~*~
So I know I'm all right
Life will come and life will go
Still I feel it's all right
Cause I just got a letter to my soul
--Indigo Girls
~*~
The bus screeched to a halt, almost throwing Buffy off. With reflexes born from years of Slayer in unusual places, she rolled off the curved top and landed on the ground.
He was gone.
God. It was so hard to accept, even now. He’d died—died knowing that she loved him, died denying that love. He’d died because she had refused to acknowledge that he lived and loved until his existence was about to end.
Irony’s a bitch, innit? She could almost hear Spike’s sarcastic voice talking to her.
She felt something inside her crumble. Never again would she heard Spike’s sarcastic voice. Never again would she see his features twisted into a smirk at something she’d said. She couldn’t ask his opinion, she couldn’t hear his mocking remarks that somehow always made her laugh.
She couldn’t curl up at his side and take solace from his touch.
She closed her eyes in an effort to forget, to shut out the pain and the longing that rushed through her. She kept seeing him, his face fearful yet jubilant at the same time, doing what he had to so that he could keep her safe.
Even after all that had happened, all that she’d done, he was still protecting her. He’d let the world cave in around him, let the sunlight take his soul and his power, all for the sake of making sure that she and her friends got out safely.
Why? she wanted to ask him. Why would you give all that up? His soul, his life, all for a person who’d rejected him up until the very end.
Sometimes she made herself sick.
He’d told her once that she consumed him…that she fed on flesh. She remembered that now, staring at the crater that had once been her home. Hadn’t she profited from his death just now? Everyone—not just her, but all the potentials and all her friends—would have died, if it wasn’t for him, but she had profited the most. If he hadn’t been there to close the Hellmouth, she knew she would have had to do it.
I’m not worth it! she wanted to scream. Why him? Why not me? She’d thought she was helping him by giving him the amulet, thought she was honoring him in a way he deserved—but instead she’d delivered him his doom, prettily disguised as the emblem of a champion.
Everything she’d said, everything she’d done, all of a sudden seemed bitter to her. She’d been so kind this year, so accepting, so very virtuous--too kind and virtuous, according to her friends. And yet it hadn’t been enough, had it? Whoever the hell was in charge up there had still taken him from her.
She wanted to sink to her knees, to let her tears enter the soil. Maybe, after a time, the moisture would make its way to the ashes she knew lay beneath the debris and communicate to him what she could no longer say: I’m sorry. I love you.
Her friends were talking now, trying to permeate the solitude she was fighting to maintain around herself. She didn’t want to talk, didn’t want to speculate. Didn’t even want to rejoice that she was alive. Why rejoice, when the person she’d been living for—whether or not she admitted it to herself—for the past two years was gone?
Her mind was spinning. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here. If it wasn’t for me, he would be here. Not for the first time, though certainly for the last, he’d given up everything for her. To help her, to try to make her calling a little less burdensome.
And that was the difference in the end, wasn’t it? She had a calling. She was—or had been, anyway—the Chosen One, the Slayer, meant to stop all evil, slay vampires, and die young. But he’d intervened. He’d placed himself before her in an effort to keep her from dying, despite the fact that it was her destiny, not his. No matter how vehemently she pushed him away, how hard she tried to convince herself that he didn’t matter, he always stayed, always pushed past her defenses.
Last year, he’d been the only one who didn’t let her shut herself away.
She owed him so much. Her spirit, her life, was his five times over—and now he wasn’t here to collect the debt she owed him.
But she owed him. She was still Slayer enough to recognize that.
What are we gonna do now, Buffy?
There was still so much work to be done, and even after all that had happened, her friends were still looking to her to tell them what to do. Funny how she didn’t even know herself.
But she did know one thing. Spike wouldn’t want her to mope. He wouldn’t want her to cry.
So she did the only thing she could do—the thing that she knew he would want her to do, if he was here to see it. Fighting the tears, she thought, Thank you, Spike.
And then Buffy smiled.
~*~
And when my whole life is on the tip of my tongue
Empty pages for the no longer young
The apathy of time laughs in my face
You say, "Each life has its place…”
--Indigo Girls
~*~
A/N: This is what happens when I have way too much time on my hands and I listen to serious songs that remind me of Spuffy. ^_~ If you’d like to listen to the song, I uploaded it on YouSendIt…the link is only valid for 7 days, but here you go: Indigo Girls—Virginia Woolf. And this note is really only here so that the ficlet will meet the chapter limit...though technically it doesn't have to since it's in the ficlet section. Apologies for the babbling. I think I've met the limit now. Feedback is my crack. *bows and leaves*
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!