Chapter 1: He’ll Never Let It Go
She slowly walked up the steps to her best friend’s door. The two had been friends since they could walk and they shared everything together.
Buffy stopped at the door, wiping her puffy eyes and cheeks free of fallen tears. Taking a deep breath, she knocked on the hard oak.
The door swung open, revealing her sleepy-looking friend dressed in a pair of baggy sweatpants.
“Buffy? What are you doing here, luv? It’s 3 o’clock in the bloody morning.” Spike ran his hand through his bleach-colored locks, in attempt to tame the unruly curls.
The moment words came out of his mouth, the tears started again. Spike pulled her into his house, and his embrace, already knowing what this was about, or more precisely who. Angel. It was always about Angel.
Buffy melted into his arms, letting him whisper words of comfort that always made her slip into a different world, where everything was perfect and safe. And where she had taken the right path…with Spike at the end instead of Angel. She made the wrong choice years ago, and now she felt like she suffered everyday for it.
It wasn’t that Angel was a bad boyfriend. He wasn’t. The couple just fought too much, and sometimes was taken too far. Usually, whatever they fought about morphed into another one. Something bigger. Something it always came to. Spike.
Angel was the one that continuously brought him up in all their fights. How Buffy was constantly measuring him to Spike. He was chronically the one she ran to after their fights, which added fuel to the fire. It pissed Angel off to high multitudes, and it farther pissed him off that the two had, and possibly still do, have strong feelings for each other.
Spike sat Buffy on his couch and went to his kitchen to get her a glass of water. When he came back, he placed it on the coffee table. Sitting beside her, he leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees, and with his hands clasped. He waited for her to speak. He knew that she would, she always did. But when she was ready.
“We got in a fight. Mom had to go out of town for the day, and she asked me to pick Dawn up from school, and stay with at her home until she got back.” Buffy took a deep breath before continuing. “Anyways, she didn’t get home till late last night, so I ended up falling asleep until she got there. I completely forgot that I had dinner plans with Angel, and he was pretty upset. We fought about practically everything, and then you came up. Again. That’s when I left. I didn’t want to get into it. And knowing Angel, he’ll never let it go.” Buffy ran her hands through her hair, mimicking the same pose as Spike.
“Well, I guess you can say it’s nice to know that I’m always on your mind.” Spike suggested with a bright grin.
Buffy shook her head and laughed silently. “Spike, you’re on my mind even when I’m not fighting with Angel. You know that.” She confirmed softly. Her face was filled with longing. Wishing that she didn’t have to put up with Angel, and just be with Spike.
“Do you ever just wish that, everything could be easy?” Buffy looked over to him. “That you’d never have to deal with fucked up relationships, and hard times?” Spike didn’t answer her, but gave her a look that told her that he understood. “Do you wish I wasn’t with Angel?” she asked so softly her voice was barely audible.
The question had caught Spike off guard. She had asked before if he ever thought they could try again, but it was in a jokingly manner. She sounded vulnerable. Like the answer would kill her if he didn’t give the right one.
“Buffy…I can’t answer that.” He looked away, hoping she wouldn’t press her big question on him again. But…no such luck.
“Spike. Please…tell me. Do you wish I wasn’t with Angel?” her eyes pleaded with him, as if hoping he gave her a reason to leave her boyfriend.
He wanted to say ‘Yes! I wish you weren’t with him, and you were with me.’ But he couldn’t. Problem one: Buffy loved Angel. And even if she did break up with Angel to be with him, she would still, and always love Angel, and he didn’t know if he could handle that. Problem 2: The only reason she’d do it in the first place is because she’s trying to find an easier route, an easier relationship. What if being with him only made things harder? And lastly, Problem 3: Angel was not only Buffy’s boyfriend, but one of Spike’s good friends since senior year of high school. If Buffy left him for Spike, that would mean Angel getting hurt. Not to mention, their friendship being damaged.
So all in all, Spike was in a big yucky situation.
Spike was just about to answer, when a voice sounded in the room.
“Spike? What’s going on is everything okay?” a soft and concerned figure said from the doorjamb.
“Um, Cordy…yeah, Buffy just needed to talk.” Spike said rubbing his eyes.
“Oh. Hey Buff. What’d that lunk-head do now?” she asked with a small smirked, and a raised brow. Cordy came into the room and sat on the coffee table in front of Buffy.
“Nothing…we just got in a fight is all.” Buffy replied uncomfortably. Cordelia was always someone good to talk to about fights with Angel. Of course she’d always leave out the parts with her boyfriend involved. But now being around her was awkward. Possibly because she almost walked in on a personal talk the two blondes were having. Buffy loved Cordelia. She was always really sweet to her, and not to mention that she had been a friend of Buffy’s family for years. Small world? Not small enough. Cordy was Buffy’s current boyfriend, Angel’s, sister.
“Another one!? My God, I know he’s my brother, and sometimes it really pains me to admit to that, but these fights have got to end. That’s all you two do.” Cordy flung her thick and wavy, chestnut-color hair to one shoulder and letting the long strands touch her thighs. “You know what you need!” she exclaimed proudly, and swatting Buffy’s knee to punctuate her words. She ignored her attempts to rub the pain away, and the dirty look Buffy was giving her. Causing Spike to chuckle. “You need a man like my Spike, here. Hey, honey?” Cordelia looped her arms around one of Spike’s and pulled him closer, giving him an affectionate kiss on the cheek.
Spike’s face immediately sobered up at his girlfriend’s words. And the look on Buffy’s face once she said them. He awkwardly, AND uncomfortably hugged her back, finding it weird to do so with Buffy sitting right there.
Buffy turned her eyes away from the show of affection, trying her hardest not to scoff in disgust, and scream out in envy.
“Yeah, well. Guess I’m just not lucky like you. There are no other Spike’s out there.” Buffy hid the bitter tone in her voice better than she expected. Buffy looked at Spike intently, knowing that he knew she meant it in a different way than she was presenting it to Cordy. “He’s a special one, and you’re lucky to have him.” Buffy stated finally tearing her gaze away from the intense blue eyes, to look at dancing brown ones. The two girls smiled at each other, Cordy cheerfully and Buffy, not so cheerfully.
And Spike noticed the fallen look on her face. He bowed his head, feeling horrible that she had to experience that, just cause he was a stupid git so long ago, by letting her go.
Needing to get away from the tense moment, Buffy stood on shaky legs. “I’m gunna head into the kitchen and grab a drink. I’ll…be right back.” she rubbed her sweaty palms on her jeans, and headed into the kitchen.
She noticed a half empty pack of cigarettes lying on the counter, and rushed over and stole one and the lighter before going outside and sitting on the back steps. She stuck between her lips, and ignited the tip with the Zippo Spike was so fond of. She took a long drag and relished in it.
It was been years since she had a smoke, high school in sophomore year. That’s when she had quit. She was quite the rebel once upon a time, and got herself in trouble a lot. She smoked as a way to calm her nerves, and reduce the stress. Now all that stress was coming back and after seeing the pack on the table she couldn’t resist.
Spike’s gunna kill me for this…oh well. She thought, closing her eyes as she took another puff.
She heard the door open behind her, and her eyes snapped open, as she let out a slow stream of smoke.
* * * * *
After Buffy left the room, Spike and Cordy sat in the room silently, not knowing what to say. Spike because he didn’t know if Cordelia caught onto the connection that was crackling between him and Buffy not 30 seconds ago, and Cordy because she had no idea what the hell had just happened.
Spike finally decided to say something before he died of the tension currently strangling him. “Look, Cordy, I’m just gunna go talk to her. She seems pretty upset about what happened with Angel so…” not Angel, YOU, you ponce! “Um-just give me a minute, and I’ll meet you back upstairs, alright?” Spike stood, and Cordy stood with him, nodding her approval.
“Okay. That’s cool. Just make sure she’s feeling better before she leaves, okay?” She leaned in and gave him a soft kiss and a smile before heading upstairs.
Spike took a deep breath. I need a bloody smoke. Spike walked into the kitchen and noticed Buffy wasn’t in there. He looked out the back door and noticed her golden locks shining from the porch lights. He snatched up a cigarette and walked out onto the back porch.
He sat down next to her and noticed the smoke in her hand. “Taking up smoking again I see. It’s a bad habit, you should quit.” He pulled the Zippo from her hand, and lit his smoke.
Buffy finally looked over at him. “Yeah, says the one who’s been smoking for majority of his life.” She stated pointedly. She turned away and looked out into the backyard. “Anyway, this is like my first smoke since sophomore year of high school. I deserve it.” Buffy took a long drag, and blew the gray smoke into the black night sky.
“I’m sorry.” Spike said quietly, looking down at his shoes. “About what happened in there. Must have been hard, listening to Cordy talk about ending you’re relationship with Angel.” He tapped the ash off the tip of the cigarette and took a short puff.
Buffy sighed loudly, as she angrily put out her smoke. “No, what was ‘hard’ was seeing her put her claim on you right in front of me.” She turned to him with sad eyes and her hands clasped in front of her. “But it’s always been like that, hasn’t it? We’ll be starting something, and then she’ll come in. Parading around, shoving how you two are an item in my face.” Buffy was about to continue when Spike jumped in.
“Buffy, it’s not like she knew. She was just being ‘Cordy’. It’s not like she intentionally meant to hurt you.”
“But does it make it any better? I mean here I am, in the middle of a relationship crisis-which, by the way, she did know about- and she’s hugging and kissing you, practically bragging that she has a boyfriend that would never do what Angel did to me.” Buffy looked back out into the backyard, and ran her hands through her hair, linking them at the back of her neck, and resting her forehead on her knees. “When did everything get so screwed up, Spike?” came her quiet, muffled words.
“Around the time we went our separate ways, I guess. Do you ever-” Spike started to ask as he put out her cigarette.
“Think about the day I left?” Buffy finished for him. She brought her head up to look him in the eye. “Everyday.” She finished. “I wonder how different things would be if I just stayed.”
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!