Spring of 1997...
I was expecting it. I knew it would happen. That stupid Pandora's Codex -- or whatever it's called -- predicted it, after all.
I died. I actually died.
For all of two minutes, I was clinically dead. Xander brought me back.
... but where was I going to go?
Spring of 1998...
It's his fault. I blame him, and I always will.
The bastard has ruined my life. He just swept in, fucked with my mind, fucked with my boyfriend, and fucked up my life...
But at least he admitted it. He didn't put on airs and pretend to be anything but what he was. I'm starting to notice the difference between the vampire he was, and the non-vampire Angel pretended to be.
I still haven't gotten past the whole 'Killing Angel to save the vapid whore' problem we had. But Spike moved right on past. Didn't stay behind. Took his psychotic slut and left.
Just like he promised he would.
In a way, it makes it easier, and harder all at the same time.
Because he doesn't have to deal with the pain.
Graduation Day, Spring 1999...
It's his fault! It's always Spike's fucking fault! Him with all his talk about how we could never be friends, and how we'd love each other until it killed us.... If he hadn't come tearing back here because his slutty sanity-challenged girlfriend dumped him, spouting on and on about how Angel and I could never last, my stupid boyfriend never would've left me!
I hate Spike. I hate him so fucking much!
-- and that's just without mentioning that he was staring at my boobs half the time, the big, stupid, peroxided pervert!
But the problem is -- he was right.
Angel and I couldn't have lasted. He's got this martyr thing in his head -- he can't be with me physically, so he has to give me up for the greater good of the world.
And that's what it all boils down to -- Angel can't have love without sex. Well, hell, I could! It was only one time, and considering the results last time, I think I can safely say that if the need to remain celibate arises, then I will rise to the occasion. But apparently, Angel thinks that I'm a sex fiend -- that I could only love him if I could fuck him.
Fuck him. Yeah. Fuck him. He left me because he couldn't deal with the fact that I would give up everything for him. So fuck him.
Spike was right.
Sigh. He was right.
Fall of 2000...
I was engaged.
To Spike.
Let me repeat that.
I was engaged to Spike. Period.
I'm going to kill Willow.
It wasn't even nice. Even when we thought we were in love, we were fighting. Me mentioning He Who Shall Walk Out on Me Like a Sanctimonious Prick, and him going off about it... although I can kind of understand why, since the asshole mentioned above screwed up Spike's relationship, too... and then him mentioning the bitch that ruined everything in the first place... or maybe I mentioned her...
I don't remember.
Well, whatever. The point was, I was engaged to that stupid ignorant vampire with his stupid 'luvs' and 'pets' and... and his stupid unnatural hair, and his stupid English accent, and his stupid blue eyes and was he really that disgusted by my kiss? Because it's not like I can bitch about it considering how I reacted after the spell broke...
Okay. That whole rant might've been believable if I hadn't mentioned the eyes.
God, those incredible blue eyes...
Late Winter/Early Spring 2001...
I kissed him.
Voluntarily.
After every disgusting thing he's done, after every cruel thing he's said, and what he did to me...
And it was nothing like last year's kisses. Those kisses were consuming, brought on by a spell that Willow claims only stated that we get married. But that's silly, because plenty of couples got married in the past without... the L-word between them. The only reason he proposed in the first place was because of that stupid spell, otherwise we would have been at each other's throats.
And he was cruel. He was a vile, crass, disgusting bastard, making innuendoes, butting his nose in where it didn't belong -- he even destroyed my relationship with Riley... Although I guess that was doomed from the start.
And now, I can't even hide my feelings behind those things anymore. Not after Spike hit Tara, knowing that his chip would fire, and he'd be hurt, too, just to save her from her crazy family. Not after he'd willingly taken in my mother and Dawn to protect them from the Über bitch... not after nearly, yet voluntarily, getting himself killed, for Dawn... because he couldn't bear to see me in pain... no matter what I felt for him...
I kissed him. Voluntarily. Willingly. Most definitely not under a spell.
And I liked it.
Summer of 2002...
There's a lot of things that I've said and done this year that I greatly regret.
I ignored Dawn. My beautiful little sister, the same innocent girl that I gave my life for -- I ignored her existence.
My friends -- the ones who pulled me out of Heaven with the foolish notion that there was actually anywhere else my soul would be -- Christ, I'm a fucking Slayer! I put my life aside in order to do good things, whether I wanted to or not, for six fucking years!
And they actually assumed that I would be sent to Hell.
And when they brought me back, it was like nothing had changed -- I still let them dictate my life, my decisions for me. I lived in fear of what would happen if they found out who I truly was inside.
That I was a monster. That I was as much of a monster as I accused Spike of being. The only one who understood. The only one who even cared.
What I did was nothing compared to what I said... to him. When it all mattered the most.
I suppose first would be "I was happy. Wherever I was, I was happy." Because that let him know that I trusted him. I didn't tell any of my "friends" that I'd been in Heaven, but I told him, and that destroyed the first wall in my heart right there. It let him into my feelings, my secrets, my life -- let him in and let him know me.
Of course, he already knew me. I just let him in more.
Second... the "convenient" line. Because he wasn't. He was inconvenient. His whole existence is a fucking inconvenience. He's --
I didn't mean it. I was spastic and hurt, and half out of my mind. I didn't mean to say it.
Third... "I'm using you." Or maybe it's not so much that line, as the actual action. I used him up and twisted him out. I broke him, and all he wanted was to love me, to be there for me, to help me. It's the most awful thing I have ever done in my life. He didn't deserve it. Any of it. Because he's been used and abused his entire life. And that, coupled with my words and actions over the past year, have finally made him believe that he's useless, disgusting, and not fit for human contact... not fit for love.
And that was the biggest lie I told.
Excuse me. Second biggest.
Fourth: calling him William when I ended it. Because to see that broken, miserable, hurt look in his beautiful eyes just told him that what little humanity he did have as a demon, I was rejecting.
Fifth: I made him believe that 'no' meant 'yes.'
And finally... Sixth.
Sixth... I didn't give him a chance. Everything he said he knew about my feelings for him -- he was right.
And now he's gone.
I wish I'd told him.
And so you see -- that was the biggest lie of all.
Spring/Summer of 2003...
He's gone. He's really gone.
My secret; my soul mate; my peace; my strength; my protector, my biggest champion, my lover... my love...
He was so much to me. He was everything to me. And he's dead.
Spike died today.
Spike saved the world.
But he didn't believe me.
I waited too long to say it, and he didn't believe me.
And he's not coming back.
I'm such a fool.
Winter of 2003-2004...
Europe has suddenly lost it's appeal.
L.A. called. Angel did. Or it might've been Angel. Somebody did. It might have been Wesley. It might have been Willow's friend Fred. I can't remember.
All I know is that I'm going back. Now.
I have to.
I should have known by now -- no one from Sunnydale stays dead. I couldn't, Angel couldn't... why should I have thought Spike was any different?
I'm half in shock... and half jumping for joy, like Dawn behind me who is screaming gleefully, and Andrew who is joining her in an impromptu dance of happiness. Dawn never forgave him... never said she was sorry...
And now she can.
Because he's back.
Oh, thank the Powers... he came back.
End.