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CHAPTER 2: Reruns
9 am. Anya had left half an hour ago to go to work and Xander was now sitting on his couch, eating Captain Crunch right out of the box. It was Saturday morning, he had the day off, but couldn’t come up with anything to kill the boredom that had already settled over him in this early hour. Going back to sleep came to mind, but the empty bed didn’t appeal to him one bit. Saturday morning cartoons? Yeah, that’d be the smart choice. He stared at the remote sitting on top of the TV while munching his cereal noisily, but didn’t make a move to go get it. Without really making a conscious decision, Xander got up and made his way to the computer room. He turned the computer on and sat in front of it, waiting for the thing to come to life.
“Hi, the name’s Harris… Xander Harris. And I’m a creepy little perv who enjoys watching his friends fight, fuck, and fight some more.” He said derisively under his breath.
His desktop wallpaper finally appeared on the screen. Snoopy doing the Snoopy dance. As always, he couldn’t help but smile. It seemed so innocent. Especially considering what he used the computer for.
Xander put in his password--wouldn’t do for Anya to find out about his new hobby--and his own settings appeared. All kinds of web games, some Star War stuff, most of which was already in the computer from the previous owners, and there, in the corner, the little camera icon.
**Come on Harris, do it. Just delete everything and be done with it. If someone finds out, you’ll lose your friends, you’ll lose Anya… **
Taking a deep breath, he dragged the mouse to the documents icon, then opened the video folder. A long list of videos appeared on the screen. They were classified by date, all the way down to the newest. He had even given them titles. He looked at the very first one. It was called: Harris, king of denial. Xander chuckled. Not only did he love this one, but he was actually in it. Though he had been clueless about it at the time, as usual.
Unable to resist, Xander clicked on the video. He just wanted to see it again before deleting it for good.
The screen was black for a few seconds, then Spike appeared and Xander watched as the now familiar scene unfolded in front of his eyes.
The blonde vampire was sitting in his armchair, then looked up when the door crashed open. Xander gave an amused chuckle as Spike looked around, a confused expression on his face, calling out for the ghost to show itself. That was pure comedy material.
Spike flew into a wall and his shirt was ripped open by invisible hands.
Xander fast forwarded through the trashing of the crypt until Spike was in his basement, seemingly alone, his arms wrapped around nothing. That’s what Buffy had wanted to be back then… Nothing. And maybe she still wanted that. It was hard to tell.
Even knowing that Buffy had been torn out of heaven, Xander hadn’t really understood what was going on with her before seeing her interact with the vampire. He wasn’t really good at psychology, especially not at understanding issues caused by something as unusual as being resurrected. But watching the videos had helped him understand her more.
She was damaged. Damaged by something they had done to her. And the only one she was willing to show the wreckage to was Spike. When she was with her friends, she was fooling them by showing a carefully crafted façade. A beautiful lie meant to make them believe that she was fine. That she was back to being good old Buffy. But it wasn’t true. And thanks to this invasion of privacy Xander was doing, he knew the truth. Buffy was desperately trying to come to terms with life, and she wasn’t coping well. Invisible Buffy was the best example and it broke Xander’s heart to realize it.
The videos. They were not only about getting off watching his friends having sex. It was about watching Buffy drowning on the screen and praying that she’d make it to the surface. Because he had caused it. And if she didn’t make it, it would be his fault. So he kept watching, hoping that maybe next time, Spike would get through to her and save her.
He watched through teary eyes as Spike carefully made love to the ghost of the Slayer. He was moving like a snake, the muscles of his back tensing and releasing as he dived into her rhythmically. The white sheet was barely covering the blonde vampire’s ass, and his arms were straining to keep him from crushing the girl beneath him. That’s when Xander walked in, interrupting them without even realizing it.
“What are you doing?” The Xander on the screen asked.
“What does it look like I’m doing…” Spike said, clearly embarrassed, and looking for a good answer. “Exercising.”
“In bed?.. Naked?”
Xander laughed out loud, his hilarity resonating in the empty apartment.
**Holy Moses, I can’t believe just how clueless I am! There I was, looking for invisible Buffy, and I caught Spike in bed having sex with invisible girl and I didn’t make the connection? His ear was moving on its own for Christ sake!**
Xander shook his head, still not believing his own stupidity but able to make fun of himself.
**It proves that when you don’t want to see something that’s right in front of you…**
No, he really hadn’t wanted to see it. He still remembered his reaction the very first time he’d witnessed an encounter of the steamy kind between the two blondes. The shock, the anger, the disgust, mixed with the curiosity. He had wanted to throw the computer out the window, and at the same time, hadn’t been able to take his eyes away from the screen. He hated the mere idea of them together, but watching them was the most beautifully erotic, yet disturbing thing he'd ever seen. And before he knew it, he was too engrossed in their violent and desperate embrace to look away. The heat between the two. No, not heat, not sparks. Flames. They were fucking each other with a passion that was almost hypnotizing.
That night, Xander had stayed awake all night trying to convince himself that he was disgusted by what he’d seen. But he couldn’t. He had stayed away from the computer for three days, trying to believe that it had never happened and that he never wanted to see it again. He had failed. Obviously. When he had turned the machine back on again, he justified it by telling himself he wanted to make sure it had been a one time deal and Buffy hadn’t done it again. But the truth was, he wanted to see what would happen next.
It was like watching a soap. You bitch, you complain about the acting, the poor writing, the lame plot… but next thing you know, you're watching it again. And again. Until you're too addicted to miss an episode. You develop a fondness for the characters, and you hope that things will get better between them. That's what happened to Xander.
He had gone from hating Spike’s guts, to feeling sorry for him and realizing that he really did love Buffy. After seeing the way she treated the vampire, Xander had a new found respect for Spike. The vampire was willing to take everything she threw at him patiently, all the pain she was causing him, just to try to help her deal with her own pain. If that wasn‘t love…
And Buffy. The girl was such an emotional mess. He couldn’t even blame her for acting so screwed up and only hoped that she’d wake up before it was too late. Before she’d manage to push yet another man away from her. And Xander knew that she loved Spike. A few times, when the blonde vampire had his back turned or wasn’t there to witness it, Xander had seen the look in Buffy’s eyes. Sadness, pain, love, and self-hatred fighting to come out all at once.
He wondered quite a few times why she was doing this and came up with different theories but only her knew. It almost looked like she was trying to prove herself something. Prove that life wasn’t worth living, that happiness wasn't possible, that men always left her, that she wasn't worthy of anybody's love. Not even the love of a vampire. Xander hoped that Spike figured it out too and wouldn’t give her the satisfaction of being right.
The video had come to an end after Spike kicked Buffy out. Xander dragged the curser to the file menu and down to delete. He couldn’t click it. He ran his fingers wearily through his thick brown hair and sighed.
**Maybe I’ll just keep this one** He thought, then rolled his eyes.
He knew he’d keep them all and keep watching. The Buffy and Spike Variety Hour was now his favorite show and there was nothing he could do about that.
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A/N: Liked it? Don't be shy... tell me!
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!