A rustle broke the silence in the still dark room, then a clearing of a throat. Spike didn't move, instead he lay quite still with eyes shut waiting for the intruder to speak first.
The unseen person cleared their throat again, louder this time with just a hint of annoyance. Spike could smell him now, knew exactly who it was and that him being there meant Spike was needed. That didn't mean Spike was gonna make it easy on him, he had interrupted his sleep after all. More importantly, he had interrupted his dream.
The dream was never the same twice, but the most important theme never changed. Buffy. He hadn't spoken to her, hadn't laid eyes on her in over a year but that didn't mean she wasn't in his thoughts...constantly. On that day he materialized in the poof's office, his first thought (after ripping off Angel's head of course) had been to get to her. Of course this action had been rather hampered by the fact that he was left incorporeal after that damn amulet had ripped him into pieces before reforming him in the midst of the last person he wanted to see, and therefore unable to pick up a phone much less leave the city limits. Sometimes he wished that he had been able to call her that first day, because once the opportunity presented itself later on, he'd had far too much time to talk himself out of doing just that.
The reason he gave was that he couldn't possibly top the exit he made. After all, going out in a fiery death sacrificing himself to save the world and earning Buffy's declaration of love was hardly something he could imagine outdoing. She had given him too much credit for his reason to do this though. Angel was the one for big heroics, saving the world for all of the nuns, schoolchildren, and puppy dogs. Spike's reason was much simpler.
Buffy.
He would not live in a world without Buffy, not again. He would have done anything to ensure her continued survival, even if it meant giving up his own. He saved the world simply because Buffy was in it, everybody else was just a bonus. However, as valid a reason as this was, it was not why he wouldn't let her know he was alive. The real reason was something else that couldn't be topped. She'd told him she loved him. She knew he was dying, that there would be no tomorrow for him, so she would never have to accept what saying these words would mean. He wasn't foolish enough to think she hadn't cared for him, he was sure by the end she had. But caring for somebody and loving them, truly loving them, were two very different things. In truth, as long as he stayed away from her, he could delude himself into thinking that maybe she had meant it. And as long as she didn't see him again, she could hold on to the idealized memory of him, him as the hero. He couldn't bear the thought of going back, after she had already moved on to someone else, and back to the reality that they couldn't possibly have had a future together anyway.
After all, even pushing into the shadows everything that had happened between them in years past, there still remained one simple fact. He was a vampire. Even if they somehow managed to work everything else out, it didn't change the fact that she would age and he would not. They could live life happily ignoring that for as much as ten, maybe twenty years. But eventually time would catch up with them. And Buffy deserved a future, a real future. One with children, normalcy, and man who could take her in the sunlight. All things Spike could never give her. She deserved better than him, and he was not going to stand in her way.
"Spike." Gunn's annoyed voice shook Spike out of his reverie. Spike couldn't pretend not to hear him anymore. Inwardly rolling his eyes, he opened his actual ones. Gunn was standing at the foot of his bed wearing his standard hoodie and a sour expression. Spike wasn't particularly surprised by the look on Gunn's face, in the past months there hadn't been a lot for him to be happy about. They were alive, that was one thing. This was no small accomplishment considering what they had been up against. But as always, it had come at a steep cost. They all went that night expecting death, and some found it, but what nobody had expected was the sacrifice that Ilyria herself had been willing to make.
Standing in that alleyway, confronted by the hoards of demons the likes of which they had never seen, Angel, Gunn, and Spike himself had been steeling themselves for their last great battle. But while they were doing this, Ilyria simply stated "I wish to do more violence." and calmly walked forward into the hoard alone. What happened next Spike could hardly explain, if asked to retell the story he would find himself at a loss for words. Ilyria seemed to open up,her chest tearing open right down the middle and blinding, white hot light poured out of her. There was screaming such as Spike had never heard before, horrible agonized shrieks coming from the onslaught of demons as their skin bubbled and melted right off their bones (if they had any). It was over quicker than they could have imagined, a few moments of those terrible screams as the men simply watched in shock, and then it was over and all that was left was the sickening smell of charred and melted demon flesh. It didn't always pay off to have the heightened sense of smell that came with being a vampire. Even as they stared at the wreckage the corpses, what was left of them collapsed in on themselves and melted right onto the ground.
Angel was the first one to react, he hurried to Ilyria as she lay collapsed on the ground, and knelt down to speak to her. This seemed to act as a catalyst for Spike and Gunn to move, and they followed Angel to where he knelt bent over the quickly dying demoness. It was a horrific sight, and one he never would have expected Ilyria to allow herself to become. Her skin, rather than the bluish tint that it ordinarily had, now was red and mottled from the head to toe blisters that now covered all of her visible skin. Even as they watched her skin began to disintegrate around the edges, like a piece of paper that had been lit with a match. She didn't attempt to talk, merely looked at them with a steely glint in her eyes as if daring them to challenge her actions. Within seconds she had melted away to muscles, then bone, then gone. It was victory, but it did not feel as though it was.
They collected Wesley's body and buried him the next night. They tried to return to Wolfram and Hart, tie up loose ends so to speak, but they got there only to discover that not only were the offices gone, the entire building was gone. It had vanished as though it had never been there, and nobody outside of the three of them appeared to notice its absence. Further checking revealed that every Wolfram and Hart office had done the same, they had withdrawn from this dimension. As Angel pointed out, they had not defeated the firm. Wolfram and Hart appeared to have simply written off Earth as a bad investment, and moved on. At least for now. In the three months since then, they had moved on as best they could. Angel Investigations had reformed (although Spike refused to call it that), and life went on.
But while life went on, that didn't mean it was overly pleasant. While Spike had not been around for the original run of Angel Investigations, he could only assume that it had been less grim. Admittedly the business itself must hold a sour note for Angel, too many memories of friends he had lost, many of them in the past year. Cordelia, Fred, Wesley, and even Lorne. They were shown no information to make them think he was hurt, but there had been no contact with him. Angel admitted that he did not expect him to return. So they went on "fighting the good fight" and "helping the helpless". Angel, in the hopes to earn some sort of redemption, as if this were possible. And Spike, because he felt that somehow, Buffy would want him to. The downside of his joining Angel's band of do-gooders, was that occasionally little visits such as this would happen.
"Well if you're done sleeping in, maybe we can actually get some patrolling done." Gunn said in a voice positively dripping with sarcasm. "I mean I know you need beauty sleep more than most, but you were supposed to meet us an hour ago." Spike glanced at the clock on his bedside table and the glowing red numbers showed that Gunn was right, it was well past sundown, the time when their motley band of misfits usually started their work. Spike propped himself up on one elbow and cocked on eyebrow at Gunn responding with equal sarcasm "Sorry mate, suppose I just thought you were enough of a big boy to handle a couple of demons on your own. But as it seems I'm wrong, I guess I can lend a hand." Gunn rolled his eyes and turned to walk out of the room. "Hurry up and put some pants on, we've got work to do." As the door shut behind Gunn, Spike sat up and heaved a sigh. For a vampire who spent his nights prowling the streets saving innocent people, his life (or lack of one rather) had become almost unbearably monotonous. And it was hard to get too warm and fuzzy about the people he was saving because while they were innocent, they were also usually stupid bints who didn't have the common sense not to walk home alone in the middle of the night, often wearing high heels. And the fact of the matter was that they wouldn't need saving in the first place if they just had an ounce of brains. He wouldn't stop though, every time he thought of just calling it quits and moving on to greener pastures, if such a place existed, he was reminded of the times when those girls walking alone had not been the target of annoyance, but hunger to him.
He had no delusions of earning forgiveness or redemption but he was aware that though his debt could never be repaid, he had to try. So every night he would get up and go, play his role as protector instead of predator. He joined Gunn outside his apartment, and together they started on the now familiar path through the streets. They walked automatically winding their way through the LA nightlife, their usual patrol route took them through some of the seedier parts of the town, past all the bars that respectable people wouldn't show their faces in. In other words, the perfect breeding ground for vampire activity. They had been doing this for about half an hour when a scream, as it so often did, tore through the air.
"Help! Oh God! Somebody help me, please!"
Spike and Gunn reacted purely on reflex, turning and running down the block and around a corner where they found themselves in an alley with the source of the shrieking. There was a girl backed up against a brick wall at the end, terror in her eyes as two vampires closed in on her laughing coldly. The girls eyes widened as Spike crashed his way into the alley with Gunn close behind him. The vampires spun around, their yellow eyes shining in the glow from the streetlight, and smiles pulled back over fangs.
"Well well well," the taller one said, taking a step forward. "What do we have here? A couple of brave men running to the aide of the damsel in distress. Hate to break it to you boys, but that's the last thing you'll ever do." Spike and Gunn exchanged a look, Spike sincerely hoped that his threats had never sounded this lame.
"Last thing huh?" Spike asked coolly. "I guess we'll just see about that." He snarled at them, as his face shifted into his demon visage.
This was the fun part. Spike always relished that look of surprise, as they realized that just maybe they'd bitten of more than they could chew. Metaphorically speaking of course. However the shorter vampire of the two seemed to be thicker than most. He barked out a short laugh
"Oh you're one of us huh? Well we'd love to invite you to join our little dinner, but this one is small. There'd hardly be enough to share."
Spike smiled. "I don't think that's your biggest problem right now. He sprang into motion, leaping forward and grabbing the taller one by his collarbone and swinging him around, smashing him up against the wall. He tried to lunge back at Spike, but too slow. The stake plunged into his heart just as his lips began forming the snarl.
A few feet away Gunn had disposed of the shorter, stupider vampire just as easily. Spike almost hated when they went down that easy, if there was one thing he needed sometimes, it was a good fight. Spike brushed the dust off his hands carelessly, then turned his attention to the girl who was now sitting on the ground with her knees drawn up to her chin, staring at him in shock. Spike sighed inwardly, this was the part he didn't like. He smoothed his face and stepped forward to kneel on the ground in front of her, Gunn hanging back and brushing off his now dusty hoodie.
"Wha- what were those things?" She asked shakily. Her face was white and tear-stained, and now that Spike was closer to her, her saw that she was much younger than he had originally guessed. This girl could be no older than fifteen. She had long brown hair and was wearing heavy makeup that was obviously being used to disguise her age, probably to get into some bar. But the mascara and eyeliner were now running down her cheeks and she looked like the small and terrified child she was.
"Vampires." He said matter-of-factly.
He wasn't a fan of the coddling that everyone seemed to think must go with breaking this news, softening the blow did nothing to help. If people didn't understand what it was they were facing when walking home, alone, in the middle of the night, all they would do was carry on doing it. The girl let out a sharp gasp at his words.
"Bu-bu-but vampires aren't real! They're just stories, like the Easter Bunny. Not real!"
"Well I can't speak for the Easter Bunny," Spike said "But I can pretty much promise you that vampires are real. Demons too, since we're on the subject."
The girl tried to stifle, without much success, a shaky sob. "But your face, you're one of them." A thought seemed to come to her, she pressed herself more firmly against the wall and half screamed "You're going to try and kill me too!"
Her eyes feverishly darted around the ally, obviously looking for an escape route. "Have you already forgotten that I'm the one who just saved your life?" Spike snapped. Behind him Gunn cleared his throat, Spike ignored him. "Believe me kid, if I had wanted to kill you, you would already be dead. And in case you're wondering, HE's a human."
He jerked his thumb back at Gunn, who gave a small wave. The girl's eyes filled with tears. Dammit, why did they always do this?
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to, I don't know, offend you. Thank you. Thank you.." She sniffled and gazed at him with a face that was still tear-stained, but unmistakeably grateful.
Spike stared at her. He didn't know if it was the hair or something about her eyes, maybe it was nothing more than the puppy dog look from a teenage girl, but she reminded him a bit of Dawn.
He couldn't help but feel a twinge of sympathy. Although Buffy was the one who was on his mind almost constantly, he did occasionally miss the younger Summers girl. She had been near adoring of him even when the rest of Buffy's gang couldn't stand the sight of him. Although it had been a very long time since her affection of him had evaporated. He understood the reason for it well, trying to rape someones sister does wonders in removing the misunderstood hero light they had previously seen you in.
But still this girl called her to mind with a resonance that it was almost eerie. He wondered how Dawn was doing these days, and then realized with a jump that while this girl must be around fifteen, Dawn would be nearing eighteen now.
The girl was still looking at him, Spike jerked himself back to the present. "Er, what's your name?" He asked. "Nancy" She said, her voice was getting steadier, evidently his assurance that he wasn't going to eat her had a great calming effect.
"Right, Nancy. Well you better get home now, I don't know what you were doing but it's not safe for you to be out alone at night."
"I wasn't alone, I was with my friends." She rushed to say "We had just gone out to see our favorite band play at the Zebra Lounge, I had to leave early because I didn't want my parents to wake up and notice I was gone." She broke off and looked at him guiltily as if she was expecting a reprimand.
"Listen," Spike said "I don't care why you were out, that's none of my business. I'm just saying you better get back now." He stood and turned to walk back up the ally. Gunn raised and eyebrow at him, he looked almost amused.
Spike heard Nancy yell "Wait!" He turned again to look at her. She clambered to her feet and took a hesitant step toward him. "Can you walk me home? Please? It's only a couple of blocks away, I just don't want to be alone out here."
Spike opened his mouth to say no, he didn't have time for this. "Yes." Gunn looked almost as surprised at these words as Spike was. He didn't know what had made him say that, he never took steps like this for the dozens of women he had rescued from their demon dinner date before. He just couldn't say no to someone who reminded him so much of Dawn.
Nancy smiled, a great grin despite the smeared makeup and tear tracks that was still on her face. They walked in silence, until finally after what seemed like an eternity but in reality couldn't have been more than ten minutes, they came to an apartment building and Nancy stopped.
"Thank you." She said looking at Spike. She turned to Gunn "Thank you both." Spike gave a curt nod. Nancy walked up the steps to the building and then stopped, looking back over her shoulder.
"What's your name?" She asked looking at him.
"Spike." he answered.
"Spike" She repeated "That's a funny name." She gave a small smile and said "Goodnight." Then walked into the building and was gone.
They stood there not saying a word as the door swung shut behind her. Then Gunn coughed and said "That was beautiful." Spike shot a dirty look at Gunn and saw that he was laughing. "Shut up." he snarled, striding back down the road the way they'd come.
"No really!" Gunn insisted, following behind him. "I mean when you agreed to walk that little girl home it was like the moment when the Grinch's heart grew three times its size!"
Spike didn't answer, he knew Gunn would just keep at it if Spike gave him the satisfaction of responding. Gunn caught up with Spike and fell into step beside him, occasionally shooting him another amused look. The quiet was broken when a shrill ring came from Gunn's pocket. Gunn pulled out his phone and flipped it open with one hand, holding it up to his ear. "What's up?"
Spike assumed it was Angel. None of them had many people to talk to these days, but Gunn had insisted that cell phones were a necessary part of Angel Investigations and that they shouldn't stop their use just because they were no longer with Wolfram and Hart. Spike wasn't a large fan of them, it annoyed him the way it made him feel that he was at Angel's beck and call, but they did come in handy sometimes. Gunn had been laughing still when he answered the phone but the humor quickly drained from his face as he listened to whatever Angel was saying. "What? Why?"
Spike shot Gunn a questioning look, one that he ignored with an impatient wave of his hand. "She wants help? You're kidding me right? Oh of course we'll help her, after all look what she did for us." Spike was staring at Gunn very hard. She? What she could they be talking about? And what she could be making Gunn look so angry? Gunn was silent for a moment and then said in a clipped tone "Fine, we're on our way." He hung up the phone and stuffed it in his pocket. "Well?" Spike asked after a beat. "What was that about?" "We need to get over there now." Gunn replied, "Apparently Harmony decided to pay a little visit, needs help with something. And for some reason Angel is deciding that the proper way to react to that is to agree rather than to put a stake through her chest."
Spike stared. "Harmony? What help could she possibly want from us?"
Gunn replied gruffly "That's not the question I'm worried about. The one I'm worried about is why we're even considering giving it to her." Spike didn't answer. It didn't matter, Gunn didn't seem to be expecting a response. After just a few moments of walking, the Hotel Hyperion loomed into view. It was one of the few material things Angel had been able to hold on to throughout the entire ordeal with Wolfram and Hart, the deed to the property. They had re-set up headquarters and although a bit musty after the long stretch away, it was still in relatively good shape.
Angel and Gunn had both moved into rooms, the cushy penthouse apartments disappeared the same time as the law firm. Spike however, refused on principal to stay there. He would take his paycheck from Angel, but he certainly wasn't going to live under his roof. He still had enough pride left to make that idea unbearable.
When they got to the hotel and let themselves in, the first thing they could hear was gasping little sobs coming from Angel's office. Spike recognized the sounds to be female, and was perplexed. What in hell would cause Harmony to be coming to Angel for help, and crying? She always thought of herself as being a "strong independent woman" who didn't need help from anybody. That's not saying Spike believed it, but he did figure Harmony had too much pride to admit how ridiculous an idea that was. Also while she definitely wasn't the brightest vampire in the crypt, he thought surely she would be smart enough not to show her face around them now. Seeking refuge with people she once tried to kill was an easy way to find yourself at the wrong end of a stake.
Although, Spike remembered, there had been a time or two when he had to do the same thing himself.
They walked towards the office door, Gunn sped up past Spike and wrenched open the door. He stood in the doorway. "You've got a lot of nerve-" he started. "Gunn." Angel's voice was sharp. Spike looked over Gunn's shoulder and was surprised by what he saw. Harmony was sitting hunched over in the chair in front of Angel's desk. Her face was dirty and covered with tears, her hair disheveled. Her clothes were torn and she smelled as if she hadn't showered in at least a week.
It wasn't this that shocked Spike though, it was the look on her face. Spike had seen her throw many a hissy fit before, endured many melodramatic crying jags, but this was different. Her expression was deadened, her cheeks hollow, and her eyes kept darting around the room as if she expected something to rise out of the shadows at any moment. This wasn't a common look to see from a vampire.
Gunn seemed to be startled by her appearance as well, he had stopped talking anyway. He stepped further into the room and Spike followed, shutting the door behind him. "What in hell happened to you Harm?" Spike asked, staring at her. She smiled at him, or at least it seemed to be an attempt at a smile, her lips twitched at the corners and it came off as more of an insane grimace. "Well." she said, looking at Angel, her voice shaking. "Are you going to tell him, maybe he'll do it if you won't. I thought you of all people would understand, would be willing to help me." Angel looked at her for a moment and then said slowly, "If you're telling me the truth, then what you're asking me to do isn't the answer."
Spike raised an eyebrow at Angel, he was definitely missing something. Angel sighed "Harmony-" he started and broke off, rubbing his eyes and looking much older than the twenty-six he had been stuck at for the past two-hundred years. "She has her soul." Spike's mouth hung open, he looked back and forth from Angel to Harmony, who was hanging her head and staring at the floor. "You're kidding right?"
Harmony laughed. Not her normal annoying laugh, but a hysterical one that Spike had never heard out of her before. "Do you think if I was joking I would be here?" she asked, rising out of her chair and taking a step towards Spike. "Do you think I don't know that the three of you would just love to shove a stake through my heart? That's why I'm here!" She stopped, her chest heaving. Harmony always forgot that she didn't need to breathe. Or maybe she, like Spike, just used it as a calming mechanism. A reminder that she was still alive, or as alive as either of them could be.
Angel stood up as well, his jaw was set as he said "Nobody is staking you here." Harmony clenched her right hand at these words, the other one grabbed the necklace around her throat and tugged at it, seemingly unaware. "I don't understand." she hissed out "I'm evil, you kill things that are evil, please. I have all these thoughts, all these memories in my head. Oh God, so many people." As she spoke she wrapped her fingers through her matted hair and pulled, looking quite mad.
"I don't want this soul in me, to feel like this. I don't want anything. Please, please kill me. I can't do it myself." Spike stared at her and remembered quite well what that had been like, suddenly remembering all the horriffic things you had done, and caring. He was wondering to himself what the issue was here, why wasn't Angel agreeing?
"Look Harmony" Angel started in what he clearly thought was a reaasuring voice. "If the Powers gave you a soul, I'm sure it was for a reason."
"The Powers?" Harmony shrieked "A reason? I don't care! I don't want a reason! I'm not like you two, all noble and wanting to redeem yourselves and save the world. I just want it all to stop!" She lunged at Spike suddenly, catching him by surprise and grabbing on to his wrists and staring into his eyes pleadingly. "Spike please, kill me. I know you never loved me, not even for a second, I know I was just a big joke to you. But please, you owe me." Spike couldn't break her gaze, she stared intently at him, waiting for an answer.
Spike opened his mouth to reply, Angel beat him to it. "No." he said firmly "Nobody is killing you today so sit down so we can try and make sense of this." Spike looked at her again and silently wrenched himself out of her grasping fingers. She stared at him another moment and then turned, throwing herself back down in the chair.
Spike turned his head to look away from her and caught Gunn's gaze. He hadn't said another word since they had entered the room, had just stood back and watched the exchange. Gunn cleared his throat uncomfortably and said "So- you've got a soul? How?"
At first Spike thought Harmony wasn't going to answer, but then she said lowly "I don't know. Two weeks ago I was at home in my apartment, sleeping and I had this dream. There was this man- well, he wasn't really a man, but he told me that I had a job to do. He said that I had a purpose to fulfill, and it was my time to join the side where I could play my part. I laughed and told him he was crazy, but then he put his hand on my chest, and there was this light.
It burned, it hurt so bad I woke up and it was still burning. Then when the burning stopped suddenly everything just seemed to flood into my mind, everything I've done in the past five years, all the horrible things. And that's when I realized what he must have done to me."
Everybody was silent, taking in these words. It was finally Spike who spoke. "Did he say why? I mean, did he say what exactly this purpose is that you're supposed to be fulfilling?"
Harmony shook her head hard. "No, he only said one more thing, that there was something very bad coming."
Gunn met these ominous words with a weary sigh, "There's ALWAYS something bad coming."
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!