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Hey look, guys! It's not an all-human fic! HAVE I LOST MY MIND? No. I have found it. For the record and for the sake of this story, Buffy is aware of Spike in a wheelchair, Jenny Calendar is alive, and Spike is hot. Oh wait, ignore that last part. Anyway, I hope you like the first chapter and while there's not much to go on yet, I hope my readers have faith that YES there will be smut and YES there will be some funny and NO THERE WILL BE NO SPIKE/OTHER BUFFY/OTHER. Just a bunch of evil banter, mean jibes and finally the sexy time.
I am well-aware that there are a-jillion road-trip fics out there, but God bless, I love them so much. So here's mine, dammit. Wheelchair Spike and bad-driving Buffy...what's not to love about that? WHAT, I ASK YOU? Anyway. Your reviews and input, as always, are much appreciated. Thank you, carry on.
“I’m not doing this until we find a way to get Angel’s soul back, I’m not!” Buffy said sternly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
Giles sighed and pointed to the text in his book with his glasses. “This is not up for debate! The ritual takes place in three weeks and we have no guarantee that we can return Angel’s soul in time. Angel is not an option!”
“Then who is, Giles? You tell me what other vampire is out there that we can trust! I’m not driving across the United States with a soulless vampire, apocalypse or no. Angel is all we have.”
“No. What we have is Angelus. Buffy, I know that you’re upset but we must look at the bigger picture.”
“Here’s me, looking at the bigger picture. I say, let’s all research our butts off until we figure out a way to return Angel’s soul. That should be our top priority anyway! And then, he can come with me to Maryland, we’ll kick this James Caan-“
“Whatever! This…Vinkaan’s ass, destroy the stone and be back before school starts up again.”
“Buffy,” Giles rubbed the bridge of his nose. He braced himself for this next bit of news, knowing that the Slayer would be none too pleased with their only alternative. “We must consider the fact that we might not be successful in restoring Angel’s soul. Be that as it may, there is another master vampire who might prove useful.”
Buffy’s eyes grew wide and her mouth dropped open. “Oh, no, Mister! No, no, no! You are not suggesting what I think you are suggesting.”
“Well, he is in a wheelchair…how much harm could he possibly cause?”
“Last time I checked, his arms and fangs are still in working order! I am not taking Spike on a road trip to save the world.”
Giles snorted at the visual, though the Slayer was not finding anything about this humorous. “It would be rather interesting to see you wheeling him into the cave,” he chuckled again. “I wonder if it’s an electronic wheelchair with a tiny joy-stick!”
“I’m sorry, it’s just,” the raucous laughter echoed through the library, “You’re right, that was tasteless.”
Buffy waited for Giles to settle down before she continued. “Can we get back to the part of the story where you’re completely crazy for thinking that Spike would even agree to it, let alone be our best option?”
“The ritual calls for a Slayer and a master vampire to disenchant the stone. Would you rather we ask Drusilla?”
Buffy shuddered. “A world of no.” She sighed, her resolve dropping in the face of reality. “How do you know that Spike will even agree to this?”
“The art of persuasion, Buffy.” Giles grinned madly and walked to the back of the library. When he returned, he clumsily dropped a bundle of rope, two cross bows, duct tape and an axe.
“Wow. Yeah, that’ll do it. But even if we kidnap him, who’s to say he’ll recite the spell?”
“Simple. We pay him.”
Buffy stomped through the graveyard on her way to the mansion, clenching a stake in one fist and a cross-bow in the other. Giles was in tow with the rope draped over his shoulders and the additional cross-bow in his hands.
“I hate this. I hate this whole plan.”
“I’m not fond of it either Buffy, but we have no choice.”
“Well, let’s pray that Spike goes along with this because if he doesn’t, he is so dust.”
The Watcher and the Slayer stealthily snuck up to the mansion to stake out their surroundings. It was just after nightfall and they hoped that Angelus and Drusilla would be leaving soon to hunt, giving them ample opportunity to discuss matters with Spike. Buffy motioned for Giles to join her by a window. They peered inside and both gasped at the sight before them. Giles blushed and Buffy fought off the urge to puke. Angelus and Drusilla were preoccupied in the carnal nature while Spike sat in a corner behind them. He looked miserable.
“Dear Lord,” Giles gasped. “Well, that’s an image that will stay in my mind forever.”
Buffy closed her eyes, trying to remind herself that the vampire currently bending Drusilla over the bed was not her boyfriend, but an evil demon. It wasn’t an easy thing to stomach and so instead she focused on the blond vamp who sat sulking in a corner. She couldn’t help but feel for him then. She’d only caught a glimpse and there he was, getting the IMAX with surround-sound feature. How often was he forced to put up with his sire and his grandsire’s intimate coupling? She knew for a fact how much he loved Drusilla and by the look on his face, he was devastated. It just didn’t seem right to see him so depressed and weak. While she hated his unliving guts, she admired his cocky attitude and though she never admitted it out loud, he was the best fighter she’d ever gone up against. In fact, she got a secret thrill from a good brawl with the peroxide vampire. He must have really been in bad shape to not even be protesting what they were doing…and she almost felt guilty for being the sole reason he was in that state to begin with. Almost.
“Poor Spike,” she said with a frown.
“You aren’t sympathizing with him, are you?”
“No!” she said all too quickly. “I just…I mean, look at him.”
Giles furrowed his brow as he studied him. “He does look rather pathetic. Perhaps his sour mood will work in our favor.”
“How can you say that? That’s horrible.”
Giles’ mouth opened to say something in regards to the Slayer’s compassion towards Spike, but he shook that thought away and said, “It appears they are…finished.” He was referring to the two master vampires who were now dressing themselves and heading out of the mansion. “Let’s wait for them to be well out of sight and then we’ll enter.”
Buffy and Giles hid behind the bushes and watched as Drusilla and Angelus walked away, laughing together like old lovers. Buffy’s jaw clenched and she took a deep breath. Giles gave her a comforting smile and she softened slightly. She didn’t think she’d ever get used to seeing him like that, knowing what he used to mean to her. And if they never restored his soul, perhaps her hatred of Angelus was a good thing because one day, she’d have to stake him.
They quickly walked inside the mansion and made their way to the room where Spike was. Buffy put her ear against the door and listened for a moment to make sure it was safe to enter. The noises coming from inside made her breath hitch and she gave her watcher a worried look.
“What?” he mouthed silently.
“I think…he’s crying,” she whispered. She blinked and put her ear to the door again. Surely she was mistaken. Vampires didn’t cry. However, that turned out to be one big fat myth because no one could mistake the sound of a broken man sobbing his eyes out. “I think we should come back later,” Buffy said nervously and stepped away from the door, feeling a mixture of emotions that she wasn’t ready to name yet. Sympathy for your enemy was never a good thing. But she couldn’t ignore the pang in her chest from that awful sound, knowing that if Giles were gone, she’d be doing the same. She saved her tears for bed time and therefore, hadn’t slept well since that night, the night Angel took her virginity away and broke her heart. Angelus caused too many people too much pain and in that way, she found herself relating to Spike. Spike, of all things…
“We don’t have time, Buffy. Now or never,” he whispered.
She sighed and nodded, knowing that they had no other choice and she opened the door, both of them raising their crossbows and aiming as they walked inside. Spike’s head jerked upwards and he wiped at his eyes while trying to wheel himself away. “Of course it’s the bloody Slayer and her Watcher! Well, isn’t this just typical! Dusting a helpless vamp when mum and gramps are away!” He wheeled himself into a corner frantically, looking around the room for something to protect himself with.
“Spike,” Buffy said calmly, “We’re not here to kill you.”
He rolled his reddened eyes and snorted. “Mind explaining the medieval armory then?”
“It’s precautionary in case you try something funny,” Giles said, pointing the arrow at the vampire and took a step forward.
“Try something funny, he says. Oh, what…like pop a wheelie? Do a donut about the room? Perhaps I could try my best Stephen Hawking impersonation? In case you haven’t noticed, Ripper, I’m in a bloody wheelchair, no thanks to her!” He said pointedly, glaring at the Slayer.
Giles scowled and took another step forward but Buffy put her hand on his chest. She turned towards the vampire and said, “Look, about that whole…organ falling on you thing. Um…sorry?” She shrugged her shoulders sheepishly.
Spike laughed humorlessly. “The hell you are.”
“Well, I mean…Slayer here,” she said pointing to herself. “Kinda my job description to take out the fanged ones.”
“As thrilling as it is to gab with you wankers about old times, mind getting to the point? And by point, I don’ mean one of those wooden things you have tucked in your belt.” Spike’s hands rested casually on the wheels of his chair, plotting his escape. If they so much as made a move, he had a 50/50 chance of high-tailing it out of the room. Probably wouldn’t make it, but he’d dust trying.
“Right, the point,” she said with a sigh and walked over to the bed, sitting down on a spot that wasn’t previously contaminated with her ex-boyfriend and the crazy vampire. “We need your help.”
Spike laughed loudly. “You’re off your rocker if you think I’d ever help you. I’ll save you from a big waste of time and tell you right now, the answer is no.”
“I have a cross bow pointed directly at your heart that tells me differently,” Giles said sternly. “Will you not even listen to our terms?”
“Nope. Sorry. Spike’s out of business for the moment,” he said patronizingly and lit a cigarette, casual as you please. If they needed his help, he was confident they weren’t going to dust him and so his demeanor became a bit more relaxed.
“Or…we could just tie you to your chair and take you anyway,” Buffy said nonchalantly.
“Why Slayer,” he sneered, “Always took you for the bondage type.”
“Ok, ew? And shut up. As much as I hate saying it, you’re the only one who can help us.”
Spike smiled and exhaled a thick ribbon of smoke. “Is that right? Need the ol’ big bad to help stop some nasty that’s plannin’ on…let me guess…an apocalypse?”
“Precisely,” she answered. “Giles, make with the history lesson.”
“Right. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the Githyan demons or not, but their leader, Vinkaan, has obtained the stone of Tir’Suk. They plan on using the stone to open up the Astral Plane to unleash their demons unto our world, thereby destroying all of mankind.”
“Oh yeah, the Githyans. Ugly bastards, they are.”
“So you’re familiar with them?”
“Never fought one before but I know they’re telepathic and use telekinesis to fight their enemies. You’re in for a real treat with those wankers.”
“You mean…WE are in for a treat,” Buffy said pointedly. “Because you’re coming with me.”
“I bloody well am not! Again, I bring to your attention the fact that I’m in a bleeding wheelchair an’ completely useless in a fight.”
“I don’t need you to fight them. I need you to help me disenchant the stone.”
“Why not bring one of your little Scoobies with you? Why me?”
“Because,” Giles sighed, already exhausted from this conversation, “the ritual to disenchant the stone of Tir’Suk requires both a Slayer and a master Vampire.”
“Oh, I get it,” Spike said angrily. “Because Captain Forehead’s turned evil, I’m second choice. Well you can just piss off, you tosser!”
“Do not talk to me that way!” Giles spat and started to lunge for the blond vamp, apocalypse be damned.
“Giles!” Buffy shouted. This was not going well at all and Angelus and Drusilla might be returning at any minute. They were getting nowhere fast and she had a feeling that Spike was counting on the delay to save his own ass. So she opted for a different tactic. “Can you give us a second?”
“I’m not leaving you alone with…with that thing!”
Buffy rolled her eyes and Spike snorted. “I think I can handle it. You were all gunning for me to go on a road trip with him by myself, what’s the difference now?”
Giles sighed. “Very well. But I’ll be just outside this door should you need me.”
Buffy saluted him and waited for Giles to leave before turning back to the vampire. She frowned as she noticed him leering at her. “What?”
“Nothing,” he said grinning. “So, tell me how you’re going to level with me one on one.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Look. I’m not happy about this situation either, but would you really be better off here in this mansion? I mean…I heard you crying.”
“I was not crying!” He shouted.
“Yes you were.”
“I was not!”
“Look, I don’t blame you. I mean, I’d go crazy if I had to see…well, that all the time.”
“You don’ know what the bloody hell you’re talking about,” he said through clenched teeth. “Not another word about that, you hear me?”
“Fine. But you just ask yourself this. Would you rather sit here by yourself every night until you eventually heal, having to watch your sires doing that thing that I’m not supposed to talk about, or…come on an awesome all expenses paid road trip to Maryland?” Oh, she was really pushing her luck with the chipper voice, but he’d brought her to this level. If he refused at this point, she was going to use her fists next. She was planning on using brute force to begin with but the stupid vampire had to screw up her plans by showing human emotion and crying. Damn him.
Spike scratched his chin and narrowed his eyes. He hated the bitch with all his undead heart, but he was absolutely miserable having to hear Angelus stick it to his woman every night and mock him. Plus, he hadn’t even been fed in a few days and he knew the white hats were too good to let him go without blood. But negotiations were in order and if he played his cards right, perhaps he could have Slayer on the menu by the end of it and win his dark princess back in the process. Oh yes, this could be very good indeed.
“What’s in it for me?”
Buffy smiled, knowing that she had him. “Money.”
“How much?” he asked. His ears perked up to his favorite word next to ‘sex’ and ‘violence’.
“Two thousand. And that doesn’t include hotel stay, blood or…whatever else vampires need to survive.”
“Two grand, eh? An’ I guess you’ll want me to bag it for the duration?”
“Well, yeah. I’m not going to let you kill while you’re with me.”
"Not like I could anyway. How long?”
“Two weeks, maybe two and a half tops. Depending on how much Githyan ass I have to kick.”
Spike pouted. He wanted to kick some Githyan ass, too. Maybe if he healed in time… “All right. But I want a guarantee that I won’ be killed an’ that no one finds out about this. Got a reputation, you know.”
“I can live with that. Truce?”
They shook hands and Buffy wheeled Spike out of the mansion, hoping to God that this wasn’t going to be a mistake. Spike was grinning like mad. Two weeks alone with the Slayer. Oh, she was in for a treat. After all, he hadn’t had a bath in a while and wondered if she’d worked that out in her cute little head yet. Things were about to get very interesting.
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