A/N: Before you read this, I suggest you go listen to "A Little Fall of Rain", a song in the musical Les Miserables, which inspired this piece.

A Little Fall of Rain

It wasn’t love at first sight, because such a thing does not exist. It wasn’t even a love that developed after a conversation or two, purely based on attraction and fueled by common interest. In fact, it was so plain a love, that for the five out of the ten years that she had known him, she hadn’t even realized that she was in love with him.

She couldn’t make out a certain point in time when it just seemed to click. No, it was a feeling that developed. It was a slow opening of the curtain, much like the lifting of a bride’s veil on her wedding day.

She didn’t fall in love with him, like love was a hole in the ground she didn’t see coming. It was more like a growth. A development. A beautiful rose peeking through the last frost of winter, hinting the spring that was about to bloom in all its glory.

For most of her life, they were friends. First, they were acquaintances that shared a nod or a smile between the classes in junior high. Then, as they progressed into high school, they became friends. By the time they went to college, they were inseparable. Inseparable best friends.

Sometimes, love works in funny ways. For instance, when she finally got the notice that she was in love with him, he got the notice that he was in love with Drusilla. And Drusilla got the notice that she was in love with him, as well. So it worked out, except for the fact that the short, little blonde in the equation got left out as a remainder. Not a valid part of the answer. An outlier. An oddity with no real importance. A loner. A –






“Okay, you can stop that now! Really not helping with the self-esteem issue,” Buffy called out to nobody in particular. She was currently lying on her back, staring at the rotting ceiling above her, thinking about nothing except how miserable she was and how lonely her life was.

Next to her bed was a nightstand with a photograph that she refused to look at. At least, for the moment. Usually, she loved looking at the photograph. It always reminded her of the closeness she had with Spike before The Bitch came along, planting herself between them like the grand canyon, with Spike on one side and Buffy on the other. And this huge massive cleft in the middle.

The funny thing was that The Bitch was one of the nicest people Buffy knew, albeit one of the creepiest.

She closed her eyes again and the memory of a night a month or so before came rushing back in…








Flashback – The Night A Month Or So Before

They were sitting in one of the many restaurants in Little Italy, laughing and talking as they always did. Drusilla, Spike, Buffy, and Willow – who came on Buffy’s request. The atmosphere was light and cheery, basically anything but romantic.

Spike laughed at something Buffy said, and when Spike laughed, everyone laughed, reinforcing the cheeriness of the room. He turned his eyes on her and as always, Buffy felt herself melting.

“I’d like to make a toast,” Spike announced, raising his champagne glass and grinning easily at the three girls with him.

“Oh no,” Drusilla giggled, and raised her glass as well. Willow and Buffy giggled with her and looked towards Spike, wondering what he was going to say.

“To the best bloody girl in the whole world… Buffy,” he started, and Buffy’s breath got caught in her throat. “I don’t really know what the hell I would do without you. Like the time when I got pissed at that one club and ran out naked as – “

“Stop!” Buffy squeaked, putting her glass down and covering her ears. “Reminiscing stops here!”

“Fine, love,” Spike rolled his eyes a little, then resumed his speech, “What I’d like to say is that for ten years, you have been the woman of my life…” Drusilla raised an eyebrow, but kept her mouth shut as he continued, “… you’ve been there, you’ve seen me at my best, you’ve seen my at my worst, and I can safely say this: You’ve stuck with me, day in, day out. And for that, I’d like to thank you.”

“Here, here,” Willow lifted her glass a little and smiled at Buffy, who just stared at Spike, speechless.

“But then…” he cast Drusilla a small smile, “this other amazing woman came into my life. Drusilla. Someone new and exciting and someone who showed me the other half of this world I had no idea existed.”

Buffy drowned him out. The pain in her heart increased exponentially as he continued her toast, lavishing praise on Drusilla. The person between her and the one she loved.

“… all I know is that I want my best friend with me when I do this…” Spike got up from his chair slowly and suddenly, Buffy stopped living. He slowly got down on his knees in front of Drusilla. No… no, no, no, she prayed and pleaded with God. Drusilla looked shocked and slowly set her half-finished champagne back on the table.

“Drusilla,” Spike spoke reverently, almost in a whisper. Drusilla stared back at him, looking terrified, numb, frightened, and ecstatic all at the same time. “Will you marry me?”

Will you marry me?

William… Spike… will you please look at me and know that I love you more than life? Please don’t say those words to her. Please?

Buffy cried as Drusilla – who was speechless – nodded and Spike slipped a ring onto her finger and kissed her and –

They all just assumed she was overwhelmed with the romance of it all.

But the atmosphere wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t light and cheery anymore, either.

End Flashback








The month had passed with much ado. Preparations, invitations, dress-shopping,… it was all a very big ordeal. In which Drusilla was excited and floating on a cloud and Buffy was heart-broken and dark.

“Enough is enough,” Buffy muttered to herself, and forced herself off the bed and to her closet to put on some decent clothing.

It was time to have a talk with Spike, her best friend. And tell him how she really felt.

The setting's in NYC... i didn't exactly say it in the first chapter, but i hinted it with the Little Italy reference (which is one of the cultural neighborhoods in NYC), not realizing that there could be more than one Little Italy and it wasn't limited to NY. so... just clarifying.

Just a warning... this fiction doesn't have a sappy, happy ending... The ending that i have planned (and am currently writing) is a bit of a surprise, but i think it's rather touching and worth reading.



Chapter Two

It had started drizzling early in the morning and persisted all throughout the day, a dull drone tapping lightly in time to the saddened gray sky. Though it was approaching sunset fast, the air still held onto the sweet, bitter despair of the day, empathizing with Buffy’s conflicting feelings.

The squishing sound of her sneakers against the wet sidewalk blended in with the city noises. Taxi’s honked, tires screeched, vendors half-heartedly solicited business as Buffy tightened her thin coat around her body and wove around the mass of people walking in all directions.

As she turned onto Mallard St., she noticed that the hem of her jeans were soaked. There wasn’t the torrents of people on Mallard; hardly anyone bothered to go down this alley. Buffy preferred the quiet to the busy streets and often took this detour on the way to and from Spike’s apartment.

The closer she got to her destination, the harder her heart tore itself apart. Half of her wanted to leave him alone to be happy with the woman he chose to marry. Half of her refused to accept the fact that he was about to give away his whole heart to a woman that wasn’t her. The latter half argued that the least she could do was to let him know.

Know what?.. Buffy thought miserably. Know that I’m in love with him? Know that I would do anything for him if he asked?

He just needs to know.

She stopped in front of his doorstep.

…………

At the same time, Spike was sitting down on his black, leather couch, staring at the coffee table in front of him. He had gotten home from work, thrown his bags aside, then promptly sat down to stare and … ponder things. It had been an hour since he first sat and he hadn’t moved an inch.

The first thing he had thought about had been Drusilla. Because those were the thoughts that made him somewhat happy and excited. Drusilla was everything he ever dreamed about in a woman. She was daring, exquisite, saucy, sweet, and could make his heart melt at a flutter of an eyelash. She was his dream girl and he was about to marry her.

The second thing he had thought about had been his future. His future with Drusilla. Spike had never been one to think very far in the future – he was more of the impulsive, do-what-feels-right-at-the-moment kind of bloke. So of course, when he attempted to look towards his future with his fiancé, he saw nothing. No path, no trail, no shining lamp, nothing. Nothing except a big black abyss. Sometimes, seeing a big black abyss made things interesting and enabled him to stay on his toes and kept him wondering what would happen next. Other times, the big black abyss made him nervous.

This was definitely one of those times.

The third thing, and the last thing, he had thought about had been Buffy. His best friend and first love, though she would never know. Throughout high school, he had had a mad crush on her. A crush that had turned into something he thought was love. And the love had carried on throughout college without her ever catching a hint and without him ever giving a clue. It had worked out well because they had both been able to be together and have fun with each other without the awkward nature that relationships often brought about. The only thing was that it had been very unsatisfying.

He knew her deepest secrets, dreams, desires, hopes, fears, and he had loved everything. But he had never been able to extend his arm out past her shoulders, never been able to feel her fully against him, never been able to kiss her. Every night, he had imagined her next to him, and every day, he knew it could never happen. Because she was his best friend and he would do nothing to threaten that. In all cases – at least, the cases he experienced – relationships had never been a good thing in the long run. They would break up and he would never hold the same intimacy with her again. He couldn’t lose that.

Drusilla had entered his life at the nick of time, right before he was about to go crazy. At first, he had vented his sexual frustration on her, but as time went on, he grew to grow fond of her. The fondness turned to affection, the affection turned to love. He loved Drusilla, he was sure of it.

But then why was it that he couldn’t see a future with her? And why was it that whenever he thought of Buffy, he felt a familiar pain in his heart that had stayed dormant for years? And most importantly, why was it that whenever he looked into his future… he saw himself holding a woman who was distinctively not dark-haired, but rather,… blonde.

Before he could answer these questions, the doorbell buzzed and he jumped up to see who it was.

…………

As usual, the moment she saw his face, the sun went up again. At least, it did in her head. His smile warmed her and she felt herself feeling as giddy as if she were a little girl given a lollipop.

“Spike,” she smiled, then reached up to hug him, tightly. His arms circled her waist and he held her closely to him, gently rocking her.

“Buffy,” he grinned into her hair and squeezed her hard before letting her go. “What are you doing here?”

“Just seeing how you were,” she entered passed the doorway and made her way towards the kitchen. She was as familiar with his apartment as she was her own. He followed her and stared as she opened his refrigerator to take out the carton of milk.

She continued talking as she made herself a chocolate cookies and milk snack. “How are you doing? Tomorrow’s the big day… are you excited?”

“Excited,” he repeated before nodding, “Yeah. Nervous as hell, though.”

She looked up and caught his eye for a split second before smiling sadly at him. “Don’t be. You’re everything she could ever ask for.”

“Thanks, pet,” he sighed, crossing his arms over his chest, “But aren’t you supposed to say that sort of thing? You know, play the part of best man, all that rot?”

Buffy shot him a glare and he laughed, shaking his head. She put the milk back into the fridge and proceeded to take a huge chunk off her cookie.

“You’re my best friend, Spike,” she told him as she chewed. “I know you better than you know yourself. And believe me… you’re it.”

“I’m it?”

“Yep,” she swallowed and brushed her mouth off with the back of her hand. He watched her in silence as she finished her cookie and set off on another one.

Finally, he said, “You’re a pig.”

“Hey!” she slapped at him, playfully, “That’s my line! And you know you love it.”

“You’re right. I do.”

“Come on, moron,” Buffy laughed, “Lets go to the living room. I wanna watch a movie.”

…………

Half an hour later, Buffy found herself eating what had to be her twentieth cookie and listening to Spike fret about the upcoming marriage as John Travolta danced to “Go Greased Lightning” on the television.

“I don’t know if I can do this, love,” he sighed, leaning into the soft cushion of the couch.

“Why –“

“Bloody hell, what if this is a mistake… what if we’re really not meant to be together?”

“You’re beginning to sound like a female,” Buffy sighed, trying to fight down the happiness at hearing those words come from his mouth. “On the other hand… maybe you two really aren’t meant to – “

“What if she decides she hates me when we start living together? What if she finds out I’m a pig?”

“I know you’re a pig… and I’m still here! Spike, it’s really not – “

“I don’t think-“ he started again, then glanced her way and smiled. “You have crumbs all over your mouth.”

Buffy absently swatted at her mouth and he shook his head, telling her she didn’t get it.

“Where?” she asked.

For a second, he paused, and in that second, both of their body temperatures rose. They were already so close that she could almost feel his breath on her cheek. The realization of this made her head dizzy. Spike slowly leaned towards her and brought his thumb up to her lips.

To her surprise, his face drew closer to hers and before she knew it, their foreheads were pressed together, their noses were passing each other’s, and their lips were a millimeter apart.

And although her heart was thumping it’s way through a marathon, although her face was warming, although her stomach was melting into the rest of her body and she felt tingly all over, she pulled back slightly.

“Spike,” she whispered. Her forehead was still against his and his hand was cupping the side of her cheek. “We can’t…”

At her words, he jumped back a mile, shocked at his actions.

“Fuck, I’m sorry,” he sputtered. “I had no right to… Buffy, I’m so sorry. And I’m getting married tomorrow. Oh God. I’m such a git, I know. Sorry… you’re probably thinking I’m a bleedin’ idiot and I am. Can we – “

“Spike,” she closed her eyes and said his name sharply. He stopped rambling and stared at her.

This was it…

“Spike, I love you.”

[2/17/07 Author's Note]
This is the original ending to this story where there's a ton of angst and a character death. If you've read this already... go on to Ch. 4 as if this chapter never happened. There will be some rehashes, then it'll veer off in a completely new direction. If you've never read this and don't mind heavy angst, I'd suggest you read this first, then cheer yourself up with the following alternate ending. If you've never read this and absolutely abhor angst, then skip this chapter entirely.





A/N: Okay, Just to be clear on this... there IS a character death in this chapter, so if you don't like fics that have a death, then stop reading and dream up your picture-perfect, fluffy spuffy ending, k?

I'm SORRY I forgot to post up a warning in the very first chapter... things were a little rushed and I was anxious to put it up.

But since I posted up my warning at 6:15am Central Time on August 24th,... I'd really appreciate it if people stop trying to verbally kill me for killing off a character.

The second I finished writing this chapter... i had given thought to discarding it and writing an alternate ending. But as i said, it was inspired by "A Little Fall of Rain", and AT THIS POINT IN TIME... another ending didn't seem appropriate.

Maybe sometime later, I WILL rewrite this with an alternate, spuffy-fluffy ending. But not now.

Once again, I'm sorry for causing you guys oh-so-much grief and hope everyone can get over it and not be so put off as to not read another one of my stories ever again.

Thanks for the people who've supported this story... it means a lot.


Chapter Three


The words didn’t fully register in his mind. He just stared at her, wide-eyed and surprised.

“You – “ he croaked and swallowed fast, “You what?”

“I’m in – I love you.”

She wanted to tell him everything. When she started loving him, what she loved about him, why she loved him, everything about her love for him. It was expanding like a bubble and just waiting to burst out. She wanted to tell him about how she had been loving him for years and how she had been heartbroken when he got with Drusilla.

But all she could do at the moment was sit and wait out his incredulous stare. When it finally hit him, he blinked a few times before finally speaking.

“No,” Spike got up from the coach and backed away from her. “No, Buffy. You don’t love me… you can’t love me. Goddammit, I’m getting married tomorrow! Why are you saying this to me?”

Spike couldn’t believe her. He couldn’t believe himself. He was confused and conflicted. He was amazed and outraged. He was excited and scared and just so fucking crazed. So, naturally, he blew up. And he couldn’t do a thing about it.

“Spike, I’m sorr-“

“You’re sorry!? Bloody – No, Buffy. You don’t come up to me the day before I get married and tell me you love me. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do? Fuck, and you’re my best friend… you – you’re not supposed to love me!” He was holding out his hands now, a gesture telling her to stay away. She hadn’t expected him to go completely crazy. In fact, she had no idea what she was expecting.

But he was not handling the news the way she wanted him to and it was breaking her heart. She stood up as well and Spike took another step back, as if she was about to attack him.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, looking at the floor. “I’m going. I wish you two the best of luck.”

She fled the room before he could open his mouth and stop her.

…………

He stared at the door that had swung shut after she disappeared behind it. Everything around him seem to be crumbling and the dam he had built to contain his feelings for her was starting to collapse. The familiar longing and desire for her flooded back and he bit his lip in his effort to send them away. Far away.

“No,” he whispered to himself and squeezed his eyes shut. “No, you love Drusilla. You will marry her tomorrow and be happy. Have a beautiful sodding life with Dru and Dru-niblets.”

Everything in him told him to stay in his apartment, go to sleep, and wake up the next day to the exciting wedding festivities. It would be the day for celebration, joy, commitment, Drusilla, and the start of a brand new, beautiful life.

And then, everything in him told him to go after the woman who had just left. His best friend. Somehow, he felt that after her declaration, things between them would never be the way they were. No matter what he did.

He didn’t know what love was anymore. Was it the happy, satisfied feeling he had with Drusilla? When he was excited every moment and always wondering how she would surprise him?

Or was it the inconsistencies between comfortable smiles and burning desire he felt with Buffy? Buffy, who knew him inside and out, who he could no longer surprise because she knew him better than he knew himself, as she so often put it. Buffy, the person he knew would always be there to support him, Buffy, the woman who took care of him and cherished him in sickness and in health, Buffy, who was the one thing in his life he always could depend on.

Buffy, who he could grow old with and still love.

In his heart, he knew who he wanted, but in his head… he didn’t know a thing.

So he kept staring at the door, hoping that an answer would fly in and hit him in the head.

………

The moment her foot landed on the sidewalk outside of his apartment, the tears flowed out of her eyes and the sobs shook her entire body. She stood for a few moments, holding onto her gut because the pain was too much to take. It was dark by now and the rain was starting to pound on the ground a little harder than it had during the day.

In her rush to leave Spike’s apartment, she had forgotten to take her coat and now, the rain was soaking through her thin shirt and moistening her skin, sending chills up and down her body. She shivered and wrapped her arms tighter around herself. There was no way she was going to go back, that was for sure.

Buffy never really liked walking around Spike’s neighborhood at night, especially if she was alone. But tonight, she really couldn’t give a damn. Her body was so numb and her heart was already so broken that all she could do was stare straight ahead, not knowing where she was going, as her feet set themselves on autopilot and made their way back home.

The moment she set foot on Mallard street, she knew that it was a mistake. Nobody walked down Mallard street when it was dark. Nobody who was female, alone, and had half a brain.

And if she wasn’t sure whether or not to turn down the street, she sure did when she heard a voice call out from behind her.

“Hey, baby, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?”

The voice was oily smooth and slickly disgusting. She could practically hear the smirk on the man’s face as he laughed.

Hurry… ignore… walk faster.

“Did you hear what I said, lady?” the voice called out again and she made out the thumping of shoes on pavement as he ran to catch up with her.

“Yeah, lady,” another voice called out, this time from her side. She shuddered and wished she was home in bed. The man by her side was close enough for her to see that he wore a black face-mask. The only thing she could make out was a glint in his eyes… and what a cold glint it was.

“Yo, Riley,” the first voice called out to his friend, “I think this bitch thinks she’s too good for us!”

“Does she really!” the man apparently named Riley laughed, then made a sudden movement towards her and stood in her way, making her stop. “Is that right, baby? You think you’re too good for us?”

He started towards her and she took a step back, promptly running into a body behind her.

“Easy there,” the first voice leered in her ear as he raised his hands to grab onto her arms. She gasped and struggled with him, but he pulled her tight against his body. No… “I think she’s excited, what do you think?”

“Right there with you, Lindsey,” Riley nodded, getting so close to Buffy she could smell alcohol tinged on his breath.

“Please…” she whimpered, twisting around, trying to get away. “Don’t do this… let me go…”

“What? Let you go?” Riley mocked, “Where would the fun in that be? I think I like you where you are!”

She yelped as he put his hands on her neck and dragged them slowly over her chest.

“Love the shirt, you little slut,” Riley hissed and Lindsay laughed before licking her neck. “It’s nice and … thin.”

“I’ll scream,” she threatened, trying not to vomit at the feel of the tongue violating her neck and the hands squeezing her breasts.

“Oh, you’ll be screaming, all right,” Lindsay smiled, wickedly. Suddenly, without warning, he turned and threw her against the side-alley wall. She shrieked and felt her head slam against the brick, the pain shocking her body as she fell to the ground.

One of them pounced on her and covered her mouth, as the other violently tore her shirt off her body. Hands were on her, bruising her and hurting her, and her only thought was that she needed Spike. Where was he now? Please… save me…

Her screams were muffled and no matter how hard she fought, they kept her down as they assaulted her body again, and again, and again.

And after they were through, they stuck a knife into her stomach and left her there to die as they looked for more fun – and damage – they could manage in a night.

…………

Spike made his decision. He wasn’t sure what would happen tomorrow, how to tell Drusilla that it wouldn’t work, what anybody would think of him, but at the moment, he really didn’t care.

He grabbed the coat that Buffy had left on the coach and went running out of his door. He had to see her. Had to see her and apologize and let her know how he felt.

Everything would be better once he saw her again. The moment he was out of his apartment, something inside him fluttered. Excitement. Happiness. Fulfillment.

He had to see her now.

…………

As he was walking, he planned what he would say. ’Buffy, I’m sorry for exploding. You just surprised me. The truth of the matter is that…’, he stopped his train of thought, thinking he’d die of embarrassment if he started with something like that.

He had forgotten to bring an umbrella and the rain drops came down heavier with each passing minute. ”Buffy, I love you. I’ve loved you for a long time.”

Sighing, he shook his head. There was no way he could say this without sounding like a complete ponce. Not that it really mattered anyways. Not when it came to Buffy. She knew everything there was to know about him and she still loved him. She loves me, the thought brought a smile to his face.

He was about to pass Mallard street when something stopped him. The sound of whimpering… crying…his name.

“Hello?” his brows furrowed and he hesitated before slowly started down the alley. He knew this wasn’t a good decision. Mallard had a rep, a bad one.

But he heard it again. The soft crying… the sob… the weeping.

“Spike…”

The voice was a little above a whisper and contained so much grief and so much hope, he nearly died on the spot. It was Buffy. He couldn’t see her but he was sure of it.

“Buffy?” His voice rose and he squinted, trying to find her.

“Spike… is that you?” she called out, weakly.

He took a few more steps. Then, what he saw made his stomach lurch and his eyes see red. All he could do was run towards the huddled figure next to a dumpster.

“Buffy! Buffy… what?” He kneeled beside her and immediately shrugged off his leather jacket to wrap around her naked body. She trembled at his touch and flinched when the jacket touched her skin. Spike inhaled sharply, taking in the bruises and cuts on her face that shone pale in the moonlight.

The rain fell harder and washed away some of the dirt that was on her face.

“Who did this to you?” he hissed, feeling as if someone had gutted him. She looked away.

“Don’t look at me,” she whispered. Her hand was clenched around her stomach wound. She had lost a lot of blood and felt weaker every second. She tried to hide it from him so he wouldn’t notice. It was too late. She knew it and fought it and tried to stay strong.

“Buffy, love,” he caressed her face. He couldn’t question her right now. Not when she was so shaken up. “I’ll take you home.”

He tried to help her up but she shook her head, wincing in pain.

“No, Spike,” her voice was small and weak and it was breaking him apart. “Just… hold me.”

He got down next to her and took her in his arms, apologizing when he heard her shudder and gasp in pain when he tried to move her.

“Spike, I love you,” Buffy said. “I’m sorry, but I love you so much.”

“I should be sorry, dammit,” he said in her ear. “I was so scared when you told me… I love you too, Buffy. More than anything in the world. God, what would I do without you?”

She closed her eyes and leaned into him. “Love you… so…”

“Buffy?” he said, sharply, feeling her slip away. He shook her shoulders and the jacket fell from part of her body. That was when he saw it.

The blood trailing down from where her hands were clutching her stomach. Blood that made her skin red and angry.

“No… no…” he tried to move her hands to inspect the wound, but she shook her hand.

“It’s too late,” she said.

“No, I’m getting an ambulance!” he reached into his pockets to feel around for his cell phone, but in his rush to get to her house, he had forgotten to grab it. “Shit,” he swore and looked down at Buffy, who was staring at him with a slight smile.

Shit. He didn’t want to leave her, but she needed to go to a hospital. Badly.

“Spike… just stay with me. Please?”

His entire being broke into a million shattered pieces as he heard the pleading sound in her beautiful voice.

“Okay, baby,” he reached for her and held her close to him, trying to warm her with his body.

“Remember… the time,” she struggled with the words, breathing heavily, trying to find the energy to say them, “I was sick for… over three months... and… I thought I was g-going to die?”

“Yeah, love,” he nuzzled her hair and rubbed her shoulders. “You thought you were going to die, and I said that I was going to sit by your bed every single day and every single night until you got better. I said I wouldn’t let you die. And I wont. I never will.”

“I love you,” she repeated, but Spike roughly shook her.

“No,” he protested, his voice cracking as a sob threatened to work its way up his throat. “Not like that, Buffy. Not like that…”

“Spike…” her voice was fading away, but Spike wouldn’t let her go. Not without a fight. He couldn’t let her …

“Remember when I had the alcohol problem and my mum kicked me out of the house? Who gave me a place to stay, huh? Who was there for me?”

She gave him a weak smile and he kissed her forehead. He brushed the damp hair from her face and tenderly traced the delicate curve of her cheek before kissing her lips gently. Her lips felt cold and they trembled against his.

“You were always there for me, love,” he whispered against her lips. “And I’ll always be there for you. Just hold on… please… promise me…”

“… try …” was all she could manage and he kissed her again.

But as strong as her will was to make it through the night, her body couldn’t take the loss of blood. She saw the world fading and felt her heart slowing as her mind screamed No!… no…

She opened her mouth to try to speak one more time, “Spike…”

“Shhh, stay with me, baby,” Spike held her and cried, unable to keep the tears from his eyes. “I need you to. I love you more than life itself.”

The rain kept coming stronger and stronger, wiping away the tears, the dirt, and the blood. It wiped away the life of one and the heart of the other as Buffy closed her eyes one last time and Spike held onto her as if he could give her his own life through his touch.

…………

There was no wedding the next day. The news of Buffy’s death had come as a shock to everybody. Willow locked herself up, her mother broke out crying, her father tried to remain stable for the family’s sake and mourned in his own, private way, her sister ran up to her room and threw things at the wall in rage and sorrow.

Drusilla knew from the minute she heard about Buffy’s death that she would never marry Spike, no matter how much she loved him. So it was no surprise to her when Spike pressed his ring into her hands, shook his head, then turned his back on her without so much a word of goodbye.

Grief mutes people, sometimes. And in times of grief, it’s what they don’t say that matters the most. Drusilla understood that and secretly hoped that one day, after Spike moved on, they might grow with each other again and rediscover each other in new light.

Spike closed himself off to the world.

…………

Spike didn’t join the gathering in the cemetery. He stood behind a tree, watching Buffy’s family and friends cry around her coffin. All he could feel was emptiness as he turned around and walked away.

He kept walking until he couldn’t walk anymore, and that was when he was at the edge of the seaport, looking out into the angry waves of the open ocean.

A part of him urged him to jump over, to join her in death. When he looked at the ocean, all he could see was the big black abyss that was his future. She had filled the void with brightness, and now she was gone and he didn’t want to comprehend it. Now, all he wanted to do was jump.

Spike didn’t know how long he had stood there, just staring at the horizon. But as the sun disappeared, he turned his back and headed back home.

Tomorrow would be another day. Another painful day. But maybe after a few million tomorrows,… he would finally find a way to conceal Buffy in his heart and fill the void.






AN:

This story is inspired by "A Little Fall of Rain", a song in the musical Les Miserables (... if you've read some of my other stuff, you'll probably get the gist that i LOVE Broadway musicals, lol).

The two characters are Eponine and Marius. Eponine is in love with Marius, but his main love interest is a girl named Cosette.

This takes place during the French Revolution (i'm pretty sure... some French war, anyways.) and Eponine dies at the barricades.

This is the song that Eponine and Marius sing together, and I just happen to find it incredibly touching. It's worth listening to.

"A Little Fall of Rain"

EPONINE
Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius
I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now
You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
And rain will make the flowers grow.

MARIUS
But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above,
If I could heal your wounds with words of love.

EPONINE
Just hold me now, and let it be.
Shelter me, comfort me

MARIUS
You would live a hundred years
If I could show you how
I won't desert you now...

EPONINE
The rain can't hurt me now
This rain will wash away what's past
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close
I'll sleep in your embrace at last.

The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed!
The skies begin to clear
And I'm at rest
A breath away from where you are
I've come home from so far
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius

I don't feel any pain
A little fall of rain
Can hardly hurt me now

That's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close

EPONINE
And rain...

MARIUS
And rain...

EPONINE
Will make the flowers...

MARIUS
Will make the flowers... grow...

(She dies. Marius kisses her, then lays her on the ground)

Chapter Three


The words didn’t fully register in his mind. He just stared at her, wide-eyed and surprised.

“You – “ he croaked and swallowed fast, “You what?”

“I’m in – I love you.”

She wanted to tell him everything. When she started loving him, what she loved about him, why she loved him, everything about her love for him. It was expanding like a bubble and just waiting to burst out. She wanted to tell him about how she had been loving him for years and how she had been heartbroken when he got with Drusilla.

But all she could do at the moment was sit and wait out his incredulous stare. When it finally hit him, he blinked a few times before finally speaking.

“No,” Spike got up from the coach and backed away from her. “No, Buffy. You don’t love me… you can’t love me. Goddammit, I’m getting married tomorrow! Why are you saying this to me?”

Spike couldn’t believe her. He couldn’t believe himself. He was confused and conflicted. He was amazed and outraged. He was excited and scared and just so fucking crazed. So, naturally, he blew up. And he couldn’t do a thing about it.

“Spike, I’m sorr-“

“You’re sorry!? Bloody – No, Buffy. You don’t come up to me the day before I get married and tell me you love me. What am I supposed to do? What do you want me to do? Fuck, and you’re my best friend… you – you’re not supposed to love me!” He was holding out his hands now, a gesture telling her to stay away. She hadn’t expected him to go completely crazy. In fact, she had no idea what she was expecting.

But he was not handling the news the way she wanted him to and it was breaking her heart. She stood up as well and Spike took another step back, as if she was about to attack him.

“I’m sorry,” she said quietly, looking at the floor. “I’m going. I wish you two the best of luck.”

She fled the room before he could open his mouth and stop her.

…………

He stared at the door that had swung shut after she disappeared behind it. Everything around him seem to be crumbling and the dam he had built to contain his feelings for her was starting to collapse. The familiar longing and desire for her flooded back and he bit his lip in his effort to send them away. Far away.

“No,” he whispered to himself and squeezed his eyes shut. “No, you love Drusilla. You will marry her tomorrow and be happy. Have a beautiful sodding life with Dru and Dru-niblets.”

Everything in him told him to stay in his apartment, go to sleep, and wake up the next day to the exciting wedding festivities. It would be the day for celebration, joy, commitment, Drusilla, and the start of a brand new, beautiful life.

And then, everything in him told him to go after the woman who had just left. His best friend. Somehow, he felt that after her declaration, things between them would never be the way they were. No matter what he did.

He didn’t know what love was anymore. Was it the happy, satisfied feeling he had with Drusilla? When he was excited every moment and always wondering how she would surprise him?

Or was it the inconsistencies between comfortable smiles and burning desire he felt with Buffy? Buffy, who knew him inside and out, who he could no longer surprise because she knew him better than he knew himself, as she so often put it. Buffy, the person he knew would always be there to support him, Buffy, the woman who took care of him and cherished him in sickness and in health, Buffy, who was the one thing in his life he always could depend on.

Buffy, who he could grow old with and still love.

In his heart, he knew who he wanted, but in his head… he didn’t know a thing.

So he kept staring at the door, hoping that an answer would fly in and hit him in the head.

…………

The second Buffy made it back to her apartment, she picked up the phone and called Willow. The thin shirt she had on was drenched in rain, sticking to her like second skin and she shivered, swallowing back the tears. Where was her coat?

"Hello?" her friend's tired voice rasped from the other line. Buffy closed her eyes and held her breath for a moment.

"Willow… I'm leaving," she finally said, choking on her own words. The tears she'd been trying to hold back streamed down her face and she shook.

"What!" Willow jolted awake and screamed into the phone, "When you say 'leaving,' you mean… like you're taking a little vacation, right? A vacation that'll last for a few hours and then you'll be back to make it to Spike's wedding, right? A - "

"No, I'm going back to Sunnydale. I'm not coming back, Wills."

There was a silence over the other line.

"This is about Spike, isn't it?" her friend said softly. When Buffy didn't reply, Willow sighed, "Did you ever tell him how you felt?"

There was a pregnant pause, then Buffy let out a small, "Yeah."

"And… he didn't take it very well, did he?"

… "No. Wills, I'm sorry. I'm leaving right now. Tell Spike… I'm sorry I couldn't make it to his wedding, okay?"

She hung up before Willow could say anything else.

After a long moment of staring at the phone, she finally picked it up again and called a taxi.

…………
…………
…………

The next morning, Spike made his decision. He wasn’t sure what would happen that afternoon, how to tell Drusilla that it wouldn’t work, what anybody would think of him, but at the moment, he really didn’t care.

He grabbed the coat that Buffy had left on the coach and went running out of his door. He had to see her. Had to see her and apologize and let her know how he felt.

Everything would be better once he saw her again. The moment he was out of his apartment, something inside him fluttered. Excitement. Happiness. Fulfillment.

He had to see her now.

…………

"Buffy!" he shouted, running down the hall until he reached her apartment. He knocked on the door one, two, three hundred times, but nobody answered.

"Come on, Buffy, open the bloody door, will you?" he growled, pounding even harder.

"Shut the hell up!" a voice shouted from the apartment across the hall.

"Oh, fuck you!" he shouted back, then whipped out the extra key Buffy had given him from his pocket.

"Love, if you don't open this door, I'll open it," he called, just as loudly as before, "Like it or not, I'm coming in. And we're going to talk."

When there was still no response, he let out a frustrated sigh, unlocked the door himself, and pushed his way into her apartment.

The sight he was greeted with made him stumble back and widen his eyes.