnt up at his blatant perusal – my neck, my chest, my stomach, my groin, my legs, right down to the little toe.

“This one was taken in Hawaii,” he told me, nodding at the hanging picture. His blue eyes twinkled, I guess it was a good memory. “Ever been to Hawaii, love?”

I didn’t really hear his question, I was too busy staring at his razor-sharp cheekbones and admiring his bone structure. Very good bones, indeed.

“Uh… no, um, I’ve never been.”

“You’d love it. Bloody gorgeous is what it is,” he smiled, his attention still on the photograph. “Monster waves, miles and miles of sand, beautiful clubs with beautiful girls in them, restaurants, sunsets, all that rot. It’s like an all you can eat buffet of fun at that.” He finally turned to me and raised an eyebrow, “Ready for your checkup then, pet?”

It must have been a miracle that I was able to fully function after hearing his description of Hawaii. I’d most definitely be traveling there in the near future.

“Yep, all ready to be checked up on! I’m check-up Buffy!” God, he must think I’m some dense little girl.

All he did was smile and gesture towards the examination table then he turned around to get some supplies. I remember pushing up on my arms to prop myself onto the table and looking around the room nervously like a young girl with a crush. After a few seconds, I settled for staring between his shoulder blades as he was collecting his stethoscope, his thermometer, and a bunch of other things … I didn’t know the names. I loved the way he moved, full of assurance … he oozed out catlike grace and stealthy power. I thought I could have spent hours just watching the way his muscles twitched beneath that white doctor’s coat…

Finally, he turned around and gave me a blinding smile as he stalked towards me like a predator going for its prey.

Just your doctor, Buffy. Just the doctor… must not think bad things about doctor. Bad, bad Buffy.

But, God help me, I was losing myself in his blue, blue eyes.

“Open wide, Buffy,” he instructed me, holding up a thin black light. All I could think about was ‘he knows my name!’… but then again, it was probably on that sheet that he carried in…

I opened wide for him. It always made me uncomfortable to do that around doctors… where do you put your tongue? If it just lies flat, you start salivating and become all disgusting and drooling, but if you move it around… Lets just say it was so nerve-racking that I was nearly sweating.

He leaned forward and shined the light in my mouth… I hope I don’t have bad breath. Maybe I should have accepted that stick of gum Cordy had offered me after practice. After a few seconds, he told me to move my tongue to the right… then to the left… then he was done.

The next few minutes, he did what every normal doctors do… shined the light in each eye, shined it in my ears, knocked my knees with that heavy thing a few times. And each minute that passed, I was more and more turned on. I felt sick at myself for having such thoughts… for my doctor, no less.

He wrote some things down on the clipboard then reached out for his stethoscope.

“Lets listen to your heart tick and tock, Goldilocks.”

I was sure my heart started beating faster after he said that, I could feel the pounding of blood pulsating through my brain.

Dr. Pratt gave me a little smile and reached his hand out to peel the hem of my sweaty shirt away from my skin. My breath hitched and breathing became an issue as he continued looking into my eyes while he slid the stethoscope up under my shirt.

The cool metal on my hot skin made me break out in goosebumps and there was no way my hardening nipples didn’t poke through my thin sports bra and t-shirt. I was semi-relieved that he didn’t look down and see the evidence of… Ohh… the metal was slowly crawling up my skin, feeling like smooth ice.

I gasped and he smiled, quirking an eyebrow. He placed the stethoscope over my chest and when I felt the back of his strong, warm hand grazing over my sports-bra covered breast, I shivered again.

I licked my dry lips and forced my eyes away from his.

After what seemed like forever, he finally slid his hand out of my shirt and took the stethoscope out of his ears. I wasn’t sure whether I was relieved or upset at the loss of his hand on my bare skin.

“Good, now get off and bend over.”

“W-what?”

I didn’t understand. What??!!. He shot me a look and said two word that made my nerves explode and my heart stop beating.

“Scoliosis test.”

Oh. I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t disappointed. If he had said something like ‘naughty sex’, I probably would have complied.

“Oh… yeah. Okay.”

I hopped off the table and bent forward. He placed himself behind me and lifted my shirt up until it went over my shoulders and my arms were hanging like a loose puppet. Then, he placed both of his hands on my lower back.

Electricity shot through my spine and my body went out of control. One simple touch and I felt like a madwoman. His hands kneaded skillfully over my spinal cord and slowly made their way up. Did every doctor’s checkup seem so … sensual?

After he made sure I didn’t have scoliosis, he told me I could stand up.

“Everything’s all checked up and you’re up and ready to go, pet.”

“Thanks.”

I was up and running out of the small room as fast as my legs which were still not functioning correctly could carry me. When I was past the door, I was hit with a waft of cool air and I sighed in relief, partially happy to be out of the room. It was too hot with tension and I wanted to get out of there before I made even more of a fool out of myself. I was halfway down the hall when a voice stopped me.

“Buffy!”

I turned around and saw Dr. Pratt. When our eyes connected, I could almost see the blue of the electric shock. He began to walk towards me briskly and as he closed the distance between us, my heart pounded faster and faster…

“Please bring this to the lady at the front desk.”

Shot down. I numbly took the clipboard that he had handed to me.

Surprised and disappointed, I watched his retreating back as he turned around and sauntered away.

…………..

So that’s that, Giles and company of men in tweed. How I met Dr. Pratt. A little embarrassing and a lot sorry, isn’t it? I can’t wait for your next assignment.

Do you think I’m cured of all suicidal tendency, yet?

Or maybe another journal entry or two…

Chapter 4 Dear Diary (3rd)

Friday. July 15th 2005

Third entry.

Well, here I am again, another day in this … place. I don’t understand how staying here is supposed to make me better. Then again, I didn’t know something was wrong with me in the first place. Just as long as your reading this, Giles, I’d like to make a few requests.

The bed. Yeah, the mattress is kind of sucky and I can feel the springs whenever I move around which is pretty often. The sheets haven’t been changed in a while and they’re starting to smell bad.

I don’t like this place, Giles. Even if you changed the bed, I’ll still be miserable. I feel so alone. I’ve felt so alone for such a long time I don’t think I remember how it feels like to be in someone’s arms… to talk to someone who really cares about me. You say you care, but do you really? Are you there each night when it all comes back to me and I remember that he’s gone? I still can’t imagine it. Sometimes I expect him to walk right through the door and scoop me up and run away with me.

Sometimes, I can almost hear his voice in my ear, whispering those promises that always kept me going. Sometimes I cry. Giles, I cry. And I hate it. You’re making me remember and I hate it.

Sunday, April 3rd 2005

I remember sitting in the corner booth of the Bronze with Cordelia, Faith, and R.J. The people I thought would always be there for me… that’s what friends do, right? Be there for you when you feel like shit?

Anyways, we were sitting there talking about how amazing R.J. was. He’s the quarterback of the football team and he’s the reason why our school went to the championships back when it was still football season. That’s what he says, anyways. But the thing is, football season was over so he wasn’t out there scoring goals anymore… he was in the Bronze, telling us about how he scored those goals. And to tell you the truth, it gets really boring.

So it’s not my fault that my mind wandered off to that day I spent in Dr. Pratt’s office. R.J. put his arm around my shoulders and I couldn’t help but wish that the arm was attached to a certain peroxide blonde body and the hand rubbing my arm was the skilled hand of a doctor’s and the voice rambling on had that cockney accent that I kept hearing in my head each night as I went to sleep alone in my bed.

The music was slow and lulling and the dim lights made my eyelids grow heavy and I could feel myself start to doze off in the monotonous droning of my almost-boyfriend’s voice.

That was when I saw him again. You know… him. Doctor freaking Pratt, British hottie of the year.

At first, I thought it was a trick of lights making the hair on the guy who just walked in looking bleached blonde, but there was no mistakening the scarred eyebrow, the cheekbones that had no right being on a man, the swagger, the black attire. Hello, doctor, I’m ready for another check-up.

If I was ready to fall asleep two seconds ago, I was most definitely awake now. He entered the Bronze and looked around as if he were looking for somebody. When he didn’t find whoever he was looking for, he made his way through the crowd to the bar and sat in one of the stools. I noticed that I wasn’t the only female in the room who caught on to the hotness factor of my doctor and I almost combusted in jealousy when I saw some woman wearing close to nothing sidle her way up to him.

I think I audibly sighed in relief as he gave her one glance and brushed her off and I must have laughed when she stalked away with a pissed off look on her face. Owned… Faith and Cordelia gave me a funny look when I happily muttered my joy at the slut’s rejection and I quickly covered up.

“Uh… just realized I was thirsty,” I flashed them a winner smile and looked at R.J. expectantly. Hell, I knew he wasn’t going to get up and get me a drink, but I wanted to test him anyways.

“Okay, can you get me a coke while you’re up there?” he gave my shoulder a quick squeeze and dropped his arm, resuming his description of our championship game. The one where, you know, he stole the cup for us? I was more than happy to get out of there but slightly annoyed that he thought I’d get him something to drink.

Well, screw that.

When I got out of my seat and looked down at myself, I nearly groaned at my own lack of future-perception. If I had known that I would run into Dr. Pratt here, I would have worn something else other than torn jeans that slung low on my hips and the red tank that I always put on when I couldn’t find something in my closet that I wanted to wear.

On the way up to the bar, I tried to think up a drink for myself. Water? No, too boring. Coke? Yeah, the famous one for under-aged people. Beer? Too crude and I hate the taste, anyways. Whiskey? Not if I was planning on talking to him…

My heart started racing and my breathing became a little unsteady as I approached the bar and pulled out the stool next to him.

I was determined not to look in his direction as I waved down the bartender, Willy. He smiled at me as he slid a beer to a customer who already looked plastered and made his way over.

“What’ll it be tonight, Buff?”

“Strawberry Daiquiri,” I decided on the spot. The words ‘non-alcoholic’ were practically visible on his lips and I frantically gave him a pleading look. He closed his mouth as he rolled his eyes at me and turned to fix me my drink.

“Now I know you’re not anywhere close to twenty-one, Goldilocks.”

Oh, he was talking to me. I could have jumped with glee, but I held in my joy and gave him a look that I hoped was an irritated one.

“Is that your business?”

“I could be a cop,” he smirked, taking another swig of his Jack Daniels. Oh, please.

“I know for a fact that you’re not.”

“And I know for a fact that you’re still a little nibblet who shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. Bad Buffy,” he chided with a smile. Oh my god. He remembers me.

“Well are you going to tattle on me, Dr. Pratt?”

I leaned forward and gave him a daring grin, looking at him through lowered lashes. Oh boy, I was bad. And this was really fun.

“You can’t blame me when you become pissed off your rocker and start doing the tango on the tabletops now, can you?”

His eyes were really, incredibly, intensely, beautiful blue. And the way he sucked in his cheeks after saying that sentence … wow.

“If I’m going to do a tango, you’ll be right up there with me, right?”

I wrinkled up my nose and tilted my head. He stared at me for a moment then burst out laughing, sloshing his beer a little as he slammed it down on the counter. I leaned back, pleased with myself.

“You’re skating on thin ice there, love.”

I shrugged and Willy appeared in front of me with my drink. He gave Dr. Pratt a look that was supposed to seem menacing and turned around to get another person’s order.

“So is this where doctors hang out when they’re not seeing patients?”

I played with my straw a little. I noticed that Willy had given me a cute little umbrella stuck in a maraschino cherry that was floating around in my daiquiri.

“I suppose so, but this little shindig here really isn’t my kind of scene. I’m supposed to be meeting up with somebody but it looks like she decided not to show. Stood me up right and proper, she did.”

Damnit. So he was with someone… Kind of.

“Girlfriend?”

I had to ask. He raised an eyebrow and studied me for a second or so.

“No, pet, just a drug-dealer. The chit said she had some samples she wanted me to check out.”

Oh.

Then I remembered he was a doctor… prescription drugs. Silly me, I almost forgot. You don’t even understand to what level I was relieved.

“Why do you ask?”

Cause I want to make you my latest conquest… Somehow, I didn’t think that would go over very well.

“Curious.”

“Oh. Right.”

Awkward silence. I took a sip of the daiquiri. There was no trace of alcohol; Willy apparently knew what he was doing. I looked over at him and found him keeping an eye on me and Dr. Pratt from across the bar. When our eyes met, he gave me a reassuring smile and turned away.

“So, this is where kids go and do what you lot call ‘hanging out’ while you’re not in school?”

No points on originality, but that was okay. He was giving me his million-dollar smile and had turned around to face me.

“Pretty much. But I got sick of talking about field goals and fumbles so here I am.”

“With me.”

“Yeah, with you.”

We looked over simultaneously at the table I had abandoned. R.J. seemed to have completely forgotten that I owed him a coke and was still deep in discussion with Cordy and Faith. They were both so completely engrossed in him that I doubted they heard a word of what he was saying.

“That your sweetie-bear over there?”

I looked over at him surprised and found him still staring at R.J. with a look of disgust on his face.

“A world of no. We were loosely dating for a while but I don’t think I can stand another four-hour night of listening to how he won the championship game which was, by the way, a couple of months ago.”

He turned back towards me and smiled. If I hadn’t known better, I could have sworn he was relieved.

“Is that right? So you like rugby?”

“Football?”

“You bloody Americans sod everything up. Yeah, football only if you live on the western hemisphere and are out of tune with the rest of the world.”

I shot him a look which he quickly returned.

“No, I’m not really sports-girl. Which really sucks because I have to go to every single sports game played in school.”

“Oh really? Are you one of those birds who strut around in short skirts and wave around pom-poms chanting out ‘rah bloody rah’?”

“Cheerleaders?”

“More like leer-leaders at that. The only thing you chits lead on are the sick blokes in the audience who get to see you flash your bottoms at them.”

“Lucky them. And yeah, I’m a cheerleader.”

Somewhere during that conversation, we had miraculously shifted closer to each other and now our knees were touching. There was another silence.

“So, Dr. Pratt, -“

“Call me Spike.”

That was unexpected.

“Spike?” I wonder what exactly was… spiked… bad thoughts, bad thoughts,… yummy bad thoughts.

“Yeah. Nickname I picked up in med school.”

“Medical school, huh?”

“That’s right.”

We spent the next half an hour talking with one another and I realized that with each second that passed by, I grew to like him more and more. Unlike the guys I knew in high school, he was able to perk my interest and keep it with his sarcastic smile and sharp intelligence. My daiquiri and his beer were already long gone and our stools seemed to magically grow closer and closer and soon, I found my leg accidentally rubbing up against his. Accidentally, I tell you.

A slow song began to play and the lights in the packed club darkened from a hazy orange to black. We could see the tiny blue lights overhead and on the stage glimmer down on glass tops and shiny objects. The environment around us was suddenly romantic and my heart started thumping of its own accord as I began to feel the sexual tension that had been absent throughout our entire conversation.

I looked at him and bit my lip, a little uneasy as to what to do. It was hard to keep talking in the dark. I could see the lights reflected from his blue eyes and it became really hard to breathe. His next question completely took me by surprise.

“Would you care to dance, love?”

I thought fireworks were supposed to go off during your first kiss with your true love, but hell, I could see the rainbow lights sparking and dancing around the night sky the second he said ‘dance’.

“I’d love to.”

We slid out of our stools together and he took my hand. His hand was warm and strong, completely engulfing my small ones. I nervously followed him as he slowly led me into the center of the dance floor.

The distance between us closed and I felt him pull me towards him gently by the waist. My entire body was on fire and my heart… god, my heart was about to soar up to heaven. I took a deep breath and slipped my arms around his neck, holding his gaze the entire time.

He smiled at me and in his eyes, I could see the glittering of my own. Eyes are the windows to the soul… and to the heavens above, and to all the night lights in the city, the stars in the skies, everything.

We swayed slowly to the music and I clung to his neck, praying that the moment would last for eternity. He tightened his hold on my waist and pressed me up against his body. Looking up into his eyes really strained my neck so I broke our gaze to rest the side of my head on his chest, listening to his heart’s steady beat. His chin grazed the my hair and I felt the pressure deepen as he tilted his face until his cheeks were pressed against me

Even as the song slowed to a stop and the lights were brightened once again, we stayed in our position. I never wanted to move out of his embrace.

Finally, I backed away an inch and looked up at him. He was staring down at me with such an intensity that it took away my very breath.

Wordlessly, he bent his head slowly towards mine and I looked from his eyes to his lips to his eyes and once more back down to his lips. They were inching closer and closer and my body was frozen in anticipation.

The first touch of his lips on mine was so gentle, so light that it seemed accidental. He pulled away and I could hear him take a deep breath. His forehead was pressed to mine and I could feel his warm breath grazing against my face. My eyes were closed – I didn’t dare open them.

After what seemed to be forever, I felt his hand trace my jaw line lightly and lift my chin up and he kissed me again. It was a real kiss this time, no accidental touching, no fleeting graze of lips, it was the real deal. His lips were pressed to mine, his tongue tracing my lips, easing its way into my mouth, brushing against my tongue.

And I was reeling in his ecstasy.

…………………

Giles, I can feel his lips on mine right now. Our first kiss. It was beyond amazing and beyond miracles. It was him, it was me, and we were together. Words can’t even describe how I felt that night so sorry if my description is lacking.

But please… believe me.

I’m not even sure what to say right now so I’m going to lie back down and dream. Because sometimes in my dreams, he comes back to me and it doesn’t hurt anymore.

End of entry.

A/N: I just changed this chapter up... the bartender was originally Xander, but i changed him to Willy. When i wrote this originally, i was going to make Xander the bartender and I guess i forgot that because i ended up double-booking his character. So, yeah... Willy acts a little bit like xander. sorry for the mix up.

Chapter 5 Playing with Fire

Sunday, July 17th 2005

Fourth entry.

I took a walk out in the park today. It was really beautiful. I bought one of those corndogs that you can get in one of the venders on the side of the park. Normally, I find those disgusting, but compared to the food you guys feed us in this dump, it was like a gourmet meal.

Yes, I’m trying to tell you something. Something about the food…

Anyways, back to business, right?

So it all goes back to that same night… after the dance, after the amazing kiss, after he led me outside to the alleyway behind the Bronze and had me shoved up against the brick wall. I can almost see you wiping those glasses, Giles…

Same night… Sunday, April 3rd 2005

I wasn’t thinking straight anymore. All coherent thoughts were thrown out the window as his lips were pressed against mine and I lost myself to the feel of him. His hands were everywhere, cupping my face, clutching my arms, on my waist, my hip, sliding under my shirt. Everywhere he touched was fired up and my skin screamed for more contact.

And his tongue, god… his tongue. In my mouth, dancing with mine, tracing my jaw, licking my neck, doing wicked things that made my legs go jelly-like.

I wanted him so badly.

“Buffy…” his voice was muffled as he peppered kisses along my collar bone, following them with light nibbles and nips.

“Y-yeah?” I couldn’t find breath to talk with and I held on to the back of his head as my body arched against his, craving his hands, his mouth, his tongue. He was doing amazing things with his hands as they slipped their way under my shirt and glided up along my stomach. I was tingly all over. A thorough, complete, utter mess of tingles. I loved it.

“Tell… me to – “ he gasped as I pulled his head up to kiss him fiercely, wiping the words right from his mouth. I took my mouth away from his and gently bit down on his chin then kissed where I bit him.

“Tell you to what?” His hands found their way up to my breasts and slowly massaged them making me feel the shiver way down in my toes. I kept nibbling and kissing his jawline until I reached his earlobes, then I nibbled on that too. Oh god, he tastes so good…

“.. to stop,” he managed as I flicked his earlobe with my tongue and traced along the arc. His hands danced all over me and he pressed me harder against the wall.

Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop. Keep doing that… yeah…

I slid my hands up his firm, muscular arm, along his neck, until they were cupping his face. I pulled his face away from mine so I could look into his eyes. They were dark, clouded over with the lust and desire that had been building up since that very first doctor’s appointment.

Doctor’s appointment. Oh god, what the hell am I doing?

I swallowed hard and kept looking into his eyes. He must have felt the change because he slipped his hands out from under my shirt and just held me loosely at the waist.

“Do you – “ I swallowed again so I could get the words out. I was still a little breathless. “Do you want to stop?”

He leaned forward and pressed a chaste, lingering kiss on my lips.

“God, no,” he whispered against me. “But this… this is wrong.”

Yeah, it was wrong. But it felt so right. I wanted to take a step back so I could breathe without inhaling his scent – his tobacco and leather scent mixed in with a whiff of musky cologne.

I gently placed my hands on his chest and pushed him away. My body quivered from the loss of contact and the loss of the heat his body had been transferring into mine. He looked away and I thought I caught a trace of hurt and dejection.

“You’re right,” I agreed, hugging my arms around myself. I shivered. The chill of the night was slowly settling in.

“Yeah,” he scoffed and kicked some invisible pebble from the ground, “I’m right.”

I didn’t say anything to that. What could I say, anyways? You’re right, this is wrong, bye now!

What I really wanted to do was to step into his arms and stay there for the rest of the night. Being separated from him… that felt wrong. Not whatever we were doing a few seconds ago.

Finally, I decided to break the silence.

“Yeah… ‘cause I just met you and everything.”

He nodded and offered his own bit of insight.

“And you’re not even legal.”

I wanted to throw daggers at him with my eyes, but all I could manage was an angry release of breath. Did he have to put it that way? I was legal! Just not in the adult sense. And in the alcoholic-beverage drinking sense.

“And you’re like a slimy old man.” I snorted out.

He grunted and shot me an exasperated look.

“Now that’s bloody mature of you. With an attitude like that one, you’ll be growing a ripe old beard on your chinny chin chin in a matter of seconds. It’s doing wonders in adding years to your age, love.”

Oh, sarcasm. I ignored it.

“How old are you anyways?”

I watched him reach into his pocket and pull out a carton of cigarettes. He concentrated his gaze on it as he pulled out a stick and shoved the rest back into his pocket.

“Too old for you at the very least.”

That annoyed me. A lot. I almost growled but I reigned in my inner monster. He stuck the cigarette into his mouth.

“Answer the question.”

He reached into his pocket again and pulled out a lighter.

“Twenty-eight.”

He flicked his thumb and a little flame appeared, dancing around happily without a care in the world. He brought it up to the cigarette dangling from his mouth.

Twenty-eight. Well… it wasn’t that bad. Faith had a thirty year old boyfriend once, I felt like telling him. But I kept my mouth shut and focused on the little glow the cigarette butt made as it lit.

“That, and I’m your bloody physician, pet.”

“Yeah, speaking of physicians… aren’t you supposed to know something about health? You know… how smoking makes your lungs yucky and gives you syphilis or something?”

He shot me a look. If looks could kill… he’d be long gone by now, I decided, glaring at him as well.

“Doesn’t give you sodding syphilis.”

“I was just kidding.”

I looked up at the sky and saw that it clear. Moons, stars, shooting stars – or maybe it was just a plane overhead - I thought I could see the galaxy above. Sighing, I looked back down towards the beautiful man standing before me and slowly watched as the white smoke left his mouth and drifted higher and higher, fading into the night.

“Well… some people have doctor fantasies… something to do with the kinky.”

He let out a sharp laugh and turned his head away from me. I lifted my back from the brick wall. Ugh… my back was going to be extra sore tomorrow.

“What, love, you comparing us to sadistic animals and sex-craved monsters now?”

It was my turn to let out a sharp laugh. He waved his cigarette around in the air, showing his frustration.

“I’m just saying – “

“It’s wrong.”

I took a step closer to him and put a finger under his chin, turning his face around so he would look at me.

“Then why does it feel so right?”

He didn’t answer me and just continued to stare deep within the depths of my eyes. I took another step closer to him. We were only about an inch apart and I reached my finger up to trace the sharp edge of his cheekbone. His eyes closed and he leaned into my touch.

“You’re playing with fire here, pet.” he whispered into my palm. He flicked the unfinished cigarette into a nearby puddle and we watched it sizzle a little then lay still, limp and useless. I brought my other hand up to caress his other cheek and slowly brought his face closer to mine.

“Let it burn,” I said, softly.

He closed the distance between us by reaching out and wrapping his arms around me. Our lips met again.

It was different this time around.

………….

At that moment, Giles, all that was there was us. It didn’t matter that he was eleven years older than me, didn’t matter that he was my doctor, didn’t matter that we hardly knew a thing about one another. All that mattered was him and me and that we were together. Yeah, we were in our own little world that we created for ourselves and I guess we found out the hard way that the world we actually live in is not as nice. But that’s another tale for another time.

Anyways… hey Giles, are your glasses all shined up, now? Geezus, I honestly don’t get your problem with displays of affection. It’s only human. Not something morally wrong and degrading. What you need is to find yourself a woman.

So you see, what we had wasn’t wrong. I mean, yeah, we had some stuff we had to work through. It never was all daisies and sunshine, you know?

I’m thoroughly tired now. So this will be so long and farewell.

Until next time.

Here endeth the lesson. Or actually… the entry. Since your the one that’s supposed to be teaching me the lesson and all that…

A/N: The song in the beginning is by Dido. I forget the original name, but it's the same song that's featured in Eminem's Stan. If you listen to that song, just listen to the singing part and ignore Eminem. :)



Chapter 6

Tuesday, July 19th 2005

Fifth Entry.

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it's not so bad,
it's not so bad..

It’s raining again, Giles. There was this one tiny raindrop that I noticed a little earlier through the glass of my window. It started of on the third window pane and it was traveling down so slowly… so slowly, and it kept getting bigger and bigger as it bumped into the other little raindrops in its way. It was so fascinating to see it fall so slowly, so slowly.

Then it got washed out by another drop of rain before it even made it to the center of the window.

It’s so gray outside, Giles. It’s so gray outside…

There’s a picture of him next to me right now and it’s distracting me. God, how come I never noticed how beautiful his eyes were when he was happy and smiling? I never noticed how the sides crinkled… he’s so beautiful. So perfect.

He drove me home that first night because it started raining. The car ride was silent, I was too scared and too nervous to talk to him or even look at him. So I watched the rain fall down on the glass and the windshield wipers as it moved back and forth, back and forth, brushing away the water.

Same night… Sunday, April 3rd 2005

I saw the houses move past us as he pulled into my neighborhood. We hadn’t spoken a word to each other since the alley when he asked me if I needed a ride home. The radio played a slow song. Dido. It depressed me.

When he pulled onto my driveway and put the car on park, I realized that I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. So, I looked at him for the first time since we got in.

He was staring at the steering wheel, drumming it lightly with his thumbs. His jaw was clenching and unclenching and it didn’t take a genius to tell that something was bothering him. But I wasn’t sure what to do… talk to him? Ask when I could see him again? Walk out?

“So… this is it, then?”

My voice came out hoarse and raspy. It surprised me. That was when he slowly turned to face me. The way he tilted his head to study my face made me smile, it was adorable. But all I did was blush and look back at my house through the window. The rain was lessening to a drizzle now.

“Look, pet,” he got my attention and I turned back to him. “It was great… uh, you know,… meeting you and all, but this…”

I had heard enough.

“I understand.”

I looked the other way and reached out to open the door. I did understand. This night was for lack of a better term… amazing… but it was all too hurried. All too fast. But he stopped me by putting a hand on my arm.

“Wait… please just hear me out?”

His voice was soft and gentle, just like his touch. Nothing like back in the alley. I didn’t say anything, but I didn’t try to get out. I was curious, but I didn’t want to seem eager. Nothing to be eager about, really. He continued.

“I think you’re a great… girl and all. But that’s just the thing. You’re just a girl,” he caught the look on her face and added, “A very beautiful one, mind you. And incredibly mature for your age at that. But that’s not the point! The point is that you’re… you’re young and naïve and youthful and, uh, young … oh hell, I don’t know. What I’m trying to say is that you don’t need somebody like me.”

I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, but whatever it was seemed to be more for his benefit than mine. He paused and I waited for him. But, he never did continue, he just kept staring at me so I felt like I had to say something.

“Don’t worry about it,” I decided to shrug it off. It wasn’t worth the trouble. “I blame it purely on hormones. Bad, teenaged, naïve, young, stupid people hormones. How dare they take over me and make me do bad things to you in the alley.”

I was trying to be funny. That was what it was supposed to be, anyways. But nobody laughed. He just swallowed hard, nodded, and tried to help me.

“Yeah. That and the alcohol,” he provided. “Alcohol can make a man do funny things.”

“Of course,” a vigorous nod on my part, “alcohol and me are definitely not mixy things. Bad alcohol.”

“And the lights… “

“And, you know, with the romantic music.”

“Yeah, that’s it. The bloody music.”

We laughed but there really was no humor.

“Just so you know, I don’t usually make out with random people I meet, much less, my doctor.”

I reached over to give his hand a small squeeze and he smiled softly at me. There was another silence and the chorus of crickets reached my ears and drowned everything out. When I looked into his eyes, I could see stars. I almost turned around to look up at the sky, but his low voice stopped me.

“Believe me when I say this is the first time I’ve done this with a patient.”

I wasn’t really sure what I should say. It was all too awkward in general.

“Mhmm.” …pause... “But it was fun.”

He genuinely laughed at that. “That it was, pet. That it was.”

I opened the door and stepped onto my driveway. The lights were all out in my house.

I slammed the car door closed and leaned in to look at him through the window that he rolled down for me. “Well, it was … interesting. Have a nice night.”

Before any of us could say anything else, I ran to my front door, unlocked it, and slipped inside.

And that was that.

But at the same time, that was not that. As soon as I closed the front door, I ran straight to my room and threw myself down at the bed. I spent a good hour just lying down, thinking about absolutely nothing and absolutely everything.

When sleep didn’t seem to be coming anytime soon, I walked over to my window and opened it so I could climb out onto the roof.

The roof was my private spot. The only outlet I had to the chaos called the world and I went there whenever I needed to really think.

I remember that night, sitting on the roof and gazing out into the open night sky. It was beautiful to be up there with the slight breeze, tinged with wetness from the previous rain, tickling my skin and refreshing me beyond belief. The blackness of the night was broken by the orange, hazy streetlamp and the clear, white stars above.

I pretended that I saw a shooting star and wished upon it.

But I can’t tell you the wish, can I? Because then it wont come true.

A/N: song's by Avril lavigne. not a big fan of hers, but i think it fit.


Chapter 7 It’s a damn cold night

Thursday, July 17th 2005

Sixth Entry.

Isn't anyone tryin to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home
It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Wont you take me by the hand
Take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are
But I... I'm with you
I'm with you

I had a dream last night.

I’m standing on this bridge and its nighttime. Have you ever taken the time to look at the city during the night? The entire bridge is lit up with these tiny orange lights and you’re staring out into this vast body of blackness and right off to the side, you can see it in the corner of your eye, is this oasis of glitter. You just lean a little over the railing and tilt your head ever so slightly to the side and you see the tall buildings with the colorful, neon signs, excited sounds and noises, full of promise… hope … future. Then you look straight out again and you’re looking at the water. Black water that gleams under the moon and under the lights. Water with no reflection… just sparkles here and there.

The cars were zooming into the city behind me. The night was cold. I was tired. I don’t know, tired of everything, Giles. Tired of trying to keep living, keep going. Tired of being strong. Tired of being alone.

And the water was just there… beckoning to me. At that moment, it wasn’t pitch black coldness anymore. It was warmth… it promised me that it would help me rest. Take away the pain. God, Giles, I really wanted to just join it. I really just wanted to close my eyes.

And then he was there. I didn’t see him, I just knew he was there… a few feet away from me. I didn’t want to look up because what if he disappeared? But he talked to me. Giles, he talked to me… a whisper in the wind.

“Hello, Goldilocks.”

God, I couldn’t help it. I turned my head to look at him and there he was. His hands stuffed in the pockets of his leather jacket, his gentle smile in place of the usual cocky smirk, his eyes gleaming orange under the lights. He reflected the brightness of the bridge and the colors of the city that it led to.

And then… and then I woke up. I opened my eyes and there were no more orange lights. No more colorful twinkles of a beautifully lit up city. No more smile, leather jacket, eyes. All there was… was the darkness. The cold, stale air of my little room, the barred up window, the cement walls and freezing floors, the lumpy bed with the new, white sheets, the wooden desk with the holes in it, this journal,… his picture.

And… for the first time in a long time… I cried.

Friday, April 8th, 2005

Monday morning came about and I found myself back in my bedroom with a resolution to completely forget about Dr. Pratt. No more bleached blonde, blue-eyed, sexy Brits for me. No siree.

So that was why, five days later on Friday, I was mindlessly doodling his cheekbones in my English notebook for the sixth page since that fateful Sunday. No Brits for me, my ass. The truth of the matter was that I was so completely infatuated with him that I was beginning to worry myself. I don’t think I’ve ever doodled someone’s face in my notebook before. I’ve never constantly run anybody’s voice in my head over and over again and smiled dreamily whenever anybody mentioned railroad spikes or spiky spikes or any type of spike in general.

And, as it was, I was completely zoned out and was so distracted in the thoughts of him that I didn’t even notice when Ms. Calendar directed a question towards me.

“Ms. Summers, we’re waiting on your answer.”

Something poked my back and I blinked.

“I’m sorry,… can you repeat the question?”

I was a little irritated to be broken out of my little reverie and kind of embarrassed since everyone was looking at me with a smile on their lips.

And then the bell saved me.

I shot a smile of apology at Ms. Calendar. I was sorry for dosing off, especially since she was my favorite teacher and all.

Everyone was immediately springing out of their seats, grabbing their backpacks, talking, and getting out of the room as quickly as they could. I slowly got out of my seat, a little uncomfortable of the way my jeans were sticking to my sweaty legs. The weather was getting more and more humid each day.

Xander playfully poked my stomach where my shirt inched up when I stretched. I doubled over and laughed, slapping his arm. We had been friends since forever, before high school started and way before I became a cheerleader. But we never let life get in the way of our friendship and that was one thing I was incredibly grateful for.

“So, Buff,” he grinned, “you’re gonna go to Founder’s tonight?”

“Ugh, yeah, I kinda have to go,” I scrunched up my nose. I can’t believe I had completely forgot… “Being a cheerleader and all.”

I could’ve sworn I saw Xander’s eyes glaze over but it was instantly replaced with an even wider grin. He was just so weird sometimes.

“Why don’t you sound excited?” he asked.

“Because I’m not.”

He plopped his arm down on my shoulder as we saw Willow making her way towards us across the classroom.

“Aw, come on, Buff. What’s not to love? There’s hamburgers, hot girls, football, hotdogs, more hot naked chi-“

“Half-naked,” I corrected with a groan as I grabbed my backpack. Willow’s smile faltered a little bit as she came into our conversation.

“What’s half-naked?” she asked, blushing a little bit.

“The Buffster will be,” Xander’s smile was growing wider and wider by the second. I slapped his arm as we made our way through the rows and out of the classroom door.

“Bye ladies!” Ms. Calendar called out to us as she straitened out her desk.

“Bye,” Willow and I waved as Xander regarded her with an indignant look.

“Hey!” he protested. We giggled and pulled him out into the hallway.

Once we fell into the flow of the students hastily exiting the school building, Willow leaned towards me, her face almost entirely pink. I swear, she blushes at the smallest things.

“I didn’t know we were supposed to go naked!” she sounded horrified. Xander nodded, fervently.

“Didn’t you get the notice? All females age seventeen and up must be dressed in as little as possible – “

“Relax, Will, Xander’s just being stupid,” I rolled my eyes, “big surprise there.”

“Oh, thank goddess, I mean,” Willow looked relieved, “You know, with the people and the no clothes, not something I want to think – “ Xander stuck out a hand to stop her and closed his eyes.

“I’m imagining… shhh…” he squeezed his eyes harder. After a few seconds, his eyes popped open and he slung both arms around us happily.

“Ugh, do you have to be so repulsive?” Cordelia’s voice chimed in and we turned to see her swinging her hips, making her way towards us.

“I’m a big man. Watch me as I seduce you with my manly ways,” he puffed his chest out and threw his head back. I laughed as she mimed gagging behind her hands.

“Xander Harris? A man? Has the apocalypse come yet?” she snorted and waved an arm at him, “Puh-lease. Anyways, Buffy, if you’re done fraternizing with these social derelicts, can you please hurry up? We have to practice for the Founder’s Festival routine tonight. It’s in a couple of hours and we’re nowhere near where we need to be.”

With that, she seized my arm and promptly started to drag me down the hall in the opposite direction. I sighed and waved off Xander and Willow. I didn’t know what the big deal about the Founder’s Festival was. To me, it was all an overrated, time-old, tradition.

Ugh, so you’re probably wondering what Founder’s Festival is? Basically, it’s just a weekend-long celebration in honor of the founding of good old Sunnydale. Friday night’s a bonfire and barbeque on the beach. All the football players come out and do their thing, the cheerleaders dance, there’s fireworks, loud music, overcooked meat, beach volleyball, flag football, rowdy teenagers and gossiping parents, all that good stuff. Then, all Saturday long, there’s a carnival with a Ferris wheel, mini-roller coasters, cotton candy, more fireworks at night, you get the idea. Then there’s the town dance on Sunday.

As I said before, nothing to get excited about.

But apparently, this year was different. You could just feel the tension in the field as we were going through our routine over and over again and getting sweatier, more tired, and infinitely more disgruntled as each second passed.

“Is it really that hard for you guys to just move to the stupid rhythm?! You’re all off by half a beat!” Cordelia blew her whistle for the hundredth time in an hour. I shot Faith a look and we both rolled our eyes. Truthfully, I was amazed that Cordy hadn’t lost her voice yet what with all the yelling and screaming at us.

“Hey, Queen C!” Faith called out, arms dropping to her knees, panting a little bit. “Can you maybe lighten up like a lot? We’re off by half a beat… so what? It’s not like anyone’s gonna notice!”

Agreements were mumbled from all around as we collapsed on the green grass. It was only 3:30 pm, and the sun wasn’t being kind to us at all.

“No!” Cordy put her hands on her hips, “We have to be perfect! I’m the captain this year and I want everyone to be on time!”

“Well maybe if we had a better song, it’d be easier to keep with the freaking beat,” Amy glared in frustration. Her ponytail was frizzled in sweat and humidity.

“Yeah, Cordy,” I agreed. She shot me a look and I shrugged, “I love the song and all but you have to admit… the beat’s not that strong. It’s a great song to dance to but as a routine… “

“The song stays,” she was adamant and there was no changing her mind.

And that was that. We continued practicing for another hour before going into the showers to get ready for the big festival.

…………

Sorry, Giles. That’s all I can do right now since the big lumpy piece of mattress that is my bed is calling to me and I’m getting real tired. I’ll write more first thing tomorrow.

Right now… sleep is good.

Chapter 8 Founder's Festival

Friday, July 18th 2005

Seventh Entry

As I promised, Giles.

On the first day of Founders, my true love gave to me…

Friday, April 8th, 2005

One hotdog in a burger bun.

Faith and I were the first to arrive at the shore at 5:10pm. Cordelia and Amy were next and with them the rest of the cheerleading squad. The sun was still pretty high up there and the weather was nothing short of gorgeous. I always loved the beach because it always seemed so serene and quiet – it was a place for relaxing and keeping secrets. Especially at sunset or sunrise, when the water reflected the purple, red, and blues of the sky.

But right now, it was the gorgeous blue Pacific, peaceful waves rolling about, in and out of the shore. There were a lot of people bustling all about, setting up, getting ready for the big festival, that the peaceful tranquility of the ocean was missing - but even then, it was still beautiful. I could have just stood there in the sand with my head thrown back to enjoy the sun and warm breeze dancing over my skin if Cordelia and Faith hadn’t pushed me forward to help unpack.

“Let’s get a move on, B,” Faith hooked her arm in mine and led me to our trailer in the parking lot. “We need to unload drinks.”

“Sounds… like lots of fun,” I grumbled and let her drag me off to work.

If I thought the sun was nice before, I thought it was the epitome of evil, now. Going back and forth from the pavilion by the north end of the beach to the trailer in the south end parking lot didn’t seem so bad until I was walking down with my fourth cooler of soda and sweating like none other. The visor I was wearing was all damp from perspiration and my T-shirt was already soaked. The second I reached the pavilion covering, I dropped the cooler on the closest table and grabbed a diet coke from within.

The second I placed the cold drink on my cheeks, my entire body shivered deliciously. “Mmmm.” It felt really, really good.

“Way to get the drinks all gross,” Amy made me a face and proceeded to grab a Sprite of her own to put against her forehead. We sat down on the bench and stretched out our legs.

“I hope this weather doesn’t keep up,” I said, making some conversation. Amy nodded and pulled out a little tube of sunblock from her fanny pack.

“Want some?” she offered the tube to me. I declined. It was almost six and the sun would be going down soon. Plus, I didn’t want to smell like sunblock for the rest of the evening.

“No thanks.”

“It’s your skin cancer, B,” Faith joined us as she dropped her cooler down next to mine. She pulled off her T-shirt and shorts and tossed them to the side, then popped open a diet coke she stole from her cooler.

“Love the suit,” I admired. Sometimes I envied her. Faith always managed to look good in everything and right now she looked like a poster girl for Miss America. She grinned at me and shrugged.

“Hey, thought I’d show some U.S. of A. spirit,” she adjusted the straps to her bikini, “dress up for the occasion and all that great stuff.”

“No kidding,” I laughed, “you look like you cut triangles out of the American Flag.” She raised an eyebrow and smirked wickedly.

“Come on, you guys,” she nodded towards us, “why don’t you show off some skin. God knows it’s hot enough.”

“Later,” I told her, getting up and putting my unopened coke back into the ice cooler. Amy made a face at me then did the same.

“My mom won’t let me wear a two-piece until I lose some weight,” she told us, sadly, pulling off her T-shirt to reveal a black bathing suit.

“Lose what?” I pinched her side, “This? Come on, it’s like nothing.”

“Yeah, you look good,” Faith told her, getting up, too. “Ok, back to help out Miss Hitler and her Nazi brigade.”

We groaned in unison as we made our way back to the parking lot. Cordelia sent us an icy glare as we approached the trailer.

“What were you three doing? Taking a nap?” she snapped at us.

“Hey, chill for a second,” Faith snapped right back at her. “Or how about you chill for an hour or two? We were just taking a break, lighten up.”

The trailer was empty and the rest of us took off our sweaty T-shirts as we gathered around in a circle. Cordelia was wearing a blue, Prada bikini that looked like it might disintegrate in the water. Sometimes, I really didn’t understand her. Practicality was never her high-point, I guess.

Cars started pulling into the parking lot and we could see families start piling in from all around, carrying folding-chairs and blankets. Some high-school guys zoomed across the lot to park themselves right by us and rolled down their windows.

“Hey, babes,” a guy I recognized as Parker poked his head out and flashed us an appreciative smile. We ignored him as we grabbed the sound system and walked across the lot to set up on the beach.

Little children were running around everywhere and their fathers were all gathered together, attempting to build a bonfire. Different types of music were blaring out from radios all around the beach. Mothers walked together holding babies, setting up blankets, talking and gossiping. We could see other school clubs heading our way in matching shirts.

Cordelia, Melanie, and Rachel went over to ask some of the guys to help us set up our speakers as the rest of the team stretched and warmed-up.

“Ugh, do we have to wear the uniforms?” Amy complained when she saw Cordelia heading back with some football players and a cardboard box with our yellow and white cheerleading outfits in it. I sympathized with her, but what could we do?

The school band trailer was making its way into the parking lot that was starting to become crowded.

“Oh… no,” Faith took one look of them and covered her eyes. “It’s the band.”

I felt two arms wrap around my waist and looked up to see R.J. smiling down at me.

“Hey, baby,” he greeted, running his grubby hand down my stomach. I couldn’t help but grimace at him.

“Uh, hey,” I stepped away, pushing his arm off of me and turning around to face him. He was already in his football getup and looked like a hulking bear. The thought of that made me laugh, but I guess he took it as a happy smile.

Suddenly, music started blaring…

“Shimmy shimmy cocoa wha? Listen to me now
Light it up and take a puff, pass it to me now…”

“Sorry, gotta go,” I smiled at him and pushed him away as I fell into line. This was beginning to feel like a pep rally as we tumbled and flipped… the preparation before the real thing.

If this was anything at all, it was showing off. And oh boy, …I really liked showing off. I mean, what other school activity was there where you could shout, clap, shimmy, tumble, flip, and practically ooze your sexuality in a perfectly safe way? We were called cheerleaders for a reason.

A crowd of younger people had formed around us and were clapping their hands to the music as we each took our turns, tumbling down the length of the beach until we hit the icy water, then we would run back and take our place in the line again.

Moving like this had always got my heart pumping and after a few runs, I started feeling the adrenaline rush and that’s when the fun kicked in.

“Yeah! Come on, Faith! Yeeah!!” I shouted with the rest of the team as Faith did a back flip into the water and came up with her fists pumping the air.

The track changed to the YMCA song and Cordy stepped up to pick up a microphone.

“At this time, I’d like all children thirteen and under to come join us!” She shouted, enthusiastically, “Step right up! Kids thirteen and under!”

And they swarmed up to us, boys, girls, kindergarteners to fifth graders, pigtails, ponytails, braids, everybody as we led them through YMCA.

I looked up to see Xander standing with a mortified Willow a few yards back, miming the YMCA as we sang and I burst out laughing. He waved wildly at me and Willow smiled. The marching band was setting up on another end of the beach and the band members look positively miserable in their long-sleeved coats and their fuzzy hats. For the second time today, I thanked God that I wasn’t in their position.

Because you have to admit, dancing around wildly in a bikini was a lot more fun. I even pitied the football players in their huge shoulder pads and helmets. The sun was starting to set, but the heat hadn’t lifted, yet.

The bonfire was still small and under the pavilion, the town’s men had started up the grill and they were starting to pass out food. At the first whiff of burnt hotdog, the crowd around us dissipated and stormed the pavilion, plates out and forks ready. Cordelia turned down the music and we all stretched out, happy to have a little break.

I was about to lay in the sand next to Faith when I saw two tall men walking from the parking lot and towards the pavilion. One of them was dark-skinned and the other one had dark hair and broad shoulders. I didn’t know what it was about them, but I thought they looked familiar.

Faith followed my line of sight and whistled.

“Damn, two fine pieces of meat right there, huh, B?” she grinned, stretching out next to me.

“Huh?” I looked up. She caught me by surprise and I was sure that I started blushing.

“Don’t play with me,” she shook her head, “I saw you checking out their tight asses.” She looked again and nodded. “Definitely worth a go.”

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” I smiled sweetly and she smacked my arm. Just then, Xander and Willow made their way towards us with their hands full of food.

“Some fine, home-burnt hamburgers for the ladies,” Xander gallantly laid a plate before us and sat himself down. “A little bit on the black side, but no harm – well, no serious harm done.”

I realized my stomach was growling and I wasted no time grabbing a burger and taking as big a bite as I could.

“Mmm.. tanks ander, I wath weally hungwy.” Gah, it tasted so good. But I was so hungry, anything could have tasted good.

“Oh… kay… once more in people-speak!” Xander laughed at me. I glared at him and swallowed. Faith and Willow just stared on in what seemed to be admiration.

“Wow, she’s really going for it,” Faith tilted her head and squinted at me. I took another bite and stuck my tongue out at her. She made a face, “Okay, that was plain gross.”

Willow sighed and dug into her coleslaw.

“That looks good,” she stared wistfully at my burger. My mouth was full, so I just held up the remaining half, offering it to her. She shook her head, sadly. “Becoming a veggie-eater, remember? Nothing of the meat variety for Willow.”

We made with the small talk for a little while longer until we all heard a huge squeak of a loudspeaker being turned on.

“You’d think after a hundred or so years, they’d learn how to work that thing,” I groaned, clamping my hands over my ears. We watched on as our Mayor smiled at everybody from a podium.

“Well. What a day this is! - Special day. Today is our centennial the one hundreds anniversary of the founding of Sunnydale, and I know what that means to most of you kids today: not - a darn thing.” He waved his note-cards around to emphasize a point.

Oh my god… after a hundred or so years, the don’t change the speech!

I put my head in my hands and drowned out his voice as he droned on and on about the history of Sunnydale, about our journey and how we made it so far, yada yada yada. I guess I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember is Cordelia dropping pompoms on my head and the sky being almost dark.

I opened my eyes.

“Band’s playing,” was all she said.

I really couldn’t wait for the stupid festival to be over and for her to drop this uptight bitch façade she was currently putting up.

I pulled my uniform on over my suit and immediately felt like the temperature had risen by a lot.

It was either that or maybe it was because the second I looked up, my eyes connected with the blue eyes of the one person I was hoping not to see. Or maybe I was hoping to see him… at least in my subconscious. Either way, there he was, standing with the two men I had recognized earlier, staring at me like there was no tomorrow. Our eyes locked and I stopped breathing.

I was really and truly shocked to see him standing right there off to the side, focusing such an intense gaze at me that it could have knocked me off my feet. His hair was slicked back and his jaw was clenching and unclenching. I could practically feel the heat radiating off of him and it took all of me not to go running to him. Relax, relax, relax, I kept repeating to myself as I worked to control my breathing.

He broke eye contact first when the brunette man next to him pulled on his arm and motioned towards the pavilion. He nodded and turned to me one last time, but I avoided his gaze, not wanting my functions to lock up again. I decided to focus on the pompoms lying at my feet.

When I looked up again, he was gone. Cordelia was yelling something towards me and I realized that we were about to start our homecoming routine as the band started playing.

Normally, I got into the routine. It was something we had practiced on and off since the halftime show at our homecoming game a bunch of months ago. The band had obviously not practiced their part and seemed not to be particularly on time with one another, but I really didn’t notice anything as my mind was already fully occupied.

I went through the steps in a daze, my arms and legs just doing whatever they were trained to do and my mind wandering off to wherever he was. Everybody just kept on cheering and my ears drowned out the shouting to a dim roar as my eyes glazed over and I remembered the blue eyes that matched the ocean, the smirk that I wanted to kiss off his face.

Rah, bloody, rah. I heard his smooth accented voice in my ear as we chanted whatever the hell we were chanting. Rah, bloody, bloody rah.

I didn’t snap back into attention until Amy, Faith, and Melanie had their hands on my legs and I realized that I was in the air with my fists out and my other leg raised. All the noises came back and all the chanting and shouting suddenly filled the air and I found myself beginning to fall. Thank God for me, it was just in time as the song had just happened to end.

“Hey, what’s wrong with you tonight, B?” Faith asked me, “You seem a little out of it.”

“Going through the motions,” I mumbled and shook my head, trying to clear any thoughts of him out. “Sorry, Faith. Just thinking about things…”

“Alright,” she shrugged, indicating that it was all past now, “but pull it together for the finale, okay? Remember you’ve got that solo thing goin’ on.”

“Uh-huh,” I nodded, absently.

Then suddenly it hit me. The two men were the men I had seen in the picture at his office.

Oh yeah. How could I forget?

…………

And the lady in white is opening my door, now. It’s time to start the day, she says, smile all intact.

I don’t like her, Giles. She treats me like she knows me and talks to me like she thinks she knows what I’m thinking. But she doesn’t.

She thinks I should make friends here, but I don’t think she understands that I don’t want to. But you probably don’t want to know about this. Sorry.

I’ll leave you with this for now. And only because I want to savor what I’m about to write next. Sometimes putting things down on paper takes away the magic of the memories. And I wanted to keep the magic intact.

So, on to start the day!

A/N: Song's "Heaven" by DJ Sammie. There's a lot of remixes of the song and the one i'm thinking about right now is the techno remix.

Chapter 9 We’re in Heaven

Saturday, July 19th 2005

Eighth Entry

Do you ever wonder what heaven’s like? I do. Sometimes I sit by myself and think about it. The streets would be paved out of silver and the buildings would be lined with gold. It would look like Rome, with the beautiful architecture, statues, art. The sky would always stay light blue and the sun would never set. That is, until you’re in a gondola, floating out in the dark, still water with the moon shining overhead and the stars scattered across the sea. And there would be music. Romantic music everywhere you go and there would only be love.

I would wear a toga. A gorgeous white, satin toga decorated with the best fabrics… silk, velvet, adorn with pearls, jade, diamonds, anything my heart desired. The air would be warm and it would smell of strawberries, chocolates, perfumes, everything. It would be perfect.

And then he would be there, standing in the middle of the glittering, silver street with his arms outstretched, waiting for me to jump in them and twirl me around forever and ever.

cont… Friday, April 8th, 2005

The first night of Founder’s Festival seemed to start off like hell with the sun beating down our backs, Cordelia being the evil slave-driver, me seeing a glimpse of heaven and then heaven running off to hide under the pavilion. After we did our cheer with the band, we had about half an hour to have fun before the big finale.

I spent every minute of the half an hour trying to find him. Willow and Xander must have thought I was crazy when I shook my head to a game of volleyball.

“Aw, come on, Buff!” Xander complained, tossing a the ball in his hand and gesturing wildly towards the white net, “It’s tradition! You’re breaking a very important tradition!”

“Sorry, Xand,” I tried sounding sympathetic, but I was never really good at it, “I’m all tired out and I’ve got to save my energy, you know.”

He made a face that clearly stated no, he didn’t know, but I shrugged and walked away. I was on a hunt. The thing was that I wasn’t exactly sure why I was on this hunt. The only thing I knew was that for some extremely weird reason, I needed to talk to him… to see him. Every cell in my body was moving faster and faster and beginning to tingle in an excited anticipation. I needed him.

“God, what’s happening to me?” I groaned to myself as I approached the crowded pavilion. Suddenly, an arm snaked around me and I was seized by the waist.

Nononononono… I so don’t want to deal with this right now. But, of course, I was dragged to the side and spun around to face a very smiley-faced R.J.

“I saw you out there,” he leaned down to whisper in my ear. It was a little creepy and I shuddered involuntarily. But, he apparently misread my body signs as … a shiver of anticipation?

Oh, please.

“Yeah, um, lots of people saw me there!” I said cheerfully and tried extracting myself from his arms, but his grip tightened around me. He bent his head to kiss my neck. To tell the truth, if this was a few weeks ago, I probably would have went along with him and we’d be making out in the shadows by now. But it wasn’t a few weeks ago, and right now, I wasn’t interested at all. So I pushed him away.

“What’s wrong, Buffy?” he asked me, smile still on his face.

“No offense, R.J., but I really really don’t want to do this,” I stepped back and my back collided into a tall wooden column. He took a step closer.

“You sure, babe?” his voice was down to a whisper and his arms were trying to make their way around me, but I slapped them back.

“Yeah,” I grit my teeth. What was wrong with him? Couldn’t he take a hint? “In case you forgot, we’re not exactly dating.”

“But we could be.”

Ever so persistent. And it was beginning to annoy me.

“I don’t want to, okay?” I raised my voice as he stepped closer and closer. Suddenly, there was a divine intervention, and I was saved by an angel.

“I think the lady said she didn’t want to,” somebody grabbed onto R.J.’s arm and pulled him away from me. I almost sighed in relief.

“What the hell, man?” R.J. glared at the tall, dark-haired man. The man took towered over him and he backed off. “Fine, she’s not worth it anyways.”

After he scampered off, my divine-intervention-angel turned to look at me and I nearly gasped out loud. It was the man from the picture! The very… hot, gorgeous, broody man from the picture!

“You okay?” he asked, brow lifting and seeming concerned. I nodded.

“Yeah, it was really… nothing I couldn’t handle,” I smiled, “but thanks for that.”

“It’s no problem,” he smiled back and stuck his hand out. “I’m Angel, by the way.”

I took his hand and bit my lip to keep from laughing. Saved by an angel… named Angel. What were the odds?

“Nice to meet you,” we shook hands, “I’m Buffy.”

His eyes seemed to widen a little bit, but he turned away before I could really work out his expression. Must be the name. People always get that look when I tell them my name.

“Well, uh,” he scratched his hair, making it stick up a little, “Nice meeting you, I have to, uh, you know, … go.”

So he did and left me standing there alone, a little confused and a lot distressed. Oh well, back to my hunt.

“Yo…B! Hey, where the hell were you!” Faith intercepted me halfway through my careful perusal of the packed pavilion, which was pretty much going nowhere. It was really hard to look for someone in such a crowded place. People were running around all over the place and I wasn’t exactly the tallest person in the world, otherwise, I would’ve just looked over their heads…

“Around, why?” I wasn’t sure what she wanted, but Goddammit, could it wait?

“The queen bitch is going crazy,” Faith rolled her eyes, and mimicked Cordelia’s voice, “ ‘Anyone not down here in five minutes is gonna get their asses kicked off the damn squad!’ so lets get a move on.”

I felt like screaming, but I just followed Faith out of the pavilion, past the bonfire, past the band, the theater people, the football players, back to our area where half the girls were already back in their outfits and stretching.

I have to admit, after listening to Cordelia yell for what seems to be a lifetime, you start to drown her out and do your own thing. So I ignored her as I put on the little yellow skirt and the yellow and white top that I had to wear, ignored her as I stretched out and did a few warm-up somersaults, ignored her as we lined up and shook ourselves out to get ready.

“And now, I have the pleasure to present Sunnydale’s finest,” the guy with the loudspeaker drawled out, “Sunnydale’s most beautiful, Sunnydale’s very own cheerleaders!!”

Please, could it get any more corny than that? Apparently so, since Cordelia let out an earth-shattering cry and everybody – the band, the athletes, the school clubs that were in our way – parted like the red sea so we would have room to do our thing.

I loosened my shoulders as I took the lead with Cordy, trying to look at anything but the crowd that had grown silent as they watched us.

Then the music started and I closed my eyes to go through the motions.

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven

Techno. We’re in Heaven. DJ Sammie. Cordelia was really into that kind of thing. I opened my eyes and they locked with a piece of heaven itself as I found myself staring at the man in black with the yellow-white hair that glowed in the dark and the blue eyes that could light a fire within. Oh yeah, we’re definitely in heaven.

We're in heaven

Something about seeing him set something off inside me. I wasn’t just dancing and tumbling anymore… I was performing. I was giving the audience a show. I was giving him a show. And suddenly, we were the only ones there.

Oh, thinkin' about our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothing can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
That's over now
You keep me comin' back for more

I saw his tongue curl behind his teeth as he smirked at me and gave me a daring look as I flipped into Amy and Melanie’s arms and was tossed in front of him. I raised an eyebrow as he looked me up and down when I had my hands on the sides of my hips as I danced for him and for him alone. Yeah, he was all that I wanted.

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

We're in heaven

My gaze never left his as he moved around the inner circle of the audience, his stance predatory and his expression serious. The crowd cheered as we did a complicated formation but I didn’t even notice them.

Now nothing can change what you mean to me
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way

I could have hugged Cordelia right there in the middle of our routine in front of hundreds of people. Hugged her for her foresight with the song. The song meant everything. And I tried to tell him that as he kept his eyes on me.

Baby you're all that I want
When you're lying here in my arms
I'm finding it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And lovin' is all that I need
And I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see,
We're in heaven

Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
I'll be standing there by you

We're in heaven

And your loving is all that I need
When I'm finally there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
We're in Heaven.

The crowd went wild as we froze, our chests heaving and our breaths erratic from that vigorous routine we had practiced on and on every afternoon in the blazing sun. It had paid off. There were whistles, catcalls, bellows, but all I could hear was the slow clapping of his hands and all I could see was his face as he nodded.

Then he backed up and disappeared off into the crowd.

Wait, what? I got up and dusted myself off. Where did he go? Where was he? Why?

“That was amazing,” Cordelia squealed and gave me a hug that took all the breath out of me. I hugged her back, but my eyes were scanning the heads of the audience, trying to find the bleached one that had been there a few seconds ago.

Why did he leave?

“Nice job, B,” Faith slapped my back. “You really did it. They loved you.”

Parents swarmed up to hug their daughters and congratulate them. Thus ending Founder’s Festival, Day One. Formally.

But my parents weren’t there. I already knew they wouldn’t be, but somehow, that didn’t stop the pang in my heart as I looked around for their familiar faces. Yeah, yeah… they even told me that they had to be on a business outing. That it was just a little performance and they’ve seen me dance a million times already.

But that pang was mellow and nothing compared to this emptiness that I was feeling. Because he wasn’t there.

People around me gave me hugs, high-fives, told me I did a great job, and I thanked each and every one of them.

I took off my uniform and threw it into the box with all the other discarded yellow and white outfits. I was only in my bikini and I was a little cold, but it was really no big deal.

“Hey, ready to head out?” Faith’s voice broke through my dazed mind. I looked at her and saw that she was smiling and holding up our purses.

“Nah,” I shook my head and took my purse from her. “I’ll hang out here for a little bit. Don’t worry about me, I just want to think some things through.”

She nodded and turned towards the parking lot. I turned the other direction and stared off into the peaceful Pacific.

It was finally dark and in the ocean, I could see the silver reflection of the moon wave back and forth as the water rolled about. I breathed in and caught a slight hint of the smoke from the dying bonfire and the food that was half-eaten, half thrown away.

The clean-up crew had arrived and was going around, collecting garbage. For a second I contemplated helping them, but I decided to wander off on my own.

Founder’s Festival. Whoop de freaking do. I still didn’t see the big deal.

I made my way to the edge of the public beach to a more secluded area that was close to the forest. It was rougher, with a few boulders and large rocks near the sandy area and little patches of grass here and there. The sand was colder and less fine and I walked along the edge of the water, feeling the cold liquid come up over me feet and recede, come up, recede.

I breathed in again and smelled the freshness of the air which made me smile. It was starting to get cold, so I wrapped my arms around myself and walked over to a boulder to sit down and just… think.

What was it about tonight that made me feel so … alone? I saw parents with their children, brothers playing with sisters, fathers talking amongst themselves over barbeque, friends chatting, girls flirting with guys… and I felt sad. Despite the fun and light atmosphere, the loud cheering that still made my voice hoarse, the tumbling, flipping, cartwheels, everything that usually made me happy… I felt like I was dead. Despite the occasional adrenaline rush before a routine, I had been closed off and dazed the entire night. Except for that one dance.

When I saw him, I had suddenly become alive. I smiled and chanced my luck, dancing for him and him alone. I loved it. Showing off for him, beckoning him with a sway of the hips, thinking of him as I went through my movements. It wasn’t about just going through the motions anymore, it was something else entirely.

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to feel this. He sure as hell wasn’t, since he ran away and all.

Why did he run away anyways? Especially then of all times? Was he scared? Oh yeah. That’s right. Whatever we had was supposed to mean nothing.

But that was bullshit and we both knew that. Right? If it was nothing, I wouldn’t have these insane thoughts or gahhh!!

“Ughhh,” I groaned out loud and buried my head in my hands. “I’m not supposed to feel this way…”

I felt like screaming and throwing something. Something sharp and dangerous and preferably through his stupid, British, bleached blonde head. That was how frustrated I was with myself and him. All his stupid fault.

“It’s all his fault, dammit,” I muttered to myself.

And suddenly everything froze as a velvety voice purred at me from behind me.

“Talking to yourself, love?”

(continued in next chapter)

A/N: This meeting is really important so i wanted to drag it out. Sometimes i get the feeling that a lot of things i write seem to be too rushed, and i wanted to take my time with this.

Hope you enjoy!

Chapter 10 Lost in the Stars

cont… Friday, April 8th, 2005

”Talking to yourself, love?”

I’d be lying if I said that hell didn’t completely freeze over and I felt as dandy as a dandelion. As always, my breathing just stopped and my head started spinning. It always happened when he was around. I was scared. Mostly of what I might find when I turned around and what it might mean if I actually did turn around. Maybe it was all my imagination.

Maybe he wasn’t standing there behind me with that cocky smile on his face and devious eyes shining under the stupid, stupid moon. So I closed my eyes and counted to ten.

1… 2… 3… 4… I didn’t need to get to ten because I heard the leather of his duster rustle as he took a step towards me.

“Don’t,” I whispered, hating the hoarseness grating from my voice due to all the cheering. He stopped dead in his tracks. I didn’t need to turn around to know that he was flexing his hands in and out and tilting his head in his little way.

I wanted him to say something. Protest, maybe. Or make small talk and remind me that there was really nothing between us besides a little lust and a smidgeon of what could have been friendship if our lips hadn’t gotten in each other’s way. That, and also the certain patient-doctor relationship, but that flew out the window a long time ago in the running.

But he just stood there, rocking back and forth in his stupid, black, combat boots.

I got tired of waiting for him to talk, so I got up from my boulder and walked down to the water. He followed me as I made my way to the shoreline and we stood side by side watching the soft lulls of the ocean waves.

It was really quiet. The only things I could really hear were the soft, gentle splashes of the water and the steady breathing of the man next to me. A few stars twinkled and disappeared.

He was the first one to break the silence.

“It, uh,” he turned his head towards me, “it matches your eyes. Brings out the green in them.”

I looked down at myself. I was wearing an emerald green string bikini lined with sparkly green stones at the edges that seemed to glitter in the moonlight as I moved. He was studying my face and I had to stifle the little giggle that came to my throat.

“Thanks, even though… you really can’t see color that well in this,” I nodded out to nowhere in particular, “well this.. lack of lightness.” Very articulate, Buffy. Very articulate. I almost kicked myself.

He chuckled quietly and shuffled his feet. I looked up at him and couldn’t help the smile from forming on my mouth. It was just… he was so… so … perfect right now. The ridges of his cheeks and nose were darkened with shadows and his angular face was outlined with the sleek white glow from the moonlight. Each feature seemed sharper, the hollows of his cheeks sank deeper, and his skin shone like alabaster against the dark night around us.

“How’ve you been?” I asked him after a few seconds of silent scrutiny. It just seemed like the right thing to say.

“Busy,” he looked away quickly and rapidly nodded his head. “Been very busy with the… work. You?”

“Yeah, me too,” I nodded, also looking away. “Getting ready with the squad…” and then I made with the babbling, “you know, that cheer. Cordy – uh, the captain, - she’s been working us to like literal death. Because today was very, very important with the town being founded and the mayor and everyone looking… and what are you looking at?”

Somewhere in the middle of my ramble I had turned to look at him again and caught him staring at me with this half-smile on his lips. He didn’t answer me immediately.

“You were great tonight, pet,” he reached his hand out to my face and made like he was going to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear, but his hand never got there. Instead, he dropped it before he made any contact with me.

“Really?” I smiled. He thought I was great.

“Oh, yeah,” he assured me. “You looked professional, you did.”

“Huh. Professional,” turn to water. Again. It was beginning to be the safe base for both of us when looking at each other proved to be too much. Professional? He nodded. We were doing a lot of nodding.

“Almost like,… uh, what do you call them, those birds who dance on stages. The way you moved your arms were bloody magnificent. When I saw you, I thought you looked so… graceful and smooth and, oh, sod it all to hell.”

He took two fluid steps towards me and my head snapped back to lock onto his face as he closed whatever distance there was between us. Both our breathing became louder and unsteady as he leaned towards me.

“When I saw you tonight,” he brought his face closer to mine and closed his eyes, “Bloody hell, I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The way you … moved… you were so … it was like all there was, was you. I have absolutely no idea why you do what you do to me.”

His forehead was pressed against mine and his hands were gently tracing the edge of my face; I could feel his breath tickle my skin as he talked and I opened my mouth to breathe deeply. He went on with his speech.

“I feel like you’re in my blood, Buffy,” he whispered in my ear and I shuddered, “one look from you and I’m not the same man I thought I was anymore. You make me burn, love. Seeing you tonight… “

He didn’t finish his sentence and I could feel his lips move towards mine like a magnet attracted to another. And I pulled back. God help me, I really did. I pulled away from him.

“You ran away,” I accused him, my voice scratchy and deep. “I looked for you and you were just poof! Gone! I mean… aghhh!” I screamed in frustration and turned away from him. “You can’t just do that. You can’t be here next to me and say you want me one second, then run away with your tail between your legs the next. Because, believe it or not, this is me.”

I whirled around to face him again and saw his jaw set in a straight line and fire coming out of his eyes.

“I can’t be your one-time-lets-make-out-in-a-freaking-alley partner one day and be off-limits-you’re-my-patient … person the following! I don’t work that way! Spike, you either want me or you don’t. No mistakes, no accidents, because I – I don’t think I can deal with that,” I think I might have choked up, because I had to pause to steady myself. “This whole week? I’ve been trying to forget.”

He suddenly grabbed me by the arms and shook me.

“And what do you think I’ve been doing, huh? I can’t seem to get you out of my head!” he threw his hands down, frustrated. “I’ve tried everything! I went out, I talked to my pals, I tried taking a vacation, I went places - nothing works! Everywhere I turn, you’re there! Every corner I walk around, I see you! Buffy, you’re everywhere! God, you’re like – you’re like the very thorn in my bloody side. I can’t move without you just – pricking me where it sodding hurts.”

I stared at him, a little shocked. I wasn’t sure what to think… should I be insulted? happy? regretful? Oh hey, I’m sorry I bother you so much?

“And it’s all your fault,” he pointed at me. Okay, that bothered me. My fault?

“Mine?” I think my jaw dropped. He was blaming me because he couldn’t forget about me. Of course he’d do that! Now I remember why I hate dealing with any sort of species with any resemblance of a dick on them!

“Yeah. Yours.” he emphasized. “If you hadn’t needed that bloody appointment then I would have never met you and I would be perfectly… normal! I wish I never met you!”

“You do?” I backed away, hurt. God, he knew how to really hurt me.

“You drive me crazy, you know that?” he looked at me again with those blue eyes of his and his features softened as he smiled. “You drove me crazy with one little kiss. And the thing is, I don’t even have a remote idea of who you really are. But what I do know is – that I want to. God knows a woman who can get into my head like you… she must be worth getting to know.”

Spike held out a hand to me and I stared at it for a few moments before taking it in mine. I was stunned and I numbly followed him as he pulled me closer and led me along the edge of the water.

“You know,” I smiled quietly, looking ahead, “you can’t tell me you wish you never met me… and just expect me to go wherever you want to take me.”

He intertwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand.

“Thing is, love… if I never met you, I don’t think I would ever know what this – whatever it is – feels like,” he held my hand tighter and I leaned into him lightly as we kept walking, “I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. Excited… passionate… eager… and my insides keep doing this funny flipping thing, I don’t know what seems to be the matter with it.”

He looked down at his stomach and I slapped his arm playfully, giggling wildly as he lunged at me with a light growl.

“S-stop!” I laughed like crazy and doubled over as he lightly ran his fingers down my sides, tickling me. He fell over on top of me as I went down in the sand, trying to roll away from his waggling fingers. Nobody’s tickled me like that since I was ten and I was squirming around like a madwoman.

The laughter that erupted within his chest was light and deep at the same time, rumbling through the cool breeze and making me shiver.

“You’re cold?” he stopped immediately when he noticed the goose-bumps crawling over my skin and felt me shake a little. I shook my head, but he shrugged his leather jacket off anyways and pulled it over my shoulders as I sat up in the sand.

“Thanks,” I smiled gratefully, slipping my arms through and pulling it tighter around me. He sat up next to me and put an arm around my shoulders, warming me with his body heat.

“Looks better on you anyways, Goldilocks.”

He was a gentleman. I could see it in the slight turn of his lip as he stared out into the wide open Pacific ocean and the little twinkle in his eyes that reflected the stars in the sky. The moment felt so surreal… so perfectly unbelievable that I was afraid to move. Afraid that it might have all been a dream and this gorgeous man next to me was a figment of my imagination.

The sand was cold and smooth and my toes were washed with a dose of cool ocean water as the water rolled up the shore. He kicked off his shoes and threw them away absentmindedly and I couldn’t help but smile.

“This is nice,” I commented, content with resting my head on him and staring out into the black horizon.

It really was nice. Sitting on a secluded beach with your lover, silently, just thinking about each other as you lose yourself in the black waves in front of you. It’s always been one of my fantasies. Well, one of my safer fantasies. It just seemed to be so romantic. I always imagined an orchestra in the background, but then again, that’s just me. Cheesy romantic to the bone.

………..

“So what do you do?” I finally spoke, breaking the romantic spell that we were both under. He looked at me with a question in his eyes. “Well, I figure we should get to know each other better. So… what do you do? Besides… examine people and stuff.”

He chuckled and leaned back and crossed his arms under his head. I followed suit and stretched out next to him. My eyes widened as they focused on the wide universe above us. Wow, the stars really do look different from this vantage point… they were like a blanket covering us and it reminded me once again that there was a huge expanse of world out there other than just him and me.

“Well, uh,” he started, then twisted his head towards me, “promise not to laugh?”

“Cross my heart,” I drew an ‘x’ on my chest with my finger. He looked back up at the stars.

“I like to write poetry,” he said, quickly and closed his eyes. “Go on. Poke fun, you know you want to. It’s a right poncey pastime, I know it. But that’s what I do.”

I snuggled closer to him. I couldn’t believe how adorable he was with his eyes screwed shut and his face contorted in embarrassment.

“I’m not exactly sure what poncey means, but I think writing poetry is really great,” I told him. “It sounds so… romantic. I’d like to hear it some day, if you’re okay with it.”

“Thank you,” I saw him smile and open his eyes. “See I’ve always wanted to be a big, famous rock star when I was younger,” he chuckled wistfully. “I’d write poetry and turn them into songs. It was nice but father wouldn’t hear of it. ‘Not a proper living for a lad like you’, he’d say. Right bloody git he was, too. We were never… never really close.”

“Neither are my parents and me,” I told him. All they ever do is… be away. “See, they’re never really around. I was hoping they’d come today, but who was I kidding? Of course they couldn’t come…”

My voice trailed off and Spike moved his arm to rest under my head and pulled me closer. I rested my cheek on his shoulder and sighed. He was so warm compared to the rest of the night and I wanted to rest in his arms forever.

There was another moment of complete, comfortable silence as we took comfort in each other and lay under the vast magnificence of the sparkling sky.

“Amazing, isn’t it?” he marveled, staring up at the stars. “I used to try counting them back in the day. Every time I come out at night and just look at them, I’m just reminded that there really is some beauty in the world. After all the wars that people fight, you’d think there would never be anything other than raging chaos, and then you look at the stars and… you know you’re wrong. Rather comforting, it is.”

I lifted my head to study the awed expression on his face and brought an arm around to trace it lightly.

“You really are a poet,” I smiled at him in wonder. There really couldn’t have been any girl luckier than me that night, to be lying in the arms of someone as wonderful as him.

“And after all that sweet-talk about star’s beauty and so forth, I think I was proven wrong again,” his voice lowered as he faced me. “To me, you put the bloody stars to shame. You glow brighter than anything out there… you’re… effulgent.”

Effulgent? It was a good thing it was nighttime and the darkness masked the blush that I knew was growing over my cheeks.

“And that one gets all the girls, doesn’t it,” I giggled and buried my head in the crook of his neck. He stroked my hair and I could feel him start to smile.

“Wouldn’t know,” he said softly, “never tried it before. Did it work?”

I pressed a kiss to his neck. I couldn’t help it, I just had to.

“Yeah,” I told him, “it really did.”

After a few seconds, he asked me a question. “So what do you do besides, you know, school and stuff,” he mimicked me in a teasing voice. I slapped his chest playfully and he hugged me closer.

“I like to dance.”

“As I witnessed today, pet,” he chuckled.

“Well, cheerleading’s … eh. I mean really dance. Ever since I was five and saw the Nutcracker, I knew that all I would ever want to do is twirl on that stage. I don’t know what it was about it,… the gracefulness, the beauty… I just wanted to be like them. The ballerinas.”

Silence.

Then suddenly, he jumped to his feet and reached out a hand to me. Huh? Surprised, I took his hand and let him pull me up. The leather jacket fell from my shoulders and lay forgotten on the sand that seemed blue in the hazy night.

I squealed as he suddenly lifted me up and spun me around in the air. My hair flew everywhere and whirled around and around in the breeze that picked up as I twirled with him.

“May I have this dance, my fair lady?” he asked with a grin after putting me down. I stepped close to him and put one hand on his shoulder and another one in his outstretched hand.

“It’d be an honor,” I whispered as I tiptoed and pressed my mouth against his ear. With a quiet rumble of his throat, he started humming to a tune I didn’t know.

I don’t think I’ve ever had so much fun in my life, dancing with him on the soft sand of the beach in the single moonlight that had grown so bright as to illuminate everything with a silvery blue haze. I could practically hear my fantasy orchestra swooning as he spun me out and snapped me back to his chest.

His face glowed and I imagine mine must have been glowing, too. There was this wide smile and this happy gaze and everything around us lit up as we laughed with each other and twirled around in the stars.

“When everything around us is sound asleep, there’ll be only you and me, and we’ll dance to eternity,” he sang in a deep low voice that made my heart melt as he held me close so my back was pressed to his chest. “You, me, and the stars surrounding us, Beauty setting is oh, so glorious, Lovely lady wont you look at the light, behind you, loving you as the night..”

He turned me around so he was looking in my eyes and we stopped dancing.

“I don’t know that song,” my voice was barely audible. I was afraid I’d break our moment.

“Me neither,” he said, his voice level with mine, “that’s because I just made it up.”

His hold around my waist tightened as he brought me closer to him. My heart was racing and I thought I could feel his heart too, under his thin, black shirt as my body molded and melted with him. His breath was warm against my skin and his hands lightly touching my back seemed to light me on fire. I licked my lips as he drew closer and closer and my eyes flickered between his own and his lips and I knew. At that exact millisecond of life, I knew.

And the next millisecond dragged out for what seemed to be forever as his lips slowly descended and my eyelids fluttered down of their own accord. All my senses seemed to shut down as they all raced in anticipation for the exact moment his lips would meet mine.

When we finally closed that distance and his lips finally grazed mine timidly, I wasn’t Buffy, the high-schooler, cheerleader, whatever I was anymore. And he wasn’t Spike, the man, my doctor, anymore. We were just us. Two people. Two specks in an ocean of scribbles. And all there was, was him and me, me and him. We weren’t just kissing. There was no such thing as kissing anymore. We were crossing an ocean, climbing mountains, making our way through deserts. If this wasn’t destiny… I don’t know what was. God, fireworks don’t even described the sensations I was feeling as I grasped his forearms for dear life.

He tasted faintly of smoke and mint and … you know those senses that shut down a few seconds ago? They suddenly woke up and were now running in overdrive. I was seeing the stars in the sky and was reeling in the galaxy. I was hearing a beautiful rush of music as the violins swelled in time to the crashing of the ocean’s waves. I was feeling his lips against mine, his tongue tickling me, his tongue … gahh. It was everything yet nothing like that one night in the alley.

That night was a rushed drive of lust and this? This was something else. This was what you found in romance novels and always wished you could feel the same sensations. Except the sensations I’ve read in those novels? Nothing like what I was feeling now.

The next thing I knew was that he was gently lying me down on the soft sand and I was looking up into his dark, smoldering eyes. His face was darkened with shadows and I could see a trace of the night’s glow defining the sharp angles of his face. And I knew that I wouldn’t be leaving this beach without feeling him. Without taking all of him and without him taking all of me. I just knew it in the look of his eyes and in the rush of the moment that I would be giving him all that I could offer. And it scared me.

He hovered over me, seeming indecisive and I reached up to tug at the hem of his shirt. I kept my eyes on his face the entire time as I lifted his shirt up and I caught the growing smile on his face as he realized what I was doing. His awed look encouraged me and I slowly pulled his shirt over his head and flung it aside.

He bent down to cover me with his body and kissed me again. God, I couldn’t control the moans from leaving my mouth and I had no power over my hands that were running down his bare back, feeling each curve of every muscle ripple and quiver under my touch. He was sensational.

I pulled him up and admired his chest with exploring hands as I slowly traced the lines of his hard body. He hissed and I shivered. When my hands reached his jeans, he stopped me.

“I don’t have a condom,” he said, suddenly, as if he just remembered. We were both softly panting and at first, my eyes widened at this admission. Then I remembered something else.

“I’m on the pill,” I told him and saw his face relax. Thank god for birth control.

I sat up and felt his hands snake behind me to work on the strings keeping my bikini in place. After a few seconds, I heard him curse and mutter to himself.

“Bloody … sodding… stupid,” I laughed as his brows furrowed in frustration. I decided to help him and pushed his hands away to work on the tie myself. He froze as he watched me reach back and untie the knots with ease.

I was nervous. It was the nervous anticipation you get in your lower back and your stomach when you know something really incredibly great is coming your way and you’re scared, yet very excited. I don’t know if I make sense. The point is that I was nervous.

And that hungry look he was giving me… made my nervousness multiply by billions. I let the top fall loose around my neck and he gently picked it up and lifted it away from my body. He must have detected my nervousness because he leaned down to kiss my lips softly, taking away my fears. Well, some of them at least.

“You’re beautiful, love,” he said against my mouth, voice all low and husky. “You’re a goddess.”

I let myself fall backwards against the tiny grains of sand that moved out of the way and massaged my back, pulling him on top of me as I laid down on my back. He held my gaze as his hands trailed the length of my torso until they reached the bottom half of my bikini.

“You’re sure?” he asked me one last time and I nodded.

“I want you,” I reassured him with a smile. He kissed me once more and in a fast, fluid motion, rid me of the tiny scrap of clothing. I grew to realize that one thing I was beginning to love about him was the way he kept his eyes on me the entire time, as if he was reading my mind and delving into my soul. I knew that if there was any hint of hesitation behind my eyes, he would stop immediately.

“Is this your, uh, … are you a – “ he hesitantly asked me and I shook my head. No, it wasn’t exactly my first time, but what the hell. I’ve never felt like this before. He pulled back a little bit, holding himself up with his fists and I noticed the way his eyes seemed to cloud up at my admission and I almost huffed in exasperation.

“And I’m sure you’re not, either,” I propped myself up on my elbows and regarded him with a look. “And I don’t care. I don’t care about anything right now. Can it please just be you and me as people. We’ll forget about the past and circumstances just for tonight. Please?”

And I didn’t need to say anything else because he pounced on me and we rolled in the sand, grabbing each other, trying to feel as much as we can. His mouth devoured mine and I closed my eyes to revel in all the sensations he was bringing me as we tumbled down the shore, getting sand all over the place. But I didn’t care.

His pants were off and he entered me before I knew what was happening and I let out a little yelp of surprise which soon turn to a sigh of contentment.

Fireworks? Yeah. Glittering lights? Oh definitely. Heavenly buzz? Lots of it. I didn’t know what to do besides go with instinct and desire as we moved together.

Words wouldn’t do what I was feeling justice. There was no way to describe it. Maybe… heavenly? Too cliché. Ecstasy might be a good word. I was on a high and my mind was reeling from it as I screamed. I didn’t know I was a screamer. But yeah, his names were on my lips as I repeated them over and over again.

“Oh my god!… Spike…..Spike spike..spikespikespike!”

Yeah, something like that.

And then the world went black as I tumbled through the Milkyway galaxy like a shooting star.

When I finally reached earth again, I turned my head to find Spike sprawled out next to me, his eyes looking into mine with amazement.

“So, kitten,” he finally said, panting a little bit. “Have you ever made love in the ocean before?”

And with an excited squeal, I rolled onto my feet and took off into the cold, black water. “Catch me if you can!” I shouted back at him in delight and looked over my shoulder.

He leapt to his feet and with a playful growl, dove into the water after me.

…………

Yeah, Giles. I’m pretty sure you skimmed over the last part of my entry with a hanky at the ready. Do you have children? Sorry. Impulsive question.

A lot of things about me are just plainly impulsive. Like that night at the beach with Spike? There was no planning. Just us. It was painfully romantic. Cheesy, right?

I suppose.

But you know? You couldn’t give me a million bajillion dollars to erase that memory from my mind.

A/N: Okay, I know everyone likes the smut and the ... uh.. descriptive words, but that really isn't my style. I tried going with the emotions more and this chapter's supposed to be more about the romance and more about how they're growing to love each other instead of the sex. Plus the fact that I'm not comfortable with the sex and stuff. I'm sorry if that bothers anybody... but yeah, don't expect any smut anywhere in the story. Personally, I think "penis" and "pussy" would really take away from the story's feel... but you can imagine it all in your own head!

Chapter 11 Morning After

Tuesday, July 22nd 2005

Ninth Entry

So, Giles, I hear I’m gonna be released in ten days. I think I’m happy. Yeah, I should feel happy. To finally be able to find warmth in my own bed and stick my head out my window to breathe when I feel stuffed. I can’t wait to see Mr. Gordo again. I think he might be the only friend I have left.

The funny thing is that I’m kind of sad to be leaving this place. It’s got memories now. I don’t know what I’m talking about. It’s just… safe. You know? I feel like within these walls, I can be whoever I wont and not be judged. Out there? Not so much.

Out there.. I’ll have to face the scrutiny of everybody I’ve ever known. Especially my parents. And the people I called my friends. They make me feel so vulnerable.

I think I should stay here, Giles. I really, really do.

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

I’m not sure what woke me up, the birds chirping overhead or the waves crashing against the sand repeatedly. I didn’t want to wake up, but I couldn’t help it and before I could stop myself, my senses became attuned to my surroundings. And then I realized that the surface I was sleeping on wasn’t my bed… in fact it was too grainy to be my bed. When I took a deep breath, I realized that the air was too sharp and too refreshing for it to be my room.

And something warm was pressed up against my back. Then, I opened my eyes and slowly comprehended where I was. Directly in front of me was a big, gray rock… more like a boulder and as my eyes scanned the surface, I saw some traces of grass here and there, peeking out under sand.

Sand. And thus, I realized I was on the beach. And it was morning, with the sun peeking out from above the horizon and the bird singing a crazy song. I tried moving my hands and realized that I was holding onto something long and warm draped across my waist…

It all came back to me. The night, the waves, the fake orchestra, the moon, the stars, the singing, the man.

“Spike…” I whispered, closing my eyes again. I felt his hard body against my stiff back and felt him begin to stir. It was Spike… and we were lying on the beach apparently… naked.

Great. I had absolutely no clue what to do. I couldn’t run for it and save myself from the embarrassment of a morning after. Yeah. Morning afters were definitely not my thing, considering a handful of bad experiences that I don’t want to get into. But, back to the situation at hand. Even if I wanted to escape without waking him up, I couldn’t. Because I was… very naked.

I felt his arms start to move and my breath got stuck in my throat.

“-uffy,” I heard him mutter and my heart skipped a beat. Slowly, I turned around in his hold to face him and found him looking at me with eyes clear as the sky above us.

“Hey,” I smiled. He looked so content and peaceful just lying there, holding me, staring into my eyes with a small smile on his face.

“Mornin’, kitten,” he said, voice groggy with sleep. He moved his arms and winced. I guess he was a little sore. Hell, I was, too.

“When did we… get here?” I looked around. We were at the very edge of the beach, almost next to the forest in a much more secluded and covered area than where I last remembered us to be. He raised himself up with an elbow and surveyed the area.

“Mm… must have been between the second time and the…” he trailed off with a smirk and I felt my face turn red so I buried my head in his chest. He held me close to him and we stayed that way for a few moments.

His hands caressed my sides soothingly, warming me from my head to my toes. I decided to myself that this was, by far, the best morning-after that I had ever had.

“Amazing…” I whispered. I didn’t really mean to say it out loud, but before I could react, I felt a low rumble escape his throat as he proudly grinned against my hair.

“What was that, pet?” he asked, absentmindedly drawing circles on my back, “Amazing you say?”

“Shut up,” I grumbled.

“Shh… none of that,” he tsk’ed, then whispered in my ear, “I quite like it when you scream.”

My eyes widened and I rolled away from him just to bang myself painfully against the large boulder. Dammit, it really hurt.

“Ugh,” I groaned, rubbing my injured back and scrunching up my face in pain. Spike immediately got up and scooped me into his arms. He checked my back and rubbed it gently with expert hands.

“Don’t fret, love,” he trailed kisses across the back of my neck and down the spot I was a hundred percent sure was bruising. “It won’t even bruise.” Okay, maybe not a hundred percent sure.

“Mmmm,” I moaned as he nibbled my neck and kissed my collarbone. I leaned into him and felt his hands trail down my stomach and … oh! I hissed and arched my back against him.

“Feel good?” he whispered huskily in my ear before nipping the earlobe gently.

“Mm hmm,” I closed my eyes in pleasure and gasped as he rubbed two fingers against my clit and slid them further …

I could wake up to orgasms like this every morning.

And then I realized it was the morning and my eyes snapped open.

“Oh God, oh god, oh god,” I jumped away from him and got to my feet, looking frantically around for any article of clothing. Any.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, still sitting on the ground and looking up at me in confusion.

“What time is it! My mom’s going to freak! She’s gonna kill me!” I tugged at my hair. I did that whenever I was on a verge of a nervous breakdown. “I never came home and! Oh my god… you and me. And me. And you with the… Oh my god!”

Spike stood up slowly and my eyes widened as I took in the sight of him standing before me in all his naked glory. He smirked when he realized I was staring at him and took a few predatory steps closer.

“N-no, no, no,” I backed away. “Stay over there… I have to. I can’t. Not now.”

“Relax, love,” he nodded towards the sun. “The sun’s only just come up. It’s still early. We still have some time to..” he waggled his eyebrows and I lost my tongue.

“Come on, Buffy,” step closer. “Stay,” another step. “Just for a little while.” step. “Please?”

He didn’t wait for me to respond before swooping down to kiss me passionately. Of course. He knew I was completely powerless against him and his stupid… charm.

“No,” I choked out as I gasped for air, “I can’t” – kiss – “I have to” – Oh god, he was doing that thing to my neck again, “We can’t… we…”

Screw it. I leapt into his arms and wrapped my legs around his waist. He staggered back a few steps before steadying himself and laughing at my boldness, but that didn’t last long because I attacked him again with my lips. Yeah. His lips weren’t the only ones that could do all the attacking.

…………

After about… half an hour or so, we were lying on the sand again, sprawled out in exhaustion. I caught a glimpse of green out of the side of my eye and lifted my head shakily to see my bikini and his clothes piled up in a bunch a few yards away. Sighing, I put my head down again and closed my eyes.

“We should go,” I mumbled, tired again. I stretched my arms above my head.

“You’re right,” he nodded, staring straight at the purple horizon. “We should.”

“It’s getting,.. late,” I added.

“You’re right. It is.”

“If someone walked by…”

“They would call the bloody police.”

“That would be bad.”

“Yeah it would, wouldn’t it,” he agreed, flatly.

Without another word, I got to my feet and limped over to the pile of clothes. Yeah, I was actually limping. That was how sore I was. Deliciously, completely satiated soreness. I loved the feeling. I threw his T-shirt and pants to him before I quickly put on my bikini.

Yuck. Not comfortable. It was all sandy on the insides and I felt itchy all over.

When I was done adjusting the strings and knots, I looked over to see Spike standing a couple of yards away with his black jeans on, thumbs looped in the belt loops, staring silently at me. He bent down to pick up his black T-shirt and shook it out before handing it to me.

“Here,” he said, softly, “I think you’ll need it more than me, pet.”

I pulled it on over my head and got on my tip-toes to give him a quick kiss.

“No regrets?” I asked him, quietly.

“None,” he cupped my face, “I wouldn’t take last night back for the world.”

My sentiments exactly and I couldn’t help but smile.

“Good.”

He took my hand and our fingers intertwined immediately, as if it were a natural thing and they had been intertwining regularly since… well, birth. The walk back to the parking lot was silent for the most part. I picked up my purse from the large boulder I was sitting on the night before and he found his leather duster lying on the sand where we had abandoned it.

There were only two cars in the parking lot, a black Desoto that I assumed was his and my blue Mustang. Both parked at opposite ends of the lot.

I felt him tugging at my hand when we reached the pavement and I turned towards him. He was running his hand down sleep tussled – and other stuff tussled, heh – hair with his free hands and his eyes were shifting around as if he were… nervous?

“You know about the carnival today, right?” he suddenly turned to look at me. “You know, second day of Founder’s and all that rot?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah, I know about it.”

“Well,” he paused and took a little short breath, “do you think you might, you know, be interested in, uh, - bloody hell, I was never good at this…” He looked a little panicked and I bit back a giggle.

“Aw, what happened to Big Bad Spike?” I teased him a little bit and he cleared his throat.

“Right, then,” he nodded. “So I’ll see you around…”

And with that, he turned his back and walked away leaving me a little… flabbergasted? What a good word. Flabbergasted. Stunned. Surprised. Annoyed… he was just going to leave?

Well, fine. I turned and headed towards my car, swinging my purse around in frustrated little circles. The sun was slowly rising and it looked like it was still a few hours away from noon, and I really needed to get home fast if I wanted to avoid –

Suddenly, I was spun around and before I could cry out, my lips were savagely plundered by an eager mouth that tasted strangely like the morning and tobacco mixed in one. My eyes widened in shock until I fully comprehended what was happening and wrapped my arms around Spike’s neck to lean into his kiss. After a couple of seconds, I pulled away, breathless.

“You caught me at an exhale,” I grinned, hugging him tight and panting a little bit.

“Just glad I caught you at all, Goldilocks,” he rubbed my back, pressing me against him. “So what say you if I ask you to go with me to the carnival today?”

“I say that sounds like a good plan,” I tilted my face up to kiss him gently. His lips lingered on mine for a long while and I felt him smile against me.

“Noon a good time to pick you up, then?” he asked, his voice muffled against my mouth, and he went back to kissing me. I couldn’t believe how he could get me so lost in the taste of him. Morning breath and all. He was absolutely wonderful.

“It’s perfect,” I managed to squeeze in before he ravaged my mouth again.

…………

Yeah, I know. We had the whole thing kind of… backwards with the hitting home before the first date and everything.

I’m not sure though… if I were to go back? I wouldn’t change a thing. Not a damn thing.

Chapter 11 In Public

Wednesday, July 23rd 2005

Tenth Entry

Nine more days until I’m “released” or “let go” from this.. place. What do you even call it? I’m not sure what I’ll do. It seems like it’s been forever since I’ve been… out there. And he wont be there waiting for me, will he? I won’t have the homecoming that I’ve fantasized about with someone at the other end of the gate, waiting with their arms wide open for me to fling into?

I’ve given that up a while ago. Guess what, Giles? I’ll be 18 in a couple of months! And do you know what I’m going to do, then? I’m going to travel to New York and dance like I’ve always wanted to. Isn’t that great? He said he loved it when I danced. He’ll be watching me from wherever he is now and… I think … he’ll be happy.

But the future doesn’t seem as bright as it once was. You know what I mean?

Do you think I’ll ever be just.. happy again?

cont Saturday, April 9th, 2005

It was unbelievable! I pulled into my driveway, tiptoed in through the backdoor, and made it all the way to my room without being noticed. I think my parents were still asleep! Which was, of course, really good for me.

The events of the night before and the morning didn’t really dawn on me until I fell onto my bed and closed my eyes. For some reason, I couldn’t help the giddy smile that spread across my face and I couldn’t pop this elated balloon that was swelling in my chest and I felt like twirling into oblivion. I was that happy.

And I was going to see him again! In exactly three hours! He was actually going to come to my house and pick me up! And I had nothing to wear…

At that moment, my cell phone rang.

“Hello?”

“H-hey, Buffy!” It was Willow. I held the phone to my ear with one hand as I made my way to the closet. What to wear, what to wear?

“Hey, Will, what’s up?”

Hm… pants or skirt… pants or skirt? I looked out the window at the sun that was proving to be scalding hot in a few hours. Long pants were out of the question.

“Oh, I was just wondering if you wanted to go to the carnival with me and Xander? I-it’ll be fun! We haven’t had a day out in a really long time!” Oh… well…

“I’d really like to, but I kind of have a – “ hmm… “ – a date…”

I adjusted the phone and dug deeper in my closet. Denim skirt, black skirt, white skirt? No, definitely no black. Sunny day required happy colors…

“What?! Buffy Anne Summers,” Willow screeched a little bit, sounding indignant. “You have a date and you didn’t tell me about it?”

“Well… he just, umm, asked me this morning,” I squinted and held the phone away from the impending scream. Definitely no denim skirt.

“AHHhhh!!” She screamed. I smiled, shaking my head. Denim was way too thick.

“Yeah, I know!” I put the phone back to my ear, “I’m so excited!”

I tossed the white skirt on my bed and went scavenging for a top.

“Wait… so Mr. Date asked this morning?” I could practically see her nose scrunch up. “As in over t-the phone? He called you before nine o’clock in the morning? Rude!”

Oh, um.

“Yeah..!” Very convincing, Buffy. Bravo, I grimaced to myself.

“Oh.” silence. I picked up a pink tank top and inspected it for a few seconds. “Well… that’s very, you know, neat! Do I know him?”

Yeah, Willow… you might have had a check-up with him once. You know… Dr. Pratt?!

“Um, probably not… he’s kind of …just a little bit older” A little while ago, I would probably have spilled anything and everything about it to her and she’d giggle with me and give me advice. Well, as much Willow-advice she could give me, anyways. But everything was so new right now that,… I didn’t exactly feel like sharing.

Nah, I didn’t like the pink shirt. Throw aside. Hmm… white shirt?

“Oh! Is he a college boy? Buffy… did you get yourself college-boy at the festival yesterday?” she teased me. Oh, what would she do if I told him he was much, much older than a college boy? Gah. White on white? How crazy am I? It joined the pink shirt on the floor.

“Not exactly. But he’s really, really cute and he’s got the best accent, and he’s just so perfect,” my eyes glazed over, thinking about him and I smiled. Blue shirt… hmm.

“That sounds so romantic,” I could see Willow’s eyes glazing over, too. “Do I get to meet him!”

Oh. Shit.

“Uh-Yeah! We’ll be at the carnival! Me and my date… at the carnival… together… and .. everything,” I felt weaker and weaker as I realized what that would mean.

“Okay! That sounds like so much fun. I’ll talk to you later, Buffy!”

“Yeah. Later, Wills.”

And I hung up.

…………

The doorbell rang just as I finished applying my lip gloss. I double checked my appearance in the mirror before going down to get the door. I had finally decided on a light, flowing, white skirt that fell midway down my thigh and a deep, emerald tank top that pulled in from the back.

Halfway down the stairs, I heard my mother’s voice from the door and froze up.

“What can I do for you?”

Oh shit, I was counting on me getting there before her and … oh, I don’t know. But I took a deep breath, smoothed down my skirt, and made my way down the rest of the stairs. I could do this.

“Here to pick up Buffy, ma’am,” he said, all cordial and high-class like. I couldn’t help but smile. They both turned when they saw me and I could tell I was in trouble from the look my mom was giving me.

“Hey, Spike,” I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before turning to my mother, “Mom, this is Spike, Spike, this is my mom… he’s taking me to the carnival.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Is that right?” We both nodded. “So tell me, Spike, what are your intentions towards Buffy?”

“To, ahem,” he cleared his throat, “take the best care of her and protect her for eternity,” he grinned and my mom’s expression hardened. His smile was cleared off his face as he added “ma’am.”

The sides of her mouth twitched a little bit as if they were fighting to contain a smile, “You can call me Joyce.”

“Yes, ma’am. I mean, Joyce.”

She gave him another look. God, I wanted to just drag him away. Thank the heavens that my dad wasn’t here right now.

“Come on, mom, we’re gonna be late,” I pleaded with her, taking a hold of Spike’s hand.

“Have I seen you anywhere before, Spike?” She was unrelenting.

Evil.

“No, ma- Joyce – Can’t say you have,” he answered, politely.

She nodded. “Buffy, come in the kitchen, I need to talk to you for a second.”

As soon as her back was turned, I squeezed Spike’s hand and gave him an apologetic look. He shrugged and smiled, stuffing both hands in his jacket pocket.

When my mom and I were alone in the kitchen, she regarded me with a suspicious look.

“Do I know that boy out there?” I shook my head. She sighed. “He looks older.”

Yeah, by eleven years…”Yeah. Just by a little, though.”

“Uh-huh,” she said slowly, “how did you meet him?”

Doctor!.. “You know… friend of a friend of a … friend?” I gave her a sheepish smile and she rolled her eyes.

“Buffy, I believe we’ve talked about the dangers of – “

“Yeah, mom, I know, okay?” I said quickly, wanting to get out of there as soon as possible. “He’s… a really, really great person. I know you’d love him if you got to know him! And I promise I’ll be careful, but… can I just please go?” I saw her face, carefully considering. “Please?”

“When will you be back?”

Yes!

“Early! “ She gave me a look and I amended. “Nine-ish?”

“Okay, your father and I will be at a meeting in L.A., I’m trusting you with this one, honey,” she was using her warning tone. Warning tone was never good. I nodded my head.

“Got it! Home early, lock doors, no sex! See you later!” I was practically running out of the kitchen.

“Honestly,” she called after me. “What kind of name is Spike?”

One of a kind, mom. One of a kind.

Spike was standing in the foyer, looking around and seeming a little uncomfortable. When he saw me running towards him, his face relaxed into a relieved grin. I grabbed his arm and flung open the door.

“Let’s get out of here,” I whispered.

“Right there with you, pet,” we hurried across the porch and into his black Desoto. My mom was standing by the door with a worried look on her face and I waved her ‘goodbye’ as he started the car and backed out of the driveway.

He laughed as we drove down Revello, “Well wasn’t that an experience? Felt like I was a teenager all over again, meeting the girl’s folks for the first time.”

“Yeah… didn’t really count on you meeting anybody yet.” I looked over at him, “Thought it’d just be… you know, you and me.”

“I know what you mean, love,” he nodded, turning off my street. “Have to say this morning I wasn’t exactly thinking with my head. Friends, parents, everybody just slipped my mind, to tell the truth. I was just thinking about you.”

He turned to give me a quick glance and I smiled. “Yeah,” I said, quietly. “How are we going to do this, Spike?”

“Do what, love?”

“You know… this,” I gestured the space between us. “It’s a little… you know, awkward. If my parents knew how we met… lets just say you’d be kicked halfway across the continent by now. And things get around. High school, you know? You can’t be in a relationship without people gossiping and making it out to be a bad thing.”

I saw his hands tighten on the wheel.

“So, you think this is a bad thing, then,” his tone was hard and his eyes were strained straight in front of him.

No! That wasn’t what I was thinking.

“No, that’s not what I was saying!” I protested. He set his jaw.

“Could have fooled me.”

“God, Spike, just think about it,” I muttered, leaning back in the seat. “You’re my doctor, for god’s sake! What if one of my friend’s recognized you and …”

“Well, you should have thought about that before you jumped all hot and ready into my arms,” his voice raised by a little increment and I could tell he was frustrated with me.

I decided I wouldn’t answer him. So I stared out the window at the passing houses and trees. We were down to this again. Except, I guess,… I was the one who was hit with the dowse of reality this time. I really should apologize, I guess.

He beat me to it.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was soft. He chanced another look at me before turning back to the road. “What do you want to do? Reckon we should keep this on the down low, yeah? Do the little routine where you escape from your beddy-by at night to see me when everyone’s asleep? Sneak off together and steal forbidden kisses when we think no one’s looking? Ball’s in your court, Goldilocks. I just want to be with you, no matter how we do it.”

“I don’t want you to be a dirty secret,” I reached towards him to hold onto his hand. He let go of the wheel and intertwined his fingers with mine. “And I don’t want to be a dirty secret, either.” I felt his hands go stiff, but I ignored it. “But right now… I don’t think I want to deal with people. I want you for myself.”

I shifted down the seat so I could be closer to him and he wrapped his arm around me.

“You still want to go to the carnival, then?”

Lots of people at the carnival. And everybody knew each other.

“Yeah, we could try the avoidy thing,” I suggested. But reality wouldn’t let me go down that path. “Or we could just go, you know, as friends. People don’t have to know we’re a thing, … yet.”

“Right,” he nodded, “friends it is.” And he took his arm away from me.

“Hey!” I protested, reaching for him. He shook his head and gave me a little smirk.

“Friends, remember?” he grinned and I slapped his arm, huffing. “Hey! No assaults on the driver!”

He laughed and I sulked, but deep inside, I knew I was smiling.

…………

“Ah, what kind of trash is this?” I glared at the sound system and reached out to change the dial. He slapped my hand away.

“Not trash,” he insisted, “it’s music. Good music, at that.”

“It’s trash,” I crossed my arms.

“Compared to what, luv? That teeny-bopper hippity hop you little monsters listen to?” he was teasing me, and I glowered at him. Of course, it didn’t stop him, “or do you listen to that bloody awful ‘emo’ garbage? ‘Oh, how I hate my life! I’m going to stick a sodding knife to my bloody wrist, oh, oh oh!’” he mimicked. “Oh, how you crazy kids rant these days. Don’t know how parents put up with it, really. Must drive them bloody insane.”

“Because you would know,” I glared, “since you definitely have a kid and all.” His expression hardened for half a second before relaxing into a smirk.

“Seriously now, pet. You have to admit that after the 80’s, the only form of music produced can be best called noise.”

“That’s not true and you know that.”

“What are you going to throw out there, love? Sodding Spice Girls? Backstreet Blokes – oh, let me show you the shape of my bleedin’ heart! Oh! And what about N’suffer and watch me die?” He shook his head, “face it, pet, your music’s gone and killed itself.”

“And what do you listen to, you big-headed pig?” I glared, “The Ramones, the Crash – “

“Clash,” he corrected.

“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes. “All they ever sing about is how love sucks and how they want to go kill people.”

“Are you thinking about country?” he cocked his head, “but you left out the part ‘bout the broken truck and barking dog.”

“Hate country.”

“Right there with you,” he pulled into a parking lot and we were greeted with the same ‘hippity hop’ music he was talking about earlier. “Somebody should be shot and hung on a bloody wall,” he grumbled, “letting little niblets all around listen to this garbage.”

He killed the engine and got out of the car. Before I could reach the handle on my side, I found the door being opened for me and looked up to see his face grinning down on me. I took his hand and let him help me up.

“It could be worse,” I shrugged as I heard traces of Outkast’s ‘hey ya’ in between the wild shouting of little kids running around the merry-go-round.

“Yeah,” he sighed, looking at the festivities before us, “could be much, much worse.”

…………

You can’t believe how hard it was to walk through the games, rides, food stands without touching him, holding his hand, leaning on him. I was starting to get jittery. Hell, I wanted to pull him behind a gaming booth and devour him. Something was seriously wrong with this picture. There he was in a sky blue button-down over a black shirt and jeans looking deliciously… well, deliciously, and I couldn’t even maintain any body contact with him.

He just smiled at me as we walked, oblivious to my torture.

“So, what’s your pleasure?” he asked me. Pleasure?, my eyebrows shot up and my mouth watered. He went on, “we’ve got cotton candy, merry-go-round-and-round, the bloody ferris wheel – but I’m not joining you on it, game booths, oh look! Bumper cars! Want to give it a go, love?”

I looked at him in wonder and couldn’t figure out how in the world I had ended up with such a perfect… boyfriend. Was he a boyfriend?

“Yeah…” I smiled widely. He lead me to the long line waiting for the bumper cars, placing a hand gently on the small of my back. I leaned back into his touch, grateful for the little contact.

When we finally reached the front of the line, we were both paired with a younger kid and directed to different cars. His was red and mine was blue. Before parting ways, he gave me a cocky smirk. “Your ass is mine, Summers.” Then he swaggered over to his little red vehicle with a cute little girl in a red dress following him, practically running to keep up.

The blonde boy I was paired up with looked at me with wide eyes and pulled at my hand.

“Yes, sweetie?” I couldn’t believe the cuteness bundled up in little blue overalls and a white shirt with a stain on it.

“What a ass?” he asked me, imploringly. His voice was light and inquiring and I couldn’t help but smile.

“A donkey,” I was gonna have to murder Spike later. Spreading his vulgarity to the younger beings. Damn him.

“You have a dahkey!” his eyes widened and his little lips turned up into a toothy grin.

“Of course, sweetie,” might as well appease him. We got into our car and I buckled him up then looked around for the enemy aka Spike and his sidekick. My little buddy tugged on my arm, again.

“You like to dwive?” he asked me, all innocence.

“Yeah,” I smiled at him and he smiled back.

Then his face sobered up to all seriousness, “I like to dwive too, but my mommy say I not allowed to.”

“One day when you’re older, I’m su- “

I was cut off by a whistle and before I could get myself together, a car crashed into me. I whipped my head around to glare at Spike’s laughing face.

“Told you I was fast, baby,” he smirked.

“Oh, you’re gonna get it now,” I reversed the car and sped away. Turning to my partner, I asked him if he was okay. He nodded, looking very stricken. I saw a flash of blonde hair to the side and jerked the wheel to the left, causing my bumper car to swerve into the back of Spike’s car. The girl next to him clapped her hands wildly and squealed in laughter as Spike turned around with a “Bloody hell…”

“Watch that language, Spikey,” it was my turn to smirk. But it was wiped off my face as a purple car banged into me.

“Hi, Buffy!” I heard Willow’s giggling voice and I turned around to see her and Xander laughing at me from within the offending car.

“Not a good idea, Xand,” I narrowed my eyes at him – he was at the wheel. I hit the gas and veered to the right then spun around to counter attack them, but they were nowhere to be found.

“Over dere! dere!” My buddy shouted, pointing a little finger across the ring and I turned to see Xander and Willow speeding away.

“We’re gonna go get them!” I whooped and he laughed, delighted. I sped behind them.

“Go, Go, Go!” I heard Willow shouting as she saw me tailing them. But I was intercepted again. This time by a green car.

“Gah!” I grumbled, seeing the green car with two grinning brunette guys pull away. I thought one of them looked familiar, but I shook it out of my head as I searched for a bleached blonde target.

“Look!” my little buddy aided me again, tugging my arm and pointing at Spike and the little girl zooming straight at us. I squeeled and turned the car, but the collision was inevitable and he crashed into us.

God, I hadn’t had so much fun since… I don’t know, a very long time ago. And when the cars suddenly died down as a whistle blew again, I felt it wasn’t long enough.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yeah! Again… again!” my over-all cladded friend clapped his hands and I laughed as I lifted him out of the car. His mother ran over to collect him and gave me a little smile before turning away and leading him off. I saw him look around her and wave at me and with a small smile, I waved back.

“So, that’s my competition, love?” a voice purred in my ear as I felt two arms wrap around my waist.

“Yep,” I smiled up at Spike, “tough, huh?”

“Well, a bloke’s got to try,” he shrugged, burying his face in my hair and swayed me back and forth. “Think you’ll give me a chance though? Put a light at the end of this path?”

“Play your cards right…”

He growled in my ear and I leaned up to kiss him, but we were interrupted by two very excited voices.

“Buffy!”

“Buffster! Over here!”

Willow and Xander were calling to me. We jumped apart as they made their way over and I shot him an apologetic smile which he simply shrugged off.

“Hey Will, Xander,” I greeted them. Willow was wringing her hands excitedly and I caught Xander give Spike a suspicious look.

“Did you see me out there, Buffy? With the zoom and the zam,” she held out her hands as if gripping a steering wheel and rolled her arms around.

“Huh… I thought I saw Xander driving,” I couldn’t help but smile at her antics. She grinned at me and shook her head.

“Yeah, he was the one driving, but I was the one that vroooomed and saw you and grabbed the wheel and then made him hit you!”

“Oh. Really?”

“Darn tootin!” she exclaimed. “And then you made with the ‘grrrr’ at Xander and … “

Xander coughed to get my attention and nodded his head very subtly towards Spike. Or actually, it wasn’t very subtly, it was more of a violent jerk, but I got the message. And Spike was too absorbed in trying to make out what Willow was saying to notice him.

So I did the whole introduction thing that I’ve been dreading to do. “Guys, this is Spike, Spike, this is Willow and Xander.”

“Nice to meet you,” Willow held out a hand and gave me a little look. I could feel myself start to blush as I felt Spike’s eyes fall on me as he smirked and shook Willow’s hand.

“Pleasure’s all mine, Red,” he drawled out. Willow let out a squeek and bent over to hiss at me.

“You didn’t tell me he had that accen-”

I cut her off. “What are you talking about! Yes, I did! I said he had the best - ”

Xander cleared his throat, interrupting our mini argument.

“So tell me, Spike,” he emphasized the name with a little bit of… disdain? disgust? “What exactly are you doing here with our Buffy?”

“Xander!” I gave him a look which he ignored. “He’s here with me because he’s… my friend!” Xander gave me a look of disbelief and Spike’s expression darkened marginally.

“Your friend, huh?” Xander crossed his arms, “so how come I don’t know him?”

“What? Since when did you become my mom?” I couldn’t help but glare at him and he glared right back. “You don’t keep track of me, Xander! I don’t have to run everybody I meet by you! That’s not your job and you don’t have the right.”

“Sorry, Buff,” he didn’t look sorry. “Just looking out for you. Didn’t want the bleached wonder here to take advant - “

“Watch it, mate,” Spike sounded threatening and Xander stepped up to the challenge.

“Or what? You’ll pulverize me? I don’t take orders from you.”

Willow looked at me with widened eyes and I gave her a little helpless look. It didn’t seem like this was going anywhere…

“Wasn’t an order. Was a threat and you better realize it.”

“So you have an army that comes along with the peroxide?” Xander kept at it. “I know what the likes of you do with girls like Buff - “

“That’s the last thing I’m interested in, you whelp,” Spike’s tone was low and dangerous and I decided at that moment that Xander plus Spike put together was definitely not of the good. “Buffy means a hell of a good deal more to me than just a – “

Okay, I had to end this. Willow was looking a little frightened and we exchanged a worried glance.

“Okay, well if the pissing contest is over now… me and Spike have to go… do that thing,” I said quickly, “And Willow, you had to, you know.”

“Yeah!” she nodded, latching herself on Xander’s arm. “Come on, mister! I just remembered that there was the – thing that I needed help doing so lets go and do… it.”

…………

“Are all of your friends as mad as that git back there?” Spike grumbled as soon as I pulled him away from Xander’s line of sight. We were now under a large tent, walking down a line of arcade games.

“He’s not a – a git,” I sighed. “And he’s not mad. He’s just a little… overzealous and overprotective.”

“Just a little?” he asked, unbelievingly, “If that was just a little than the bloody earth is just a little round. Trust me, love, he’s a lot more than a little.”

“Sorry about that,” I apologized.

“No need – “

He was cut off.

“Spike, my boy! Wow, I didn’t think I’d see you here after you ran off on me yesterday!“

We both turned to see who was calling him and I recognized Angel walking towards us, briskly, followed by another man and a woman. I looked up at Spike’s face and saw that he had his eyes rolled up in his head in annoyance.

“Perfect timing, Peaches,” he muttered so only I could hear. Peaches?

“Ah! And you brought somebody with – “ he started when he saw my face and stopped talking all together. When he finally spoke again, his entire demeanor was less… jovial and more somber, “hello, Buffy.”

“You two know each other?” Spike furrowed his brow. Angel shook his head and waved it off.

“Just bumped into each other before,” he smiled at me, “how you holding up?”

“A lot better since our last meeting.” I didn’t know what to make of this.

“That’s good to hear,” he turned his gaze to Spike. “So I tried checking up on you this morning and you weren’t at your apartment. Got me all worried for a little bit, man.”

“Thanks ever so,” Spike’s shot me a quick glance before addressing Angel. “Nice to know you spent so much quality brooding time worrying about me, mate. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.”

“Huh, you sound happy to see me,” Angel said sarcastically.

“I am. Really, Peaches,” he patted Angel’s arm, “It’s always a pleasure to catch up with the likes of you. You always promise me a grand old time.”

“So why do you look like you’d rather get your eyeballs poked out?”

Spike snorted. “I said you promised. Never said anything about delivering, now did I?”

Angel made a face at me that was so funny that I couldn’t help but laugh. Spike looked between the two of us suspiciously.

“How do you know this big poofter here again?” he asked me with a raised brow. I faltered a little and looked up at Angel.

“Well, uh, you know,” I shrugged, “he saved me from a horrible, very terrible – “

“Big guy who was coming on to her too fast,” Angel finished for me with a small smile. “And when she told me her name was Buffy, I realized that this was the special girl that you were going on and on about when you were on that whole drunk-out-of-your-mind deal all last week … or, how do you say it, uh, ‘pissed off your rocker’.”

“I see,” Spike said, slowly. Then quickly snapped at Angel, “I did not get pissed off any rocker, you bloody ponce.” The whole direction of the conversation was a little confusing for me, so I just bit my lip and looked at the other man and woman who had joined us. I recognized the other man as being someone else in that photo I saw at Spike’s examination room the other day and I recognized the woman - what??

“Mrs. Calendar?” I gasped in disbelief. She smiled at me and gave me a little wave.

“Hi, Buffy,” she chirped, “great day, isn’t it? Don’t you love carnivals?”

Huh.

“Yeah, really, really.. fun,” my eyes were wide and I wasn’t sure what to say. I didn’t know teachers actually wore jeans! Tight jeans, at that. Wow. I guess I never stopped to wonder if teachers actually had a life outside of school. I just immediately assumed they always looked… teachery. I said the first thing that came to my mind. “You don’t look as old as you normally do. Uh- I mean, not that you look old or anything. Okay… foot in mouth?”

But Ms. Calendar just laughed and waved it away. “I know what you mean, don’t worry. So… friend of William’s?”

I nodded, shooting a nervous glance at Spike who was still talking animatedly with Angel. “We’re.. friends.” Of sorts…

“Hi, I’m Riley, thanks for introducing me,” the man with sandy brown hair finally spoke up, obviously tired of being the odd one out.

Ms. Calendar laughed.

“Buffy, meet my boyfriend Riley… Riley, meet Buffy.” And we did the introduction ritual. Again. Then Ms. Calendar changed the subject.

…………

And so the afternoon went with us meeting various people we both knew, us jumping apart whenever somebody came along, us shooting sidelong glances at each other, both wanting to be somewhere that was of the else. We introduced each other as friends, acquaintances, even family at one point, just anything besides what we really were. Ironically… even I wasn’t really sure what we were exactly.

We were so absorbed in each other, though, that we failed to give people, in general, the benefit of the doubt. We failed to realize that despite what we told them, they saw us for what we appeared to be at face value. They saw the secret glances, the subtle smiles, and they understood. But none of them said a word.

Have you ever read The Great Gatsby? Great book by Fitzgerald. Well, all I can say is that I felt like we were Daisy and Gatsby. And the entire world was a Nick or another passerby.

But, I guess that analogy doesn’t really work, since I’m not a frigid, shallow bitch like Daisy and Spike is nowhere as superficial as Gatsby. So maybe we were more like… Shakespeare and Viola in “Shakespeare in Love”. Or maybe … I have to stop. Because I can’t compare us to any of the characters I read in books or see on the TV.

Because we were real and we were very much living in our own world. How is anything comparable to that?

Chapter 12 Is it love?

Thursday, July 24th 2005

Eleventh Entry

I’m trying not to count down so I wont. I will not. I’ll mentally believe that it is my first day here and I wont have to leave this sanctuary anytime soon. But I know it’s not true.

This room’s becoming my sanctuary. I see him here. But now I know it’s not really him when I shiver at night. I know that he’s gone. Forever, it seems. But it doesn’t seem so far away… only one blood vessel… one breath… one life away. So close.

And then I think about him as he was. When he was still with me. How full of life he was. And I miss his sarcasm. His sharp comments, his quick tongue, his ability to keep me on my feet. That’s when I realize what he would have wanted me to do. I think he would have wanted me to live. Sometimes, when I feel him standing in the corner of the room, I think he’s telling me to take my time and we’ll be together soon enough.

Will it be soon enough?

cont Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Somehow, we were sitting on the sand again, in the same spot that we had woken up in. The entire afternoon had gone by in the blur, Willow… Xander… Angel, Ms. Calendar – she insisted I call her Jenny, and Riley Finn, Faith and Cordelia – who both swore they’ve seen Spike somewhere before, Harmony and Anya who seemed surprised to see me but shoved it to the back of their minds, ice cream at the boardwalk that overlooked the more public beach that was joined with the neighboring town of Dowdell, casual dinner, and now we were here. Back at the little secluded area of Sunnydale’s second beach. The beach that held the cheery bonfire celebrating the 100th anniversary of the little town. The first day of Founder’s Festival. And now the second day of Founder’s Festival was coming to a close and we were sitting at the same exact spot.

Talking about the trivial things in life such as food.

“Did you know onions were an aphrodisiac, love?“

Wow. Leave it to him to know that. I buried my head in his arms as we sat on a boulder, waiting for the sun to go down.

“Really?” I mused, then made a face, “so it makes you want to do the deed and the second you go to kiss your lover, you gag in disgust?”

“You’re exaggerating, the after breath isn’t that repulsive,” he ran his hand up and down my arm.

“Have you ever tried kissing someone with onion breath?”

“Well, no,… but I’d kiss you with any breath,” he teased, lifting up my chin to give me a quick kiss on the lips.

“You just got me craving onion rings,” I sighed, melting into him. “It’s kinda surprising, but they actually make pretty good onion rings at the Doublemeat Palace.”

“Not as good as those onion blossom things,” he told me with a smile.

“Oh yeah, those are good. I love ‘em.”

“Yeah, me, too,” he grinned.

“Pretty amazing isn’t it? It’s like an onion, but it’s a flower, and it’s all pretty yet good to eat at the same time that you don’t want to break it,” I couldn’t believe we were talking about something like this, but then… he was just so fun to talk to about anything. Half the time I wonder to myself if I actually know what we’re talking about or if I’m just listening to that sexy accent of his go on and on.

“See, the genius of it is you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes,” he explained to me, looking a little too happy.

“Neato… and I’m not going to ask you how you know that,” I poked him.

“Oy!” he grabbed my hand and smiled down at me. “None of that, love,” he was grinning devilishly and suddenly waggled his fingers in front of my face, making me scream and scramble away. He caught me before I could escape and whispered in my ear. “Poke me again and we’ll hear who’s screaming…”

Remembering our tickle fight the other night, I sat up still and looked at him with wide eyes. And then slowly jutted out my bottom lip.

Yeah, I definitely knew which buttons to push because the next thing I knew, he was lifting me up and spinning around in his arms as he bent his head down to kiss me.

I closed my eyes, letting my other senses do their whole amplify by 20% thing as I took bliss in the feel of his soft lips against mine.

And I think this might have been when I knew. When I knew I was falling in love with him. And the fact that I realized this made my head dizzy and I just clung onto him tighter. I couldn’t let him go, but I couldn’t tell him. Couldn’t tell him I was falling because he might’ve run away. And if he ran… who would be there to catch me?

So I kept it to myself and just lost my being in his touch, hoping it would last forever.

…………

“It’s gorgeous,” I breathed, staring into the red, violet, and blue sky as the sun started to disappear under the horizon of the ocean. Spike had my back against his chest as he held me on his lap while we watched the sunset. He nuzzled my neck and I closed my eyes for a moment to savor the feeling.

“Not as gorgeous as you, pet,” he whispered in my ear.

“Stop that,” I gently slapped the arm that was wrapped around my waist.

“Stop what?” he nibbled on my ear before asking, “this? Now why would I want to do that?” He kissed a trail down my neck and onto my collarbone. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I turned in his arms so I faced him.

“Stop talking.”

I took his face in my hands and pulled him down for a kiss. A sweet kiss. That lasted about ten seconds before it turned into something else. Passion. I tried to show him my love through this kiss but I don’t know if he got the message.

“Fireworks gonna start soon, love,” I heard him telling me in between kisses.

“Mmm,” I moaned, pulling him closer. “Don’t care. Want you.”

“You’ve resorted to Neanderthal speak?” he grinned against my mouth, picking me up from our rock. He swung me around, making me giggle and squeal at the same time.

“Stop! Stop!” I choked out, laughing, “I’m getting dizzy! Put me down!”

He persisted in swirling me about and I really didn’t see how he was not getting dizzy, himself.

“Never,” he growled in my ear, playfully, “never putting my Buffy down.”

“No… no!” I pushed myself away from him halfheartedly, only to earn myself another spin in the other direction.

“Fine, you want to be put down?” there was no mistaking the wicked gleam in his eyes and before I could protest, he threw me onto the soft sand.

“You jerk,” I couldn’t stop laughing and he dove on top of me.

“What did you call me?” he nipped my neck, rolling us around in the sand.

“Big… pig-headed… jerk,” I squeezed in, gasping and trying to evade his deliciously hungry mouth at the same time..

“Oh baby,” he rolled away from me, “you wound me!” He feigned hurt and clutched at his heart. I raised an eyebrow, propping myself up on my elbows. We were both panting a little bit. He took one look at me, smirked, and declared, “And now you’re gonna pay!”

I had half a mind to just stand there and let him pounce on me, but I was having too much fun with our game and with an excited screech, scrambled to my feet and made a run for it.

…………

He took me again by the beach, Giles. And it was even more beautiful than the night before. It dawned on me then that it would be more and more amazing as we grew and the better I knew him, the more I would drown in him.

The first night, we came together as new lovers, trying out our love, basking in each other… And that night? We needed each other. It wasn’t trying out something new, we weren’t holding anything back. We were desperate for each other… dependent on the other as we both depended on air.

And as the fireworks went off in our heads, the fireworks went off in the sky.

And I wondered to myself if life could possibly get any better.

And I realized that… this was only the beginning. Things could only get better. Because I loved him. Right?




A/N: the little convo about blooming onions i pulled from season 7, when Spike's on the motorcycle with Andrew. I couldn't resist

Note: Song's by Jack Johnson, it's called "Banana Pancakes".

Chapter 13 Breathe

Friday, July 25th 2005

Twelfth Entry

My mother came to visit me today.

We didn’t say a word to each other.

I wanted to cry, but I stayed strong.

She just sat across from me, staring at her fingernails. As if staring at me would be… wrong. Bad. As if she couldn’t. And I wanted nothing more than to say “Mommy…” and jump into her arms, but there was this barrier between us. I thought… I don’t know what I thought.

But as she turned around to leave, I told her I was sorry. I think she heard me because she stopped for a few seconds. But she didn’t turn to face me… she kept her back to me. And then she walked away.

Like everybody walked away.

Sunday, April 10th, 2005

But baby, you hardly even notice
When I try to show you
this song It's meant to keep you
From doin' what you're supposed to
Like wakin' up too early
Maybe we could sleep in
I'll make you banana pancakes
Pretend like it's the weekend now

And we could pretend it all the time
Can't you see that it's just rainin'
There ain't no need to go outside

I vaguely heard the radio as it started singing, waking me up. Damn, radio alarm clocks. I buried my head deeper into the pillow. No. Don’t want to wake up.

“Can’t you see that it’s just rainin’… There ain’t no need to go outside,” a husky voice sang into my ear. I lifted my head and turned around to see a smiling Spike lying next to me. I was still half-asleep and was trying to comprehend all that had happened. Last night. He drove me home. And now he was next to me… no shirt… and he was singing in my ear. And kissing my lips softly. Running his hand through my hair. I really liked waking up next to him.

“Nice to see you’re up, baby,” he whispered, holding me tightly. I snuggled closer to his warm chest.

“Mmm, this is nice,” I murmured, groggily, and kissed whatever was accessible at the time lazily. Wait. “How are you here?”

“Never left, remember?” he shifted his denim-covered leg so it was intertwined with mine and reached his hand out to take mine. “Spent the night just holding you, love.”

I almost told him I loved him. Right then and there.

“You’re sweet,” I kissed him again. And then I reached over to turn off the radio alarm. Which reminded me… “you don’t strike me as the type who likes Jack Johnson.”

He groaned and closed his eyes, “Good. I don’t.”

“Which was why you were singing along all merrily this morning to him,” I ran a hand through his hair. I really loved his hair, especially right after he woke up when it was all messy and soft. Perfect. Like the rest of him.

He grumbled some more before he rolled on top of me and pinned me to the bed.

“No, Spike,” I dodged a kiss. His throat made this funny sound… I guess he disapproved of that. “Parents…”

“Door’s looked,” he tried kissing me again. I dodged him again and he pouted, looking dejected. “I’ll be quiet! Promise.”

That’s when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs and I clamped my hand over Spike’s mouth. Someone knocked on my door.

“Buffy?”

It was my mom. Oh God… Spike … half-naked on my bed and my mom’s outside the door.

“Yeah, mom, I’m getting up!” I called to her.

“Okay, honey, come down soon! Breakfast is ready.”

I heard her footsteps pad away and Spike nipped at my fingers that were still over his mouth. I uncovered his mouth and stroked his cheekbone with a hand. I really loved admiring him. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand.

“You should really go,” I told him, softly. I really didn’t want him to. He sighed and nodded.

“Yeah,” he gave me a quick kiss before getting off the bed. “I’ll see you later?”

I scooted over to him at the edge of the bed and brought his face down level with mine. Looking into his eyes briefly, I pulled him in for a soft kiss. Our lips lingered gently against each other for a while and we just stayed like that, tasting each other, not letting it go further than a tender caress. When we parted, I smiled.

“That’s a definite … maybe,” I giggled when he frowned.

“Maybe, huh?” he grabbed me and launched me against his body as he smashed his mouth against mine. I’d never get over him. Kisses like these? I’d never get over those, either.

When it was over, he pressed his forehead against mine and we both breathed deeply. “Still a maybe, love?”

“No, it turned into a yes.”

It was half an hour later before Spike climbed out my window to run across the street to his car and I finally left my bedroom to have breakfast.

…………
…………

Elegant.

That’s how I felt as I met Willow and Xander by the row of food in the town hall that afternoon. My mother had taken me for a shopping trip, something that happened on a rare occasion. We both needed to go dress shopping for the Town Dance, which was the last event of the 100th annual Founder’s Festival.

I had seen the dress instantly and fallen in love with it.

It was gorgeous – pale green, strapless, and floor-length. And the first thought that came to my mind was that it brought out my eyes. Spike would love that.

“Hey, so what’s new in the life of the Buffster?” Xander greeted me happily, handing me a plastic cup filled to the brim with red punch. Then added, sarcastically, “Besides, of course, the new and bleached addition to your lovely life.”

“Good, good, more complaints please,” I gave him an exasperated look, but he just shook his head. I took a quick sip of the punch, not wanting it to spill over.

“I don’t like him.”

“Yeah, got that message. You were pretty clear with the – “ I held up a fist and mock-punched Xander’s nose, “ – machoness. It was actually kind of cute, right Willow?”

Willow jumped and sputtered, her punch spitting out of her mouth as she looked at me with wide eyes.

“Nuh uh, I’m not getting mixed into, you know,” she gestured to the area in front of her. “That’s dangerous territory right there, missy, and I’m not going into it.”

“Hey look, his evilness is staring – “ Xander had his head turned but quickly whipped around, “- nothing!” But it was too late.

“What?” I looked over Xander’s shoulder and saw Spike at the far wall of the town hall. “Oh look, there’s Spike, I’m going to – “

“Buffy, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Xander shook his head at me. “I mean, look at him! He looks like an evil blood-sucking fiend that can’t tell the difference between Clorox and shampoo.”

“Xander, please…” I put my punch down on the table.

“Look! he’s giving me the fiendish death stare of his… this guy is trouble, Buff. Real, serious trouble. Trust my loving-friend intuition on this one. It’s like a women’s intuition. Without the woman… “ I drowned out Xander’s voice as I moved to go past him and talk to Spike. He was staring at us with… a look in his eyes. It puzzled me because I couldn’t exactly read what the look meant. He just seemed so… alone. Vacant.

And that made me more determined to get past the sea of people so I could reach him.

But Angel intercepted me, first.

“Hey, Buffy!” he sounded enthusiastic. Very enthusiastic. “How’re you doing?”

“Great, Angel,” I smiled politely then tried to move around him, but he moved with me, blocking my path.

“Has that guy bothered you anymore?” he prodded. I shook my head.

“No, haven’t seen him since you rescued me…” I smiled again.

“Oh well, that’s… great,” he kept moving in my way and talking. “Oh, look! I’m thirsty, mind getting me a punch?”

What the hell?

“Punch table’s right there, Angel… “ I pointed, “I’m sure you can manage… now if you’ll excuse me.”

His face fell, defeated. “Buffy… are you going to go talk to Spike?”

“Yeah,” I looked up at him, surprised.

“I really… would advise you not to,” he said quietly, turning me so I looked him in the eyes. Xander seemed to materialize out of nowhere.

“I agree with the… “ he looked Angel over, “ … the man in the dark blue suit.”

All three of us turned to look at Spike standing by the wall. This time, he wasn’t looking in our direction anymore, but was focused somewhere… else. And just before I turned my head to tell Angel and Xander to leave me alone, I saw a dark haired woman walk up to Spike, give him a dazzling smile, hook her arm in his, and hand him a glass of champagne. And something inside me… broke.

“Who is she?” I all but whispered, all the breath had faded from me. Angel looked away and Xander seemed stricken.

“God, Buffy,” he breathed. It was obvious that all the times he had given Spike a hard time was just him being… Xander and he never really thought…

But of course, he didn’t think. Because Spike would not… he wouldn’t. He was looking at me now and something in his eyes made me want to just… go home and crawl under the sheets. But I had to know. So I broke away from Angel and Xander and made my way to him… the man that I thought I was falling for.

He saw me approach and I could see the lines in his face tighten and his jaw clench.

I didn’t breath until I was directly in front of him, staring straight into those crystal clear blue eyes of his that reflected all the oceans in the world.

“Hello… Dr. Pratt,” I said, softly.

“Buffy,” his voice sounded a little hoarse. A little unpracticed. A little uneasy. “Buffy, I’d like you to meet… my fiancé.”

You know the thing that was inside me that I felt break earlier? I found out what it was. It was a little glass figurine, one of the beautiful Murano glass creations from Italy,.. delicate, precious, beautiful. It was hanging from a golden chain that I was holding onto tightly. I was holding it with the tightest grip I had in me. And the minute I saw that brunette beauty that was currently in his arms? I felt my grip grow weak… as if my hand were tired all of a sudden. And as soon as he said my name?… I let go of the golden chain and the glass figurine started tumbling to the ground slowly. Slow motion. Falling… falling… and I was diving down to catch it.

And when he said ‘fiancé’? It shattered to the ground and my hand was empty.

So that’s what it felt like to have your heart broken. Now I knew.

…………

I need a break, Giles. I’m taking a walk. I’ll finish the day when I get back. Because now I need to breathe.

I’m going out, now. To go breathe.

References to The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. If you haven't read or studied the book in school, the eyes of Dr. TJ Ecleburg kind of symbolise the eyes of God... they see everything going on in the city. There's a reference to him... doesn't really make that big of a difference, just thought ya'll should know


Chapter 14 Dangerously In Love With You

Thirteenth entry.

Same day, different time.

Just finishing what I started.

cont Sunday, April 10th, 2005

The dark-haired woman regarded me with a haughty look and gave me a calculated smile before offering me her hand.

“Cecily Wyndam-Pryce.”

I stared at her jeweled hand. She had given me her left hand. And I saw a golden band on her finger. Engagement ring, of course. She just had to give me the left hand.

That bitch.

“Buffy Summers, nice to meet you,” I said as quickly as possible, ignoring her hand and looking back up at Spike. There was something in those eyes.

But I didn’t want to figure it out. I had enough. When he told us that we were wrong? That day in the alley? Why couldn’t I just have forgotten about him?

“Nice seeing you here, Dr. Pratt,” I tried to give him a small smile. Save some dignity. But I really couldn’t. I was too busy keeping the tears from falling. So I spun around on my heel and walked away.

Away. Far away. I needed to be away.

“Buffy,” Angel grabbed my arm as I went past him and I stopped, not bothering to face him. “Buffy… I’m sorry. I really am. I tried to tell you… just… sorry.”

“Not your fault,” I shook his hand off and kept moving. I had to get out. Leave. I had to breathe. I felt like the insides were closing in, I felt all the eyes of the people in the room looking at me. Like the eyes of Dr. TJ Eckleburg.

God, how could I be so stupid?

I avoided Willow and Xander as I hurried away, dodging bodies, slipping in and out until I was at the door leading to the outside world. Where it had started raining.

I opened the door and hung on to the railing of the balcony. I closed my eyes and listened to each and every drop of rain fall, tumble, and crash onto the white, wooden floor. I let myself cry.

I looked down at my dress and felt ridiculous. Like I had been the butt of a bad joke. The tears streamed down my eyes and mixed in with the rain. My makeup was probably ruined. But I didn’t give a damn. Each breath I took seemed like it had been amplified, as if I were breathing heavily into a goddamn microphone. And there was only two functioning senses that were working as I closed my eyes off to the world. Sound and Touch. I couldn’t smell anything except the rain in the air and I couldn’t taste anything except the bitterness in my mouth.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens. How come I wasn’t feeling better yet?

I heard the rain pound on all the surfaces around me and I heard my breathing. I felt the cool water dripping down my exposed skin, chilling me to the bone, yet never cold enough. Never enough to drown out the fire that had started to burn me from the inside out. Forest fire. Never was a good thing. Never enough ice. Never put out the fire.

In. Out. In. Out. I tried to control my breathing.

The door behind me opened and I knew who was standing there. I always knew.

In. Out. In. Out.

“Buffy, love…” his voice. It was scratchy. It was soft. It made me hate him.

“No,” I said sharply, surprised at the harshness of my voice. “Don’t call me that… don’t you dare call me that.”

In. Out. In. Out.

“Please… love, please.”

He called me that again. I felt him move closer and I whirled around to face him.

“Is this funny? Is this some kind of sick joke? Don’t…” I choked and took a deep, ragged breath. “Don’t come – “

He took another step closer and I tried taking a step backwards, but ran into the railing that I had been leaning against.

“Go away, don’t come closer. I don’t want you near me,” I couldn’t scream at him like I wanted to. My voice hurt too badly.

“Buffy, I can explain…” he pleaded with me, paying no attention to me and taking another step closer, “please, just listen to me…”

He was standing there in a dark tuxedo, hair wet from the rain. It wasn’t slicked back like usual. And I could see the pearls of raindrops on his skin, clinging to him before getting washed away by a bigger raindrop. He looked broken. Maybe he was broken.

“No.”

I couldn’t look at him anymore and spun away, making my way down the stairs so I could just run out of there. I nearly tripped. Stupid shoes.

He saw me almost fall and dove after me. He put his arms around me and for a second, I closed my eyes to relish the feeling. Then I realized why I was out there in the first place…

“Get away,” I screamed at him, pushing him away from me.

“Please, lov- Buffy, I didn’t know,” I didn’t know if he was crying or if the wetness on his face was the water from the sky. Please let him be crying. I wanted him to hurt. “I didn’t know…. I didn’t know.”

“Didn’t know what? That you were engaged? Oh, please,” I stared down the deserted sidewalk.

“I – I didn’t know she would show up,” he said, quietly. Deflated. Broken… maybe.

“Oh, that’s rich,” I scoffed. “I’m happy she showed up. What were you going to do? Keep her a secret? You don’t keep secrets like that, you, aghhhhhhhhh” I had to scream. Let it out. Go Buffy, let it out. “Oh wait. Actually… it looks like I’m the one who’s a secret. Well guess what, Spike? Secret’s out… secret wants out… secret doesn’t want to be a fucking secret!”

“You know this was more than – “

“No, this was nothing, Spike,” I began to walk away. “One day, this will be a memory. It was fun, but it was fake. It meant nothing. I’m glad I met you Spike… I really did.”

And I broke off at a run.

…………

What was I doing? What was I thinking? I was at our special place again. The place that I had grown to love almost as much as I loved him. But I didn’t love him. No, no no no, no no no, no I didn’t. No love. At all.

It was still raining and my gown was ruined. My lovely, stupid gown. I sat down at our boulder. My boulder. Who cared if the gown got dirty?

The beach was about a little less than a mile away from the town hall and I had run all the way. It felt good to just run in the rain. Let out a little anger… a little heartache. The rain seemed to wash it all away… wash it all away.

“Buffy, let me explain.”

Oh, you got to be fucking shitting me.

“I remembered I told you ‘no’”

“Yeah, but I took your ‘no’ as in ‘eventually’, and I realized I had to explain now.”

He was standing behind me and this reminded me a lot of that night at the bonfire… except it was different in many respects. Many, many respects.

“You have problems with that word, don’t you?”

I wouldn’t look at him at all this time. Wouldn’t give him that. Had some pride to save.

“Yeah, I really do. Buffy, please… turn around,” he begged.

“No.”

“I want to – need to explain this…”

“Explain to your fiance,” I said, flatly. “She’s the one who needs explaining to.”

“I’m explaining to you, pet. Buffy, please.”

“Five minutes. Go.”

“Bloody hell, I need more than that,” I knew his hands were probably running through his head or maybe he was going through his pockets for a cigarette. But it was raining. The ocean was churning… a little angrier than it was used to.

“You’re wasting time.”

Silence. I knew his eyes were closed, or maybe he had his eyes up at the top of his head like he did whenever he was thinking real hard…

“I met her when I was eighteen,” he finally started. “Was nothing more than a one night stand… I was pissed, she was there, it was convenient. That’s all it was.

“I went on with life, as I always do. Happens that a week later, she shows up at my front step and declares ever-lasting love for me. I’m only eighteen… I hardly remember who she was, and I’m thinking ‘bloody hell, what have I gotten myself into?’. So I did the only thing a bloke in my position could do – I tried to straighten her out,” he let out a chuckle that held no amusement.

“Bloody great that turned out. I finally think I’ve got rid of the chit and a month later, she comes back. What do I know? Surprise, William, you’re a father, isn’t that just bloody fucking grand! Now that’s when I find out she’s fourteen years old and daddy’s waiting at home with a shotgun, ready to hunt me down.

“Turns out that her old man had another plan in mind other than shooting me. He made me a proposition. I agree to marry her, he’ll pay for my education, pay me through medical school, pay me whatever I need to set a stable business in the states. When I get myself all nice and settled… he’ll send over his daughter and we’ll have a happy wedding. If I didn’t agree to marry her, he’ll report me and I get up close and personal with the British Police.

“Buffy,… I was eighteen… I was poor, I had no money, and it seemed like a good choice. So I agreed.”

He was inches away from me now. I could feel it, but I was frozen in place.

“I haven’t seen her since I was nineteen. I never had a reason to regret my decision. But… then I met you,” he whispered.

I don’t know if I heard half the things he told me. Or if I even believed what I heard. I just knew… that I couldn’t go on like this. Couldn’t be the other one… couldn’t be the dirty secret.

“Okay,” that’s all I could say. I stared out into the ocean. Silence. He was staring at my back now. I knew he was.

“That’s all?” he asked. I nodded.

“There’s too much… too many things in the way. I don’t want to think about it,” I got to my feet and walked away. Away anywhere… I just needed more distance from him.

“Buffy – “

“This is wrong! Don’t you see it?” I gritted my teeth as I turned to face him. He was a mess. His jacket was discarded, his dress shirt soaked, his tie loosened…

For the first time .. he raised his voice.

“I know that! This thing between you and me? I know it’s wrong! You think I don’t know that? I’m not a complete idiot!” he was shaking, “You think I haven’t tried fighting it? Every night I tell myself that tomorrow I would forget! And every morning I wake up completely drowned in thoughts of… you! Bloody hell, Buffy, if all you have to say is that this is wrong… ”

I didn’t say anything. He continued.

“I’ve tried everything, love. And I can’t help it… I can’t save myself from drowning,” he reached his hand out to me then dropped it, hanging his head. “I couldn’t save myself from falling… falling completely in love with you.”

He loved me. Despite myself, something inside me swelled up and I almost smiled.

“What?” I asked, weakly, “you can’t… no, you don’t…”

“I do,” he looked into my eyes. “I’ve fallen completely, insanely, head-over-heels, church bells ringing, dangerously in love with you.”

It was too much for me to take in. The fact that he had this… this entire past I had no idea about, the fact that he had a fiancé, the fact that he loved me…

I needed time. And space. I didn’t know what was going on. I was so… confused. I had no clue what to do.

“I need… I need to go.”

That’s all I said. And I saw the pained look in his face as the words came out of my mind and it killed me to see him like that.

“I need time… please, just give me that,” I added. Half-pleadingly.

I walked away from him and didn’t look back. But I could feel the intensity of his gaze on my back the entire time.

A/N: The song is "Without You", in the Broadway musical Rent. It's really a beautiful song and I really think you should listen to it before reading this. It might get you into the mood - at least for the earlier parts of this chapter. I've never seen the movie, but the Broadway musical is incredible, and i think everyone should go watch it!


Chapter 15 Without You

Saturday, July 26th 2005

Fourteenth Entry.

I don’t know, Giles. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What would you do if the man,… or actually, woman you loved was engaged and you just found out? And then she tells you that she’s in love with you. And then you find out she has a son to top it all off.

Yeah, he had a son. I never met him… I heard he was the spitting image of his father, though. Name was James Liam Pratt. It’s a nice name, isn’t it? Nice and sturdy.

Yeah. It’s a nice name.

Monday, April 11th, 2005


Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom,
The children play. The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.



The orchid that my mother had bought over a week ago and had lovingly placed by the fireplace had finally blossomed. White, pure, it was a beauty. It was the first thing you saw when you entered the living room.

The spring always seemed to promise new life. With each April shower, flowers bloomed and life sprang up everywhere.

And for the few precious seconds after the morning alarm went off - you know, the fleeting moment before you wake up when you’re lying in bed pretending you don’t hear the beeping - I was happy. Then the world came crashing down and I remembered everything.

In school, I knew people were staring at me, trying to figure out what had happened on Sunday. Nobody approached me about it, though. Xander and Willow were there for me, offering an arm to hold, a shoulder to cry on. But they didn’t say a word. Nobody said a word.

Which left me to myself. They left me with my thoughts. And I was grateful. I was grateful.


Friday, April 15th, 2005


Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.



A week had gone by… flew by. I smiled, people smiled, everybody smiled. I played at the happy, carefree game. But God knows, inside I was dying. I never saw him. Not once in the week. I was happy. I was happy. I was happy just dying by myself. Feeling my heart clench up and my emotions clog.

I wondered how he was doing. But then I remembered his fiancé and I stopped wondering.


Wednesday, April 20th, 2005


The world revives,
Colors renew,
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue
Without you. Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walks, the lungs breath.
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!



The weekend came and gone and I prayed that I would see him. Not talk to him… just see him in the passing. Look into his eyes. But at the same time, I denied it. Of course I didn’t want to see him. I wanted to pretend he didn’t exist. So I locked myself up in my room and stared out through the clear glass of my window, wondering if he would stop by the house just to… see if I was home. And if I was when he stopped by, I would refuse to see him. But I would be happy that he cared.

He never stopped by.

I was a living contradiction and it was eating me up. And for the first time in my life, I was happy when school began. Because school provided distraction.


Saturday, April 23rd, 2005


The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I'm gone.
'Cause I die, without you.
Without you.



And by the time Saturday rolled around, I knew I couldn’t live anymore. I couldn’t just be a walking, breathing, eating, drinking lump of waste. I was incomplete and I couldn’t go on without … being whole again.

So I put my best foot forward and decided to go to the Bronze.

…………

Maybe it was the heat… maybe it was the pounding of the music… whatever it was, it was making me feel sick. The minute I entered the crowded club, I felt nauseous and my head began to spin. It was easy to spot Xander and Willow in the back corner and I made my way through the dancing bodies to get to them.

“Kinda hard to breathe in here, isn’t it,” I smiled as I slid into the booth next to Xander and across from Willow. They both looked at me at the same time, surprised.

“Hey, Buff,” Xander put his arm around me in a comforting hug and Willow smiled.

“You feeling okay, Buffy?” she asked, softly, patting my hand. I nodded.

“Trying to let loose, let some steam out, you know,” I gave them a cheery smile, but their melancholy faces didn’t fade away. “Hey, what’s with the sad-face, guys?”

“We’re just a little worried about you, that’s all,” Willow said, the tight smile disappearing and replaced with a frown.

“Why? I’m fine, see?” I pointed to myself and plastered a wide grin on my face, “happy. Everything’s of the good. No worries, promise.”

“You sure?” It was Xander’s turn to frown. “It’s okay if you’re still upset, Buffy. It wasn’t that long ago… You know, when I get a hold of that over-bleached jerkface, I’ll – “

“Stop,” it was becoming hard work to keep the smile up. “Look, I really don’t want to talk about it. I came out here to have a good time with my friends… can we just… do that?”

“Sure thing, Buffy,” Willow nodded, relaxing a little bit.

“Yeah, but don’t forget,” Xander pointed a finger at me, “if you ever, ever need to work off some frustration… don’t hesitate to come to good old reliable Xan-man here, okay? You seemed a little down all week and you know I hate to see you like that.”

“Thanks, you guys,” I told them, gratefully. I put my arm around Xander to give him a quick hug and he patted my shoulder reassuringly.

“So, did you study for that calculus test, yet?” Willow asked with a grin, “I heard it’s a real humdinger!”

“Willow!” Both me and Xander groaned in unison. I gave her a little look, “I said I was out here to have a good time.”

“What, you don’t want to study?” Willow pretended she was shocked, “but I learned a new way to memorize the trig integrals! It’s fun, I promise!”

“So, anyways,” Xander ignored her, turning to me, “has, uh, Cordelia mentioned anything about me, yet? Anything not along the lines of ‘dorkiest thing since pocket calculators’?”

“Well, not exactly,” I thought for a minute then brightened, “But she did say the other day that she would rather eat worm food than talk to your unpopular self!”

“Ah,” Xander smiled dreamily, reclining back into the booth, “she loves me. In a very not-loving way, but still, it’s something.”

“Xander,” Willow rolled her eyes. “She loves you as much as she loves getting split ends. What? That’s what she said the other day in the bathroom! I heard her!”

I laughed with her and Xander gave us both a glare.

“Just wait, ladies,” he insisted, “One day, she’ll recognize me for who I really am. A great, handsome, very intelligent man who’ll get her more money than any quarterback – “ Willow and I gave him a look “ – hey, I said one day - “

“One day in your dream,” A bright voice interrupted him and we all turned to see Cordelia, standing by our table. “Come to think of it, you probably already have dreamed tha – okay, I don’t want to think of it. Don’t look now, Buffy, but your boy’s just about to come in.”

And with a switch of her hips and a flap of her hand, she walked away, leaving us with our mouths gaping open.

The second he entered ‘The Bronze’, I could feel him and my head twisted of its own accord and my neck strained to get a glimpse of him. And there he was, all in black, staring straight at me. My breath caught in my throat and for a few seconds that seemed to last forever, it was just him and me in the club, looking at each other.

For those few seconds… the missing piece of the puzzle was set in place and I felt something that I hadn’t felt for the past two weeks. Complete. Electricity must have been shooting between our eyes. I felt myself beginning to heat up and the back of my neck started to tingle, deliciously.

And then somebody appeared next to him, taking his arm, and diverting his attention. The connection was broken and the puzzle was shaken apart until all the little pieces were lying haphazardly across the floor as Spike turned his head to listen to what his fiancé was whispering in his ear.

My stomach tightened in a jealous knot and I forced my head to turn away from the couple. The engaged couple. Willow grabbed my hand and gently squeezed it, pouring comfort in the simple gesture and Xander wrapped his arm around my shoulder to hold me close.

“I’ll kill him,” he breathed and I could hear the intense hate laced in with his words.

“No,” I shook my head, “he… he hurt me but he doesn’t deserve that.”

Yes, he did…

“He deserves to have his spleen pecked out by ravenous hawks by day and then have it grow again during the night so it can be pecked out again the next day. Like that Greek dude,… Hercules or something,” Xander was still fuming.

“You mean Prometheus,” Willow informed him, “and it was an eagle that devoured his liver.”

“You get my point.”

I couldn’t get into the conversation as Willow and Xander turned to a safer topic of cheese and milk. And I also couldn’t help myself from turning around every so often to see what Spike and his fiancé were doing.

Most of the time, she was clinging on to his arm and he was smiling at her. Sometimes they danced together, slowly, comfortably. Other times they were chatting animatedly. The more I looked over, the tighter I gripped the table in front of me. The closer they got, the more I saw red.

Until I finally felt the urge to scream and brought my hands up to my mouth to muffle the sound.

“But, provolone is so much better than mozzarella in so many different – “ they turned their heads as I vented my frustration, “Buffy? Are you alright?”

I opened the eyes that I had been squeezing shut and took a deep breath. Scanning the perimeters of the club, I spotted R.J. leaning against a tall round table surrounded by Faith, Cordelia, and Amy.

“I’m gonna go dance,” I smiled at them and pushed myself up from the cushiony booth and away from the table.

Deep breathes, Buffy, I recited to myself as I made my way towards R.J.. Faith saw me first and I saw her tap R.J.’s shoulder then gesture towards me. He slowly turned around and I noticed a small smile creep up his face. Okay,… you can do this… okay… concentrate… concentrate…

Before I knew it, I found myself standing directly in front of R.J. and smiling at him as if there was no tomorrow. I could tell he was pleased by the smug grin and the expectant look that was washed over his handsome features.

“So… R.J.,” I started…

“Hey, Buffy,” he said softly, smiling at me. This was going to be a lot easier than I thought.

“You wanna dance?”

He set down his drink on the table and held out a hand.

“’Bout time.”

Smiling sardonically, I took it and let him lead me to the middle of the dance floor. Almost as if they had been cued, the band changed songs and the slow, leisurely beat changed to a fast, alluring, upbeat tempo. Just what I needed.

As I pressed my back to his chest and wound my arms around his neck behind me, I adjusted myself to the rhythm of the song, closed my eyes, and began the process of losing myself completely. I pretended that the arms making their way around my waist belonged to the one man that I really wanted to dance with… the man with that low voice and the heart-fluttering accent. The man who knew how to make me hot, sweaty, and gasping for breath.

His arms held me close as we grinded together and his head lowered until he had his nose against my cheek and I let my head fall back against him. I was releasing my frustration. And I knew that it gave my dancing an edge.

I felt his eyes on me. Not the boy who was dancing with me – he was too busy nuzzling my neck and running his hand across the slightly frayed tops of my jeans where they hung loosely on my hips – but the eyes of a particularly good-looking male with a little scar on his eyebrow and beautiful cheekbones. Namely, the man I fell for. I saw his eyes staring at the way R.J.’s hands were skimming across my hipbones, making their way to the exposed skin between my pants and shirt. I felt his eyes burn with fury as R.J.’s hands slipped under my shirt.

I stopped their movements with my own hands, pushing his away until they rested still on my hips and I thought I could feel the anger coming from his eyes diminish… a little.

The song ended and I turned around to bring R.J.’s face to my own. His eyes widened a little as I gave him a small smile.

I brought my lips up to his ear. “Did I thank you for agreeing to dance with me, yet?”

I traced his shoulder with my hand and felt him shudder. “No.”

His voice was shaky and I have to admit… it was kind of cute. I laughed softly as I backed away.

“Don’t you wish I did?”

And I turned my back on him.

I knew he was probably staring after me with a shocked expression, but I didn’t care. I got what I wanted from him. Forgive me if this makes me a bitch, but I needed to know that somehow... I was still desirable. I wanted to feel power and I wanted to feel in control.

And I wanted him to realize it.

Chapter 16 Always Yours

Sunday, July 27th 2005

Fifteenth Entry.

Why do we get jealous? Do you know? Why is it that when we’re hurt, we strike back? And usually, it’s in a form to get whoever we’re trying to hit back jealous. I’m not really sure why we do it.

Take girls, for instance. We’re always competing, always comparing. Rivals do everything they can to have what the other wants. It makes you feel good when someone you hate is jealous out of their mind and seething in contempt. We like to hurt people.

I think that’s it. We like to hurt people.

So I guess the question is… why do we hurt people?

cont Saturday, April 23rd, 2005

I didn’t go back to the table where Willow and Xander were waiting for me. Instead, I slipped past the restrooms to the partially hidden backdoor and stepped out into the alleyway behind ‘The Bronze’.

The night was cool and I carelessly rubbed my bare arms with equally cool hands, trying in vain to warm myself, as the thoughts that had been piling up since two Sundays ago overwhelmed me. It occurred to me that I didn’t remember anything specific what went on in the past two weeks. It all seemed to meld together into a huge mushball of, well, two weeks. I had been living such a numb existence - nodding, agreeing, doing whatever I needed to in order to get by, not really letting my mind dwell on anything serious.

There was only one prominent thought that stuck me as I stood there, staring blankly out into the sky.

’I’ve fallen completely, insanely, head-over-heels, church bells ringing, dangerously in love with you.’

And when I had looked into his eyes, I saw it. Underneath the ocean blue, there was this… intensity, this great storm of passion, and I knew that he meant it. So why had I run away?

Oh yeah, because of a slight problem. His fiancé. I growled at the thought. I knew I couldn’t demand that he leave her and stay with me, as appealing as that may have sounded. It was selfish. It was stupid. Hell, it wasn’t even realistic!

Suddenly the door behind me slammed and my breath was knocked out as my body was whirled around.

“What the – “ I almost screamed, but it died in my throat as I was violently slammed against the brick side of the building. Ruthless lips were viciously smashed against mine before I could protest, pulling me into an angry kiss.

Everything that had been swimming around in my mind evaporated and I found myself responding almost immediately to him, demanding just as much as I was giving. Coherent thoughts were abandoned and the only thing I could hold onto was the feel of him, the brick wall scratching my back, the weight of his body pressing against mine, the brutality of the kiss along with –

“What the hell were you doing out there?” His lips were off of mine before I could come to any of my senses and he was pacing back and forth in the alley, refusing to look at me. “What the hell are you playing at?”

He was angry? I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and stepped away from the wall. Good. I wanted – no, needed - him to feel angry. To feel something. I watched him as he flung his hands up and raked his fingers through his hair.

“Practically shagging that bloody wanker on the dance floor. Buffy, what the fuck are you trying to pull?” he finally turned to me and I could see the fire in his eyes.

But I saw something else, too. Mixed in with the anger, the jealousy, contempt, fury, I could see a trace of hurt that outshone everything. I almost pulled him into my arms, but I fought the need to comfort him. What right had he to be angry? He was engaged for godsakes.

“It’s my business what I do on the dance floor and who I do it with,” I raised my chin and looked him defiantly in the eye. I didn’t want to say that. I wanted to go to him and hold him, assure him that it meant nothing. That it was just a way of letting my anger out.

“You’re mine,” he practically growled. His eyes were flashing dangerously and he took an intimidating step closer, but I refused to back down.

“No. I’m. Not.” I said slowly. “You’re engaged. It’s not my fault you went and got yourself a fiancé.”

“I didn’t – “ he started then stopped. “Buffy, you know that – “

“Stop,” I turned away. I could feel a tear make it’s way to my eye but he wouldn’t get to see it fall. I made sure of that. “You lied to me. You made me think that we could be together. Goddammit, Spike.”

“I told you there were complications!” He reached out to me and took hold of my arm.

“Not like this one! No, Spike,” I yanked my arm away from him, not believing what I was hearing. “The complications you mentioned? The fact that you’re my doctor? The fact that you’re more than a decade older than me? I was willing to live with that. Hell, I didn’t even really care. But this? You just threw this at me, Spike. After what we – after everything – you just… “

I couldn’t continue. There was a long pause before Spike spoke up.

“So.. what, you’ll just take it up with any bloke that’s up for the occasion? Just offering yourself to any takers? What is this, love? Retribution because I have a fiancé?” his words were icy and when I whirled around to push him as far away from me as possible, I saw that his eyes sparked with heated fire.

“You’re unbelievable. First of all, I know R.J. and he’s not just any random guy – “

“Oh, thank you love, that makes it all right and dandy! Why don’t you run along and finish shagging his brains out now.” His sarcasm wasn’t missed. I backed away from him, swallowing down the angry words that immediately pushed their way up to my mouth. I wouldn’t let him know how I felt… couldn’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t, wont.

“Fine.”

And I swiveled around to reach for the backdoor to the club.

“Don’t you dare…” he grabbed my arm as I started going back in. “Just tell me what it was… were you trying to hurt me? Because it worked, pet. I nearly died in there.”

I lost it. Where did he get off, telling me that I hurt him and telling me what I could or could not do. I gathered all my strength and swung out my fist, catching him fully in the nose. God, that hurt… I winced, bringing my hand up to my mouth.

“Bloody hell!” he yelped, clutching his nose and staggering backwards. I shook out my injured hand and turned on him angrily.

“And you think I didn’t die? You think I liked watching you hold her and smile at her out in public and not be ashamed to have her in your arms? You think I felt good when you told me you were married?” I didn’t let my tears fall down.

“Not married! Just engaged. I don’t even wear a bloody ring,” he shouted back, still holding his nose with his right hand and thrusting his left one out for me to inspect.

“Same difference! Spike, don’t treat me this way. Don’t treat me like I’m just your side whore,” I threw his waving hand away from my face. “Don’t treat me like I’m this mistress that you can just have around whenever you don’t want to be with your future wife.”

I thought I saw his face crumble a little bit. A wave of pain flutter quickly through his face and disappeared as his anger seemed to be dulled by hurt. His voice cracked a little bit. Just a little.

“You’re more than that, Buffy… you know that.”

Don’t listen… don’t listen to the nice words… don’t give in….

“Well tell that to your fucking wife,” I spat out.

“Fiancé,” he corrected me.

“Whatever!”

“Buffy – “

No!

“Stop! I don’t want to hear it. If she’s your fiancé, then what am I?” I asked him and I felt a salty tear trickle down my face and quickly wiped it away with the back of my hand.

He didn’t answer me. Instead, he looked down at my feet and didn’t say anything.

“That’s what I thought. This makes me your little fucktoy – “

“Don’t say that!” His head snapped back up.

“Then don’t treat me like one!”

“I don’t – “

I cut him off. “Don’t what, Spike? Don’t treat me like I’m your dirty little secret? Like I’m this mistress that no one’s supposed to know about? Oh wait! Never mind, that’s exactly how your treat me!”

Now, I couldn’t stop the steady stream of tears from running down my reddening cheeks. I glared through them, fighting to stay firm and strong when all I wanted to do was bury my head in my pillow and sleep. Maybe just cry to myself and Mr. Gordo.

“I love you! Doesn’t that mean something? I told you.”

He said it again and my heart jumped. No…

“I hear the words coming out of our mouth… but they don’t mean anything,” my throat constricted and my voice was starting to feel raw.

“Stupid sodding bint…” he muttered to himself. “How can you say that? They mean everything! They’re a bloody revelation!”

And I wanted to believe him, to just let his words reign in my emotions and let them comfort me. But I shook my head, denying them entrance.

“Tell me… what am I supposed to do with a man who claims he loves me one second and struts around with his fiancé the next? How do you think that makes me feel? Knowing that at the end of the day, she’s the one who really has you? Knowing that she’s the one you have a child with? What, do I just comfort myself at night and remind myself ‘oh, it’s okay… he says he loves me!’. It’s not enough, Spike.”

He looked at me with glistening eyes. Defeated eyes.

“What do you want from me, Buffy?” he asked, quietly. What did I want from him? God, I didn’t want anything from him. I just wanted him. All of him.

“I don’t know. Everything yet nothing. I’m not really sure… I want to mean something. What do I mean, Spike?” I sounded desperate. Desperately hopeful.

“You mean the world to me.”

And that was what I wanted. For me to be his world and his to be mine. Why couldn’t that just be it? Why couldn’t we just be together in our own little world? Run away together, hide each other, look in each other’s faces for the rest of our lives? But we couldn’t be, and I knew it.

“How can I mean the world to you… when I can only see you in back alleys?”

He took a meaningful step towards me and cupped my face in his hands. This time, I let him hold me and closed my eyes. His hands were so comforting. He leaned towards me and whispered, “I love you.”

I pulled away. “Again… I’m just hearing it.”

“What do you want me to do, love? Leave her?”

“Is it selfish if I say ‘yes’?”

It was selfish and I knew it. I couldn’t break up a family and cause distress like that. I only knew the feeling too well and I never wanted to be the cause of it.

“You don’t think I’d do that for you? If I could, I’d do it in a heartbeat,” his voice was clear and strong. He spoke pleadingly, searching my eyes with his as if he wanted to see my soul. “You know that.”

“Okay.”

I was too weak to say much. I knew what was coming – expected it, of course. Sometimes I let my hopes take over me. I let wishes run wild, almost believing they might come true. His eyes softened.

“I’m a man of my word. Pet, I can’t just leave her there after I gave her my promise. I have a son waiting for me in London. Granted, one that I haven’t been around much to see, but still. There’s too many… Her father’s the reason I’m here today. Hell, if it hadn’t been for the strings he pulled, I would never have met you.”

“And what difference does that make if you’ve never met me? I’d rather have not met you than sit in there and watch you with her.”

Silence.

He spoke the words again. “I love you. More than anything.”

I waited a moment, taking them in. Maybe, if he told me enough, I would let myself believe that it was enough for us. Love had to be enough for us – it was enough for everybody, wasn’t it? It had to be. Because if it wasn’t, then what was?

“I know,” I told him, softly, my raspy voice grating the air. He smiled at me, then. As if that was all he wanted from me. As if all he wanted was for me to accept his love.

He held out his arms slightly and moved a fraction closer to me. “Can I just.. Can I just hold you?”

I walked into his embrace as if it were the most natural thing in the world. When his arms tightened around me, I finally felt at home. My heart settled and my brain cleared, they were finally at rest. He rested his chin on my head and rubbed my back with soothing hands.

“Your mine, love. Whether you know it or not,” he whispered into my ear. I pressed my cheek against his and sighed when I was lightly prickled by barely-there five o’clock shadow. Evidence of his lack of shaving, I giggled inwardly then took a deep breath. I always loved the way he smelled. It settled me and I buried myself deeper into his warm body.

“I know it,” I said, closing my eyes as he wrapped his arms tighter, pressing me against his chest. “And it scares me.”

“Don’t let it. I’d do anything for you,” he rocked me back and forth. I sniffed a little and brought my arms around his waist.

“Except leave her,” I laughed, but nothing was funny.

“Except that.”

“So it’s almost like nothing,” I felt him tense up and start to pull away, but I held onto him tighter, bringing him as close to me as I could. “Don’t worry. I understand.”

He sighed, relaxing.

“You deserve better,” he murmured, lying his head down to rest on my shoulder.

“Maybe,” I replied lightly, “but I only want you.”

“I love you.”

“You told me.”

“I’ll tell you again. I love you.”

I tilted his chin so I could kiss his cheek then took a step back from him. He looked frightened, as if he wasn’t sure what I would do next, but was bracing himself for the worst.

“You know I can’t do this, right?”

“Do what?” he asked, voice tight, stance rigid.

“Be the other woman?”

Silence. So I tried to explain.

“My dad had an affair once. It nearly killed my mother. They almost got a divorce. It was the most horrible mess ever. I could never be the other woman.”

Talk about Cliffnotes version. It still hurt me to talk about what my dad had done. I didn’t speak to him for weeks. Sometimes, I wonder if I’ve ever forgiven him. I had made a pact with myself that I would never, ever be like that secretary. The stupid red-head with the false smile, fake breasts, and flirty eyes. I’d never be a homewrecker. Stupid, slutty, homewrecking whore with ugly hair, I silently cursed her. Again.

“I know,” he said, sighing a little, “you’re above all that.”

“Don’t make me be the one thing I hate to be. Please, Spike,” I begged him. He had to be the strong one, because I knew if he said the word, I would go to him - to hell with the fucking fiancé. And I didn’t want to be that kind of woman.

“We’ll find a way, Buffy. I know we will.” His tone was firm and determined and I could see in the stern glare of his eye that he was sure of it. He believed in us.

“And what will the way be? What if we don’t? Spike, it’s too much.”

My voice broke apart and again, the tears started coming. The night sky was clear, but I thought I felt a drizzle. Maybe it was just me. We looked at each other silently… I could almost see his own tears.

After a long while, I finally gave him one last look, tried to smile – even though I failed – and turned around to walk out of the alley. He didn’t try to follow me.

“So where are you off to now?” His voice stopped me.

“Home,” I told him, not looking back. “Get some sleep. Do whatever I can to forget about you. You?”

“Get back in there, have a drink, get pissed till I can’t see straight, then run to your window and serenade you. Best hope you’re asleep by then, love. I’m sure I’ll have myself a bloody embarrassing riot.”

I stifled a laugh and turned around to face him, not being able to hide a small smile. He had a hopeful look on his face and it was soon replaced by a slow smirk.

“Knew I could get a grin,” he smiled. I couldn’t help but giggle at his triumphant look.

“Your fiancé’s still in there?”

Good job, Buffy. Bring up the devil in a time of peace. He shook his head.

“Left with one of my pals. Good thing too, ‘cause now I can get hammered all I wont without her beating down on me.”

I laughed at that and shook my head. He made his way to the back door of ‘The Bronze’ as I backed away slowly out of the alley.

“Bye, Spike.”

I turned around and heard the sound of the door opening and closing. I didn’t know where this left me. All I knew was that wherever it was, was somewhere I had to get out of fast if I wanted to keep my heart – and his – in tact.

Suddenly, the door burst open.

“Buffy!”

I spun around. Spike was hanging half out the door. The sight of him made me smile. It always did.

“Yeah?”

“You still my girl?” He asked, placing a hand over his heart and smiling at me in that way of his. He knew I couldn’t resist it and I felt all the walls I was trying to build collapse.

“Always.”

And with that, I walked away from him.


A/N: So, I'll bet we have some people yelling at Spike, wondering why he won't just dump his fiance and be with Buffy. And here's why. Even though this IS fiction, and stuff IS sometimes overly dramatized ... I want my Spike to be resemble something human. And humans DO have some amount of respect for others and compassion, so that's why he won't just break off his engagement. AT LEAST... not yet. He can't just hurt somebody because of his own selfish needs... and he can't just abandon a son.

Maybe he would in all your fantasies about the perfect Spike... but think about it. Is he really that perfect if he would do something like that to his fiance? No... I wanted my character to at least TRY to do the right thing.

Hope you're still with me and keep the reviews coming! Thanks!

A/N: Okay... i've never been pregnant, so I tried doing a little research on it. I tried to capture the emotions of a young girl realizing that she's pregnant, but It just doesn't feel right. I'm posting it anyways, though. Maybe i'll just change it when i ... idk... really know.

Anyways... song is "On my Own"... in the musical Les Miserables. Hope you enjoy.

Chapter 17 Worst Case Scenario

Monday, July 28th 2005

Sixteenth Entry.

Well, Spike never did show up by my window to serenade me. In fact, I hardly saw him after that night behind ‘The Bronze’. It probably wouldn’t have been hard to seek him out if I really wanted to, but I guess I was doing my best to keep away from him. Now when I think back to it, I really wish I would have spent more time with him… maybe be a little more open…

Even as the number of days that he had been absent from my life grew larger and larger, the feeling in my heart never died down. It never lessened. I was more in love with him than ever, … and he didn’t even know. It occurred to me then that I never told him how I felt, and I wondered if he ever would, but the fleeting thought passed and I didn’t dwell on it.

Maybe I would have been more insistent on seeing him if AP’s and finals haven’t gotten in the way. The month of April passed and May rolled around before anyone could stop it and soon, we were all swamped with advanced placement tests and last minute work that teachers had thrown upon us.

So all the time that had been originally reserved for thinking about him were now utilized with some major heavy-duty studying. I hardly thought about anything else that wasn’t calculus or government related.

Which was probably the reason why I was quick to overlook some changes that were taking place in my body and brushed off any morning sickness I might have had, blaming it on some strange, annoying type of stomach virus.

But, I couldn’t overlook it forever

Saturday, May 7th, 2005

The eyes that stared back at mine were bloodshot and tired – most likely from the overload of tests the past week. I had dark rings under both eyes that contrasted against disgustingly pale, pallid skin. They looked sunken in, as if I hadn’t had enough sleep lately. Which was true – I hardly had any sleep lately and was exhausted all the time. As I continued staring at my reflection in the mirror, I swallowed down a queasy feeling coming from my stomach.

Whatever I did, I avoided looking at the open packet that was tossed recklessly onto the edge of the bathroom counter.

And of course, I have nothing to worry about, I told myself repeatedly … something I had been doing ever since I left the woman’s clinic that I had passed by on the way home earlier in the morning. The lady there had given me a sympathetic smile and I had quickly shaken my head ‘No… it’s just a precaution thing… there’s really no possibility…’

And she had said ‘Of course, dear.’ Which was all very well, because there really wasn’t any reason I should be… you know. I was on birth control, mainly because I had such horrible cramps whenever I got my period, but still. Birth control was birth control. And controlling the birth meant that one did not get pregnant… because… that would mean that the control of birth was not so much with the controlling and that would be… bad.

But I had nothing to worry about! Because I really wasn’t pregnant – there was no way, right? I mean, people get sick all the time. And I was only worn out because of all those tests I had to take last week.

Anyways. This was only a ‘just in case’.

Nonetheless, my palms were sweaty and shaking just a little bit. I had to hold my breath to keep myself steady. Okay. I could do this. Worst scenario: I’m pregnant. Oh god. Horrible… Horrible worst scenario…

Then again, nothing to worry about.

I squeezed my eyes shut, said a silent prayer then slowly opened my eyes and brought the small pregnancy test strip up to my eyes.

Um.

I reached out blindly and seized the box that it had come in. Instructions… directions… my eyes scanned the sides frantically. I looked around until I saw a folded sheet of paper lying on the ground and grabbed it.

Instructions.

I carefully read the small print. The more I read, the more dread I began to feel. My stomach clenched and the racing of my heart was slowing down. The small glimmer of hope that I had been holding on to – depending on – flickered and slowly burnt out until it was nothing but a few wisps of smoke in thin air. Air that had suddenly started to feel chilly as my throat dried and the little sheet with small printed instructions on it fluttered from my frozen hands.

No…

Sunday, May 8th, 2005

My eyes were fixated on a small brown spot on my ceiling as I lay on my bed, unmoving. It was in a shape of an egg and I swore I had never seen it there before. Now, It was Sunday morning and I hadn’t moved an inch since the day before when I climbed into my bed and tried to cry everything away.

Right now, I was in denial. Maybe it was all a dream. Maybe the indicator was wrong… maybe it was a mistake, maybe it would just go away, maybe…

There was only one person I wanted to see right now and as each minute passed by without him, my heart slowly began to crack. I started feeling the pangs that I had been numb to before. I wanted to run into his comforting arms, listen to his soothing words, pretend that none of this was happening.

In those stories I’ve read about women getting pregnant… they had all been so happy. As if it were a miracle. And right now, I felt as if it were a burden. As if I had just failed a test because of a million careless mistakes. I wanted to scream ‘why me?’ and hide away forever.

But I didn’t do anything except stay in bed and focus on that little egg-shaped spot on my white ceiling, pretending that as the sun rose, I would wake up from this nightmare.

…………

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone, I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

Once again, I found myself treading through the soft sand of the beach, walking alone with the moonlight guiding me. The sand sifted between my toes like liquid silk and the gentle breeze caressed my skin and made my nightgown billow out about me. I wrapped my arms tighter around myself as I shivered from the familiarity of the night.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me for ever and forever

I found my favorite boulder and sat on it, smiling at the feel of the cool, rough texture of the rock underneath me. My hand wandered to my stomach and I rubbed it, imagining a little baby growing within me. I tried to believe it.

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone, the river's just a river
Without him the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

“… What do I do?” I whispered and the wind carried my question to the ocean. A cricket replied with a song and an owl hooted out in the distance. The ocean rocked and the waves rolled and all of nature seemed to sympathize with me.

I didn’t know who to turn to. Who to tell. This was something that I had never before imagined in my life.

“I’m lost,” I looked up to the sky and tried talking to God. I wasn’t sure where to begin. “I don’t know where to go… I’m scared. I don’t want this to be happening. I.. I don’t know…”

I gave up.

As I stood up, an idea came to me. Not a solution by all means, but at least it was an idea.

I love you
But only on my own.


Monday, May 9th, 2005

The bell ran and the class filed out, but I lingered behind. I waved at Willow and Xander as they looked at me expectantly and motioned them to leave without me. When they gave me questioning looks, I nodded to Ms. Calendar and they gave me ‘ohh’ faces and quickly disappeared into the hallway.

I held my breath and made my way up to her desk, where she was busy putting papers neatly into different stacks. This was making me more nervous than I thought. I cleared my throat and she looked up.

“Buffy!” she seemed a little surprised to see me standing before her, but she quickly straightened up and smiled brightly at me. “How can I help you?”

“Uh…” I averted my eyes and tried to think of something to say. I took a quavering breath, suddenly doubting that this was a good idea. “I… I need help…” I managed.

“Buffy?” she lowered her head, trying to make eye contact. “Buffy? Are you okay?”

I shook my head and felt my eyes start to water. I brought a hand up to my eyes to quickly wipe the tears away before they had a chance to fall.

“What happened? Are you in trouble?” Ms. Calendar’s voice took on an alarmed tone and she walked around the table to stand next to me and put an arm around me. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“I think… I think I might be pregnant.”

The words rushed out of my mouth and along with them came the torrent of tears. My body convulsed in sobs and I couldn’t control them anymore. Hearing the words out loud for the first time had affected me like none other and I felt like I was reacting to them as if I had just found out.

Ms. Calendar held me as I cried, running her hands through my hair and talking to me gently. “It’s okay, Buffy. You’ll be okay.”

“I’m sorry,” I choked out.

“No, don’t be sorry. You’re fine. We’ll get you through this, honey,” she assured me. When I finally gained control of myself, she sat me down in one of the desks and took a seat across from me. “Are you okay now?” she asked, concerned.

I nodded, sniffling a little and quickly drying my eyes off with my sleeve. “I’m fine.”

“Okay. Are you sure you’re pregnant?”

I nodded again. “I did the home pregnancy test. I- maybe it was a false reading or something but… I’ve been feeling, you know… nauseous, I get sick, I’m feeling tired, I feel… disgusting, basically.”

“Okay,” she said, calmly, giving me a gentle smile. “Do you know who the fath-“

“Yes,” I told her, quietly. I looked away then and I think she realized who I was talking about.

“Oh,” her response came out hushed. “Oh my Go- “

“Yeah.”

I stared out the window to see the sun shining cruelly down on the football field. Some of the cheerleaders were outside, sitting on the bleachers together and talking and I wished I could go back to that. Back to that normal, carefree life when all that mattered was me.

Ms. Calendar took my hand in both of hers. “Hey,” she said, quietly. “Look at me, Buffy.”

I turned to her and saw her smiling gently at me. She made a point to look me directly in the eye and said firmly, “We’ll get through this together. It’ll be okay, honey.”

My eyes began to water again, but the tears didn’t fall down.

“I don’t know what to do,” I whispered, “Ms. Calendar,… I don’t – “

“Don’t worry. And you can call me Jenny,” she squeezed my hand. “Tell me, who have you told?”

“Only you,” I admitted and she smiled.

“Thank you, Buffy,” she said, “for trusting me with this. It means a lot to me and I won’t let you get hurt. We’ll do this together, okay?”

I nodded.

“Have you seen your doctor yet?” she asked me.

I gave her a confused look, “Dr. Pratt’s my – “

“No, not that kind of doctor,” she sat back and thought. “I’ll take you to the clinic and we’ll get you checked out. They’ll perform a few tests on you, make sure you’re really pregnant and everything’s going right, get you prenatal care. Then, we’ll take a look at your options… adoptions, abortion, but let’s see the doctor first. And you’ll have to talk to your parents about this, Buffy. William also deserves to know… as much as I appreciate you coming to me, I do think you should tell them. So when do you have time after school? We’ll have to plan a day to stop by that clinic and see …“

I smiled as she kept talking and planning. Things were far from being resolved but it took a huge load off my chest to have someone in on this with me, someone to share the burden.

...................................................................................................
A/N: okay, i hope none of that seemed really rushed. It's just that she's only got 4 more journal entries left for her to explain what's happening, and all of those are going to be EXTREMELY emotion-packed so get ready for a rollar coaster. I've gotten up to ch. 20 written, i just need to go back and fill in details, etc. So you guys can expect an update a day,... yay!

Just so you know right off the bat... after the journal entries end, the story will jump to 3rd person and we'll see some closure to it.

And i already have plans for a sequel that i think you guys'll find pretty interesting... it's light and hopefully happy. (hint.... has anyone ever seen the movie "ghost"? it has demi moore and whoopi goldberg in it... And, has anyone ever seen "Just Like Heaven"?... think about it, mix it up, and you get a general idea of the sequel. I don't use the storyline, just the basic idea.)

I'm sorry about the delays for "Stronger" and "Would you die for me"... after i finish this story, i'm hoping i'd have overcome the little block i have for both of them.

A/N: The song in the karaoke scene is "You're Beautiful" by James Blunt.

Chapter 18 Never be with you

Tuesday, July 29th 2005

Seventeenth Entry.

Everything seems to be so long ago… it almost feels as if there’s some sort of detachment between right now and before. Sometimes, when I look back, it feels like I’m an outsider, looking into someone else’s life. The emotions… sometimes I forget. Then other times, it all comes back to me and all I want to do is to make it stop.

Jenny took me to see the doctor on Thursday of that week. And that’s all I remember. If you asked me what the doctor looked like… I wouldn’t know. I don’t even remember if it was a female or a male, or what color hair he or she had. I barely even recall the conversation. Something along the lines of options and what I could do… I just stared out the window the entire time. Much like I’m doing now.

Thursday, May 12th, 2005

But one thing I do remember, and probably for good reason, was seeing Anya enter the building as we exited. I remember her calling my name and me being surprised, then me looking up and being even more surprised when I saw her huge belly.

“Can you believe it?” she gushed, happily, “Andrew and I are so, so incredibly happy! Being a mother… it’s hard to imagine, isn’t it? I think it’s even better than sex!” she paused for a moment and thought hard, “well, only sometimes.”

“We’re happy for you,” Jenny smiled as I just stared at her blankly. She put a comforting hand on my shoulders. “It was nice seeing you here.”

Anya stopped us before we could turn around, “Congratulations, Buffy! Even though you’re just a bit young to be a mother, I think it’s such a wonderful experience, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, backing away, “I love it.”

Friday, May 20th, 2005

I knew I probably should have told him the second I was sure of the baby, I knew I probably should have made an effort to see him, maybe I should have called him or left him a note. I almost did, too… the weekend after I found out. I had even driven all the way to his office and stepped up to the clear, glass door leading to the waiting room, but then I froze up. I remembered the way he talked about his fiancé, and how he regretted everything so much… how he didn’t want to have a child, but he had no choice.

A mother with a sick baby had walked up behind me and I just took one look at them then fled back to my car. I was afraid. Yeah, I admit it.

But, as Jenny kept telling me, I couldn’t put it off forever.

After an entire week, I decided to listen to her. I couldn’t wait forever. The minute I had gotten home from school on Friday afternoon, I decided that by the end of the day, he would know about his baby. His other baby.

It was one thing to make up my mind to tell him about the issue, but it was another thing entirely to find him.

I had gone around to ‘The Bronze’, the Expresso Pump, his apartment – which I had gotten from Jenny, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. I tried calling his cell phone but no one answered, and by the time I hit ‘Silver’, the karaoke club, I told myself that if he wasn’t here, I would give up and find him tomorrow.

I opened the club door and was greeted with a rendition of ‘Midnight’ from Cats. The large room was dimly lit and there was a blue haze floating down from the stage. There were people standing around, talking, some were seated on sofa’s on the far side of the room, some were at round tables that were scattered in front of the stage.

I was about to give him when I suddenly turned my head and caught a glimpse of him. Sitting alone at the bar with a Jack Daniels in his hand. The sight of him surprised me and my feet felt like they were glued to the ground as I just stood there staring. Determined that I would get this done tonight, I took a deep breath and walked up to him.

I stopped when I was standing immediately behind him. His shoulders were slouched and I saw a line of shot glasses trailing from his beer bottle. His leather jacket was slung across the back of his high stool and his black shirt seemed a little wrinkled. Judging by the disheveled state of his hair, I imagined that he probably wasn’t in … a good mood. But I bit my tongue and steeled myself to the ground as I put a hand on his shoulder.

“Fuck off – “ he snarled as he turned his head to see who had bothered him. When he saw me, he stared for a while, before turning back around to his drink, “Oh, it’s you.”

It wasn’t exactly the greeting I was expecting, but I decided I deserved it. Or at least I would deserve it after I told him what I was about to tell him.

“Uh, yeah.. I need to talk to you,” I decided to go with, taking a step closer to him. He didn’t turn to look at me and just took another swig of JD.

“Fancy seeing you here, pet,” his voice was low and gravelling and the tint of sarcasm lined in his tone hinted that he seemed far from happy to see me. “Didn’t think this was your type of gig. Nice little get up though, innit?”

I knew it wouldn’t be easy to get him to listen to me, but I had to try.

“It’s okay… I need to talk to you.”

“Oh, so now she wants to talk!” he exclaimed to nobody in particular. “What, love? You come to serenade me?” he gestured dismissively to the stage, still refusing to meet my eyes. I saw the sides of his jaws clench and I was silently happy that he decided not to look at me. I don’t think I would have been able to handle whatever anger and fire he decided to throw at me with those eyes that burn. “Upset, are you? That I forgot to climb onto your bloody tree with a bloody guitar and sing you a sodding song until you wept your bleedin’ eyes out and begged me to sweep you off your feet?”

“No – “ I started, but he didn’t give me a chance to finish. He swiveled around in his seat until his eyes were on mine. They were blank, absent of any emotion, and I remember thinking it would have been easier on me if he gave me fury, anger, something I could work with. But he kept them void and I had to look away.

“You know this place calls itself ‘The Silver’, pet? Reckon they have ‘The Gold’ somewhere in this bloody town? Render me bloody surprised,” he trailed off, smirking a little bit. I shuddered at the coldness in his voice and the slurred quality of his words.

“… are you drunk?” I asked, timidly. He was making me uneasy.

“Little bit sloshed, I ‘spose,” he shrugged, waving at the empty bottles and glasses in front of him, “Now don’t get your knickers in a twist, love. I’ve only had… uh… little bit. What the hell are you doing here anyways? Playing mum? Telling me I’m a bad, rude man that’s drinking too much?”

I took a step back. His voice was rising and he was scaring me.

“I told you, I need to talk to you.. but I can’t do this when you’re drunk.”

“Not drunk. Not drunk enough at least. Plannin’ on getting sopping pissed right and proper,” he signaled the bartender, who gave him one look and shook his head. “Oy! Don’t you shake – “

“I’ll come back later,” I turned around. He grabbed my arm before I could even take two steps.

“Leavin’ so soon, pet?” he yanked me close to him and brought his face down level with mine. I could smell the alcohol reeking from him and fought the need to hurl. “You’ve barely said a word!”

He pushed me back against a barstool and tried signaling the bartender again, “Here, I’ll buy you a drink.” Then, he suddenly snapped his neck around to look me straight in the eye and curl up a lip. “Oh wait.. you have a bloody condition.”

That caught me by surprised and I almost fell against the stool that he had roughly shoved me on.

“W-what?”

“That all you can say for yourself? ‘Wh-wh-what’?” he sneered in a high-pitched voice, mimicking me. “Think I wouldn’t find out now, did you?”

“Who…” I felt sick and suddenly, I wanted to run away from him. Run away from the man I loved that was becoming a monster.

“Got eyes and ears all round, love,” he crossed his arms across his chest, pleased with himself, “But I have to say, hearing Anya talk her little ass off about seeing you at the woman’s clinic was right priceless. Then, I had myself a nice little chat with your English teacher today, because I was so certain that the woman I love wouldn’t keep something like this from me. Ha! Let me tell you how wrong I was.”

Tears sprang to my eyes at his cruel words that I knew were true. I should have told him… I should have. And, before I came here, I knew he wouldn’t like the fact that I kept something like this from him, but I never expected this type of reaction. This unfeeling, sarcastic, … reaction. But, I told myself that it was the alcohol talking right now… that he would never be so mean about this. My voice came out a whisper…“Why are you being like this?”

“She asks me ‘why I’m being like this’” he burst out, laughing to an invisible crowd. Some heads turned to stare at us, curiously. “Un-fucking-believable! First, you pull off a bloody disappearing act and you know what? It hurt. It bloody hurt me. And then I find out that you’re fucking pregnant! As if I didn’t have enough fucking complications in my fucking life!”

He was starting to shout and people were definitely turning to see what the fuss was about.

“Spike… please.. can we go somewhere else and talk?” I pleaded with him. He wouldn’t hear of it.

“I’ve been burned by you bloody bitches long enough,” he raged on, jumping out of his chair and pacing around. He pointed at me furiously, “You can’t touch me anymore… you can’t hurt me anymore! I won’t let you! I won’t let any of you trap me! Put me in a bloody cage like you sodding bints like to do!”

I was confused and I tried to make him see reason…“Spike… what are you talking about?”

The anger in his face drained out and he swung his head towards the stage. The people who were singing had stopped and the music had ceased to play as all heads were turned our way. He suddenly grinned at me and grabbed my hand, pulling me off my stool.

“Oh look! Karaoke’s open.”

To my horror, He hurried to the stage, dragging me along. The couple who were standing there previously turned tail and nearly flew off the stage as he came stampeding on. I pulled him back and he turned to me with a gleam in his eyes.

“Want to come up with me, love? Get your kumbuy-yah-yah’s out?”

I felt my face heat up and I yanked my hand away from him. This was unbelievable… I couldn’t understand what his problem was. All I could do was watch him make a fool out of me and himself in front of an entire, very interested audience.

“Spike… stop,” I controlled my voice and held myself steady, pleading at him with my eyes.

“No? Suit yourself,” he shrugged and backed away from me as he approached the center of the stage. “Since you wont serenade me, I’ll serenade you!” He turned with a swagger to the microphone. “Hello good citizens of SunnyD!”

The crowd murmured a ‘hello’.

“What are you doing… stop…” I tried once more, but he paid me no attention.

“It seems like me and my girl have gotten ourselves in a little tiff here!” he laughed as if it were the funniest thing in the world. “Hey, Johnny boy over there,” he turned to the band off in the side of the club, “Just to show my girl how much I love her, I’m going to sing her a special song! How would you like that, Goldilocks?” he didn’t even turn to me as he asked. “How about ‘You’re so Beautiful’ by Good ole Jimmy fucking Blunt.”

“My god, Spike,” I muttered to myself and sank backwards, groping behind me with my hands until I found a chair to fall in. “What are you going to do…”

“My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.”

He was off-key and very clearly drunk out of his mind, but he strutted around the stage as if he owned it and sang like there was no tomorrow. I buried my head in my hands as he pointed to me and laughed, “Come on, baby!” he shouted into the mike, making it squeak, “Sing with me, why don’t you?”

“You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.”

At the last line, his voice took on a more serious quality, making me look up at him, confused. He smirked at me and kept going.

“Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
Fucking high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.”

He was shouting and people all around me were giving me pointed looks and whispering. Some booed and others clamped their hands over their ears. He paid them no mind and suddenly he fell quiet. I got up from my seat and made my way to the door of the club. I had to leave. I couldn’t stay and listen to this.

“You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.”

I reached the door and stopped. My back was facing him and for the first time that night, I felt like he truly acknowledged me. Suddenly, I had the sickening feeling that he was singing directly to me… singing for me… trying to tell me something. And what he was trying to tell… made my stomach churn.

“You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.”

“But it's time to face the truth,… I will never be with you.” he sang, his words almost a whisper. His voice was on target… it was sad, it was full of emotions, it made me want to choke.

I turned around from the door as he sang his last words into the microphone. With a quiet sob, I pressed my head against the cool glass and pushed the door open, running out into the sidewalk.

How could he have done that to me? Humiliated me in front of so many people… prodded me where it had hurt most? My tears dried on my face as the cool, night breeze froze them in place. I hugged my arms around my body, trying to control the sobs that were shaking me.

“Buffy, wait,” his voice stopped me and I took a deep breath before turning around. He was standing outside the club with his duster hanging on his arm. I didn’t have to look close-up to tell that there were tears streaming down his face as well.

“Why did you do that?” my voice was quiet and hoarse… I didn’t even know if he heard me.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he started walking towards me and I stayed put, not really able to move a muscle if I tried. When he was right in front of me, he brought his hands to my cheek. “Hey… don’t cry,” his said softly, gently brushing my tears away with his thumb.

“Why?” I asked him, again, looking up into his dark, blue eyes that were now swimming with the emotions that were absent from them earlier.

His eyes suddenly hardened and he took a swift step back. “Don’t ask me why, Buffy,” he seethed, fisting up his hands at his side. “You should know. You should know how much you hurt me. Maybe it’s the alcohol talking, but there’s only one thing I know right now. You want to know what that is?”

I didn’t say anything.

“I know that you betrayed me,” he shouted out. Heads turned and voices lowered around us, but he ignored them as he ran the other direction.

And that’s when I made my decision.

…………

Giles, if I were a better woman… if I had been smarter… I don’t think I would have listened to him. I wouldn’t have let his alcohol-laden mind make my decision for me. But, I didn’t know better. I went with my emotions and my emotions told me that I was nothing. They told me that I was disgusting, that I was horrible, that there was only one thing to make things right again.

And so that was what I did. I got rid of the feeling. I thought that I could make it all better, make him love me again, convince him that I didn’t betray him.

God, how stupid was I?

It wasn’t his fault… don’t even think that, Giles. It wasn’t even him talking to me. It was… I know, it’s cliché to say that it was the alcohol. But I think it was true. I think that inside his heart, something made him feel like he was being played. Something told him that it would be wonderful to get this… inconvenience … out of his chest. And this something triggered the words that he said to me that night.

Well, I thought that getting an abortion would be the best… my parents wouldn’t have to know, nobody would have to know, it would all be such a relief and I could go on with the rest of my life.

If that was what was supposed to happen… then why did everything go to hell after that fateful day at the abortion clinic? Why was it that every time I closed my eyes, I saw a child with dark hair and blue eyes gaze back at me with such loneliness.. such sadness?



........................................................................................
A/N: Just to clear it up... the song's not meant to be spiteful towards Buffy and it's not supposed to be Spike's way of telling her he doesn't want to be with her.

It's supposed to be a song reflecting his pain that in reality, he could never really be with Buffy because of society's rules, his engagement, his own expectations.

I just wanted to say this because you never really get Spike's perspective in the story... and i realized it's easy to think that he uses the song to be cruel to her and tell her he would never ever be with her. But it's not.

And i realize Spike really doesn't take the news well - especially since he heard that she was pregnant from someone other than herself. I know alcohol's not really any excuse for anything, but you'll have to forgive him for now. Anyways,... one more chapter and you'll love him again.

hope you enjoy.

A/N: I did do some research into abortion and i realized that it couldn't really fit into the timeline of the story - since it's normally done after the 6th week or something. I decided to leave the abortion scene out... i think it would make it more powerful that way. To have the feeling of guilt and the emptiness of emotions that follow. Making the scene real... i guess it just makes it more concrete and less... important.



Chapter 19 Forgive Me

Wednesday, July 30th 2005

Eighteenth Entry.

I have two more days with you, Giles. How bout that, huh? Promise to miss me? I know I’ll miss you.

Every single time I lie in bed and try to sleep, I see her eyes. They haunt me, even now. But it was worse back then. Back then, it was like a living nightmare. I saw her everywhere, not only just in my dreams. I saw her face staring back at me in the mirror, I saw her sitting on the counter with two little dark-brown pigtails, I saw her reflections on window panes, I saw her sitting by the window when I woke up…

That first week after the ‘incident’ (It scares me to say ‘abortion’)…I thought maybe I was going crazy. I could hardly sleep, but it hurt to much to stay awake. The guilt… it overwhelmed me, it smothered me, it accused me of murder, everywhere I turned, I heard little bitty voices saying “go… go to hell”

Sunday, May 29th, 2005

It was almost passed midnight when I finally dragged myself into my room, automatically turning to look at the windowsill, expecting to see my little girl sitting there, deathly still, staring at me with big, empty eyes.

So it’s safe to say that I was fairly surprised when, instead, I found her father sitting there in a blood red button-down shirt, black pants, and black combat boots. He had Mr. Gordo in his hands and was staring down blankly at him… I wasn’t sure if he was seeing anything, though. His hair was rumpled and his skin looked paler than usual.

“Your shoes better not be dirty,” I mumbled, then flicked off my room lights and made my way to the bed to get safely under the covers. I imagined that he probably looked up, surprised that I caught him, then sat there silently staring at my back as I got myself ready to go to sleep.

An eternity passed without a sound coming from either one of us. I counted to one hundred before I twisted around under the blankets to look at the windowsill, wondering if I had just imagined him sitting there.

Sure enough, he was still there, staring at me with unreadable eyes. His shoes were still on. We silently regarded each other for a moment before he finally spoke.

“I had some time to think things out,” he started, getting up off the windowsill and walking the length of my room. “I sorted out my affairs, made clear of things, and I deci - Buffy, I’m sorry.” The last part seemed to burst out of his mouth unplanned, sounding rushed and anxious.

I couldn’t deal with seeing him there, so I turned around again, facing away from him. I didn’t feel any of the emotions that I had been expecting: no more tears, no more anger, no more anything. Just simply … nothing.

“Buffy, please,” his voice was pleading and he walked across the room to kneel down beside me on my side of the bed. “I was a right git and I know it… I said some horrible things to you that I never meant. Please, love,… I’m sorry.”

I looked into his eyes, shadowed in the darkness but gleaming from the nighttime stars. When I didn’t respond, he moved his hands up to stroke my hair.

“Please… say you forgive me,” he whispered, bringing his face near mine. “I didn’t – I was being a fucking wanker,… I’ll do anything, Buffy. Anything you ask to make things all right with us again. Please?”

He brought his lips down to mine and gave me a soft kiss. I didn’t push him away, but I didn’t do anything to go further… I didn’t even feel any of the emotions that I was supposed to feel. When I didn’t respond to him, he pulled away and kept trying. “I can stay here, Buffy. We’ll have the baby… I want it more than anything. I want you to be the mother of my child, love. We can be so happy together, we can do it! Please, Goldilocks, I’m so sorry.”

I saw the tears glisten from his eyes but they didn’t faze me. He went on. “I never meant the things I said about our baby, love. I was just angry that you wouldn’t come to me… and I was confused about Cecily and my son, James. Things were happening too fast and I said hurtful things. But I know that the second you tell me to stay with you, I will. Sod everything else. I want to be with you. This baby’s a miracle, pet. It’s a bloody miracle! I see it now and I want it… I want it more than anything.”

I couldn’t take it anymore and I turned my head to stare up at the ceiling. It wasn’t until I heard his desperate “Baby, please… I love you” when I moved to the other side of the queen sized bed… to get away from him.

Then, I took a deep, shuddery breath and told him what he had to know.

“There’s no baby, Spike,” the words seemed to float in the night and disappear through my window. I heard no immediate sounds from his end and closed my eyes to prepare myself for an outburst.

Just as I felt that I had enough of the uncomfortable, rigid silence, I felt the bed move and the springs creak as he got on it and shuffled across to come up behind me.

“… no baby?” his voice was low. I didn’t know whether he was happy or not.

“Not anymore. Please leave. I want to be alone.”

I silently prayed that he would just disappear so I could sleep and rest and not think anymore. But it seemed as if God was tired of answering my prayers and he stayed where he was.

He ran his hand down my arm and I flinched from his touch, making him quickly pull away.

“Leave.”

I said it again, as firmly as I could muster up.

I felt his breathing hitch as he paused, then felt the bed shift again as he climbed off. The last thing I heard before he climbed out of the window to leave was a solemn, “I’m sorry, Buffy. I love you.”

But even that was too surreal, and I just pretended I imagined it.

Monday, May 30th, 2005

I opened my eyes slowly and reached out to break my radio alarm clock once and for all. But the problem was that after I slammed my hand down on the snooze button, it kept playing. Frowning groggily, I brought my hand down on it again… and again… and again. And the music just kept playing and playing and playing each time.

“What the – “ I turned around and nearly fell off the bed at the sight I saw at my window. There Spike was, strumming his guitar and humming softly. He was crouched under the windowsill and his eyes were closed. He was a sight to behold and I couldn’t help but smile at the contented boyish look on his face, framed with loose blonde curls loosened from their normal gelling as I recalled the first time I ever saw him.

“’Morning, baby,” his voice broke me out of my reverie and my eyes snapped up to lock into his now open ones.

“Spike.”

I sat up and all the memories came rushing back, just like they did every morning. My head spun a little as he got to his feet and made his way over to the bed.

“Sleep well?” he asked me, sitting next to me and raising his hand to stroke my hair. I flinched a little at the contact and he paused, but after a few seconds, he resumed his ministrations and I slowly relaxed.

“Guess so,” I numbly replied, staring at the floor. Then I looked into his face, “you were here last night?”

He furrowed his brow. “You don’t remember?”

“Thought it was a dream,” I looked away. He pulled me closer to him and my head fell onto his shoulder.

“It wasn’t a dream,” he whispered against my hair. “I’m sorry, Buffy. For what I said before… I don’t think I’ll ever forgive myself.”

I didn’t say anything to that. I didn’t really want to be reminded of that. I just sighed and breathed in his scent, smiling unconsciously as the leather and smoke filled up my senses. He held me tighter and I let him. Finally, I asked him, “Why? Why’d you say it, Spike?”

“I was scared, I guess,” he mumbled and ran his hand up and down my arm. “When I heard, I was hurt that you didn’t tell me – I wasn’t sure if you were going to. And mix that into all the bloody chaos that just jumped into my life… I was confused. When I went to the club, I only meant to have a few beers, but I ended up drinking so much that I convinced myself that you were trying to trick me to stay with you.”

I stiffened at that and tried to pull away, but he tightened his hold on me. “I know, love.. I know you would never do that. I was drunk, my head was playing tricks on me. I wasn’t thinking clearly. It’s no excuse, and I know it.”

“Yeah,” I agreed softly. “It isn’t an excuse. And I’d never do something like that. Not to you.”

He held me for a long moment until I finally pulled away and muttered something about needing to go to school. As I moved around, trying to get ready, he sat there on my bed, watching me. I left the room without looking back at him.

The images of my baby were coming back to me and I couldn’t bear to face him.

-- updating ch. 19,20,21 in a chunk --

Chapter 20 Just say it

Thursday, July 31th 2005

Nineteenth Entry.

After that morning on Monday, I saw him every day for the rest of the week. Every morning, he was my alarm clock, singing to me and playing his guitar. Every night, he held me until I fell asleep. His face was the last image in my head at night and the first thing I saw in the morning. Every day, he told me he loved me.

I didn’t say much in these visits. Many times, I wouldn’t even let him come near me. The pain was just too much and my heart broke with every touch. Sometimes, I would just listen to him talk and stare at the wall. I hardly ever responded to him. I certainly wasn’t warm.

Thursday, June 2nd, 2005

By Thursday night, I was consumed by the numb sensations running up and down my back. I felt as if I couldn’t feel anything… everything I touched was just icy and cold and I could never comprehend what it was underneath my fingers. I was hardening. I was becoming a shell.

And when he crawled through my window for the fourth day in a row, I suddenly found my outlet. I couldn’t stop myself from jumping into his surprised arm, nearly toppling him over. He was hot under my icy skin and he was a living fire that I needed.

I nearly killed him, I think, when I pressed my lips to his, devouring him practically whole. I was urgent… I needed him, I needed the heat he provided, I needed what he made me feel.

“Buffy?” his voice mumbled beneath my lips, but I cut him off with my probing tongue. He kissed me back and my heart sighed in relief. His arms went around my waist as he staggered over to my bed and deposited me onto the sheets. As I fell back, he followed and soon, I felt the full weight of him against my body, pinning me to the mattress. I was alive.

I had forgotten how delicious his mouth was as our urgent tongues dueled it out and I had forgotten how he could make me shiver with just a finger running the length of my body.

“I need you – “ I gasped when we pulled away for a long breath. His eyes were clouded and his chest heaved.

“Buffy,” he breathed before capturing my lips again. Both his hands sought out mine and our fingers intertwined as if they did it everyday. He ran his hands up my arm, then slid them down my upper body, resting them on my hips. I couldn’t get enough of him and before I knew it, my hands were slipping under his shirt and working to lift it over his head.

“… Buffy?” he asked me quietly as I flung the black shirt across the room and pushed him over so he was lying on his back. “What are we doing?”

“Feeling good,” I whispered in his ear before viciously biting it, eliciting an enticingly erotic hiss from him. “I wanna feel good.”

I licked a line up his neck and along his jaw, then sprinkled kisses under his chin. “Tell me you love me,” I pleaded in his other ear.

“God, Buffy,” he panted, “I love you. You know I do.”

He cupped my face in his hands and reached up to kiss me sweetly. I opened my mouth to let him in and our tongues danced together. A beautifully languid dance that I missed so much. Feeling his body under me and his mouth against mine slowly began to calm me down. I knew it couldn’t go further than this, and the fire that I sought out from him had been given to me and now I knew I had to put it out. I didn’t want to do something I regretted.

“Can you just… kiss me?” I asked, silently after we broke away.

He smiled and kissed me again.

His lips were tender and soft and his movements were slow and fluid. We stayed like that for a long while, tasting each other, reveling in the feel of each other. After a few moments of silence, he asked, “What happened, love?”

“It’s weird,” I told him, rolling over to my side and wrapping an arm around his waist.

“Need more than that,” he grinned, kissing my forehead.

I buried my head in the crook of his neck and sighed. “I kind of felt like my entire body was given a Novocain shot. I needed you.”

“You have me,” he told me.

I smiled. “I know.”

He left a little past midnight when he thought I was asleep. I kept my eyes closed as he gently lifted himself up from the bed and walked across the room to retrieve his shirt. Before he left, he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me.

I opened my eyes as I saw him position himself over the window to grab a hold onto the branch of the tree he was preparing to climb down. I went back to sleep, smiling.

Maybe…. just maybe, things could get better.

Friday, June 3rd, 2005

Then Friday rolled along and I was proven wrong. He came back to me late at night the next day – Friday - and I knew from the moment I heard a branch snap from outside my window that something bad had happened. Or something bad was about to happen.

“Buffy, I’m leaving tomorrow.”

I looked up from my homework to see him climbing through my window the same way he had climbed in every single other night of the week. At his words, my mind started racing and the world around me seemed to spin a little faster than usual.

“Leaving,” I repeated slowly. Maybe he didn’t mean what I thought he meant.

He paced around the room, restlessly. “The plane for London leaves tomorrow at noon,” he told me, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t know until this morning. Apparently, Cec told me about it first thing when she arrived. But I swear I didn’t hear a bloody thing until this morning.”

“Oh,” was all I could manage. I bit my lip then asked, “How long until you get back?”

It occurred to me then that when he came back, he would more than likely be a married man. Would I be ready to take that? Was I ready to let him go? He already said that he would stay if I asked him to, right? Was that just because he thought I was carrying his baby? Or was it because of me.

“Not for at least a month or two,” he told me, still walking the length of my room. He refused to look at me and I could see his jaw working itself into a knot.

“Oh.”

I couldn’t say anything else. All the questions I wanted to ask him… I couldn’t. He stopped walking and suddenly turned towards me. “Buffy…?”

“Have a good time,” I cut him off, turning around to get back to my homework. Something in me clamped up and I couldn’t really breathe anymore. I took a couple of deep breaths and closed my eyes, forcing my guts to stay in my stomach.

“Love?”

I didn’t let him finish. “You’re a great dad. I’m sure of it. Just … go and be with your family.” I couldn’t believe the words coming out of my mouth. His family. He wasn’t even married… yet.

“Buffy… I – “ he tried again, and again, I stopped him.

“And make,… and make sure you keep yourself safe,” I was starting to ramble, but I couldn’t help it. “Take pictures! Lots of pictures… and send me postcards. I hear it’s cold in London… rainy, too. Maybe you should bring extra layers instead of tha-”

“Buffy…“ he raised his voice a little, but I couldn’t bring myself to face him.

“I’ll miss you,” I rushed out.

“Buffy!”

“What?” I quickly wiped a tear from my eye before he could notice and turned around to finally look at his face. It was contorted in… something that seemed like pain. His eyes were shining, probably from tears. He looked desperate for something. Something I couldn’t quite put a finger on.

“Please… try to listen…” he begged me, quietly.

“Listening. I’m all ears Buffy,” I attempted a smile. It didn’t work. Even if it did work, it wouldn’t matter because he wasn’t looking at me anymore. His stare was fixated on a picture hanging on my wall.

“I love you.”

He said it reverently. He said it in a way that let me know that he was completely serious. Oh. I tried collect the tide of thoughts rushing all over. I love you, too.

“I know,” I managed. He tore his gaze from the picture and faced me. He took a step closer and accentuated his words.

“I don’t want to leave…”

Don’t… I love you… My brain - my heart - was screaming at me, but my mouth wouldn’t listen. I couldn’t say what I wanted – I needed – to say.

“But it’s the right thing to do.”

Silence. I gritted my teeth. It didn’t feel like it was the right thing for him to do. His eyes dropped to the floor then flew back up to mine.

“Remember what I told you that night?” he asked, almost pleadingly. “When you told me about… the baby? That I would – that I would do whatever you wanted me to do?”

Stay… I love you, I begged. But the words never left my mouth.

“The only thing I want you to do, is to be happy… be with your family… “

What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I tell him? My throat felt completely dried up and I tasted a bitter tinge at the tip of my tongue. His face fell.

“Right,” He paused. “My family. Buffy – “

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you… I squeezed my eyes shut and swallowed hard. I tried to say it.

“Please, don’t make this harder than what it is,” I whispered. I felt like I was falling off a cliff. He looked like he just fell off a cliff. Why was it so hard?

“It doesn’t have to be hard…”

I love you…

I took a deep breath. “Spike, I – “ I couldn’t say it. God help me, I couldn’t say it. I loved him so much and I couldn’t even bring myself to tell him.

“Yeah?” he looked up, hopeful. Say it.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said quickly. His eyes widened and mine swelled up in tears. I brought my hands to my face and tried to control my breathing.

“Oh,” his shoulders slumped. None of us said anything for a while. The temperature rose a few degrees and you could almost cut the tension with a knife. “I’ll miss you, too. I love you.”

I love you!! I wanted to scream. I wanted to shout it to the world. I wanted to jump into his arms and whisper it into his ears again, and again, and again. I was going to yell out from rooftops and bellow it across the Pacific ocean. I was going to jump for joy and proclaim my love forever. I took a deep breath and said… “Yeah, you told me.”

Pathetic. Sad.

He looked away. He couldn’t even bear to look at me anymore. “Oh. Yeah.”

Stay with me…

“You should go.”

He took a deep breath. Or a few. “I suppose I should.” He reached me in two quick steps, hugged me for two quick seconds, then was out of the door before I could even blink an eye.

My head fell against my desk and I started to cry. Why couldn’t I tell him I loved him?

........................................................................................
A/N: One more chapter of diary entry left... and then we'll be going into third person and to the present time.

-- updated ch. 19, 20, 21 in a chunk --
A/N: The song is "Your Eyes" sang by Roger in the Broadway musical Rent. I love that musical. Everybody go watch it.

Warning: This chapter's pretty emotionally charged...

Chapter 21 Your Eyes

Friday, August 1st 2005

Twentieth Entry.

You know that feeling, Giles? When you know that you should have done something and you know because you didn’t do that something… that everything was going to go to hell? It’s when your insides feel like they’re being dropped down Kilimanjaro and your body still feels like it’s being suspended in air.

Well I plummeted down a hole that night, Giles, lying in bed and seeing his face everywhere. I tried to convince myself that what I did was for the best, you know? He had a son, he had a fiancé, he had a life, he had a lot of things that didn’t include me. And I had a lot of things that didn’t include him.

I tried to remember the words he said that cut me to the bone. The words he said to me at the club when he sang that song. And I don’t know what to do. I will never be with you…. He had told me that I had betrayed him… I don’t think he was exactly coherent that night, but still. His words had hurt me more than anything else. He was the only one who could hurt me like that, it seemed.

And then I remembered the look in his eyes when he first told me he loved me. I remembered those times he held me under the stars on the shore and the way he made me laugh and feel absolutely perfect. I remembered his rumbling laughter and his beautiful voice as he joked around with me. I remembered the way he sat persistently on my windowsill, day after day, no matter how much I ignored him or pushed him away.

And I remembered how I loved him. Love him. Always will love him. And I realized at that exact moment that there was no way in the world that I was going to let him slip away.

Saturday, June 4th, 2005

I didn’t bother changing into jeans as I got up from bed. The second I processed the world around me and decided that yes, I was, in fact, awake, I shot out of my room as fast as my legs would carry me and rushed into my car.

I think I broke every single traffic law in the book that morning in my hurry to get across town to his apartment. I didn’t care… I was single-minded Buffy and I had one goal in mind. Find. Spike. And after I found him, I’d figure out a way to tell him. He wouldn’t leave me after that. He couldn’t.

As I pulled into the parking lot to his apartment complex, I glanced at my watch. 10:48 am. How did I sleep in so late? It didn’t matter. Run to apartment.

I forgot to lock my car door as I sped across the lot, into the building, and up the stairs until I reached the second floor. My heart thumped nervously in my chest as I approached his door and my mind was reeling out of control. I wasted no time.

“Spike! Spike… It’s me! Buffy!” I pounded on his door, desperately wishing it would spring open and he would stand before me, surprised as can be. “Open the door!”

I waited for a few seconds for him to yell out his… “Bloody hell, I’ll be right there.”. But it never came. I counted to ten. Maybe he was still asleep. It was just like him to oversleep! Especially on a day like this.

“Come on, Spike!” I shouted, resuming the pounding of his door. “It’s me, open up! I need to talk to you!”

I pressed my ear up against the door to listen for footsteps coming to the door… maybe a body dropping out of bed, shower running, TV too loud, something. But all I got was silence. Deathly, empty, nothing silence that sliced into my gut.

“Spike!” I felt my eyes start to water up and I tried to hold them back. I wouldn’t let them fall because that meant that he was gone. And he couldn’t be gone. “Spike! Please!”

There was no answer. I leaned my back against his door and covered my face in my hands. He had to be in there. I knew he had to be.

“Please… please, Spike…” I slid down the door and the tears fell down. I started crying and I couldn’t stop myself. “Please Spike… please open the door.”

I heard a sound of a lock turning and looked up to see the door across the hall open. An old lady peeked out and fixed me with a stern glare.

“Dear, I believe Dr. Pratt and his fiancé are on their way to the airport right now. They left about an hour ago,” she said, obviously irritated at me. “Now will you be so kind as to stop making all that racket? Some of us are trying to sleep!”

With that, she went back in and slammed the door, leaving me heartbroken and hollow. No…

…………

I sat against his door for another hour on the off chance that maybe he was in his room and his neighbors were crazy. Or maybe he forgot a suitcase and had to hurry back to get it. I waited and waited, not willing to admit to myself that he was really gone. I wouldn’t let myself believe it.

But as 12:00 slowly came and went, I got to my feet and walked back out to my car. I walked slowly, because maybe he decided not to go. Maybe he decided ‘to hell with it’ and would come hurrying back to me.

I felt like I was walking through a dream… everything seemed so surreal. Maybe it was a nightmare and I’d wake up soon to find him by my window again, singing to me. And then I would tell him.

So I waited for myself to wake up as I got into my car and started the engine. I waited for myself as I pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto the main road. I waited all the way on the drive back home until I pulled into my familiar driveway. Involuntarily, my head swiveled to my window, checking to see if maybe he was on that tree, waiting for me to get back to my room.

But he wasn’t there.

Dazed, I opened my front door and went into my house. I had never felt this way before. Before I could have a moment to process the morning’s events, my mom’s head popped out from the kitchen.

“Buffy, you have a phone call!”

That phone call changed my life.

…………

… Miss Summers, there has unfortunately been an accident …

… head on collision heading back to Sunnydale from the airport…

… regret to tell you that he is currently in a comatose state …

… was transferred to the hospital in Sunnydale …

Have you ever had one of those moments when you hear something and you freeze? More often than not, you freeze because of the initial shock, but once you actually have time to understand what’s going on, you stay frozen because you’re in denial? It’s as if all time had just stopped and all you can hear is your heart slowly pumping away in your chest?

Sometimes even the heart feels like it just died and wont ever wake up. Inside, you know you should be running, screaming, crying, doing something other than standing there still with the phone pressed against your ear. The other person’s still talking but you don’t hear what they’re saying. All you know is that voice going through your head… No… no… no… no… no .. no .. no, no, no, no no no nononononono until you go crazy and you finally burst.

…………

The second my mother pulled the car up along the circular driveway of the hospital, I ran to the information desk by the front door in a frenzy.

“Pratt, William,” I told the receptionist, who looked up at me then slowly put her glasses on before wheeling herself over to the computer to look up the name. I tried to urge her on, “hurry, please.”

She gave me this little, annoyed look before setting to work, typing each letter into the computer carefully. Her fingernails were so long that she literally took forever on each and every letter and by the time she hit ‘enter’, I thought I would literally combust and light her shiny hair on fire.

“Fourth floor. ICU,” she told me, coldly, going back to her paperwork. I didn’t glance back at her or say thank you as I sprinted to the elevators. I pushed passed the couple getting out of the elevator and earned a flare from the elderly man next to his wife in a walker. I didn’t care.

‘Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry,’ I wished the elevators to move on faster after I pressed the ‘4’ button, but they slid ever so slowly past first floor… second floor… third floor… ding!.

The second the doors were open, I was miles away, searching for the Intensive Care Unit. I found it off to the right, behind a green and yellow waiting room, closed in by double doors. I was seconds from breaking the damned doors down, but a nurse materialized out of nowhere and stopped me before I could get through.

“I’m sorry, but you’re not authorized to go in there,” her tone was clipped and icy. What the hell was with these nurses?

“I’ve got someone in there that needs me,” I felt the tears spring to my eyes, but my anger shone through my pain. “I’m a goddamn visitor! I need to go in there.”

“I see, and what patient are you here to visit?” she looked down at her clipboard.

“Pratt. William Pratt,” I told her and she scanned her list. She frowned when she saw his name and looked up at me. “What’s your relation with this patient?”

“I’m his sis- “ my voice died as I saw Cecily walk through the same double doors that I had just tried to burst open seconds ago. She came towards me and when she saw me, her eyes narrowed into thin slits. I finished my sentence with a gulp, feeling a sickening sense of dread come over me…“ – ter.”

“Sister?” the nurse sounded suspicious and a little confused, “sorry, but his fiancé didn’t mention a – “

Cecily had walked up to us and was standing right behind the nurse now, facing me. Her eyes were so hard and her lips were set in a thin line and I felt my heart drop when she tapped the nurse’s shoulder.

“Excuse me,” she said in a refined British accent. I gave her one last look, trying to make her understand, but I realized it was futile. The tears sprang to my eyes and I turned my back, walking away slowly from the nurse I had just been talking too. It was obvious that Cecily wouldn’t let me see him.

“That woman,” I heard Cecily continue in her articulate tone of voice, “is William’s sister.”

I stopped, shocked beyond belief and numbly turned around to stare at the woman that I had once seen as a haughty, snubby bitch in astonishment.

“Oh!” the nurse seemed flustered at her admission, “Okay… well, visiting hours close in about half an hour… “ and she walked away, leaving me alone with Cecily in the waiting room in front of ICU.

I didn’t move a muscle and just stood there staring at her. “Thank you…” I finally mumbled. She shook her head.

“I’m not doing it for you,” she told me. “I understand that you had… a relationship with William. And I think that he loves you…”

She began to lead me through the double doors into the intensive care unit.

“No, I know that he loves you… and believe me,” she gave me a short, humorless laugh, “I know what it is like to be in love. And who am I – “ she turned to face me “ – to stand in the way?”

We stopped in front of a room and my heart broke to see the man I loved lying helpless on a hospital bed, hooked up everywhere to various tubing, looking so… lifeless.

Cecily closed her eyes at the scene and said softly, “The doctors say that there’s a high chance that he may enter into a persistent vegetative state. I just think… maybe you’re what he needs to get past this. Go to him.”

I gave her a grateful smile and slowly walked into the room. I heard her close the door behind me, but my eyes were glued to the body lying in there before me.

The room was small and there was a window next to his bed. The walls were painted pink and I almost smiled at that. I saw a chair in the corner and pulled it up so I could sit beside his bed. The machines around him made me a little uneasy and I looked at the heart monitor next to him a little warily. Turning back to the man I loved, I reached out and slid one of his hands into mine. It was warm. His face was so relaxed and he seemed so peaceful, almost as if he were just sleeping and would wake up at any moment.

“Come on, Spike,” I whispered, giving his hand a little squeeze. “Wake up. Wake up, you need to wake up.”

The tears streamed down my face and I let them fall. Before, I had always tried to stay strong in front of him and I had always held my tears back, but now I just let them run their course and I didn’t bother wiping my face. A few tears landed on his white sheet, but he didn’t even flinch. He didn’t move, his face didn’t change, he just lay there - oblivious to the living world. Oblivious to me.

“Spike… look at me, please?” I silently begged him. “Look, I have something important to tell you. Come on.”

Nothing.

I sat there staring into his lifeless form… his body which had once burst with a brilliant persona, just lying there still, almost dead-like.

I remembered all those nights he climbed into my window with his guitar, singing me to sleep. And all those mornings when I would wake up to his voice in my ear. He had always sung to me and it had always made me feel better.

“Maybe, it’ll make you feel better,” I suggested to him. “I’m not very good, though… but I’ll try. I’ll try for you, baby.”

I closed my eyes and tried to sing, determined not to let myself be embarrassed. I would have loved to be embarrassed… loved to have him wake up to my singing and see his cocky little smirk at my lame attempt. My voice came out hoarse and unrefined.

“There’s a hero… if you look inside your heart…” I stopped. The song wasn’t right.

I don’t know how long I sat there, just holding his hand and looking at his beautiful face. It felt almost like eternity and I wished I could get closer. I wish I could hold him and hug him close… treat him like he was meant to be treated – with love. How could I have never told him? I bit down on my lip, trying to wish the thoughts away.

And suddenly, it came to me.

“Your eyes,” I began, softly, moving my chair closer to him, “As we said our goodbyes. Can't get them out of my mind, and I find, I can’t hide.” I remembered the way he looked at me when he told me he was going to leave. I remembered the way he tried to communicate his love to me, the way his eyes begged me to ask him to stay.

“…From your eyes…
The ones that took me by surprise,
The night you came into my life,
Where there’s moonlight,
I see your eyes…”

I kept singing to him, imagining the clear, gorgeous blue of his eyes. Those eyes that glowed with strength and love and life. Those eyes that had shown all his emotions, those eyes that I so desperately wanted to see open again. Tears choked up my voice, but I kept singing to him, … I needed to let him know.

“How'd I let you slip away?
When I'm longing so to hold you,
Now I'd die for one more day!
'Cause there’s something I should have told you
There's something I should have told you…”

I brought his hand up to my lips and kissed it. I’d sing to him forever.

“When I looked into your eyes,
Why does distance make us wise?
You were the song all along,
And before the song dies…
I should tell you, I should tell you,
I have always loved you.
You can see it in my eyes…”

I silently prayed to myself that maybe, just maybe his eyes would flutter open and my words would kiss him hello. When they didn’t, I cried. Hard, racking sobs that shook my entire body as I buried my head in his shoulder.

“I love you, Spike,” I breathed out in between sobs. I extended my arm out to rest across his chest, trying to bring him closer to me. “I love you so much and I’m so sorry… so, so, sorry I never told you. Please, Spike. You have to wake up so I can tell you.”

But he never did.

.....................................................................................
A/N: Whew. There's only about 2 or 3 more chapters left... and they'll be third person and in present time. Hope you enjoyed everything so far... i'd like to thank everybody for their support.

These aren't diary entries anymore... it's in third person.

Chapter 22

Rupert Giles closed the worn-in composition book in front of him and rubbed his eyes. Something inside of him seemed to break just a little bit as he looked at the small, blonde girl sitting across from him. Something inside of him that most people would call a heart seemed to ache just a little bit for her.

When he first met her – about a month ago – she had been broken. She had a permanent sarcastic scowl glued onto her face and her eyes were a dull green, shielding the world from her soul. He remembered looking at her and thinking… ‘Not another one of these time-bombs called teenagers’. He had given her a black and white composition book and told her to write down what happened, from the beginning. It was something he always did – throw a book at the troubled teens and instruct them to tell him what happened. And every time he did that, he was given back the same blank book with not more than a sentence or two written on the inside.

They told him they’d never try anything stupid again and he signed for their release back to society. He didn’t expect any different from her.

But it wasn’t long before he learned that this girl, this amazing girl, would be one to throw him surprises. She had an entry written for every one of their sessions. She never talked about it, though. Just handed it quietly to him and sat at her usual chair waiting for him to read what she had written. Sometimes, he’d comment, sometimes he would just sit there in shock.

Right now, the girl in question was again, sitting in her usual chair, staring out the window at the gray, monotonous sky. No doubt it would rain soon. Again.

He cleared his throat and she turned towards him with a small smile on her face. It didn’t reach her eyes. It never reached her eyes.

“So this is it. Huh, Giles?” she asked, mouth twitching just a hair. “Am I okay? All better now? Free of all suicidal tendencies?”

Giles took off his glasses and felt his pocket for a handkerchief.

“Uh, Buffy?” he started slowly. “Can you tell me what happened after you found him in a coma?”

Her smile fell and she looked out the window again. He wasn’t sure whether she would answer him or not, and it didn’t really make a difference. She would be sent home today, either way. After a strained moment of silence, she opened her mouth to tell him.

“After I found him that first day, I visited him every single day after that,” she said, quietly. “I wished for a miracle. Lame, I know. Especially since miracles never seem to happen. Then one day, I got a call. They said that he had pulled out of his coma and into the persistent vegetative state that the doctor had predicted.”

She paused, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before continuing. “That was something. At least for me it was. I still saw him everyday and sometimes, I even thought he could hear me. I thought we were progressing… maybe he would wake up, you know? But he didn’t. The doctor said that he could have been that way for years and Cecily started talking about ending his life support. That bitch.”

Giles coughed and she glanced quickly at him. “Sorry. She said that he had never supported extended life support because he knew how expensive that was and everything. But I disagreed. He had to wake up. But …”

She broke off.

“Buffy, if it’s too hard, you – “ Giles began but she held a hand up and shook her head.

“It’s okay. The day before July 4th, he stopped functioning. We didn’t know what happened… it’s like he just died. Just like that,” the tears filled her eyes and she sniffed hard. “It’s like he couldn’t just … I don’t know. I thought he would keep trying. For me. And I was devastated… I wasn’t thinking. All I knew was the pain and how I wanted it to just go away. I thought I’d join him in heaven or limbo or wherever the hell we went. And that’s why I did it, Giles. I tried to make it go away.”

They were silent for a spell before Giles walked over to put his hand on Buffy’s shoulder.

“Sometimes, it feels like maybe death is the best option,” he said, solemnly. “But, Buffy…” he kneeled down in front of her. “Buffy, look at me.”

She turned her teary eyes to him. He continued, “Is that what Spike would have wanted? If Spike were here in this room right now… what do you think he would tell you to do?”

She closed her eyes. “He’d tell me to live,” she whispered. “He’d tell me to live for him and be happy.”

Giles gripped both her shoulders tightly. “Then that’s what you have to do.”

She opened her eyes and smiled at him before pulling him in for a big hug.

“Thank you,” she told him and he smiled.

She had been through hell, this girl, and yet, here she sat. She was strong and she didn’t even realize it. Giles knew that Buffy would pull through whatever came her way and he knew that she would be great in anything she did.

After all, her heart was big enough to fit the earth, stars, and moon. She was destined to be great.


Chapter 23

William T. Pratt

February 10th 1977 – July 4th 2005

He was Loved.

Buffy ran a light finger over the top of the headstone. Restfield Cemetery. It seemed so impersonal. The rain was falling down at a light drizzle, and the air felt cold. Just like the cemetery and all the bodies buried underneath. She couldn’t really bring herself to believe that his body was right there with her, six feet underground. Just the thought alone made her shudder.

A low rumble of thunder sounded from a few miles away and she looked up to see the sky turning a sickly gray. The trees blew around and the wind whistled. A storm was on it’s way.

She returned her attention back to the gravestone in front of her and dug her hands in her pockets. Seconds later, she fished out a crumpled sheet of paper and began to unfold it.

“I, uh,” she said softly, her voice not rising above the steady tapping of the rain on the hard surfaces of the cemetery. “I wrote you something. It’s a letter. I tried poetry, but …” she laughed, despite herself, “I wasn’t that good. So… here goes.”

She took a deep breath and started reading.

“I never said goodbye. But then, there were a lot of things I never said to you. I guess I thought I’d have forever, I guess I was scared, I guess I was a lot of things. But it doesn’t matter now.

We were never perfect, but then again – things were never perfect unless you were right there with me. We were never right – not in society’s eyes, not in anybody’s eyes. But things never felt more right than when you had me in your arms.

You know, I started this letter a thousand times, trying to think of the millions of things I should have told you. And it all comes down to one thing.

Love.

I never knew it before, and I never really believed in it before. True love, that is. It sounds like something that belongs in fairytales between beautiful princesses and handsome knights. I never really believed in soul mates, counterparts, any of that super romantic stuff. It all seemed so … intangible.

And I never really thought I could fall in love with someone as quickly as I fell in love with you. I did, you know? Love you, that is.

I’ve tried thinking about it, but I keep finding that whenever I think about it, I confuse myself. So I have to go with my gut feeling. Go with what’s real. And I know this.

We were never perfect. I know. I said it already. What we had was never a fairytale. If it was… we could have run away together and had a happily ever after. There wasn’t a perfect prince or a flawless princess, either. We both had problems of our own. We both hurt each other so much. But that never killed this emotion… this feeling that I have for you.

I love you. All the time. In my highs, in my lows, when I’m sleeping and when I’m awake. When I cry, I wish you were there to comfort me, when I’m happy, I want to share that with you. I want to share everything with you.

I never told you, but I love you so much that it hurts.”

The paper fluttered down from her fingers as she said her last words. The rain mixed in with her tears and washed the world away again and again and again. The skies opened up and cried for her as she knelt down in front of the headstone and leaned against it, sobbing away her sorrows.

“God, Spike,” she cried, helplessly, “I love you so much. I wish I could have told you. I wish you would have known..”

But, it was too late.

A hand fell down on her shoulder and she looked up slowly to see the face of Cecily Wyndam-Pryce staring down at her.

The brunette woman knelt down, too, and placed a rose next to the grave. Neither of them said anything for a long while – they both just sat there silently, listening to the rain and the thudding of their hearts. Sometimes, words could be meaningless.

“You know,” Cecily finally said, her voice barely above a whisper, “I’m almost jealous of you. I was, for a little while, at least.”

Buffy didn’t turn around or speak, so she continued.

“A long time ago, I thought I loved him,” she smiled wistfully. “I thought that what we had was it… I was so young. I didn’t know any better. When he moved to America, I let the distance grow on me. I put him on a pedestal. I idolized him. I created my own vision of him and fell in love with it. In my fantasies, he was a perfect father to my little James and he was a doting husband. He was perfect in all aspects. And when my father told me it was time to come join him,… I was just so happy.”

She paused, then spoke again.

“The second I set my eyes on him again, I realized I had been a fool,” Cecily shook her head. “And then I saw you. I saw the looks that you two shared… and I knew what it was. You know, he was coming back for you.”

Buffy’s neck almost snapped. Her head immediately turned to look at Cecily, eyes widening in disbelief.

“I thought you knew,” Cecily told her. “He was coming back to Sunnydale from the airport in Los Angeles. We were driving down and he suddenly said he couldn’t do it…”

--- flashback ---

Spike’s knuckles whitened with the tight grip he had on the steering wheel. He was fifteen minutes to the airport and he realized that he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t leave with his fiancé and go to London to get married. It didn’t even sound possible. It was almost like a dream, except a little less pleasant.

Cecily looked at him, curiously. He was breathing in and out deeply and his eyes didn’t seem focused.

Finally, he snapped.

“I can’t do this,” he said. His jaw set in a straight line. Cecily sighed; she wasn’t exactly surprised.

“Yes, I know,” she said softly, turning her gaze to the window.

“I’m sorry. There’s somebody – “ he began.

Cecily cut him off, “I know. You love her.” He turned towards her with a stunned look in her eyes and she just shrugged. “Woman’s intuition.”

“Cec,… you’re not – “

“I’ll be fine, really. And I’ll tell daddy that we made the decision together. You deserve to be with her, William,” she smiled and his shoulders sagged in relief.

“I wont abandon you or James, though,” he told her, looking back ahead. “I’ll go with you to London to see him. I’ll give you support, money, anything you need, just ask.”

She put a hand on his arm and squeezed it gently, “I only need you as a friend and a father for James. And anyways,” she grinned, “the whole daddy-arranges-my-marriage is a bit outdated.”

He smiled, “That it is, pet.”

“William,” she said and he turned. “There’s no need for you to go to London right now. Just drive me to the airport and go back to her. God knows you need to, after all that fretting last night and this morning. Godness, I’ve never seen a man so distressed.”

“You’re an amazing woman, Cec, you know that?” his grin matched hers and she nodded her head.

“So I’ve been told.”

--- End flashback ---

“… I didn’t even make it to the terminal before I got a call from the police station, telling me what had happened,” Cecily finished. Then, she stood up and dusted off her knees. The skies were still heavily clouded, even though the rain had stopped. Buffy stayed where she was, numbly in shock.

“I thought you should know,” Cecily told her before turning to leave. “He knew you loved him. Even if you never told him.”

Before she left the cemetery, she heard a quiet “Thank you,” coming from Buffy’s still form.

Your welcome, she thought to herself, opening up the door of the taxi that was heading over to the airport. She was going home, at last.


...................................................................................

A/N: Only one more chapter left!

Get ready... it's the last chapter...

Song's "No Day, but Today" ... again, another song in Rent. I really love that musical.

Chapter 24

She fell back against the soft mattress of her familiar bed and closed her eyes to shut out the chilling world. The day had been long and the people had been painful. Now, she just wanted to rest. Her heart was aching with the weight of the world and her eyes were dry of tears.

As she curled up and buried her head into her fresh pillow, she felt an arm snake around her waist and smiled as she felt the familiar chest press up against her back. She breathed in his familiar scent – leather, smoke, and cologne - wonderful. His warm breath tickled the back of her neck and she giggled.

“How’s my favorite girl?” his voice was teasing and he kissed her shoulder. She twisted around in his arms so she could look into his bright eyes, glittering in the darkness. His lips were curled up in a relaxed smile.

“You’re really here,” she murmured before leaning up to kiss him gently on the lips. “I thought I lost you for good.”

He shushed her. “Never, love. I’ll never leave you.”

“But you did,” a small tear fell from her eye as she gazed longingly at him. “You’re gone… and I don’t want you to be gone. I need you.”

“None of that,” he whispered, wiping the tear away. “I’ll always be here.” He pressed a hand over her heart. “Right in here. Forever.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him closer to her, never wanting to let him go. “I’m so sorry, Spike. I’m so, so, so sorry,” she sobbed into his chest, wetting his shirt but she didn’t care.

“Shh… it’s okay, kitten,” he soothed her, rubbing circles on her back, “you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“But I was so,… I never told you I love you,” she grasped his shirt tightly, bunching it in her hands. “I never told you how much you meant to me, and you were so good to me. I don’t deserve you… I don’t deserve this. I should be hurting right now, and I love you so much, and you were so good… you loved me so much. And I never told you how – “

He put a finger up against her lips.

“I know, pet,” he said. “You didn’t have to tell me for me to know. I could see it when you looked at me, I could feel it. I love you. Love you more than anything.”

“And I just let you go,” she didn’t listen to him. “I just let you climb out my window and I let you leave and it’s all my fault – “

“Stop it,” he said, harshly, pulling her away so he could look into her eyes. “I’ve hummed to your piddy diddy long enough and it’s time for me to hold the mic now, okay?”

She nodded mutely.

“It. was. not. your. fault,” he said slowly, emphasizing every word. “If anything, it was the bloody maniac who swerved into my lane, okay? Bloody Americans who don’t know how to drive.” He chuckled a little and ran a hand through her hair. “You could ram a thousand Mac trucks through me and I would still love you. It was inevitable, love. Do you understand? You had nothing to do with it. Is that clear?”

She snuggled closer and nodded her head. “Okay,” she said, her voice muffled against him.

“Good,” he held her close to him and rocked her back and forth.

“What happens next, Spike?” she asked, quietly. “What happens when I wake up and you’re gone again?”

“Don’t think about that, Buffy,” he kissed her forehead. “Don’t think about the future right now. Or the past. Just think about this. Us. At this exact moment. It’s all that matters.”

The heart may freeze or it can burn
The pain will ease if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last

“Okay,” she smiled at him and kissed him gently on the lips. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” he grinned, tracing her face with his finger. “So bloody much.” He cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to press his lips against hers. “No regrets, baby?”

She giggled and nuzzled her cheek against his palm, sighing contentedly. “None. Not when you’re right here in my arms.”

There's only us, there's only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

They walked along the beach, hand in hand, arms swinging freely. The sky was clear and the moon shone in all its glory with the stars twinkling happily around it. The night breeze danced playfully around them, lifing their hair up and billowing their shirts out.

It was a night for lovers.

“Remember this?” Spike asked, suddenly twirling her out. She laughed and spun back to him.

“Yeah,” she jumped into his arm and he lifted her over his head. They both fell back in a burst of laughter. “How could I forget?”

“Never forget,” he grinned, pulling her up and running with her down the shore until they reached their special boulder.

He held out a single white orchid and presented it to her with a bow.

“For my lovely lady,” he smirked and she smacked his chest, taking the orchid in her hand and tip-toeing up for a kiss.

“It’s beautiful,” she said against his lips.

“It better be,” he put his arm loosely around her waist. “Only the best for my girl.”

There's only us, only tonight
We must let go to know what's right
No other course, no other way
No day but today

No day but today

“I love you,” she told him again. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”

“And I love you,” he said it back and held her close.

They kissed and stared into each other’s eyes, smiling blissfully, both imprinting the memory forever in their hearts.
…………

The sun rose and Buffy slowly woke up. As she opened her eyes, she remembered her dream and sadly sighed. She rolled to her side and something caught her eye.

She lifted her head, confused.

Then she smiled, seeing a lovely white orchid lying on the pillow next to her.

I love you…



THE END


A/N: Wow... finally. It ended. I know this last chapter was a bit surreal... i intertwined her dream with reality... but hey, i'm an author - i can take that liberty.

For those who don't understand it. it was a dream ... of sorts. It kind of suggests that their spirits were really together and that he would always be with her. That's why she saw the white orchid next to her pillow when she woke up. it was to provide a sense of reality in the 'dream'.

It also gives me enough room to write a sequel. I'm not sure if i will, but it'd definately a possibility. And if i do... i promise it'll be happy.

I'd like to thank everyone who stuck with me... this is the first long fic that i actually finished.

I'm sad to see it end,.... but hey... now i can work on finishing my other work! Yay!

Tell me what you thought, what you think i could improve on, etc.