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Something I wrote a long time ago and decided I'd post it for fun.
He looked different when he slept. After a few hours of making love he had finally collapsed on her and all she could think about was how different he looked. How peaceful and content he looked. She studied his face, never wanting to forget it, knowing that she never would.
Was this what being in love felt like?
She cast away the treacherous thought the moment it crossed her mind. Thinking like that was going to get her into nothing but trouble and trouble was the last thing she needed.
Her body was blissfully exhausted. It always was after a day with him. She'd be able to sleep on the plane tomorrow. Tonight she was going to bask in the after glow of what they'd just done. Who knew if they'd ever be together again?
Leaving him was the hardest thing she was ever gonna have to do but she didn't have a choice. His mind was made up. She could very easily be persuaded to stay but she knew that he'd never ask her to. Knew he'd never make her chose between her dreams and him. Knew that he didn't think there was much comparison.
“Why the frown, ladybug?” he asked as he pulled her even closer to him. His hair was mused and his voice was groggy.
She rested her head on his chest and sighed. “Can you keep a secret?”
“Depends on if it’s worth keeping or not.” He kissed her forehead and she playfully swatted him while sitting up a little straighter.
“I leave tomorrow.”
He chuckled, “That’s not much of a secret, bug.”
She rolled her eyes, “If you would let me finish-”
“Alright-- alright,” he threw his arms up in surrender.
She sat up and grabbed the blanket they had kicked onto the floor sometime in between their heated kisses and the mindless fumbling around. Making a game out who could get rid of their clothes the fastest. She wrapped it around herself before standing up. “I’ve never been more terrified in my life.” She said honestly.
“Of leaving?” he asked as he got up and followed her into bathroom. She dropped the blanket and turned on the shower.
“Of leaving.” She nodded and silently added I’m terrified of leaving you.
“Well,” he started as he stepped closer to her. “That’s understandable off to collage in a whole new town with none of your friends there with you. I’d say that’d be pretty scary.” He pulled her to him and kissed her softly. “But you see I have faith in you. I know what you’re capable of. I know how brilliant you are. Harvard knows how brilliant you are. Baby, they’re scholarshipping you that means something. You might be nervous now but give it a little time and you'll settle in. They're going to love you.” Then almost as an afterthought he put his hand on the back of her neck and brought her ear to his lips, “Besides there are going to be so many good looking, smart, none bum musician guys there that your going to forget all about little ole me out here in SunnyD. You're going to make something of yourself baby. There was never anything for you here anyway.”
“But I like musicians.” She stated simply-- knowing that he would get the hint.
“Yeah well we’re all a bunch of washed up imposters doomed to never make anything of ourselves anyway, right? What do you need that for? A musicians only gonna hold you back.” He said as he climbed into the shower knowing that she would follow.
“I’m a musician.” She said slightly insulted while climbing in after him.
“No you aren’t, not at heart.” She looked like he had just crushed a piece of her soul and he smiled. “You are the second best guitar player I have ever met babyluv but music was never your passion it was never in your soul. You’re a number loving, grammar correcting, too smart for your own good kinda girl.” He started to soap her hair and she looked at him with teary eyes.
“Ask me to stay.” Finally. She asked him.
He shook his head no and the tears started to fall. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of him but she could feel it-- the turning of the tide-- the weight of the future-- a future without him.
“Please,” she whispered desperately.
“Ask you to stay so in a few years you can look back and remember everything you could have had and didn’t because I was selfish bugger? I’d rather die. The opportunity of a life time is sitting right in front of you and your hesitating to reach out and grab it, why? For me? Bug, I'm no Prince Charming. I'm the bad guy. Don't you stay for me.”
He put her in the spray and ran his fingers through her long blonde hair. Smiling as he heard her sniffle. She sounded like a little girl though her glistening golden body told him that she was anything but. “I know.”
“Yes, you do.” Was all he said as he continued to work the soap out of her hair.
He smiled sadly at her. “And if you love me you’ll leave.” He tucked a strand of her wet hair behind her ear. “You’ll leave this small little nothing town and never look back. If you love me you’ll do that for me.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Has no one warned you about that yet? Life is never fair.” He smiled. “You'll leave. There will be someone else, you will fall in love again and five years from now you won’t remember my name let alone how much you loved me.” She looked at him with wide sober eyes--shocked and hurt. He looked at her with pity and love. So much love he thought that his heart would break with the sheer force of it. That was the exact moment he knew he would never love anyone like he loved her… It was also in that moment that he realized she would never come back for him.
