You always remember your first love, the first time you saw them, spoke to them. At least it was that way for me.

I was sitting at the lunch table attempting to ignore the conversation around me; I wasn't interested in the stupid discussion about the sexual preferences of our teachers, but this guy with bleached blonde spiky hair and a leather jacket was involved and I was quietly checking him out.

Then he spoke to me, a smirk on his face "So luv, what about you, do you spit or swallow?"

What! Of all the nerve! I nearly spat out my cola, I couldn't believe he'd asked that question, still a small part of me decided it wanted to play this game with this cute guy. I stood, grabbed my books, and threw him a smirk of my own, "wouldn't you like to know!" I then sauntered away wondering if he was going to follow, or just shrug it off and go back to his conversation.

I had almost made it outside before I felt a hand on my arm I turned and stumbled, so clumsy of me, right into his arms, maybe I could live with being clumsy especially when I fall into arms that feel this strong.

"Hey" he said as he caught me "You alright?"

"Sure" I replied, regaining my feet and almost losing it again when I looked up and got lost in his bright eyes, it's like drowning, I thought.

"I'm sorry pet, I don't know you well enough to ask that question" He almost looked contrite. Well, except for the semi permanent smirk "I'd like to though!"

"You'd like to what?" I asked flirting with him, "Get to know me, or get to know me well enough to get the answer to the question?"

He grinned, "Both! You coming to the Bronze tonight?"

What the fuck was the bronze? Like hell was I going to admit I had no idea what he was talking about though, there was no way I was going to look dumb. So I did what any sensible young woman would do, I jumped in feet first. "Sure, I might be able to make it"

"Great then," he said, his English accent causing goose bumps to run up my arms. He took my hand and raised it to his lips, looking at me the whole time; he kissed the back of my hand before saying, "I look forward to seeing you there."

I was glad he left before I actually melted into a puddle of goo at his feet, he was so cocky, with the smirk and the being all sexy…falling at his feet was not what I wanted to do! I hurried to find Willow, the only person I had properly met so far, to get her to tell me about the Bronze and hope it wasn’t a really rough biker bar or something!

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"Spike Giles asked you to meet him at the Bronze tonight?" Willow squealed excitedly, "That's great, Oz's band is playing there tonight, I was going to invite you anyway!"

"Well, he didn't really ask me" I replied, "he just kinda implied that he'd like me to be there but you know boys, it only takes the slightest thing to bruise their ego!" I was very excited and worried, apparently Spike was a player, but hey, it's just a bit of fun right?

It was at that moment that Xander wandered up, Xander was lovely, if a little geeky but he had a completely different reaction to my news than Willow, "No way, nah-uh, you cannot consider meeting with that jerk! He will play with your heart, before smashing it! Smashing it I say! It’s just what he does and you’ll be a shell of a woman by the time he’s finished with you!"

He was being just a little melodramatic to my mind, I wasn't looking to marry the guy, just meet him and do a little dancing and I said as much to Xander.

Willow backed me up, "Xander shut up, she can meet him there if she wants to and we're both going to be with her! She'll be fine"

"Okay, okay, but when he breaks her heart, I get to be the first one to say; I told you so!"

"Now that we've finished with that, let's move on to more important issues" I said, looking at Willow with an admittedly calculating look on my face.

"What's that?" Willow questioned, looking quite nervous.

"Well, you and I need to find something to wear, and I haven't finished unpacking all my shoes yet! It’ll take me half the night to find my black choo’s"

“Choo’s?” Xander echoed as he followed behind us, “I thought they where shoes?”

“They are!” Willow called over her shoulder as we headed to class, making plans all the way.

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Willow and I spent hours getting ready, leaving Xander to watch cable in the living room, but even he was bored by the time we finally came down the stairs.

“Thank God,” he said fervently to us as we made our way down the stairs “I was starting to think that there might be something to that square eyes rumor!” Watching me and Willow come towards him though, he smiled “But I have to say it was worth the wait! You both look… WOW!”

We both laughed, I had talked Willow into one of my leather skirts and a strapless top, if Oz didn’t want her in this outfit, well, he wouldn’t be a normal red blooded male! I was also looking good, also in leather, but trousers, with a barely there top, which in all honestly wouldn’t have passed as a handkerchief, but it covered all the necessary bits. My blonde hair was up, with just a little hanging down and the makeup was light, no sense sweating it off and having it run.

Whilst Xander was driving to the club, something he insisted on having full concentration for, I had a quiet conversation with Willow in the back, I really didn’t want Xander’s input on this, he had already told me what he thought earlier.

“So” I whispered in Willow’s ear, “Xander tells me Spike’s gonna break my heart and in history I found out that he’s a bit of a player… What do you know?”

Willow shifted so that she could see me and whispered back, “it’s just that he’s run through most of the popular girls in the year that he’s been here. Guy does a thing like that, he gets a reputation. He’s smart though, despite the whole rebel without a cause look he’s got going on.”

I had to admit “He does look a little bit like an eighties reject, but honestly on him, it’s so hot. God!”

“Yes, he’s yummy,” Willow answered starting to get dreamy, “but not as yummy as Oz.”

We got to the club and gave our cover to the man on the door and Xander disappeared to get us some drinks. Willow found us a free table, we had gotten there just in time and Willow excitedly pointed out Oz to me as the band started their set, he looked cute, if a little short. I had to ask, “So why haven’t you jumped this guy yet?”

She started to blush and stammered, “I’m just not very good with the…um…jumping”

“Rubbish, every girl is born with the knowledge necessary to drive men crazy and you are looking hot tonight. You have to talk to him when he’s finished his set”

“Talk to who?” Xander asked, putting down three drinks and taking a seat.

“Oz, Willow needs to jump him!” I replied, making Willow squirm and turn redder.

Xander agreed with me and talk turned to tactics as I began to scan the room for Spike. It took a while and I was starting to get seriously pissed, I had made a big effort and if he wasn’t here to appreciate it, well I wouldn’t be happy, but then I saw him dancing with a pretty brunette, my heart sank and my face fell.

“What’s wrong?” asked Willow, she had her back to the dance floor, but Xander could see clearly and stated, “Spike and he’s dancing with Cordelia, I hope she’s making him miserable.”

“Lets go dance” I said, pulling Willow up with me and dragging her to a spot where we could be clearly seen by the dancing couple.

It didn’t even take one song, our eyes met across the throng of dancers and Spike, after whispering in the brunette’s ear wandered over to me, the girl didn’t look very happy and gave me an icy look. I couldn’t care less and turned to Spike, I leaned in, close to his ear and said “What did you say to her? If looks could kill, right now, I would be on the floor!”

“Well luv, I just told her that you where new here and that I wanted to get to know you” He said with a leer.

I flushed remembering our earlier conversation, “How long do you think that will take?” I asked him.

“As long as it takes, I can wait, as long as it’s good!” Oh God that leer was back on his face and take pity on me, I thought it was sexy. No wonder this guy goes through girls, who could say no?

“Dance with me” he rasped grasping me by the hips and pulling me close, a slow song had started and I just went with it, body swaying in time with his. Looking into his eyes, I felt an urge to lean up and press my lips against his. To stop myself from kissing the guy I had known less than a day, I leaned forward and laid my head against his shoulder, one of his arms went around my waist and he dropped his head to mine. I was enjoying the close feeling so much that I didn’t notice when the music changed, Spike pulled away a little, looking at me his eyes where so expressive I felt special in that moment being held by him. Looking back, that’s probably when I fell in love with him, that dance and that look.

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It was getting late, I couldn’t find Xander and Willow was finally talking to Oz and given the look on Oz’s face, he had noticed her, I couldn’t pull her away from that, it just wasn’t done. I turned to Spike a hopefully appealing look on my face, “I know I’m pushing it a bit here, but I’ve lost my ride. Any hope you could take me home?”

“I haven’t got my car with me tonight,” he replied and my heart sank, it was a school night and if I didn’t get home soon my mum would kill me, “But..” he continued, “I’ll walk you home, where do you live?”

“1630 Revello Drive” I smiled and thanked him.

“Don’t worry pet, it’s only a couple of blocks away from mine.”

We left the club and started to walk the couple of miles back to my house, it shouldn’t take to long and hopefully I wouldn’t be late, but five minutes into the walk I had to stop and I sat down on the curb unzipping my boots.

“Are you completely daft?” Spike exclaimed watching me wriggling to get my boots off, “What the bloody hell are you doing?”

I looked up at him and sighed “What does it look like? I’m taking my boots off; there is no way that my feet will survive the walk back.”

“If you can’t walk in them, why did you buy them?” He asked the question only a male would ask as I stood feet bare and boots in one had.

Looking at him I batted my eyelashes, “But they look so good on” I said in a seductive voice. Then more seriously, “If I’d have known I’d be walking home I wouldn’t have worn them; they can only manage a few hours on my feet at a time.”

Spike laughed and took my hand as we walked the rest of the way to my house.

Once we got there, I had that urge to kiss him again, I liked him, but honestly I wasn’t prepared to become another one of his conquests so I briefly pecked him on the cheek and thanked him for walking me home before slipping inside quietly and making my way to my room, I couldn’t stop smiling, moving to Sunnydale clearly wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be.

It took him forever to ask me out after the night at the Bronze, well when I say forever it was two weeks, but in high school, that is forever. I was beginning to worry.

“Will, am I ugly?” I asked, whilst we where sitting at the lunch table.

“What? No!” She gasped at me, “why would you ask something like that?”

“Well, if I’m not ugly, I must be terrible company, you should go find more appealing friends to talk to” I was just a little depressed at this point.

“Buffy! Is this about Spike?” Willow was always good at getting to the heart of things.

“Why hasn’t he asked me out?” I wailed pitifully, “I mean, he seen me, sat with us at lunch almost constantly. Why Willow? Why doesn’t he want me” My head hit the table in front of me. I have to admit, when I was younger, I was a little melodramatic.

Xander walked up to the table then chuckling, “Cordy’s tearing Spike a new one” He seemed very happy about it.

I perked up at the mention of his name “What? Why?”

“Well apparently, he’s messing about with this little blonde he’s crazy about. Cordelia thinks he should just ask her out. He appears to think that she’s going to say no though” He was having way to much fun with this, ever since that night at the Bronze when he got together with Cordelia, he had developed an evil sense of humour.

“What blonde? Who? Xander!” Okay, I was very dense. But in my defence I was depressed and more than happy to see the worst of the situation.

“Don’t tease her Xander, it’s not nice!” Willow said with a firm look on her face, before turning to me, “He means you, silly. Cordelia’s telling him to ask you out!”

“Oh.” I thought for a minute, “Spike’s crazy about me?” My face lit up and grinning I got to my feet.

A chorus of “Where are you going?” came from Willow and Xander.

“To save my prospective boyfriend from your vindictive girlfriend” I responded before heading out of the lunch room.

My confidence faltered once I saw Spike, I became nervous and unsure. Cordelia saw me and smiled, “Good, she’s here, you don’t need to go looking for her! Good luck!” She then walked off leaving Spike in the middle of the hall.

He turned slowly, and my eyes ran up his body, lean and strong finally coming to rest on his face, he seemed unwilling to speak, just looking at me. The look in his eyes made me shiver.

When I’m nervous I have to talk “I hear there’s a blonde you’re looking for, wanna tell me about her, so I can help you find her?”

He smirked and started to stalk towards me a predatory gleam in his eyes, “Well, she’s short, beautiful, amazing and she makes me want to…” He pushed me up against the lockers, moulding his body to mine, making my whole body tingle. “God, you’re special” he growled before claiming my mouth with his.

The kiss was electric, my knees turned to water as his tongue slipped between my parted lips. He kissed me as if he wanted to devour me and at that moment I wanted nothing more. I moaned into his mouth as his hands moved from my arms to wrap around my waist, pulling me closer to him and my hands found their way to his hair, delighting the silky softness.

The bell went and suddenly the hall was full of people, we pulled apart.

Finally after catching his breath he said, “Did you want to go out Friday night?”

I smiled “On a date?” I asked, my internal imp was having fun with this and I couldn’t resist asking the question.

“Yes on a date!” He answered exasperated; he ran his hands through his hair waiting for my response.

“Yes” I answered, unwilling to tease him anymore, “I’d love to”

“Great” The smirk was back, God that was sexy. “I’ll pick you up at 7.30?”

“No problem” I breathed.

He wandered off to class with a cocky swagger, I just watched him go, he really did have a great arse.

************************************************************************

After school I grabbed Willow and told her all about my lunch time adventure.

“Your first kiss!” Willow squealed excitedly. “Very romantic!” She was almost as excited as me, “What was it like?”

“You know those movies that talk about fireworks and stars and al that?” I asked, “I never believed that, always thought it was an invention for movies, I mean I’ve been kissed before, but…Wow!”

“That good huh?”

“Willow, if the bell hadn’t gone I honestly believe that we would still be there!” I paused. “You know, that bell is evil! It exists only to torment me!”

She laughed and the subject turned to what I was going to wear, we made plans to go shopping to see if I could find the perfect little dress.

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Despite my very careful planning, twenty minutes before Spike was due to pick me up I had managed to lose my favourite lipstick.

“Mom!” I yelled, “Have you seen my Dior Perfect Pink?”

My mother wearily came to the door, “Why would I know where your lipstick is?” she asked, “Are you sure it’s not on your dressing table with the other two hundred?”

“If it was there I wouldn’t be asking you” I stressed, looking about wildly.

Mom walked over to the table calmly, picked up the tube and passed it to me, “Now are you going to tell me why this one’s got you in such a flap?”

“I don’t know” I answered honestly, “He’s just different I guess,, I really like him”

“Well that much I’d guessed!” She answered “I’m looking forward to meeting him”

“Mom! Please don’t embarrass me.”

“I thought you knew, it’s my prerogative to ask the boy taking my daughter out a few questions”

I groaned, my head in my hands as she left the room.

The door bell went as I was finishing my make up and I hurried to find the right earrings and slipped on my shoes before making my way downstairs.

Not finding anyone in the hallway or living room I wandered into the kitchen to find Spike installed at the breakfast bar chatting to my mother, who he had apparently already charmed!

He looked up as I walked into the room, I hadn’t known exactly how dressy to go and had settled for a light blue strappy dress, the hem falling to mid thigh. Given the look on Spike’s face, I figured I looked okay.

After being told to be home by midnight, we said goodbye and Spike settled me into the largest hunk of junk I had ever seen.

“Don’t mock my car luv.” He responded when I asked him if the scrap heap could move. “She’s my first love”

“I wouldn’t dream of making fun of the car” I even managed it with a straight face.

We went to dinner, followed by dancing at the bronze, where we shared more of those electric kisses, the ones that made me tingle all the way to my toes. I hadn’t known him more than a couple of weeks, but honestly I was falling and falling fast

We had got to know each other really well, my mom approved and my life was perfect. Then he invited me to his house for a barbeque, a whole meet the parents thing. Only this was more a get the approval of the nutty sister thing, at least that was the way I had taken it. I knew about Dru, Willow and Xander had told me the rumours, but they where more along the lines of “crazy twin locked in attic and fed fish heads” story’s and given the way Spike spoke about his sister, I really didn’t think that was true.

Truly, he adored Dru, he told me that he thinks the world of her and that she’s going to love me. Apparently she’s a good judge of character, I was kinda screwed! Needless to say I was frantic when the day finally came.

“Will, help me!” I stressed wrapping the phone cord around my finger. “We could dress you up and send you instead!”

Willow burst out laughing, I was not impressed, I really wasn’t ready for a whole meet the parents thing.

“Sweetie, it’s just a barbeque, you’ll do fine.”

“Unless they decide to cook me on the barbeque! Oh God Willow, that’s probably why I’ve been invited! I’m going to be eaten!”

“What! Stop! Why would they do that? You’re just being silly, you’ll be fine. Go, have a great time and call me in the morning to let me know how it went” We hung up, Willow was right; I was being stupid and needed to calm down.

To be fair, he’d met my mom a number of times now and had her firmly round his little finger, I really should meet his family and anyway, how bad could it be. I mean, I’d already discussed the perfect outfit choice with mom, something simple and that doesn’t show a lot of flesh, black trousers with a pretty white top, which were sitting on my bed waiting for me.

I’ve always been late for everything, it’s one of my biggest flaws, so it says a lot when I actually turn up somewhere exactly on time. Which was probably why Spike looked at me in shock when he opened the door and saw me a good ten minutes before I had planned to be there?

His confusion gave way to a grin, “Hey pet, what are you doing being early, wasn’t expecting you for at least an hour!”

I walked into his hallway and slugged him on the arm, “I just don’t want your family to think I’m a flake”

He was rubbing his arm when I heard an ethereal voice, “Yes, you’re the sunshine my Spike needs, don’t take any of his rubbish!”

I turned to see a beautiful raven haired girl standing at the foot of the stairs a grin on her face.

“Buffy, this is my sister, Dru.” I said hi and Spike pulled me close to him “and Dru, this is my Buffy” I liked the way he said that, that I was his, I sighed and lent against him.

“Spike” Dru spoke to her brother, “mum and dad need you in the kitchen, I’ll show Buffy the garden”

Spike gave me a quick kiss and wandered off; I stood looking at Dru carefully. She was very beautiful, but she also looked very fragile, I suddenly understood how Spike could be so protective of his twin.

As it turns out all of my fears had been unfounded, Spike’s family where wonderful, you could see that they were a really strong family unit.

I said as much to Spike later that night when the rest of the family had gone inside, we sat on a blanket on the grass talking.

“Yeah, they’re great and they love you, just like I said they would”

“You really think they like me?” I questioned, still feeling a little insecure it was important to me that I make a good impression.

“They love you!” he exclaimed, “Trust me, anyway I asked dad what he thought and he said you seemed like a lovely young woman” He paused; pushing me on to my back “Enough talk about the parents” he said swooping down to kiss me. It never changed, I never got used to the feeling of him touching me, kissing me, and every time was like the first time.

After a while I stopped him, “I know you don’t wanna talk about your parents, but they are just inside”

He pulled me to my feet, “you’re right” he said, grabbing the blanket, “come with me, there’s someone else I want you to meet”

Walking through the house, Spike paused at the living room door, “Mum, I’m going to pop in to see Mystic, I won’t be home late.”

Who the hell was Mystic? Despite my constant badgering, Spike wouldn’t tell me where we where going as he pushed me into his car.

We drove out of Sunnydale a couple of minutes later and not long after we were pulling up to a ranch.

“Should we be here?” I questioned as on of the ranch hands walked over to us.

“Spike, wasn’t expecting to see you again today,” she said with a smile “Are you showing off?”

“A little bit Tina, just wanted Buffy to meet Mystic”

“Ahh, I guess she really should meet her competition for your affections!” Tina laughed and wandered off.

I watched the exchange with a bemused look on my face; Spike was obviously excited and was pulling me in the direction of a large barn. As he walked into the door, there was quite a bit of noise, I was almost like every horse in the place was saying hello.

He paused in front of a massive chestnut horse ribbing its nose, “Buffy, meet Mystic, He’s an Anglo Arab gelding, used to be a great race horse, didn’t you boy, huh?”

He turned back to me, “what do you think?”

I was shocked, he had never mentioned this before, I think I managed to hide it quite well though, “He’s beautiful” I replied honestly, “Do you ride a lot?”

“Most days” He replied smiling, “I’m glad you like him, can you ride?”

“I had a few lessons when I was younger, but I haven’t really. To be honest, it scares me a little” I confessed.

He took my hand and moved it to the large horse’s soft nose, “Here, just like this” He said gently, guiding my hand as I stroked him.

“It’s my dream you know, to train race horses. Not the easiest thing to get into, but I’m already working at it, I have a lot of the necessary stable qualifications already” His face was glowing as he described what he wanted to do with his life. I was amazed and a little jealous of his determination and focus.

When he asked me what I wanted to do, I wasn’t sure how to answer, I love to paint, my mother had a paintbrush in my hand the minute I was born, but I didn’t really know where that would take me. I discussed all this with him, concluding that I would probably end up in an art gallery or museum.

We sat back on a pile of hay, talking for hours about our hopes and dreams, and where we wanted to be in years to come.

When he finally dropped me off at home I think I floated upstairs and into bed, I was truly happy, I went to sleep with a smile on my face that night.

The months went by and by the time December came along there had been no major disasters, I’ been dating Spike for about 3 months and I was in love. Wasn’t quite ready to tell him that though, I mean he was wonderful, but I wasn’t so big on the trust back then. Honestly, I’m still not great with that!

Anyway, it was December and the whole school was buzzing about the Christmas dance, Spike hadn’t asked me, but honestly I never doubted for a second that he would. Things had been getting hot and heavy for a while now and I was ready to take the next step. My mom was nice enough to have a business trip the week of the dance, although if she’d known what I had planned, I doubt that she’d have gone.

Me Willow and Cordelia went dress shopping, we wanted the perfect dresses to make the guys eyes pop out. Whilst we where changing, the subject turned to the after party that Cordy was throwing.

“You’re coming, Buffy aren’t you?” Cordy asked me, turning in the mirror to get a side view of the red dress she was trying on.

“Well, Uhm… Not so much” I stammered, my face going as red as Cordy’s dress.

“What! Why?” They exclaimed, both of them looking up at me.

“I… I have an empty house and… Well… I think it might be The Night”

“Wow, really” Willow grinned at me.

“It’s about time” Cordelia said with a wry smile, “Think that poor boy’s gonna burst if you hold him off for too much longer”

We laughed and I settled my frazzled nerves by buying three pairs of new shoes, thank the Lord for rich and guilty daddies and their credit cards.

******************************************************************************

It was a couple of days later that Spike actually got around to asking me to the dance, we were sitting together on the fountain at school and he didn’t exactly ask me to the dance.

“So luv, you coming to Cordy’s party with me?” He seemed so sure of himself, far too cocky and I just had to knock him down a few pegs.

“Nope”

He moved off the fountain, to squat in front of me with an oh so sexy pout on his face. “What! Why not?” he looked suitably shocked, so I decided to be a bit nicer to him. Also, I had a habit of melting when he looked at me like that, so it was a given that I wouldn’t make him suffer anymore.

“Well, I’ve got this sexy boyfriend and an empty house, so…”

“You have an empty house” The smirk was back on his face.

“Yeah, and well, I can think of better things to do with it than leave it empty for the night” I replied with my own smirk.

Suddenly he was kissing me and it was a good thing he was holding on to me as well, or I’d have fallen backwards into the water. I just couldn’t get enough of his kisses. Unfortunately time always seemed to go so much faster when it was happening and I’d barely had a chance to kiss him back before the bell went signalling the end of lunch.

******************************************************************************

I wanted our first time to be special, I wanted everything and because of that both Cordelia and Willow were getting ready for the dance at my house, to stop me from accidentally burning it to the ground with my hair straighteners or any of the other million things that could go wrong. I was very good at convincing myself that the worst was going to happen, the fact that things were currently perfect didn’t help, it just made me worse.

“I’m going to be run over before I get there aren’t I?” I asked my friends “Or there will be a sudden flash flood and I’ll get washed away!”

Cordelia turned to Willow “Something’s going to happen to her if she doesn’t shut up!”

Willow agreed with Cordy and to stop myself from being gagged I agreed to shut up about possible disasters and just get ready.

I have to say that when the three of us were ready we were hot, Cordelia in her tight red halter-neck that spilled over the floor behind her, Willow in a long green strapless dress and me in blue. I loved my dress, so I’ll probably dwell on it quite a lot, like I said it was a very pale blue with a tight bodice and thick straps, the skirt was what I loved the most though, it was chiffon layers that floated to the ground at the back, but only came to my knees at the front, showing my legs off to their best advantage. It cost a fortune, but hey, dad had gone to Europe again and was feel extra guilty.

We had arranged to meet the guys at the dance and I couldn’t wait to see what Spike would look like in a tux. Yum.

******************************************************************************

Spike actually managed to look better than I had imagined and it took a lot to stop myself from grabbing him and leaving as soon as I got there.

The night was amazing, we talked and danced, but to be honest I couldn’t stop thinking about what we had planned for later, by the feel of it though, neither could he by the feel of it!

Willow grabbed me when Spike and Oz went off to get some punch,

“So, you two are definitely going to do the wild thing then?”

“Yeah, God Will, I can’t stop thinking about it, I mean, I’m really not sure am gonna last the whole dance” I confessed the last in a whisper and smiled at Spike as he came back.

I shivered as he pulled me towards him possessively, “Gonna go dance with my girl, Red” He said to Willow with a smirk, “Hope you don’t mind”

Willow grinned at him, “As long as that’s all you’re planning to do on the dance floor I’m happy!”

I burst out laughing, turning to Spike and seeing the flush on his face, “Aww, poor baby, did little Willow embarrass you?” I spoke running my hand down his body, stopping short of the waist band of his trousers, He looked like he might burst, so I thought I’d give him a little encouragement.

I leaned up to whisper in his ear “Need me to kiss it better for you?”

“Right that’s it!” He exclaimed, “We’re leaving!” He dragged me out of the dance barely giving me a chance to call a quick goodbye to Willow.

Honestly, you should never let a horny guy drive, it’s really not safe and by the time we pulled up onto my driveway I think my knuckles had become permanently white from the death grip I had on the seat.

Walking into my house I started to get a little unsure.

“Did you want something to drink?” I asked, turning to look at him.

“All I want right now is to take you to your bedroom, minx” He growled, pushing me against the wall and kissing me breathless.

We moved to the bedroom, but there was something I wanted no needed to say,

“Spike, I know I can be a pain and… Well… I just want you to know, I love you”

“Buffy. God, luv you’ve had my heart from the moment I first saw you” He moved to hug me. “Why do you think I chased you out of the lunch room? I love you too”

My heart melted, honestly I could feel my throat closing up at his words, “I just wanted you to know that this really means something to me.”

“And to me as well pet.”

He drew me in for a soft kiss, which slowly deepened, after a while, I felt his hand reaching for the zip at the back of my dress, drawing it down and slipping the straps down my arms, letting the dress pool at the floor.

******************************************************************************

It was hours after as I lay wrapped in his strong arms, looking up at his face I noticed that he was awake.

“Hello, gorgeous” he said kissing me softly.

I hugged him tighter, “Please don’t leave me” I whispered into his chest, he wasn’t supposed to hear me.

But before sleep claimed me, “I would never leave you Buffy.”

So we had made love, I had given him my virginity and we were deeply in love. I had even stopped imagining wild disasters that would ruin my life. I guess life always waits for you to get as high as possible, before throwing you back down to earth with a thump. Well, we had been together, happily for 7 months; I really should have known life is just not that simple.

Bad news always comes in the best guises and when Spike ran into my bedroom the most adorably excited look on his face, I could not have known what was going to happen next.

“What?” I asked, a big smile on my face, I could never get used to thrill I got just by seeing him.

“I got a letter this morning, from the Pipe’s!” He babbled “They want to give me a job!”

I stood and kissed him, “Well done,” I said happily, I knew he was looking for a position in a racing stable, instead of college and I was happy for him.

“Buffy, they are probably the best race horse trainers in the world! And they want me!” I was surprised he wasn’t bouncing up and down.

“When does it start? Where is it?” I asked, “What will you be doing?” I hoped it wasn’t too far. God, I hoped it wouldn’t be in Kentucky, I knew they bred horses there; I couldn’t bear to be that far from him. How little I knew…

“I fly to England the week after graduation.”

Thinking back, I’m sure he was just revelling in his dream and hadn’t stopped to think of the consequences.

“England, why England?” I asked, genuinely confused.

“That’s where the stables are, I’m going to need to work my way up, learn a lot but this is it. The best chance I’m ever going to get!”

My face fell and I felt tears pricking at the back of my eyes. “You…You’re going to England to live?” I wanted to be supportive, but I really don’t think that I was just then.

“I…” Spikes face fell as he suddenly got my meaning. “Oh baby,” He hugged me, his eyes getting brighter. “We’ll work something out. I Promise. I love you.”

He held me as I cried, soaking his shirt, before kissing me gently, pushing a stray lock of hair behind my ear.

The kiss became more passionate, both of us seeking comfort desperately as we fell backwards onto my bed.

******************************************************************************

I was very confused; Spike and I had talked a lot about what we could do. He begged me to apply to college in England, it would only be a year before I could be with him again, I could study art anywhere. This was his dream.

The only problem was, I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to be so far away from my friends, my family. I was selfish. Looking back, I can’t believe I did it. I asked him to stay, begged him to accept on of the other offers, knowing full well what this meant to him. I was such a bitch.

Also I was worried, long distance relationships don’t work. He would find somebody in England and wouldn’t want me there, or I would give up everything and it wouldn’t work out, I would be stuck in a foreign country, thousands of miles from everyone and I would be all alone. I just didn’t have the strength to do this.

I remember endless conversations with Willow as April turned into May and Spike’s graduation came closer. I couldn’t do this and it was a conversation with Dru that caused me to make up my mind.

“My Spike’s sunshine is setting” She said flicking her hair back and looking at me with unusually sane eyes.

“Dru, what are you saying?” I asked, concerned.

“My Spike needs to live in the dark for a while, Sunshine.” I couldn’t work it out; she always called me Sunshine when she was having on of her moments, but the look in her eyes was not the same far away look she normally got.

“Dru, honey, are you still with me?” I asked her, searching her face.

She sighed. “Yes Buffy, I’m here, I just don’t want to be. You are going to cause him a great deal of pain. You already are.”

I realised then exactly what I needed to do. It was better for both of us, I mean honestly, who ends up with their high school sweetheart anyway?

******************************************************************************

Once I had made the decision, I knew I couldn’t put it off otherwise I would just give in and that would cause us a great deal more pain in the future. I drove to the ranch, trying to imagine how I was going to do this. I stupidly didn’t think that being honest would be a good idea.

I found him brushing mystic, looking amazing in a simple jeans and t-shirt, I almost lost it all then, looking at him, my heart flew into my throat as he looked up and grinned. I’d been avoiding him and I knew it hurt him.

“Hey pet. This is a nice surprise. To what do I owe the pleasure?” He was pleased to see me, but the last question definitely had a bite to it. Yep, he was pissed.

“What are you going to do with Mystic?” I asked, ignoring his question, for the time being.

“He’s gonna stay here, aren’t you boy?” He spoke to the horse, which seemed to respond to him by shaking its head. “Tina’s going to take care of him for me.” He looked at me with enquiring eyes, “So, I know you’re not here to ask about Mystic.” He gestured to a bale of hay, “So why don’t we sit down and you can tell me what’s on your mind.”

We sat; I didn’t like the strained silence between us, or how far he was away from me. I tried to speak more than once, but the words would die before I could get them out of my mouth. I started to cry, just silent tears, running down my face.

“Luv, please don’t cry” Spike’s face was anguished as he moved closer and touched my hand, “you know I can’t bear it when you cry”

“Spike, I want to break up”

“What!” He jerked away from me; I looked away from him, fixing my eye on a bridle hanging on the wall.

“I’m sorry, I just… I can’t do this… It hurts too much.”

He moved around to kneel in front of me, tears in his eyes, “Baby please don’t do this to me… To us. I love you” I continued to cry as his hand reached out to cup my face.

“Spike, please don’t make this any harder for me. You’re leaving soon and it’s killing me inside to know that I’m going to have to live without you.”

“So what?” He snapped, getting angry “First hard thing that pops up, you’re just going to run off huh?” He stood and punched the stable door I was frightened, his anger seemed to be a living thing, floating around him. He turned back to me. “Guess I know how you really feel about me huh? I’m worth giving your virginity to, but I’m not worth waiting for! If that’s all you wanted, why didn’t you just break it off back then?”

“Spike…” I whispered brokenly.

“No you know what, I don’t care. I don’t care you hear me?” He had been yelling, but his voice fell to a whisper before he turned out the door “Just stay the fuck away from me okay”

I did what he said, I stayed away from him, it didn’t take a lot, Cordy was furious with me. Hell, I was furious with me. I was so stupid, why did I ever let it get that far?

The thing is I genuinely believed at the time that I was doing the right thing. Oh to know then what I know now.

I knew when his flight was and I couldn’t stop myself, I had to see him one last time, I had to watch him leave. I guess I was punishing myself.

So there I was in the airport, watching him with his family surrounding him, saying goodbye.

I can’t describe how I felt standing there, a part of me died I think. No I know a part of me died, I haven’t been happy with anyone since.

He was hugging Dru and she was whispering something in his ear, suddenly he looked up and his brilliant blue eyes met mine. Even across the busy departure lounge they shined bright.

It was a single glance, but in that glance I saw my world leaving me. We told each other all about the love, pain and fear that we felt.

Then I turned and walked away. I was unwilling to give anymore of myself to him, he was already taking my heart with him, what more could he possibly want.

So that was then, the last time I set eyes on him, not that over the last ten years I haven’t been following his career with interest.

And do you want to know the funniest thing of all? I ended up in England anyway! Not for a long time, I went to college, got a job, dated but they where all compared to Spike, and none of them knew the reason I followed the English racing scene.

Well except for the last one, I tried for a long time with him, he was an angel, literately, his name was Angel and he loved me. Would have given me anything to make me happy. We were together for three years and it had taken a lot for him to get me to go out with him in the first place.

Then he found my sketches, book after book of pictures of Spike. I wish he’d been angry, I deserved it, I wasted three years of his life, but he just looked up at me from his position on the floor, sketch books scattered around him,

“Guess this explains a lot huh?” he laughed, but the look on his face wasn’t funny, it was just plain sad. “How come he got through your wall and into your heart?”

I sighed gathering up the books carefully, “He was there before the wall went up.”

The thing that worries me a little late at night is that Angel ended up with Cordelia, I introduced them about six months after we split and Cordy has always kept in touch with Spike. I wondered about Angel’s reaction when he met him, what he would say.

I introduced Cordy and Angel at my mother’s funeral, about a week before I packed up everything and went travelling. Trying to find a place to settle, finally I found myself in the English countryside, that was a month ago now and I’ve rented a cottage, the scenery helps my painting and I’m selling very well in a number of large London galleries.

So here I am. Ten years later, in the very place I was avoiding, because I was scared. So I threw away my love and suffered for it ever since.

Why don’t I go to see him? I hear you asking, why didn’t I before now? Well the answer is simple and stupid. I was too stubborn. I could have seen him when he visited his family in the first year, but I wouldn’t swallow my pride. The more years that passed the harder it become, he’d have moved on, found someone to spend his life with, he wouldn’t recognise me. I had a million excuses, just to avoid seeing him, because I was scared. The biggest problem with fear is that it only grows the longer you fail to confront it.

So why am I sitting here, writing this, I mean I’m a painter, not a writer.

Well the thing is a couple of hours I got a phone call from Angel.

“Hello gorgeous”

“You wanna keep your male parts, I would suggest not letting Cordy hear you calling me that!”

“She’s busy at the moment and anyway she told me to call you” He sounded anxious.

“Angel, what’s wrong?”

“Well you know Cordy’s dragged my over to your neck of the woods.” He was clearly dragging this out and I was getting frustrated with him.

“Yes, you’re both coming to visit me tomorrow remember? Please get to the point.”

“WewenttotheracestodayandImeetSpike”

“You what now?”

“We went to the races and I met Spike” He answered slower I could almost feel him cringing, “and…”

“And what Angel?” I was starting to get wound up, this was not a nice call.

“I was stupid okay, I… said hello to him before Cordy introduced us and well…”

“Yes?” My voice was very strained.

“I told her about your pictures! Buffy I’m really sorry. He was right there.”

“He was what?!” Now I was pissed.

“He questioned me about it, I wouldn’t say anymore, I promise, I told him he would need to ask you himself.”

“Well as long as you didn’t give him my number I guess I can forgive you.” I said thinking quickly, “It’s not like I’m ever going to see him anyway”

“Well that’s the thing…” I groaned at his words, how could this possibly get any worse?

“I don’t think I really want to know.”

“I caved Buff, I’m sorry, I gave him your address. He left straight away though. I really think he wants to see you. He even missed the big race.”

I sighed and put the phone down on Angel then, I didn’t want to talk anymore and I figured that I could always apologise to him tomorrow, that’s if I didn’t decide to kill him.

So here I am, I’ve come to the end of the story, I considered running some more, but to be honest I’m tired and if he’s coming here that must mean something right?

There was a knock at the door, Buffy and the butterflies in her stomach went to open the door. She has many worries in her heart, but for once she hasn’t run, she will stay and fight her fear. Just maybe it will be worth it.

She opens the door to see a older, more haggard Spike, with a scar over his eyebrow. They stand there for a minute drinking in the changes to one another, before without a word Spike grabs her and pulls her close, leaning down as she cups his face in her hands, looking at him tenderly. They begin to kiss.