I miss your blue eyes…
Those deep eyes that were a mix of colors that I couldn’t correctly identify. The same eyes I would find myself staring into, falling into them. They beheld all his emotions, his feelings. His eyes were windows to his soul.
He was not a soulless demon, and honestly I don’t think he ever was. Yeah he killed and he tortured but he loved and he had compassion. He took care of Drusilla for centuries and loved her despite her madness. He found that somehow charming.
Soulless? No, Spike was definitely not. Something had happened to him. Something made him special. My slayer side recognized it before my human side did. I don’t know why. Maybe because I had been hurt before and the last thing I wanted was to get involved with another man, let alone another vampire.
Let’s face it, Angel screwed me up. He really did. Slinking about in the shadows, cryptically helping me and then making me fall in love with him. I just thought he was a college guy, I never thought he was years … centuries beyond college. Kissing me in my bedroom only to have his demon come out. What the freaking hell was that?
Still I gave him a chance. My so called love was so great. Making love with him had been … ok. Waking up alone in his bed and finding out he had lost his soul and turned into Angelus – devastating. He kills and tortures my friends and my heart breaks a little more with each incident. My resolve that he needs to die strengthening with each breath. I sent him to hell and still he comes back and what do I do? I forgive him, I help him. I hide him from everyone and help bring him back from his feral state. And then what happens? He fucking leaves.
I shake my head in disgust. Disgust with myself and my actions and for allowing this façade to go on as long as it did.
“The Great Poofter” as Spike not so affectionately called him. I smile as Spike’s voice rumbles through my mind. Along with that smile are tears and I can’t help them as they course down my cheeks.
He’s been gone for weeks now.
I never told you, what I should have said. No I never told you, I just held it in…
Lonely weeks I have spent looking for him. Wondering why the hell he left. And then finally admitting that I already knew.
I know why he left. I know it’s my fault. I just wish I knew where he was. I would forgive him in an instant.
He was the only one I could talk to after being ripped out of heaven. He was the only one who understood and I took advantage of that. He tried everything to make it better for me. And what do I do? I attack him, I take his love for me and turn it into something twisted.
My head hangs and tears are dripping onto the black shirt of his I have held up to my face. Breathing in his scent I sob. Missing him more and more each day.
And now I miss everything about you…
His jokes, his lame comments. His leering looks. The love shining in his eyes. The way he touched me, kissed me at night, held me in his arms. The way he would stare into me as we had sex. How tender he tried to be, to show me what I meant to him.
Stupid ... I am truly stupid. Riley comes back into my life for a brief instance and I kick Spike around. I know I confused him. Confuse … hell I fucked him up. I know this.
Then that scene in the bathroom happened.
Fresh tears trail down my face as I recall the look on his face. The crazed expression in his eyes. It was my fault. I created that craziness, I messed him up good.
He was right. We were good together and yes I did feel something for him. I felt a lot more for him than I cared to admit to him … or myself.
He has been gone for far too long and all I want is for him to come home. All I want is to take him in my arms and tell him how sorry I am. How fucked up I am and that I would do anything to make him see how sorry I was.
I forgive him for that night. I forgave him the minute he walked into the bathroom.
There really is nothing to forgive. Our relationship had been passion and pain. That was a normal night in Sunnydale for us.
Without you…
It’s been 56 days since he’s been gone. And 56 days and nights that I have been coming into his crypt, looking for him. Sitting in his favorite chair, sneaking downstairs to steal his pillow with his scent imprinted on it. Falling asleep clutching his shirt, his jeans … hell anything that smelled like him.
I even cleaned up for him, stocking his fridge with blood. I bought him his favorite brand of whiskey all in the hopes that he would return sooner than later.
Xander and Dawn noticed how withdrawn I had become. I know they think it’s because of Tara’s death and Willow and Giles in England. Of course I’m sad about those things as well. But they don’t compare to the emptiness I feel in my heart.
If they only knew.
My god if they only asked. I’d tell them everything, I pour my heart out. I’d tell them all the gory details and give them hell if they tried to talk me out of the love I feel for Spike.
Spike…
What I wouldn’t give to have him walk through the door now. I wouldn’t even care if he was mad at me, if he asked me to leave and never return… at least he would be home.
I see your blue eyes every time I close mine.
My eyes close as I settle into his chair, his shirt still pressed against my face. I spend most nights here … waiting. Dreaming of his arms around me, his mouth against mine. His soft laughter echoing off the stone walls. His whispered I love you’s when he thinks I’m asleep. His fingers in my hair, his lips pressing soft kisses against my neck.
My breathing starts to even out and I allow sleep to overtake me. Because at least in my dreams I can see him. I can touch him, hug and kiss him. I can tell him that it’s me who is sorry. That I’m the one who needs forgiveness.
I can tell him how very much I love him.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!