A Different Ending
My body wracked with sobs when I hit the pillow. The whole way home, I tried to keep from crying. I wasn't doing a good job because, when I got home, Tara took a look at me and asked me what was wrong. I just ran up the stairs and into my room, and now I'm here. Crying. Over Spike.
“Why was that so hard?” I asked myself, even though I knew the reply.
“Because you love him.”The reply was clear as a bell, but I didn't want to believe it.
I sobbed even harder. "No!" I said out loud." That can't happen. I can't love another vampire!"
"But you do," that annoying voice in my head said again.
"I can't! I can't! I can't! I can't!" I cried hard into the pillow. The silence in my room was deafening. It made everything worse. I felt like I couldn't breathe; that my light was gone, because it was.
My mind was spinning. I wanted two completely different things.
It was the Slayer inside verses Buffy. I was fighting myself.
The Slayer in me wanted to stay like I was. Not to cry; to stay strong and make him feel bad, like he doesn't deserve me.
"Which he doesn't."
The Non-Slayer me wanted to run into his arms and tell him everything that I feel. To be able to tell him that I--
"I don't!" I screamed. I mean, I couldn't, right?
"Why did you break up with him, you idiot? Was it because Riley showed up? Or maybe, just maybe, you‘re afraid that he'll leave you, and that would have to mean-"
"NO!" I shouted, cutting off that annoying voice. That Non-Slayer part of me that wanted nothing more than to be with him right now. Crying harder now, because I knew that what it was going to say would be true.
"Buffy?" Tara's concerned voice asked from the doorway.
I didn't reply. I just kept crying.
Tara came over to me and asked worriedly, "Buffy! Are you okay? Does this have something to do with Spike? He didn't hurt you did he?"
"No, I h-hurt him...I hurt him really bad," I replied shakily.
"What happened?" she asked with concern.
"I broke up with him. I don't know why I did. I don't know why it hurts: why does it hurt Tara?" I sobbed, still not looking at her.
"Because, maybe...you love him? It's okay if you do, Buffy. He's a good guy. I know for one, he loves you."
I cried, picking my head up, then looking at her, I said, "I don't! I can't! He shouldn't! Why, does he love me! How can he love? Why would he? I've been so horrible to him, and yet..."
I paused, taking a deep breath before continuing, "but yet, he still looks at me like, like he loves me, like I'm his angel or something. How can he do that though? I'm so horrible to him!"
"Buffy," she grabbed me and let me cry into her shoulder before continuing, "you got it all wrong. You do love him, you can love him, and he should love you. He loves you because he knows you really well. He can love because he's special. He would love you because, he knows you. You're a lovable person, Buffy. He cherishes you, and he doesn't think he deserves you when he does. That's the kind of guy who does deserve you anyway."
I reflected on what she said, but a few moments later, I heard Willow come in.
"What's going on? I heard crying. Buffy!" Willow's voice was panicked.
I remained silent, letting the tears flow out of my eyes, listening closely to what they where saying.
Tara spoke rapidly, "Will, go get Spike."
"What?" Willow asked, not believing what she was hearing.
"Please?" Tara begged.
I could feel Willow's eyes on me as she said, "Oh, my, God! He did something to her didn't he?"
"Willow! Please." Tara pleaded.
"Right, no questions; got it, going now."
"It's okay Buffy, Spike will be here soon, " Tara cooed softly.
Willow came up a few moments later to say that Spike was here, and Tara said to send him up. While I heard all this going on, it didn't register until Tara's shoulder was replaced with a firm pair of black leather clad arms and the scent of old leather.
Spike was here, with me.
" It's okay, love, shh. I'm here; I'm not leaving you. Shh, pet, shh." He repeatedly said those words over and over until I gathered up the strength and looked at him.
"How can you still be so wonderful after what I said to you? You should hate me..."
"Easy. I can't hate you, pet. I-- do you want me to hate you?" he asked softly.
"It might make things easer," I admitted.
Spike laughed a little. "Well looks like its the hard way for us, love."
After a few moments of silence, I spoke again.
"I didn't mean it," I said quietly.
"Didn't mean what?"
"What I said. Well most of it was just talk. Like when I said that I couldn't love you, that was a lie--no where near the truth."
"Really?"
"Yeah, but I said it to make it real. I didn't-- I don't wanna have my heart broken; turns out it didn't help me evade anything." I looked into his bright blue eyes, and they showed honesty, compassion, and love. And that
scared me.
"I'm afraid," I said quietly, looking away from his loving gaze.
"You don't need to be, love."
"I know, but I still am."
He sighed and held me close; it was comforting. I was being protected and it made me feel safe; it made me feel like I was loved.
Soon, I stopped crying enough and scooted over to sit in his lap. He held me there, shielding me from the world that I didn't ask to come back to, or even be in.
I looked back up at him and said, "I think I love you."
His eyes lit up and I kissed him, realizing that yeah, I'm gonna be okay; as long as I have my shelter.
The End
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!