~*~
Is there something I can do?
She sat still, staring into space, fighting her body’s every impulse. She wanted to reach out to him, wanted to let him hold her and offer her the comfort she’d felt when he had patted her back—but she didn’t dare.
For five years now she’d been schooled in the way the world behaved. Vampires are evil. The Slayer fights evil, kills the vampires. It had been so easy back then—before he started to change. Before he started working his way into her life.
She’d said she didn’t want to talk about it. She was a liar. More than anything in the world, she wanted to talk to him, to ask him what was happening—to cry about the unfairness of it all.
Her mother was good, gentle and kind. Why had the world chosen her to suffer?
And him? She couldn’t figure him out. Sometimes he was kind to her, other times he offered her insults that sliced her heart into pieces. She could still feel the gaping wound Parker had left, made worse by the derisive comments he’d made the day after. Called her a slut, said she was stupid…and no insults had ever hurt worse. For a year she’d told herself that it was because what he’d said was so true.
Now she couldn’t help but wonder if it was because of who was saying it.
The silence stretched on, awkward, minimally comforting. She could feel words bubbling up inside her, threatening to break the surface—words that begged to be said, to be acted upon. She should have—would have—but she was scared. Scared of what could be, might be, if she let him in.
But the silence was more unbearable than all the fears her heart presented her with, so she finally spoke. “It’s my mom,” she said quietly, refusing to meet his eyes.
“Somethin’s wrong with Joyce?” Distinct fear in his voice. Nice to know she wasn’t the only one feeling that way.
“The doctors said…” Her voice caught. She hated herself for the weakness, but she couldn’t stop it. “They said there’s a shadow. In her brain. It might be a tumor.”
A sharp, entirely unneeded intake of breath. “’m sorry, luv,” he said quietly.
She turned her head sharply, meeting his eyes—and gasped when she did. They were so filled with emotion, and she knew that some of it was for her. Most of it, though, was for her mother.
Tears filled her eyes. For some reason, the pain in him inspired agony within her. He was evil, the creature she was supposed to kill. According to the books, she wasn’t even supposed to hate him. He was beneath her in every way—she herself had told him so.
Why was he the only one who cared?
It was weak, it was wrong, yet she was powerless to stop it. The tears flowed, first just a few, then a river of them, corresponding to the sobs wracking her body. The strong Slayer within her was absolutely appalled that she should be breaking down crying, but the girl didn’t care. She felt cold and alone, deprived of the security that was her mother.
Both the girl and the Slayer within were shocked when the solitude was shattered. First the rustle of fabric, and then cool, strong arms encased themselves around her. Her body was cradled in them, her head pressed against an unbeating heart.
She shouldn’t feel relieved. She shouldn’t cling to him like he was the only thing keeping her alive.
But she did.
He let her cry, murmuring soft, gentle words—words that shouldn’t have come from a vampire. His hand stroked her back, seeking only to comfort her, and the lips that touched her hair showed no sign of sometimes having fangs behind him.
Minutes passed. All was quiet outside save for the sobs of the girl pouring out her very human hurt in the arms of a monster. Finally, her consciousness began to reassert itself; pulling herself upright, she said, “That was…”
“No need to say it, Slayer,” he said bitterly. “I know the tune already. Say anything about this and you’ll stake me, right?”
She sighed. “No. I—“ She broke off and turned again, facing the yard.
Silence again, but more peaceful this time. After awhile she sighed and shifted, breaking the spell around them and throwing them back into the real world. A world where a girl and a vampire didn’t share with one another, never offered comfort. A world that was all too familiar to them both.
He was the first person to give into its pressure. “Right, then. Guess I’d best be off.” He stood up, grabbed the gun again, and began to walk away.
“Spike.”
He stopped dead. “Yeah, luv?”
Buffy bit her lip, then whispered, “Thank you.”
So quiet he really shouldn’t have heard her; but many things had transpired that night that shouldn’t have. He nodded. “Welcome.” Moved his head as though he thought about leaving, yet didn’t walk away.
“This can’t—I’m not—“ Buffy struggled to express what she was thinking, fought to reconcile her burgeoning feelings with what she already knew.
A smile tinged his lips, pure cynicism. “I know, Buffy. I know.” His eyes met hers; the unguarded hope in them caught her off balance. “But someday?”
Someday. A precious word. When all of this was over, when she’d learned to stand apart from her friends and accept that she walked in a world none of them knew. Someday, when time stopped and life made sense again.
Someday, when love wasn’t such a complicated and terrible thing.
She smiled, matching him. “Yeah, Spike. Someday.”
“You’ll tell me how your mum is?”
She closed her eyes briefly against the pain. A ghost of a memory came back to her—strength that equaled her own, guarding her, if only for a second, from her fears. “I’ll let you know.”
“Right, then.” His head tilted as though he was considering nearing her again; but then she opened her eyes again, and he knew he had to walk away. “Be seein' you, Slayer." He hurried off, before either of them could do something they’d both regret.
She watched him walk away, the shadow of an apparition sometimes called love. And for the first time, seeing him slip into the shadows, she didn’t see the monster.
“Goodbye, William.”
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!