Dawn heard her sister’s cries from her room, and crept downstairs. Buffy hadn’t cried since their Mom died, and if Buffy was crying, something big had happened. Dawn peeked into the living room and frowned at her sister, who didn’t look up. Buffy was hysterical and sobbing in Tara’s lap.

What happened that was so bad?

Tara looked at the younger Summers and mouthed ‘Spike.’ Dawn wanted to talk to Buffy and find out what was wrong. She could help. She was Buffy’s sister and Buffy needed someone to comfort her. Buffy has been very distant lately, but she still needed someone. Dawn took a step closer to the girls, but Tara shook her head vigorously. She mouthed ‘Spike” again.

Dawn slipped out the door reluctantly. If she had to go get Spike in the middle of the night, it couldn’t be good. How would Spike be able to help her sister if she couldn’t? Spike was going to pissed that she was out by herself at night.

Tara sighed as Dawn left and chanted an incantation to protect her. She was risking sending Dawn out, but Spike was the only who could help Buffy. A simple protection spell would get Dawn to Spike’s crypt and home safely.

***

Spike sprawled in his chair, facing away from the door, and drained his glass of blood as the crypt door opened behind him. Dawn’s scent drifted around him. It was so much like Buffy’s, but had a little girl scent to it as well.

“Nibblet. What have I told you about being out late?” he said.

He was too sore to be angry with Dawn; his ribs hurt, his face hurt, and his heart ached from Buffy’s beating. Heartless bint just left him in the alley for the sun to kill him. Didn’t even look twice.

“I know I’m not supposed to, but Buffy’s in trouble. We gotta get home.”

Spike grabbed his duster and followed Dawn out of the crypt liked the obedient puppy that he was. She beat the hell out of him and here he was, running to her rescue. As usual. His love for her blinded him to his physical and emotional pain. When she needed him, which seemed to be always, she knew he would be there in a heartbeat. No matter what she did to him.

“What happened?” he asked, lighting up a cigarette with his shaky hands.

“I don’t know,” Dawn said, rushing to keep up with his long strides, even with his pronounced limp. “I woke up and heard Buffy crying and came downstairs. She was crying in Tara’s arms and Tara sent me to get you, but I don’t know why.”

“Glinda sent you?” Spike asked, perturbed. Why would she send for him?

Dawn rolled her eyes. “Yeah,” she said. “It probably ties in with going to the police station.” Earlier that evening, Buffy came into her room and told Dawn that she was going away again. Dawn had been so angry at Buffy for wanting to leave.

“What happened to your face? she asked.

Spike sucked in his cheeks. “I had a run-in with some vamps, Nibblet,” he said, the lie rolling off his lips easily. “This has nothing to do with Buffy.”

“I don’t know why you guys lie to me,” Dawn grumbled. “I’m not stupid. I know something is going on between you and Buffy and it’s only a matter of time before I figure it out.”

Dawn and Spike quietly entered the house. Buffy’s sobbing had dwindled to sniffling, but she was still resting her head * in Tara’s lap like she was hiding.

Tara saw Spike, and smiled in relief. Spike could help Buffy and pull her out of the hole she had gotten herself in to.

“Buffy?” Spike asked.

Spike frowned and looked at Tara. Spike had never seen Buffy like this. Not ever. She seemed broken and lost. He hadn’t seen her cry either. His heart twisted with pain when he heard her tears start up again. Had something happened at the police station? If she had killed the girl and admitted to it, she wouldn’t be here. So, that wasn’t it. Something else must have happened after she left him in the alley.

Tara winced at the sight his face. His lips were bloody and swollen. His right eye was swollen shut and his left barely escaped that luxury. He had limped through the door.

She prayed that Buffy hadn’t done that to him, but she knew her prayers were going to go unanswered. Buffy would be the only person to get away with beating Spike so badly. No demon would get past one or two punches against Spike, but Buffy would have been allowed to go all the way.

She motioned for him to come over and Spike sat on the floor next to Buffy without question. His ribs throbbed at his motions, but he gently pulled Buffy away from Tara and into his arms. He cradled his abuser in his strong embrace and stretched his legs out in front of him make her more comfortable.

“Spike,” Buffy whimpered, in surprise, when she felt his arms surround her. He’s touching her after she bashed his beautiful face. He’s here, holding her, after she left him for the sun to kill him. That thought brought more tears to her eyes. She may be a Slayer, but she wasn’t a murderer, yet she had almost murdered Spike. She’d tortured him, just like Glory did, and he let her. Then, he came to her when she needed him.

Now she knew why she let Spike do those things to her. She knew why she always went back to him for cold comfort. Because he would always come back to her, no matter what she did. He’d never leave her alone, or abandon her, unlike the other men in her life. Dad, Angel, Riley, Giles - they all left. Spike would be with her when she needed help, no matter how many times she told him to leave her alone.

And, no matter how much she wanted to deny it, she longed for Spike. She might not love him, but she wanted him with her.

Tara stood up and approached Dawn. “We should leave them alone,” she said, quietly as she glanced at the Slayer who was rapidly losing her composure. Tara smiled reassurance at Dawn and shooed her to the kitchen.

***

Spike stroked Buffy’s hair and held her tightly. “Shhh. It’s going to be okay, Buffy.” He was unsure of what had made her upset, but false promises might be what she needed right now. Maybe he needed them, too.

“How can you even look at me after what I did?” she asked through her tears.

“You outta know why,” Spike responded, gently. He pushed her away a little and kissed her tenderly. “I would do anything for you.”

Buffy sniffled and kissed him back gently, knowing she had hurt him badly. She shifted so she could wrap her arms his neck, taking care not to injure him again.

Spike deepened their kiss. He didn’t care about his pain anymore. All he wanted to do was make her feel better, which would make him feel better as well. He didn’t know what was going on, but he felt responsible. She was crying because of him.

“I’m so sorry,” she said.

He was still angry at her and if she was bawling her eyes out in his lap, he would forget how angry he is and he didn’t want to forget, not this time.

“Buffy, come on. I’ll take you upstairs. Everything’s daffodils and teddy bears, mate.” He didn’t want to argue with her tonight. That way they could get some rest.

Buffy snuggled into Spike’s arms as he carried her upstairs. “Spike?”

“Yeah?” he asked, walking into her room. He’d never been invited in here. It’s the place he would get to be if Buffy would tell their friends about him. That would never happen.

“Stay?”

“If you want me to,” Spike said. “But, if I’m just gonna get a kick to the head in the morning, you can forget it.”

Buffy shook her head against him. “I need you tonight and then tomorrow, everything is going to get fixed.”

He laid her on the bed and tried to step away but, she pulled him down with her.

Spike lay next to her and allowed her to snuggle into his arms. “Go to sleep, Buffy.”

“Are you gonna stay?”

“Yeah. Tomorrow, we’ll talk,” he said. He kissed her hair. Yeah, they were going to talk alright. But, more than likely, it would end up with them arguing and him fending her off again.

Buffy nodded. “Okay.” She was going to have tell to him what happened at the police station and do some major groveling. He was going to stay with her. That was enough to help her close her eyes and sleep.

***


Buffy was alone when she woke up.

He didn’t answer. He skunked her like all the rest and that hurt. He promised he’d stay, but just like with Angel, she woke up alone.

“Spike?”

He entered her room. “Sleeping Beauty awakes,” he said, settling on the bed next to her.

Buffy got out of bed as he sat down next to her. She needed a little bit of distance so she could think. He confused her and she needed to be focused. “I thought you were gonna stay. Then, I woke up and you weren’t there.” No wonder Spike always begged her to stay with him. It hurt to wake up alone. At least, it hurt when there was someone in the bed next to you.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to upset you. Dawn knocked on your door and I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to come in here until we talked to her.”

“You didn’t upset me. I thought you were still mad at me, and okay, fine, you upset me a little,” she rambled, wrapping her arms around herself. She was making an idiot out of herself. She decided last night that he wouldn’t just up and leave her, but there was a possibility that she had pushed him too far for him to want to stay with her.

“At least I know I’m not crazy when I wake up alone,” he muttered under his breath, but loud enough for her to hear.

Anger swelled in Buffy but she tried to remain calm. “So you what… wanted to give me a dose of my own medicine?”

“No, Buffy,” Spike said. “That’s not what I wanted. Dawn knocked and I told her that you and I would talk to her later.”

“You didn’t tell her about us?” she asked carefully.

“Oh yeah, I’m gonna tell Dawn that you like to fuck me into the ground. You made me swear not to tell anyone.”

“Nice choice of words,” Buffy clipped.

Spike looked at her closely. What the hell was wrong with her? “Buffy, I you need to get your head screwed back on. You aren’t making any sense.” They needed to get this sorted out. He was tired of her games. He was tired of being beat up, being used. He was tired of her hiding her relationship with him, like she was ashamed. And, he was tired of being hurt. He gave up Drusilla for her, and it was beginning to look like the biggest mistake of his life. “Buffy, I love you and you know that. What you did, crossed the line. My love isn’t that deep that I’m gonna let you beat the crap out of me and leave me for the sun whenever you feel like it.”

Buffy sat next to him. “I don’t know why I did that,” she said, looking at her bed comforter. “It isn’t like me. I don’t know what came over me. I couldn’t begin to tell you what’s going on.”

“Just start talking and everything will come out,” he said. He was angry and his muscles were tense.

Buffy took a shaky breath and moved away from him. “Spike, I tried to love you. I really did, but I can’t. I don’t want to lose you, and I want things between us to be better. It’s not you. Honestly. I just… can’t. I don’t have any feelings. I’m empty and numb. I don’t feel anything with my friends, or even Dawn. But, when we’re together, it doesn’t seem so dark and empty,” she admitted. “I don’t know what happened with us. I’ve been horrible and I don’t want to be like that. I’m not...I’m not a monster.”

Spike’s expression softened. “Buffy, you’re gonna have to trust me,” he said. His mind raged with questions. “But you can’t… you can’t abuse me anymore.”

“I want to be the girl that you fell in love with. There is no way that this is her.”

He trailed off, unsure how to continue. He had to choose his words carefully or this wouldn’t work. This could be his only chance to get through to Buffy. “I may be a vampire, but I have feelings. No matter what you’ve been taught, I can love. I do love. You should know that. Everything I do is for you.”

“Maybe you’re right,” Buffy admitted. “Maybe you can love. Actually I know that you can. But, your chip...”

“My chip stopped working on you weeks ago and yet, here you are.”

The chip excuse wouldn’t work anymore. She had always told herself that it wasn’t for the chip that he wouldn’t feel the way he did. But, his chip didn’t work on her, and he loved her just the same. His feelings were real and she was running out of reasons not to be with him.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t mean to justify your feelings for me on the chip. But, what if it stops working? How do I know that you aren’t going to go back to the way you used to be? What is going to stop you from wanting to kill me and my friends?”

“Buffy, I’ve tried to take down you and your friends and I failed many times,” he said. “There would be no reason for me to keep trying. Falling in love with you changed the way look at things. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you. I know that I was a monster, but I’m not anymore. I don’t hurt people just to hurt them. I haven’t in a long time. I’m not about to start again with you.”

She looked at him with a worried gaze. She was scared of the outcome of what was happening. What would happen if she let herself love Spike? Despite what he was saying, what if he found a way to go back to killing people like Angel did? She’d never seen him torture people emotionally like Angelus did, but he’s killed people and liked it. If he wanted to, he could have minions kill her and her friends. That was all in the past. Neither of them had been very good to each other these past few months and it was time to make it right.

“I’m willing to change,” she said. “I know I need to change. But, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. This isn’t who I am. I’m not someone who abuses people who love me. I don’t do that. I don’t want to do that anymore.”

Spike reached out and ran his fingers through her short hair. He loved it long. She cut it off to hurt him. “Buffy, no matter what you’ve done, and believe me, you’re not off the hook for it, I love you,” he said, lifting her chin so their eyes met.

“I’m not… I’m not this perfect angel that you seem to think I am. My friends put me on a pedestal and so do you and that is hard for me.”

“I do not put you on a pedestal,” Spike argued. “If anything, I’m the one who calls you out every time you mess up. You’re not better then anyone else. You save the world, but you’re still a girl, you still make mistakes.”

“I never wanted to make you less than me, or at least that wasn’t my intention,” she said. “It didn’t start like that. I just… I hated my life. I wanted to blame someone, but I shouldn’t have blamed you.”

“No, you shouldn’t have. I didn’t bring you back from the dead, Buffy. It’s not my fault that you’re miserable. I only tried to help. I am willing to do anything to help you be okay again.”

“I know you love me. I’ve tried to deny it, but I can’t. Every time I do, you prove me wrong, and you get hurt. I’m not going hurt you like that anymore.”

“How can I believe you, Buffy?” Spike asked, sadly. “You’ve been hurting me for months, you nearly killed me. How do I know that you’re really going to change?”

“I know this sounds silly of me to say, but you’re going to have to trust me,” she said, repeating his earlier words. “I need a chance to prove it to you, if you’ll let me. But I do have something to tell you.” She paused and wrung her hands together as she thought about what she was going to say in answer to his question. “I asked Tara to look into the spell that brought me back to figure out why you can hit me. Last night, she told me that there isn’t anything wrong with me.” So, why am I hurting people? Why am I hurting myself?

“Is that why you were upset?” Spike asked, raising an eyebrow. He felt a pang of guilt for telling her there was something wrong with her. That was wrong on his part, but he was desperate at that point. She had all but driven him insane with her back and forth – she wanted him, she didn’t want him. He wanted to prove that she wasn’t better than he was. “Glinda told you that you were fine, so you didn’t have an excuse to be beating the shit out of me all the damn time?”

“No!” Buffy gasped in horror. “That wasn’t it at all.”

Spike stood up and walked away from the bed. He clenched and unclenched his fists. “Then, what the hell is your problem?” he growled. “You come to me to scratch an itch, when it’s convenient for you. Then, when you have to go back to reality, you want to pretend it didn’t happen. Last night in the woods, all I did was try to help you and keep you safe and what did you do? You beat the shit out of me and left me for the sun. You didn’t even care, Buffy! You just left me there. I know you were worried about that girl and what happened but, you didn’t care about me.”

“That isn’t true,” Buffy whimpered, tears sliding out of the corners of her eyes. “You let me hurt you. Why didn’t you stop me?”

“Oh, no. You do not get to blame me for what you did.” Spike ran his hands through his hair. “Why do I do anything for you, Buffy? I thought you would wake up and realize that all I was trying to do was make sure that you didn’t throw your life away. One girl isn’t worth the number of people you saved. You think I wanted you to go to jail over one mistake?”

“I didn’t want to go to jail, Spike,” she said. “But, I thought I killed her. I couldn’t live with that.”

Spike smiled bitterly. “But, you can live with what you did to me,” he said, crossing his arms and moving away from her.

“You’re a vampire, Spike,” Buffy said, then placed her hand over her mouth. That didn’t come out like she wanted it to.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? If you kill a girl by accident, and you’re willing to be punished for it, but if you beat up a vampire, that’s okay, that’s excusable?”

“I thought she was an innocent girl caught in the crossfire. But, I found out Warren killed her,” Buffy said. “You’ve killed hundreds of people, and you don’t even feel sorry for them.”

“How would you know?” Spike’s anger flared. “Just because I don’t go around moping like Angel doesn’t mean I don’t care. When the hell is he going to stop being your model for everyone in your life?”

Buffy sighed and rubbed her face. “I’m sorry, okay? That didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.”

“How did you want it to come out, then?” Spike asked. “Tell me right now, because I’m tired of your games, Buffy.”

“I thought I killed someone. I had to turn myself in. It was really hard for me to do that, but I had to. It’s part of being a Slayer, my moral duty. You’ve studied me for a long time and you should know that, Spike.”

Spike shook his head at her. “It’s not that, Buffy,” he said, softly. “You compare everyone to Angel. I don’t have a soul, so how could I possibly love you. Captain Cardboard, he wasn’t monster enough for you. I would never hurt you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Everything I do Buffy, I do for you. I didn’t think that you’d beat me so bad that I couldn’t move, but I wasn’t about to let you throw your life away.”

“Spike,” she said, reaching out to grab his hand. “I’m not comparing you to Angel. I haven’t in a long time. I’m sorry if I make you feel like that.” She took a shuddering breath and pressed on. “I am sorry about what I did to you. You didn’t deserve that. I’m going to earn your trust back and I won’t ever hit you out of anger again.”

Spike admitted her words sparked some hope in him, but there was more. “What about when you need me to itch a scratch ?” he asked. “I can’t bear this thing with you anymore. As much as I love you, and believe me I do, I can’t keep sleeping with you only to have you walk out on me.”

Buffy shook her head. “No more of that,” she said, softly. “I’m ready to start over, start with dating maybe.”

“I want to believe you,” he said, pulling his hand from hers. “I do. I don’t know if I can.”

“Will you give me a chance to prove it to you?”

“I’ll see,” he said, moving away from her. “I wanna talk to Dawn before I leave.”

Buffy raised an eye brow. “We’ll talk to Dawn,” she agreed. “but, it’s daylight. I don’t plan on having you burst into flames. I’ll stay away from you if want. I’ll go out even. You can leave once the sun sets.”

Spike nodded and left the bedroom to find Dawn.

Buffy pressed the heel of her hands to her eyes and took a few deep breaths. He didn’t want to be around her and she deserved that, even after he’d spent the night in her bed. If she wanted things to work with Spike she had to do things his way . That didn’t make his distance hurt any less, but a few days apart was better than Spike walking out of her life forever.

Dawn was looking for something to eat, when Spike came into the kitchen. “Hi, Spike,” she said, closing the fridge. “How are things with you and Buffy?”

“Dawn,” he said, quietly. “We need to talk.”

“Yes, Dawn,” Buffy agreed from the doorway. “The three of us need to talk about some things. It’s not all stuff you’re going to like.”

Dawn sat at the counter. “Is this about last night?”

Buffy looked at Spike, but he didn’t look at her and it didn’t look like he was going to answer Dawn’s question. Well, this was her first test. She had to tell Dawn what happened. “This is about a lot of things. Not just last night.”

Dawn glanced at Spike, who was sitting next to her, and he looked heartbroken and Buffy looked guilty. Whatever was going on was killing her sister and Spike. “You guys are scaring me,” she said, nervously.

“Spike and I were sleeping together,” Buffy said. She sat down next to her sister at the counter as Spike leaned against the sink.

“That’s all?” Dawn asked, relaxing her shoulders. “Phew. You guys really had me worried.”

Buffy’s brows drew together. “That’s it?”

Dawn giggled. “I don’t care, Buffy,” she said. “It’s about time you two got together.”

“It’s not that simple, Dawn,” Buffy said.

“There is nothing complicated about love, Buffy,” Dawn said.

“There is when only one person in the relationship is in love,” Spike muttered.

“What are you talking about?” she asked. She looked at Buffy. “What is he talking about?”

Buffy bit her lip. Spike’s eyes begged her not to back out, and no matter how hard it was, she wasn’t going to disappoint him. Dawn deserved to know, and Spike deserved to not be a dirty little secret. “I’m not in love with Spike,” she admitted.

Confusion marred Dawn’s face. “Then, why are you sleeping with him?”

“Um… Dawn,” Buffy said. “I told you it was complicated.”

“Don’t do that,” Dawn said, angrily. She stood up. “You don’t sleep with someone just for the hell of it, Buffy. Especially not with someone who loves you like Spike does.”

“Nibblet,” Spike said, taking a step toward her. “It’s not just Buffy’s fault.”

“I know it’s not!” Dawn screamed at him. “You… you abandoned me as soon as Buffy came back. And for what? Nothing.”

“Now, hold on a minute,” Spike said. “You don’t know everything. It’s not like I woke up one morning and decided… ‘Hey, I think I’ll kick Dawn to the curb and jump into bed with Buffy.’ That’s not what happened at all.”

“She doesn’t love you,” Dawn said. “I do. You were my best friend and all you wanted was to get in her pants.”

Spike snarled. “I was wrong for not coming around. But, I didn’t take care of you for all those months so I could have sex with your sister. I didn’t think she would come back. You can’t say that I didn’t care about you.”

“You left me, Spike,” Dawn whimpered, tears in her eyes. “You let Buffy take over. She ruined everything.”

“Dawn, I’ve done a lot of bad things,” Buffy said. She couldn’t let Dawn blame Spike for everything that she had done wrong. “It’s not Spike’s fault that I was so horrible.”

“It’s not Spike’s fault that you didn’t want to be here, either,” Dawn growled. “You had no right to do what you did.”

“You don’t even know what I did,” Buffy said, defensively.

“I don’t need to. I don’t want to know. You hurt him. You bashed his face in. I know you did that to him. He still came to your rescue. How he stays with you, I don’t know. You don’t deserve him.”

“No, I don’t,” Buffy agreed.

“That’s rich, Buffy. Take away the only person who ever loved me because he wanted to. Not because he had to,” Dawn said, stomping toward the stairs. What a bitch. Buffy’s friends would love seeing them together. Not. Buffy deserved to have her heart ripped out and stepped on. Both Buffy and Spike did. She would make sure they both suffered. She passed her room and headed to Willow’s room to reveal the news. Willow would make sure Xander got the news.

***
Buffy looked at Spike. “That didn’t quite go like I thought. Well, I expected her leaving the room like the teenager she is, but I didn’t expect her to be angry with you.”

Spike’s hands were shaking. He wasn’t sure if he was more angry or heartbroken. “No, it didn’t,” he agreed. He met her emerald gaze and he approached the island to cover her hand. “We knew this would be coming sooner or later, even if we didn’t want to. We had to tell her about what has been going on these past few months with us. I hope she’ll forgive us for lying to her.”

“I didn’t want her to be mad at you,” she said. “It wasn’t your fault that this happened.”

Spike shook his head. “She’s right, Buffy,” he said. “I did abandon her and I shouldn’t have. Even though you were back, I still could have been around to keep an eye on her. But, I…you were all I thought about.” He remembered when he saw her on the stairs. “I was overcome with joy at seeing you again.” But, that feeling of happiness, from having her back, was ruined once he found out she’d been torn from heaven.

She came to him for comfort, and that was something he’d been craving for a year. Once they fell into their awful habit, he realized that she didn’t actually care about him. Until now. She was willing to turn things around, and start clean with him, starting with her friends. That was more then he could ask for.

He did forget about the younger Summers’ girl, and he was unsure of how to patch things up with her. He thought his job was over once Buffy came back. He still could have come over to hang out with Dawn. His guilt was already eating away at him from that. He hadn’t realized what Buffy’s return had done to Dawn. Only what it had done to him and Buffy herself.

Maybe he’d really never be good enough for either of them. Everything that he did, always ended up in someone getting hurt. He couldn’t make one girl happy without hurting the other.

“I’m sorry,” Buffy said, pulling her hand away from his, as she looked around the kitchen before coming to rest on his face.

His eyes became distant and he was obviously thinking about Dawn.

This was all her fault and she didn’t deserve comfort. “I’m going to make it right.”

“You might not be able to,” he said.

“But I have to try, Spike,” she said. “Dawn needs us both in her life, and she is going to have her teenage girly fit right now, and then she will come around. She’s just like me when I was her age. I’m going to talk to her and make things right.”

“Dawn needs to forgive us. We have to prove to her that we deserve it.”

Buffy sighed and nodded. “You’re right. You’re right.”

Spike sat next to her, but didn’t touch her. She pulled away for a reason, and he didn’t want to push her farther away when their bond was so fragile right now. Being with Buffy was like walking on glass. He didn’t want to upset her, or cause her to change her mind about wanting to be with him. He was so used to doing what he wanted. Even with Drusilla. Now with Buffy, he had to make sure he didn’t step out of line; vice versa, he did the same with her.

Buffy thought proving something to Spike would be hard enough, now she had to prove to Dawn that she deserved to be forgiven for turning to Spike and taking him away from her. What a day. And, it had only just started.

Willow looked up from her book when Dawn knocked on her door. “Hey, Dawnie,” she said. She smiled at the young girl who barely spoke to her much. “What was all the yelling about?” Willow could tell something bad happened. She had just stayed in her room, trying to study during the yelling, but she didn’t get much studying done.

“Buffy’s having sex with Spike,” Dawn announced, from the doorway. “Just thought you had a right to know. She is using and abusing him. That’s why neither of them has been around.”

Willow looked at Dawn as the smile fell from her face and tilted her head as she sat up on the edge of her bed. She ran through what Dawn said and started laughing. “That’s funny,” she said, covering her mouth. “Buffy would never sleep with Spike. They are just friends.”

“Willow, I’m serious,” Dawn said, folding her arms. “Buffy just told me. She said she’s having sex with Spike, but she doesn’t love him.”

“That doesn’t sound like Buffy,” Willow replied. “Are you okay? You don’t look too good. I know Spike is your best friend.”

Dawn nodded and stared at the redheaded witch. “He was, and I’m going to be fine,” Dawn responded, in a dark voice. “Everything is going to be fine.”

Willow stood, grabbing Dawn’s arm before the teen could leave the room. “Dawn, we have to talk to Buffy.”

Dawn pulled her arm free. “No,” she said. “I don’t have anything more to say to either of them. You can talk to her. I’m going out. I’ll go to the Magic Box. See if Anya needs some help.” Dawn left, rushing down the stairs, and slamming the front door closed.

Willow sighed and went downstairs to talk to Buffy.

Willow saw Buffy coming out of the kitchen and paused on the steps. How were they going to deal with this? “Hey, Buffy,” she said, trying to keep her voice gentle, unsure of Buffy’s mood. She didn’t want to be on the receiving end of an angry slayer.

Buffy bit her lip noticing Willow’s uncertain stare. “She told you,” she said, realizing where Dawn had gone after leaving the kitchen, and crossed her arms.

Spike, having heard the witch coming down the stairs, exited the kitchen and stood near Buffy, but he didn’t touch her.

Willow nodded in response to Buffy’s lingering statement. She reached out to touch Buffy, but the Slayer flinched away, backing into Spike, who rested his hands on her shoulders. “It’s okay, Buffy,” Willow said. “You’re not really sleeping with Spike, are you?”

Spike glared at the witch. “Am I that bad of a guy?” he growled. “Why does everyone find this so bad?”

“Maybe because you tried to kill us a whole bunch of times, and you had a creepy obsession with Buffy. You’re a vampire, and, oh, you’re kind of mean. The list can go on,” Willow answered. Turning her attention back to Buffy, she asserted, “Buffy, please tell me Dawn’s just upset about some teenager thing.”

Buffy’s body trembled with small shakes, and Spike gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze to soothe her. “I was,” she confessed. “But, we’re stopping and fixing things by starting over. I was going to tell you, Will. I was. I just wanted to talk to Dawn first.”

“Pet,” Spike said, causing her to look at him. “Breathe. You’re shaking like a leaf.”

Willow put her hands on her hips, sticking her pointy elbows. She didn’t like what she was seeing before her. “Why are, or were you sleeping with Spike?” she demanded.

“Why is that your business?” Buffy retorted, turning a little angry now. “Willow, I’m sorry I lied to you, but you don’t understand what I was going through. I needed…I needed to get away. I just couldn’t be perfect Buffy for everyone anymore. I wasn’t okay with what happened, and I was tired of pretending to be okay. Spike just let me be unhappy. He didn’t ask me for anything.” As the words tumbled out of her mouth, Buffy realized how true they were. Spike never asked her for anything, except maybe to love him back.

“She needed something to abuse,” Spike muttered, moving away from the Slayer to lean in the doorway to the living room.

Buffy felt his loss from her side immediately, and wanted to deny what he’d said, but she couldn’t. She dropped her gaze to the floor.

“Abuse?” Willow replied, incredulously. “Buffy doesn’t abuse people.”

Spike ticked his head to the side and icily accused, “That’s right. I’m not a person, right, Willow. Just a vampire. You just said so yourself. So, I guess this,” he gestured to his still swollen face, “this is not abuse then.”

Willow studied his face and the guilty expression on Buffy’s face. She calmly asked, “You did that to his eye…his face?”

Buffy took a shuddering breath. “Yeah, I did that to his face,” she responded with shame. “I didn’t just decide that I’d beat Spike up, though. I couldn’t stop myself.”

“I’m sure Spike had done something wrong, right, Buffy?” Willow asked hopefully. If Spike had been up to his usual evil ways, then the world made sense again. Buffy shouldn’t be ashamed of beating up the vampire.

“No, he actually was trying to help me,” Buffy answered softly.

Nothing was making sense. Willow looked at Spike whose face was healing, but still very swollen. “You let her do that to you?”

Spike shrugged. “I couldn’t let her turn herself in for something that was an accident,” he said. “Didn’t quite work. She’s never listened to me before, and it was stupid of me to think that she would this time.”

“Wait, you tried to stop her from going to the police?” At Spike’s nod, Willow pressed, “and, Dawn is upset because?”

Spike sighed. “Nibblet’s upset because I wasn’t around after you lot brought her back. She thinks Buffy took me away from her.”

Willow’s mouth formed an ‘o.’ “That makes a wacky kind of sense.”

“I didn’t mean to,” Buffy said, in defense. She felt as if everyone was ganging up on her. Granted, she knew she deserved it, but she didn’t want it all at once. She didn’t in good conscious want to hurt Dawn.

“Didn’t mean what, Buffy? Sleeping with Spike? Beating up Spike? Or taking Spike away from Dawn?” All this was giving Willow a headache, making her wish this conversation had never started.

Spike waited for Buffy to answer. He wanted to hear what she’d say. However, all Buffy did was shrug and look completely lost. He decided once again to give her an easy out.

“Buffy,” Spike said. “We know you didn’t, but you can’t explain that to Dawn right now.”

“Well, you’re all ganging up on me like I wanted to hurt people, and I didn’t,” she insisted.

“You could have fooled the rest of us,” Spike muttered.

Buffy looked up at him with a worried gaze. “Do you want me to leave?” she asked, wrapping her arms around her middle. She didn’t actually think that Spike would ask her to leave, but it was clear that they had a long way to go to earn back some trust.

Willow looked at her friend, startled. “Leave?”

“Spike can’t leave,” Buffy said, matter-of-factly. “It’s daylight. If he wants some time to himself, I told him I would go out for a little bit.”

“Spike gets around in the sun just fine,” Willow replied, as she raised an eyebrow. “You could just give him a blanket and send him on his way.”

“I don’t want him to leave,” Buffy mumbled, as she stared the hard wood floor beneath her feet.

Spike itched for a cigarette, but he couldn’t smoke in Buffy’s house. He didn’t even need to ask her to know that, but he was getting antsy. He didn’t really want to be part of this conversation. “Would you care if I took a shower?” he asked. It would give him at least twenty minutes to himself to think about what he was going to do about his girls.

“Go ahead,” Buffy said. She had forgotten all about his wounds. He was still bleeding when he was kissing her in the living room. She saw now he was still hurting. “Do you need anything?” She wanted to do something for him. Guiltily, she realized she hadn’t really thought about how he was feeling. He would need blood and some disinfectant for the oozing cuts on his face.

Spike shook his head. “No thanks, Buffy,” he said, going upstairs with slow steps to keep from hurting his mending ribs.

Tears welled in Buffy’s eyes at how much pain he was still suffering from. She wanted to help him, but he wanted to be alone. She knew she deserved nothing less, but that didn’t mean she didn’t want to be with him. She thought about telling Willow she wanted a few minutes with Spike, but she was already on fragile territory with Spike. If he wanted to be alone, she would give him that, even though it hurt her to her soul that he wanted to be away from her.

“You’re crying,” Willow said, amazedly. Buffy was crying over Spike. What had this world come to? Xander was going to freak about this. This really wasn’t the Buffy that she knew. Her Buffy wouldn’t keep secrets or sleep with soulless vampires. Angel was bad enough but now Spike?

Buffy wiped away her tears. “Sorry.”

“No, Buffy,” Willow said, smiling a little bit, trying a different approach. “Crying is a good thing. You haven’t cried in a long time. It’s good for you.”

“We should talk,” Buffy said. Buffy sat on the couch.

Willow followed her friend and sat next to her. “What happened?” Perhaps if she got to the bottom of this, she could fix it somehow.

Buffy folded her hands in her lap. “I’ve been so lonely since I came back,” she whispered, staring at her folded fingers. “You guys have all been here, but being back has been really hard on me. I haven’t been able to pull myself together. I’ve fallen so far, that I did something really bad.”

“To Spike?” Willow asked. “Something other than what you did to his face?”

Buffy nodded and sniffled. “Yeah,” she admitted. “We’ve been together since Dawn’s car accident. We first slept together the night before that. I was so scared that someone was going to find out; I told Spike that we couldn’t be together, but I couldn’t stay away. It kept happening.”

Willow bit her lip at the mention of the car accident that could have killed herself and Dawn. “Buffy, I’m sorry about what happened to Dawn. But what you’re doing isn’t about that,” she said. “You’ve been sleeping with Spike for a while. A month maybe? And you never told anyone. I’m supposed to be your best friend.”

“How can you say that, Willow?” Buffy snapped. “I wasn’t the only one involved with their own life. All you cared about was magic. You took my memories away from me and Spike was the only one I felt like I could turn to. We would have just stayed friends if you and Xander had just left well enough alone.”

“I’m confused. Spike should be happy. Not… grumpy,” Willow replied. “And what does Xander have to do with this?”

“I told Spike a lot of hurtful things that I’d rather keep to myself. I hurt his feelings,” she recalled with shame. “Called him names mostly.”

“But, you’ve always called him names…” Willow interrupted.

Buffy continued, as if she hadn’t heard. “Told him he didn’t love me. I mostly took advantage of how much he loved me, because I knew he would still love me after.”

“Spike let you get away with that much, huh?” Willow asked rhetorically. “And you what, bashed his face in the heat of passion?”

Buffy shook her head. “Spike already told you. I went to the police station to turn myself in for killing Katrina. I really believed I had killed her. Spike tried to stop me. I wouldn’t let him.” Tears slid out of her eyes, but she didn’t care. “I beat him worse than Glory did. He couldn’t move. And… and I left him there for the sun. Not intentionally, but that’s how bad I hurt him.”

Willow thought about what would have happened if Buffy had made it to the police station and confessed for a crime she hadn’t committed. Neither Tara nor Xander, much less, could she have physically stopped her, and she realized reluctantly that Spike had been the only one capable of even trying.

“You’ve really changed, Buffy,” the witch said. “I mean…I’ve seen you hit people before. And you’ve told me stories about hitting people, but this? This is abuse Buffy. Think about it, Buffy. If you told us Spike was abusing you think of how angry we would be. It goes both ways. You can’t…what you’re doing is bad. Maybe you need some help.”

“No, I don’t need help, Willow,” Buffy stressed, staring at her friend. “I need a friend. No one else has been much of one lately. Spike has. I’m sorry if that hurt your feelings, Willow, but it’s the truth. I ruined what friendship Spike and I had started to have, and I’m going to fix it. Then things will be fine.” I hope they will anyways, she thought.

“I hurt him so bad,” she whimpered. “I never wanted to do that. I didn’t. I hated myself for feeling for him. I hated everyone for what happened to me, but those things weren’t his fault. I still took it out on him.”

“He says he loves you,” the witch said, cautiously. She still didn’t believe vampires could love. Giles had always told them that. Angel could only love because he had a soul, right? It did hurt her feelings that Buffy had not come to her. Buffy had ‘hated’ her for bringing her back?

“And, I took advantage of that,” Buffy said, looking at her friend with puffy eyes. “He said we could work through everything that’s happened with us, but he doesn’t trust me. Which, I get that, I do. But, after all this gets sorted out, he may not want to be with me.” That thought made her stomach hurt. She couldn’t imagine life without Spike. After all these years of trying to get rid of him, she never actually thought about him leaving.

“Did he say that?”

“Kind of,” she replied. “He wants to believe that I want to work things out and start over, but I’m going to have to prove to him that I’m serious.”

“Are you?” Willow asked. “Do you really want to be with him? Or do you think you should just end it and move on.” She really hoped Buffy wanted to move on.

Buffy looked away from her friend and nodded. “I want to be with him,” she said. “I want him to trust me again. I promised him I would never abuse him again. I’m going to have to prove that.” She turned back to look at Willow. “And you’re not going to convince me otherwise.”

“Buffy,” Willow said, turning toward her friend. “I’m your best friend. At least, I’d like to think that I am still your best friend. The thought of you being with Spike worries me, and I can’t say that it doesn’t. I don’t think this is a good idea. You lied to us, all of us. That is not okay with me.”

“You didn’t give me any choice,” Buffy bitterly replied, moving away from Willow. “You were all so happy when I came back, and then when you found out I was in heaven, look at what you did. You tried to take away my memory of where I’d been. You and Xander, with your spells. Spike was my friend, Willow. Then, that stupid singing demon made us kiss. Then, we kissed after we got our memories back. We were fine. I was working through life until magic got involved and ruined my chance with the only man who never did anything to me.”

“You can’t blame what you did to Spike on us,” Willow flared, getting off the couch. “You did that all on your own.”

“I wouldn’t have hurt Spike, if I was just left alone,” Buffy said. “And, I don’t blame anyone but myself for the way I hurt Spike. I blame you for what you did. You messed with magic, Willow, when Tara begged you not to. And, where is she? She left because magic was more important to you than her.”

“That isn’t true,” Willow said in a hurt voice.

“Really? How come Tara is the only one that understood what I was going through then?” She paused. “Oh, I forgot. You didn’t know that Tara was helping me with my ‘Spike problem.’”

“Tara knew?” Willow whispered.

“Yeah,” Buffy admitted. “I had to tell her. But see, she doesn’t judge me. She knows what I’m feeling where Spike is concerned, because she wants me to do whatever makes me happy. And Spike makes me happy. I kept him a secret to please everyone else, because I knew that you wouldn’t approve.”

“You could have trusted us, Buffy,” Willow said. “We would have understood.”

“No, you wouldn’t have. But that doesn’t matter. Spike is going to be in my life, and I am going to work things out with him. Whether we are involved as friends or more, he is going to be around.”

Willow crossed her arms. “I wish you would have talked to me before you were sleeping with Spike,” she said.

“You didn’t give me any indication that I was allowed to talk to you about anything,” Buffy said. “Things are complicated, and I don’t want to fight with you. I need to find out where Dawn went and talk to her. She needs me.”

“She didn’t sound too good when she left. Maybe you should go find her. I’ll go if you want.”

“I don’t want you to go if you’re going to lecture me some more,” the Slayer said. “You and Xander are going to have to deal with Spike and me. I get that you’re mad that I lied, but that’s not a reason to be against me and Spike.”

“I won’t lecture you,” Willow promised. “But you shouldn’t have lied, and I’m not okay with that. But I want to find Dawn. When she is okay, we are going to talk some more.”

“And you shouldn’t have done those spells, so maybe we’re even with what we should and shouldn’t have done. We should go to the magic shop,” she said. “Xander will probably be there, and I’ll have to talk to him before Dawn gets to him.”

“Let’s go,” Willow said, heading toward the door.

“I’m just going tell Spike where we are going,” Buffy said, running upstairs. She paused outside the bathroom door and heard water running. “Spike?” She called, knocking, then peeking inside. He didn’t hear her. “Spike?” She tried again.

His head came out from behind the curtain. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Nothing,” Buffy said, hurriedly. “Willow and I are going to the Magic Box to see if we can find Dawn. And I’m going to talk to Xander.”

“Okay,” Spike said. “Be careful.”

“Always,” Buffy answered, and was about to leave. “Oh, Spike?”

Spike peeked out from behind the curtain. “I think you’re just nosey,” he teased.

Buffy offered him a smile. “I just wanted to tell you that you could sleep in my bed if you wanted, and there’s blood downstairs,” she said. “I found some in the fridge. You can make yourself at home.”

“Thanks, Pet,” he said, smiling at her. “Now, go find the Nibblet.”

“Bye,” Buffy said, closing the door and going downstairs to join Willow.

Dawn crossed her arms as she headed to the magic shop. If she was lucky, Xander would be there, but she could live without telling him right now. She had to find a way to get back at Buffy. Buffy deserved whatever she got. It wasn’t fair that Buffy had come between her and Spike, then treated him like she had.

The bell tinkled as Dawn walked into the shop. Anya looked up at her but didn’t say anything. Good. Dawn didn’t want to be bothered. She looked around the shop before heading over to the bookcase. She discreetly nosed through the bindings before she saw one that caught her eye. White Spells: Magic for Love and Happiness.

She peeked over at Anya, who was helping a customer, before sliding the brown leather book into her jean jacket. It was a small book and fit in the inside front pocket easily. After getting what she came for, she left the shop quickly.

She didn’t want to run into Buffy on her way home, so she took the long way back to Revello drive. She had nothing to say to her sister. She didn’t want to have the talk right now. She couldn’t stand to talk to her sister. But everything was going to be fine very soon.

On her way home she stopped to gather the ingredients, after picking out her spell, but there was one that she couldn’t find. There was a lithium quartz crystal that she needed, and she knew Spike had one. She rushed to his crypt, knowing Spike wouldn’t be there, so she would be safe. She could do the spell and clean up before anyone knew anything and she could go home.

She closed the door behind her and headed downstairs. She found the crystal in the trunk in the corner of his crypt, and she set up the spell on the other side of the bed. She sat in the circle of yellow, smelly powder and turned to the page that she needed. Problems Silenced. She chanted the spell and she had a little trouble pronouncing the words, but she didn’t think that would matter, and when she finished there was a crackle of energy and a purple flash of light came out of the circle.

Dawn panted slightly and she wobbled as she got to her feet, but she smiled. Everything should be fine now. The problems should have gone away and everything was back to normal. She cleaned everything up and put Spike’s crystal back. She dumped the rest of the ingredients in a garbage can outside of Spike’s crypt and she pocketed the book before heading home.
***

Buffy could feel the tension rolling off Willow as they headed to the Magic Shop. Buffy wanted to stay home and talk to Spike more, but she couldn’t risk something happening to Dawn. She wanted to say something to Willow as well, but she didn’t know what. She wasn’t going to let anyone tell her what to do anymore. She just wasn’t sure how she was going to tell everyone that she wanted to be with Spike.

The entered the magic shop where Anya was now dusting. “Hi Anya,” Buffy said. “Have you seen Dawn?” If Dawn wasn’t here, she didn’t know where else to look. She would have to wait until sunset to get Spike to help her, if he would.

“She was here not that long ago,” Anya said. “She wasn’t here for long, but she looked upset. Came in, went to the back of the shop and left.”

Buffy sighed and sat at the table. “I did not expect her to be like this,” she whispered. She thought Dawn would be happy that she and Spike were together. She didn’t count on Dawn resenting her for taking him away from her. She didn’t even think about that. She really hadn’t thought about anyone while she was fooling around with Spike. Of course she didn’t think of anything while she was with Spike. She was just feeling.

“What happened?” Anya asked.

Willow looked at the girl. “Buffy’s having sex with Spike and Dawn didn’t take it well.” Buffy heard the bitterness out of her voice, and almost winced. She knew Willow wouldn’t be able to be on her side over this especially since Buffy kept it from her so called best friend.

Anya giggled. “Good on you, Buffy.”

Buffy looked at the ex-demon with wide eyes. “Excuse me?” she asked in shock. Anya’s eyes twinkled in amusement and Buffy couldn’t understand that. Anya approved? What about Xander? She knew Xander wouldn’t go for that and he would resent Anya for being on her side.

“I’ve just been waiting for you to actually come at say that Spike gives you orgasms,” Anya said.

“You knew?” Both girls asked.

“It was hard not to,” Anya said. “You mean you didn’t notice the difference in Buffy? She was glowing sometimes. So she was happy. What’s the big deal?”

“It’s Spike,” Willow said. “He’s tried to kill us so many times.”

Anya raised an eyebrow. “For the past year or so, he seemed more interested in Buffy then killing anyone,” she said, putting her duster down.

Buffy folded her arms over her chest. “But he’s a vampire,” she mumbled. “It doesn’t matter anyway. He wants to be left alone.” She let out a soft breath. He deserved to be left alone. After what she had done to him, she deserved whatever treatment he gave her. She just hoped that he would forgive her soon and she could make it up to him.

Willow rolled her eyes. “Buffy, he’s a vampire,” she repeated.

“I don’t care!” Buffy screamed, glaring at her friend. “I care about him, Willow. There’s nothing you can do or say to change that.” She held her stomach as it knotted up. “Anya, if you see Dawn, can you just ask her to call home.” She chewed on her lip as she left the shop. She really needed Spike right now, but she couldn’t push. What should she do now?

She headed home, hoping to see Dawn on the way, but no such luck. She closed her front door wearily, and rubbed her face. She was tired. She went towards the stairs, but paused because the T.V. was on in the living room. She saw Spike on the couch and she met his eyes. “I guess Dawn’s not here huh?” She asked.

Spike shook his head and took in her appearance. “You look tired,” he said. “You okay?” She knew she had dark circles under her eyes, and that she looked like crap. More so then she usually did nowadays.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something but closed it. “I’m fine,” she said, putting on a fake smile. “If Dawn comes home, let me know.” She turned on her heel and trudged up the stairs. She wiped a lone tear that escaped from her eye and made her way to her room. Who knew that it would be this hard to stay away from Spike? She had always told him she couldn’t stand to be near him, but she knew she had been lying to herself. Feeling like her bones were made of lead, she dropped her tired body on top of the covers. She almost wished Spike wasn’t here. Having him here was making it all the more harder for her to deal with.

She looked up as she heard someone on the stairs. Spike appeared in her doorway, and he raised an eyebrow as he leaned against the doorjamb. “Buffy?” He was breaking his own rules by coming up here, but she didn’t know what that meant.

“I’m fine,” she repeated. “Just want to lie down.” She was quickly learning how Spike felt every time she walked away from him. It was not fun to be alone. Right now, that’s what she wanted. Just to be alone. She knew Spike was just up here to make sure she was okay. He was still pissed at her, and he would be for quite some time. But she couldn’t deal with that right now. She could deal with him being mad at her, but not right now.

He raised an eyebrow and approached her. “Buffy,” he said, softly. He sat next to her on the bed. “What happened?”

She sniffled and looked up at him. “You’re making this hard on me,” she said. “You wanted me to leave you alone, and I’m trying.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and shuddered slightly. The tingles that she got whenever he was near started on the back of her neck were already spreading over her skin. Her body was already calling for his. Stupid body.

Spike went to reach for her but she pulled back. “Buffy, I’m just worried,” he said, in a quiet voice. “And I didn’t say that you had to leave me alone. But you really hurt me and I just needed to figure things out for myself.”

“Well don’t be worried,” she grumbled, before she started coughing. She felt like she was being suffocated as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Blue smoke filtered into her room and her eyes widened as the smoke slithered into her mouth. Spike was trying to talk to her as she grabbed at him for support, but apparently he couldn’t see the smoke. She finally stopped coughing and rubbed her watery eyes.

“You okay?” Spike asked, his hand gently resting on her back.

She nodded. “I’m fine,” she said. Or at least she thought she said. She tried again, but no words came out. She pushed Spike out of her way and she ran into the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror and watched herself as she tried to talk, but no words came out. Not again!

Spike joined her in the bathroom with concern. “What’s wrong, Buffy?” He asked.

She looked at him and rubbed her throat, trying to convey to him that she couldn’t speak. This was the worst time for her lose her voice. How was she going to fix things with Dawn or Spike if she couldn’t talk? Great. This was just what she needed. She wouldn’t even be able to tell her friends to get lost when they pissed her off. She would have to suffer through the arguments that she knew would be coming with out a peep.

“You can’t talk?” he asked and she nodded. “How did that happen?” He held up his hand. “Don’t answer that. Come on pet,” he said, grabbing her hand gently. “Let’s call the witch.” Not like she could answer any questions he asked her.

Buffy followed him down stairs and sat on the couch while Spike went into the kitchen to call Willow. She could almost hear him start to yell into the phone, but he never did. He came back into the living room and joined her on the couch. He slid his arm around the back of her shoulders and kissed her temple. “We’ll figure this out Buffy,” he said, softly. “Red and Demon girl are on their way over now.”

Her body had tensed and relaxed quickly when his arm had gone around her. If he was offering it, was she supposed to take his comfort? She leaned into him a little but kept her eyes on the carpet under her feet. She couldn’t say anything, just sit here with him. She could see everything falling apart already. Without her voice, she couldn’t tell him how much he meant to her or what she was feeling, and she sure has hell didn’t know how to show him with the rules he had set.

“Buffy,” he said, softly, turning her head toward his. “It’ll be alright.”

She rolled her eyes. It was not going to be alright. Not if she had no voice. Didn’t he remember what that felt like? It was hard not to have a voice, and with everything she was going through with him, it was going to get worse. She got off the couch and went to the kitchen to dig in the drawers. She found what she was looking for when she pulled out the wash board and marker from the first time she had lost her voice. She went back to the living room and sat next to him before she began to write down what she felt she needed to say.

‘Spike, without my voice, nothing is going to get fixed.’ She held up the board for him to see with a raised eyebrow.

“Red will fix it,” he answered, meeting her eyes. “And we can continue to work things out.” He reached out to cup her cheek but the door banging open startled them both.

Buffy stood up as Dawn came into view. She tried to say her sister’s name right off the bat forgetting she had no voice. She looked over as Spike came to stand next to her. “Buffy lost her voice,” he said, crossing his arms.

“What?” Dawn asked, mirroring Spike’s pose, with a tilt of her hip. “How did that happen?”

Spike glanced at Buffy who was staring at the floor. “We don’t know,” he answered. “The witches are on their way over to figure out what happened. You okay?”

Buffy wanted to talk to Dawn desperately. She wanted to explain to her what had been going on, but she couldn’t right now. She reached out to touch Dawn’s arm, but Dawn flinched away from her. “Just because you lost your voice doesn’t mean I’m going to forget what you did,” Dawn said, shooting daggers at Buffy. “As far as I’m concerned, you deserved what you got.” With that, the teenager turned on her heel and went upstairs.

“Buffy,” Spike said, moving into her line of vision. “I’ll talk to her. Make her understand.”

How would he do that? Buffy wondered as she watched his form slink up the stairs. No one would be able to make Dawn understand and she knew it. Her sister hated her for taking Spike away from her. And right now, it would very hard to fix. With everyone.
***

A week later, Buffy’s voice still hadn’t returned, but Tara had determined that it was a spell. Even more so, things between herself and Spike had gotten considerably more difficult. He wanted to help her through what she was going through, but it was hard on her. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and hide, and Spike seemed to want to do that with her. But they hadn’t worked things out. It was impossible to when she had no voice.

Spike was staying with them, just to make sure everything was okay. He was staying in her mom’s old room after a fight with Willow and Xander had resulted in Willow moving out. That was a day that Buffy couldn’t believe. She couldn’t even put in her two cents for the fight, and all her friends did was criticize her about how big of a mistake she was making. Spike had come to her rescue however and told them that what she wanted out of life was her choice. If she wanted to be with him then they would have to get over it. But then he told them that they weren’t together anymore so they could relax. It felt like a knife to the heart that she couldn’t explain to them in front of Spike that she wanted to be with him. All she had been able to do was grab his hand in front of her friends as she wrote down on her board that she wanted to work things out with Spike.

Willow and Xander had continued their lecture and Buffy had all but lost her mind. She wrote down on her wash board for Willow to move out and she wasn’t joking. Since then she had given Willow the cold shoulder.

Dawn was still not speaking to her, but Buffy felt like something was wrong with sister. Something was off. What hurt even more was Spike and Dawn had seemed to be rebuilding their relationship. They spent time together and they talked a lot more then Buffy ever did with either of them. She felt very left out.

Now, she was standing in the kitchen doing dishes and Spike was upstairs helping Dawn with her homework. She wasn’t surprised. That was like a routine most nights. She finished her last dish and placed it in the drain before drying her pruney hands. She almost felt like crying as she headed upstairs for a shower. On her way to her room she crashed into Spike.

“Sorry Pet,” he said, helping her to her feet. “You okay?”

Buffy stared at his hand where it was stroking her arm. What was he trying to do to her? She nodded in response to his question as she looked up to meet his eyes. She really wished she had her voice, because her wash board was in her room. Their bodies were so close that Buffy could feel desire swirling in her blood. Why did he keep doing this to her?

“You sure?” he whispered, moving closer to her. “Should have been paying attention to where I was going.”

Buffy mouthed the word yeah as her eyes darted around. Her heart was racing, and she felt a blush creep up her cheeks. She thought he was going to kiss her, but he didn’t. He gave her a sexy smile and moved around her to head downstairs. She shuddered and went to her room to gather things to take a shower. She really needed one now.

After a hot shower, she went back to her room and pulled out her sign language book. She wasn’t sure if Tara would ever be able to break the spell and to be honest, Buffy was terrified of never getting her voice back. Her stomach rumbled as she ran through the alphabet, and she picked up her book to take it downstairs to the kitchen.

She set it on the counter, open to the page she had left off on, and opened the fridge. What to eat, what to eat, she said to herself. She shut the fridge only to open the freezer. She smiled and pulled out the carton of chunky monkey ice cream. She grabbed a spoon before sitting back down to study. She hadn’t been looking at the page and practicing her signs for more then five minutes when she noticed Spike standing next to her.

“Pet?” He asked softly, as he sat next to her. “What are you doing?” He peered over to stare at the page and then he looked at her. “You’re going to get your voice back.”

She looked at him with a cocked eyebrow. How did he know that? She picked up the pen and paper from the counter and placed it in between them so he could read while she wrote. ‘What if I don’t?’

“I’ll love you anyway,” he said, softly.

Spike hadn’t said that to her since their fight and it was enough to make her heart lurch. Her eyes met his and she could almost feel as if they had made a breakthrough. She went back to the pad. ‘Well if it’s permanent, then I need to adapt.’ She hadn’t gone on patrol since she lost her voice, only because Spike had said that since they didn’t know the after effects of the spell it wouldn’t be safe.

“Buffy,” Spike said, in that voice that she knew he was going to try to talk her out of it. He turned her on the stool and cupped her face. “We will fix this and you will be back to normal.”

She turned her head slightly to write on the pad, ‘But we won’t.’ She could feel a lump forming in her throat as she wrote that, but she continued. ‘I don’t know how fix the mess I’ve made without my voice. I don’t know how to show you.’

He turned her face back toward his and stroked her cheeks. “You had to know that it was going to be difficult even with your voice,” he said. “And I think we’ve already made some good steps. You’re friends got your message right?”

‘But you’re not touching rule makes it even worse,’ she wrote. And he kept breaking it. They didn’t have any real sexual touches, but that was what was making it harder. He was giving her little touches, tender touches that she had never allowed before. And she felt like she would be breaking the rules or she would scare him off if she broke the rules like he did.

Spike dropped his hands and sighed. “I’m sorry, Buffy. I’m probably confusing you right now,” he said, as he stood up. “I wanted some space from what was going on with us to try and figure out what I wanted out of life or unlife. But I’ve been thinking. You and Dawn are fine, and I think it would be best if I went back to my crypt.”

Buffy shook her head vehemently as she stood up. She grabbed his arm with a firm grip as she shook her head no. She pulled him back over to the counter so she could write on the pad. ‘I like having you here. And I want you to be happy. I want to be that one to make you happy.’

“Oh love,” he said, sadly. “I get that. I do. But I can’t go back to what we were before. If we are going to have a solid relationship, a real relationship, then we have to trust each other. If we don’t have that, it’ll never work. It’ll never be different.”

‘I can’t show you that things are different if you keep me at an arm’s length’ she wrote before putting the pen down. She knew he needed space, but how long would this go on? Did he want to be with her or not? She’d rather him tell her right now that she had messed up so badly that it was beyond repair then give her false hope. She sighed and bit her lip before picking up the pen. ‘Want to go to the movies or something? At least to see how it goes?’

Spike smiled and reached out to cover her hand. “I think that would be okay,” he said. “And if it helps, I do miss you.”

And she was right here. That sucked. But at the same time, he said they could go out on a date kind of thing. She smiled up at him before taking her book and her ice cream to her room. She sat on her bed with a goofy grin on her face. But how could she take the next step with him? She had to figure out how to make it a good date for the both of them without pushing him too far.
***

The date for the movies had finally come and Buffy had butterflies in her stomach. Spike had asked her what day she thought she’d like to go out and they had decided on a Friday. The entire week before their date, Buffy had been going crazy. She didn’t know what they were supposed to do with each other or more importantly what to wear. She didn’t want to wear something that looked like she was desperate.

There were clothes all over her room and she stood in the middle trying to decide. Finally she decided on a pair of pale blue jeans. But that was it so far. She changed into them and looked at herself in the mirror. They were low rise and showed off her legs very nicely. And now for a top. She had so many shirts it wasn’t funny. She crouched down to dig through a pile and found the perfect one. It was black, sheer georgette top with sparkly beads trimming the V-neck and ruche shoulders with fluttery short sleeves. She smiled happily as she slid it on over her black bra. It was perfect. She pulled out her black pumps and slid them on her feet. She applied a little make up and pulled her hair back into a barrette. She thought she looked good for a casual date to the movies.

Heading downstairs, she tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach. She kept playing with the sliver bracelet on her wrist as she came all the way down to where Spike was waiting for her by the door. He had on his blue button down shirt over his black t shirt but it was buttoned up. He had traded in his tight jeans for some black trousers, and Buffy couldn’t help but notice how good he looked.

She smiled at him as she came up to him and he helped her put on her short leather jacket. “You look beautiful Buffy,” he said in her ear as he slid the smooth leather over her shoulder.

Her heart did a flip as he opened the door for her and she heard the jingle of the keys in his hand. That meant she didn’t have to walk in these shoes, thank the lord. She felt like an uninterested girlfriend, being unable to talk to him properly as he opened the door to the jeep. He was being such a gentleman if he was going to be like this all night; he was going to make her fall for him even more. And she couldn’t even tell him that. She didn’t want to write on a piece of paper that she had stronger feelings for him then he realized. She wanted to tell him herself, so she hoped she got her voice back as soon as possible.

Spike pulled into the movies and when she got out of the jeep, he grabbed her hand. She looked up at him with questioning eyes and he smiled back at her. He didn’t say anything about it, just asked her what movie she wanted to see. She stood with him at the movie posters before she pointed to the one she wanted. She had thought about what movie they were going to see before, and she wanted it to be something that he could enjoy as well. She squeezed his hand as he paid for their tickets as she headed over to look at the consestion stand. She was hungry.

He joined her a few seconds after, slipping his arm around her waist. “Usual Coke, Pet?” He asked and she nodded. That was so sweet that he knew that. She pointed inside the candy case at some skittles with a smile. He paid the woman then handed her the soda and her candy as he picked up his own soda. He took rested his hand on her back as they went to their theatre.

Buffy lead them to the middle so they had a perfect view of the screen and she seated herself in the fold down chair. She hadn’t been to the movies in so long, and being here with Spike meant so much to her. Her heart was pounding in her ears as his arm went around the back of her seat. He wanted to be close to her and she thought that was a step in the right direction. The lights dimmed and the credits started to roll so she opened her skittles. She giggled silently when his fingers went inside her candy bag. He was definitely a silly vampire, but she was okay with that. The movie itself began to start, and she tried to focus, but she knew it would be hard. Especially since his hand had started slight caresses on her shoulder shortly into the movie. She would have to find out what his intentions were before things got out of hand again.

*

The movie had gone smoothly, and the car ride home had been made in comfortable silence. Spike opened the door for her, like he had all night, and gripped her hand as they walked up to the front porch. Before they went in he stopped and turned her toward him, and she thought he was going to kiss her.

“Buffy,” he said softly. “I know you said that I was making things hard for you by breaking my own rules, but I wanted you to know that it was okay.”

Buffy thought that her heart would burst as a smile came across her face. Was that permission? She shifted closer to him and she leaned forward to kiss him. However, what she got was unexpected.

Spike placed his finger over her lips. “Buffy,” he said. “I didn’t mean…” He sighed and backed off. “Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Her smile faded instantly as she swallowed past the lump in her throat. She opened the door and went inside, leaving it open for him to come in. She headed upstairs, taking off her shoes on the way. She got her room and threw them in the corner before going to the bathroom and locking the door. She slid to the floor as tears welled in her eyes. They had a beautiful night together, just doing something normal for once, and it had been ruined. In the back of her mind she should have let him explain himself downstairs, but the rejection she had felt had just about killed her. Why could they ever get anything right? Maybe she hadn’t… maybe she still hadn’t shown him that things were different. She needed her voice back.

Spike felt like a right idiot after his date with Buffy had been shot to hell. He didn’t know what he had been thinking, going on a date with her. Neither of them had been ready to take that next step. He wasn’t, that was for sure. She seemed to think that she could kiss him now, but he didn’t know when that had been okay. The look of pain on her face had been like a knife to his heart and he wanted to explain himself but that hadn’t worked.

After Buffy had stormed away from him on the porch, he had locked up and gone upstairs, hoping to talk to her. He had sensed her in the bathroom; he had smelled her tears. He stood outside the door for some time, listening to her sniffles, and every time he had raised his hand to knock on the white wood, he had changed his mind. Finally he just left her alone and gone to his room.

That was two nights ago.

And since then, Buffy hadn’t looked at him. Every attempt he had made to talk to her, hadn’t worked. She didn’t write him any notes or even give him a shake of her head. When he asked her a question or said anything to her, she ignored him and finished what she was doing before leaving the room. Spike thought he was going to pull out his hair because of the two girls, since Dawn was a whole different story.

Something was up with that girl. He could feel it. She had done something that she shouldn’t have, and whenever he was around her he could feel that she had been into something, the vibes coming off of her were scarey. Every time he had asked her, she would get defensive and it would end up with the two of them having a small argument. Dawn would yell, have a teenage fit and run upstairs, and the next morning everything would be fine. He called Tara and asked her to come over and help him figure out what to do with the girls and to see if there was anything she could do regarding the spell on Buffy.

When she finally arrived, he was more than happy to see her. “Hey, Glinda,” he said, when he opened the door.

“Hi Spike,” she said, sweetly. “Girl troubles?”

“You have no idea,” he grumbled. “It’s both of them.” He made his way over to the couch, running frustrated hands through his curly hair. “Need to break the spell on Buffy somehow.” She needed her voice back. He could handle her screaming at him, but without her voice, he felt there was a barrier between them and it was killing him. They couldn’t communicate their problems together if she had no voice.

“Oh, I brought some new stuff that should help,” Tara said. “I can trace the origin of the spell. Should lead us to the person who cast the spell. Where is Buffy?”

He shrugged. “She left this morning,” he said, glancing at the clock. “I don’t know where she went or when she’ll be back. Do you need her?” She should have been back by now, and he was a little worried. He was looking for every excuse to go find her, and it looked like he had one now.

“I’m not sure,” she answered. “I haven’t tried this yet.”

“I’ll go find her, in case,” he said, standing up. “If it does work and we break the spell, she should be here. Don’t want to freak her out.” Not to mention that there could be side effects and he wanted her to be safe. But it would a lot more difficult to bring her home than just asking her. He knew how mad she was at him, and he still didn’t know how he was going to fix that.

“Spike?” Tara asked as he slid on his jacket at the door. “Something wrong?”

He sighed. “Buffy and I… aren’t seeing eye to eye on things right now,” he said. “She’s pretty upset with me.” And the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to make sense that she had a right to be. It was half his fault. He hadn’t been very consistent with the rules he had set, nor had he been very clear. “I’m going to find her.” He smiled at Tara before leaving to find his slayer.

His first stop had been the magic shop, but only Anya was there. When he asked her if she had seen Buffy, the answer he got was horrifying: Buffy came to work out before she headed out on patrol. He nearly lost his mind. She couldn’t patrol alone. Usually he picked up patrols, not wanting to put her in danger without knowing what was going to happen with all these spells. After leaving the shop, he found her in one of her favorite cemeteries where she was sitting on a stone bench with a stake in her hand. At least she was prepared. He approached her carefully and sat next to her. “Hey,” he said, softly.

She kept up her usual routine and didn’t look at him or acknowledge his presence. He deserved that, but she had to come home.

“Buffy, Tara is going to lift the spell. You should come home.” His eyes widened as she rolled her own and walked away from him. “Buffy!” he exclaimed, running after her and grabbing her arm. This wasn’t going the way he wanted it to. “I’m sorry about the other night. I didn’t… I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

She looked like she was about to burst into tears, and he didn’t know what to do. She ducked her head and stared at the ground beneath their shoes. He knew this was hard with everything that had happened, not to mention all at one time, and he wanted to make it better for her, but he just didn’t know how. He was about to say something else to her when she started coughing. His brows drew together as he guided her back over to the bench where they were sitting as blue smoke swirled around her. He hoped this was Tara’s doing. “Buffy?” he asked once the smoke was gone.

“Guess it worked,” she mumbled, shrugging his hand off of her shoulder.

“Thank god,” he said, full of relief. Now they could talk and get things worked out. “We should talk about the other night.” He regretted the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. He should have waited until they were home before pouncing on her.

“No we shouldn’t,” she said, glaring at him. “You said everything that needed to be said.” She got to her feet and stared down at him. “If you weren’t going to give me a second chance, Spike, you should have stayed away. You led me on. I thought you were forgiving me and we were going to move on. And you pretty much ripped out my heart. But you know what, it’s okay, I’ve done that to you plenty of times. Just didn’t expect it from you.” She turned on her heel and left the cemetery.

Spike stared at her retreating back, feeling like his whole world had stopped on its axis. He sighed and headed after her. This wasn’t over.

***

Buffy wiped a stray tear that slid down her cheek. Her heart was killing her. How could he do that to her? She thought he was finally giving her a chance, and she had been wrong. It wasn’t meant to be. She slammed the door behind her once she was inside and she saw Tara in the living room. “Hi Tara,” she said, softly.

Tara gave her a small smile and came over to her. “It worked,” she said. “You okay?”

The dam broke as Buffy burst into tears. She buried her face in her hands as she sobbed. She missed Spike so badly and she knew that he would never forgive her. She just couldn’t believe it had taken her this long to figure out her feelings. Feelings that he didn’t seem to care about. She vaguely felt Tara put her arms around her shaking body.

The witch guided the shaken slayer to the couch and sat down with her. “What happened, Sweetie?” she asked, gently.

Buffy hiccupped and sniffled as she pulled away. She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. “Nothing,” she whispered. “Just had a rough night.” She couldn’t bring herself to tell Tara that she and Spike were officially over. And he had made more than sure of that.

Tara sighed and was about to say something when the door opened and Spike came in. “I’m glad you’re both here. We have to talk,” she said. She motioned for Spike to come over and join them, but he just leaned in the door way. “Dawn is the one that did the spell.”

Buffy’s head came up. “What?” she asked. “Why would she do that?” Dawn did this to her? For what reason? Payback? She got up from the couch and moved around the living room, never even looking at Spike as thoughts ran a fury in her head.

“She doesn’t know that I know,” Tara said. “I didn’t know how you guys wanted to handle it.”

“Thanks, Glinda,” Spike said.

After Tara had left, Spike and Buffy were left alone in the living room. He bit his lip and took a step toward her. “Buffy,” he said, softly. “Please let me explain, luv.”

Buffy shook her head. “It’s okay,” she said, looking up at him. “This was a mistake; I was stupid to think anything else.” She moved around him, intent on going to confront Dawn. Her sister was in such trouble after this stunt. Nothing would make this okay. Everything that she had worked so hard to rebuild with Spike had been destroyed.

Spike grabbed her arm and spun her back around to his body before pressing his lips against hers. He cradled her cheeks in his hands as his lips pulled at hers softly.

Shock didn’t even describe Buffy’s initial response, but slowly she relaxed against him. After a few moments she pulled away. “Wha-?” she asked, her breathing slightly labored. “Why did you do that?”

“Because I love you,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against hers. “And I’m sorry about what I did the other night. I really am, Buffy. I didn’t want to hurt you. I just… I didn’t think we were ready.” When she tried to pull out of his arms, he held her closer to him. “Don’t do that. I know I hurt you Buffy and that I confused you, but I’m sorry.”

She nodded but she didn’t seem like she was really listening. “Let’s go talk to Dawn,” she said. Her lips were tingling from that kiss and every cell in her body was straining toward him. She hated feeling like this. She didn’t want to need anyone, but she needed Spike. But for now, she wanted to be mad. She had a right to be mad and she didn’t want him to erase that with one simple kiss. It wasn’t fair.

“Can we talk about us later?” He asked gently. “I want us to work this out.”

She shuddered and for a moment she didn’t answer. “Okay,” she said, softly. “Can I… would you mind if I talked to Dawn alone?” Dawn seemed to be out to get revenge on her for god knows what, but she had to deal with it alone. She felt that if Spike came with her, she would end up letting Spike take care of it and that wouldn’t be right.

“Yeah,” he said, kissing her forehead. “Sounds like a good idea.” He squeezed her hand softly before releasing her. “You know where I am if you need me.”

“Thanks,” she said, offering him a small smile before heading upstairs. Her stomach was turning, nervous as hell at confronting her sister. This was silly. But she had to do this. Whatever petty drama Dawn was holding on to was unnecessary. Buffy wrung her hands nervously as she stood outside her sister’s door before knocking. “Dawn?”

“Go away,” snapped her sister from behind the wood.

Buffy bit her lip before taking a deep breath. Turning the knob, she went in. “We have to talk,” she said, closing the door behind her. “Tara reversed the spell, obviously.” Buffy had no idea how to even start this conversation, and Dawn seemed absolutely uninterested in talking to her. Her sister was sitting on her bed, looking at a magazine, her lips pursed tightly.

“Good for you,” Dawn said. “You can go back to ignoring everyone and abusing Spike.”

“Dawn,” Buffy said, angrily. “Spike and I are none of your business. And maybe I wouldn’t ignore you if you weren’t such a brat.” She crossed her arms and sighed. “Look Dawn, I know I’m not exactly the best sister but you aren’t helping me out any.”

“Not like you care.”

“That isn’t true,” Buffy said, taking a step toward the bed. “I love you. But we’re in a very rough spot right now. We could lose our house and you could end up in a foster home. Then what? You want to be taken away?” How did her mom ever put up with all of this? She had no idea how to deal with a teenager, one who was as disturbed as Dawn appeared to be.

“At least I might be with people who want me around,” Dawn said, meeting her sister’s eyes. “Instead of you and Spike who are too worried about yourselves to think about me.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Buffy asked.

Dawn laughed bitterly, throwing her magazine aside. “Are you so blind Buffy?” she asked, getting to her feet. “Spike worships the ground you walk on. He loves you so much. And you treat him like garbage. Whereas I’ve loved him for years and he barely looks at me. Explain to me how that is okay? How you get all his attention and treat him like dirt?”

“I’m sorry, Dawn,” Buffy said, softly and she really was. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Dawn. “I didn’t ask Spike to fall in love with me and I certainly didn’t ask to have feelings for him either, but it happened. That doesn’t give you the right to do what you did though, Dawn. Haven’t there been enough problems with spells? Does it ever solve anything? If you had such a problem, why didn’t you just come to us?”

“What good would it have done?” Dawn asked. “You guys are so absorbed with each other and you just fight all the time. How much are you going to hurt him, Buffy, before he finally leaves us for good?” With that, Dawn pushed past her sister and ran out of her room.