CHAPTER 1
Dismal weather suited Buffy's mood, and seeing as how it was November in England, dismal weather was what she was getting. It seemed as if she had a permanent cold and she couldn't remember the last time her coat had been dry. Dawn's whining was reaching epic proportions too, and that didn't help the headache or the aches and pains either. She was relieved when the clock finally read 6:30 p.m. and she could escape the stuffy house that Giles had reluctantly purchased when it became clear that Buffy and Dawn were not just visiting him for a couple of weeks.
It was inevitable, really. Rome hadn't been working out - for her, at least; Dawn loved it - and Buffy had spent many hours sobbing on the phone to Willow, running up thousands of lira in bills that Giles had ended up paying off. She'd done a little waitressing while in Rome, just to show that she was willing to work and be an adult, but she had been so distracted while serving up gelato and tiny cups of super strength coffee that more often than not, she gave the order to the wrong customer. Still, it had been on her resume so she'd used it to her advantage, and was now working as a bar assistant-cum-waitress at a pub pretending to be upmarket with the slightly hyped up name of ‘Mandi's Meeting Place' that was located about a half mile away from Giles' house in West London.
Her shift was due to start so she lethargically dragged on her dark clothes and tied her hair back in a tidy ponytail. As an afterthought, she grabbed a couple of stakes and shoved them in her pocket, wrapped a bright scarf around her neck and headed for the door. She preferred to walk to the pub, refusing to bum a ride from Giles, as it gave her time to think. Although, maybe that wasn't such a good thing.
Thinking always led to one thing; well, one person. A damned, infuriating vampire who had managed to worm his way inside her heart despite every fibre of her being trying to keep him out. Spike.
Buffy gritted her teeth and willed the tears to go away. For some reason, tonight it was hard for her to keep it together; she'd been tearful all day, monosyllabic in response to Dawn's attempts at conversation and eventually her sister had given up, leaving her to her own amusements. Deep into self torture, Buffy had sat cross-legged on her bed and tipped out the contents of the duffle that she'd salvaged from the school bus. Her fingers caressed the items one by one, cataloguing them mentally: this was his journal, these his words; he touched this page, swept his fingers over the smooth surface. These splodges are his tears, his heart poured out on this page. This was his ring, he gave me this when Willow's spell made us believe we were in love...before we knew we were in love. This was his shirt; I wore it that last night in Sunnydale, his scent woven into the fibres but fading every day. He drew this picture of me, saw me this way...
By the time she'd finished, she'd been a wreck, not even attempting to eat the meal that Dawn had made for her, and her sister had wisely backed off, although Buffy had heard mumbling in the hallway that gave away the fact that Dawn was reporting back to Giles on her lack of nourishment. She'd no doubt receive a lecture about that very soon.
On her way to the pub, Buffy tried to recall previous Giles lectures, all of them well meant, no doubt, but lectures nonetheless. She supposed she'd miss them if they weren't delivered, but the ones regarding her moving on and forgetting all about Spike were the worst. Those were the ones that had her screaming at him, purple in the face, and dangerously near to using her super strength to do some serious damage. In fact, a number of fragile items had suffered at her hands and the house had become far less cluttered as a result. Giles had started to back off before she got to the screaming stage, but she noted the disappointment in his eyes and felt guilty. He meant well...
The walk to the pub was uneventful, as ever. Buffy pushed on the door and entered the brightly lit interior, checking out the clientele as she walked through to the back. Not many in tonight, but it was early yet. Thursdays always started slow but by the time the theatre crowd had been to see their favourite actors and were desperate to eat and giggle about a time well spent, the bar would fill up. It kept her busy, and that was all good. Her first task was to check with the kitchen what was on the menu and she shared a joke and a coffee with Gino as he told her to try to push the prawns as they were close to going bad and he wanted them finished off tonight if at all possible. Buffy said she would, marvelling that this was what her life had become. It reminded her of the time she'd gone to LA, christened herself Anne and waited tables in the rundown diner. She'd been trying to forget a man then, too...
Seven-thirty rolled around, time to dim the lights a little and get the mood music thumping. Buffy opened the cash register and took out a couple of coins heading to the jukebox and selecting music at random. She was keying in the three digit numbers absently while scanning for more songs, but stopped, her fingers hovering, her mouth open on a gasp as she focused on the title that had just popped up. I Wanna Be Sedated - The Ramones. Her heart clenched in her chest and she felt sick as she remembered the date that wasn't a date that Spike had arranged oh so long ago. She longed to be able to go back and instead of shooting him down in flames and mocking him, she'd grab him, hold him tight, kiss him and tell him how much she loved him. How blind she'd been for so long, and now it was all too late.
The pounding beat of the song took over the rhythm of her heart, every thump painful as she moved on autopilot, setting coasters on tables and taking orders. She was relieved when it ended, but sad, as it was another connection to her vampire now gone. Buffy decided that tomorrow she would seek out all the Ramones songs she could find and immerse herself in them, anything to feel close to him.
Damn him.
Dawn sighed with relief when she heard Buffy close the front door behind her. The situation with her big sis was getting out of hand. Giles, luckily for him, was able to escape to the Council every day, thus missing out on the worst of Buffy's... whatever it was she was going though. The same couldn't be said for her, and she felt helpless in the face of Buffy's failure to deal with Spike's death. Dawn couldn't wait for the next semester of school to start so she could get away too. Giles wouldn't even speak to her about it; every time Dawn brought up the subject of Spike, he shut down and stuttered so much she thought he was having an apoplexy, and she'd had to look that word up in a thesaurus. Willow was away on a retreat with the coven - again - and Xander was so caught up in learning to be a mini-Giles that she got no sense out of him. That left Dawn to deal with it by herself and she'd had enough. Time to get the Scoobies back together and doing what they did best. Solving a monster crisis.
She thought that Buffy fit the description of a monster right about now...
Decision made, Dawn reached for her phone and made a few calls. She did sort of make it seem a little more urgent, maybe, than it really was, and there were a few tears and whines - but she had to use everything in her arsenal. Whatever, it worked. Xander agreed to come and chat the following night and when she eventually got hold of Willow, having left numerous voicemail messages, the witch agreed that she'd cut short her retreat and head home in time to meet up with the Scoobs. Such as they were, at least. The heart appeared to have been ripped out of the group with the demise of Sunnydale, the once close friends scattered and distant.
Dawn was determined to rectify that, believing that giving Buffy something familiar might just snap her out of her fog of Spike yearning. She had to do something, or Buffy was going to go insane and take everybody else with her into madness. It wasn't as if Dawn could just go get Spike and hand him to Buffy, but at this point....
Oh why hadn't she thought to keep hold of that resurrection spell she'd got from Tara after her mom...but no; that was bad, and anyway, it probably wouldn't work on a vampire. Still, she might suggest it to Willow as a last resort. No, scratch that - there lay a world of bad. But if she couldn't get Spike, maybe she could get something Spike-like?
Now there's a plan.
The door opening again heralded Giles arrival, and Dawn pounced on him before he could sidestep the kitchen and head upstairs. She dragged him into the kitchen and seated him at the table, ignoring his protests that he was far too busy and must get on.
"I have to speak to you, Giles. It's important."
Giles removed and polished his glasses, shifting on his chair uncomfortably. The cause was revealed when he stammered out, "Is...is Buffy here?"
"No, she's gone to work. But it is about her."
Giles sagged with relief. He really couldn't deal with Buffy right now; it would only take a pout and a sorrowful glance and he'd be dead - quite literally, probably. At least he'd be able to escape for tonight, and maybe tomorrow he'd think of something else. "Oh, right. That's good, then. And...sorry, you said...Buffy?"
Dawn started speaking before he had a chance to change his mind. "Willow and Xander are coming over tomorrow while Buffy's at work and I want you to be here too. This can't go on, Giles. It's driving me crazy and I'm the one stuck with her most of the time. It's alright for the rest of you, you're never around. So while you're off making with a real life, I have to try and make sure she eats and that the radio's not tuned to a punk station and that there's nothing lying about that reminds her of Spike and sets her off - and that's bloody impossible because everything reminds her of Spike. And now I'm saying bloody like a real native. I swear, Giles, she's sending me over the edge!"
Giles simply nodded, pinned in place by Dawn's surprisingly frightening stare. "Yes, yes...of course. I'll be here. But what exactly do you have in mind?"
Dawn sat and leaned her head on her crossed arms on the table, sighing. She straightened up and slumped back in her seat. "I've no clue. But surely the Scoobies can come up with something? We saved the world, Giles! Fixing Buffy should be easy compared to that!"
Giles shivered under her imploring gaze. How on earth would he be able to get out of this one? Somehow, he felt very sure that his entire life was about to change.
Buffy woke the next day as she heard Dawn clomping down the stairs and slamming the door behind her. For some reason, quiet was not something Dawn had ever mastered and Buffy mumbled Spike-like expletives under her breath and turned over to hug her pillow. She'd been having a dream...the dream...the one where he'd stood, bathed in bright light in the caverns below the school, but instead of dying, the light went out and he ran to her, arms outstretched, wrapping her close and whispering his love. It was just about to get interesting when she'd suffered Dawnus interruptus. That girl...
As it became clear that the dream wouldn't be returning and that sleep was now a mere memory, Buffy kicked off the covers and shuffled downstairs to gorge herself on Dawn's chocolate covered cereal and watch some daytime tv. Such was her life.
Last night had been a bust, slayer-wise; not one measly vampire or demon to relieve the boredom, even though she'd deliberately headed into the seedier areas. She'd had to fight off a drunk, but that wasn't difficult as a gentle push had him heading to the ground, where he remained as Buffy stepped over him. She'd probably served him the pint that pushed him beyond his capacity, but she didn't care.
She didn't care about much these days. Even shopping didn't have the same attraction, and as for her appearance...Her hair was dull and she usually just dragged it back into a ponytail, and lip-gloss was a once a week application just to stop Dawn giving her "the talk" again. Why should she be bothered by what she looked like? It wasn't as if she wanted any attention from the opposite sex, far from it. Sleep, eat, work, slay - that was her life now.
That - and the mourning, of course.
She glanced at the clock and suppressed a groan, time to shift her butt into gear and get to work. Another day had passed, spent fondling well-worn pages and sniffing cloth that no longer held his scent. In the periphery of her mind, Buffy knew this couldn't continue, but she told herself she'd make a change tomorrow, sort out her head and move on.
Those words...move on. Giles said them with his eyes every time he looked at her. Dawn too. Nobody loved Spike more than Dawn did, and yet she had managed to deal with her grief and have a normal life, studying now in London for an Art degree while still helping out at the Watcher's Council with research when required. Andrew and Dawn were thick as thieves, best buddies - and didn't that beat all? - and Buffy sometimes envied her the ability to adapt. She'd love to be able to, start enjoying life, get some new interests. Stop crying...
But not tonight. No, tonight she would go back to the pub, play the Ramones again and find a quiet corner in which to hole up. Not that it would be quiet tonight; it was the weekend and that meant aching feet and beer-stained clothes. Oh joy.
Without even looking in the mirror, Buffy tied back her hair, dragged on her coat and headed out, wondering idly why Dawn hadn't been home.
Dawn waited past the time that Buffy should have left before creeping into the house and shouting up the stairs, crossing her fingers that Buffy hadn't had a sudden whim about staying home. There was no reply so she sprinted through the house, pushing open doors to satisfy herself that it really was Buffy-free. Grinning, she dialled Giles' office number first, following up with Xander and Willow's cells and waited.
It wasn't long before Willow showed up, having teleported from the retreat near Lesnes Abbey Woods. It seemed almost like business as usual when Xander arrived with a box of doughnuts, closely followed by Giles who looked decidedly nervous as he took his seat around the polished oak table in the large diner kitchen. Dawn took a moment to drink in the sight and marvel at the memories it triggered as the three original Scoobies bickered good naturedly. Eventually, they all turned to Dawn when they ran out of things to say.
"I suppose you all want to know why I wanted you here, huh?" Raised eyebrows and nods greeted her. "It's Buffy."
"Yeah, we kinda got that, Dawnie," Xander drawled, "seeing as how you sobbed and whined about her yesterday and made sure she'd be outta the way today. But Buffy what?"
Dawn took a deep breath. They all knew what was up with Buffy, but nobody spoke about it - and it was time they did. "You know what, Xander. She needs Spike."
Willow, Xander and Giles exchanged glances of varying puzzlement, Giles blushing, much to Dawn's amusement. She continued. "I don't care how we do it, but we need to get her Spike, ‘cause she's driving me crazy!" Giles' sputtering cough interrupted Dawn's flow. "Giles, you're very non-calm tonight. What's up?"
Giles muttered, his head bowed, and prayed that somebody else would speak. Xander, for once, was his saviour. "The G-Man's probably trying to point out that we may be a super-sexy Watcher in training, a wicked hot witch, a former key and head honcho extraordinaire, but we can't raise the dead. Well - obviously that's a big fat lie, but we can't raise the undead - can we?" He turned to Willow who shook her head vigorously in denial.
"Nope, so not going there. You know what happened last time with the scary black-eyed girl, and with the Dawn and Doc thing a big bust. I think we just leave dusty things dusted and get Buffy a hobby."
"Or a Spikebot," Dawn suggested, earning another blush from Giles and a look of consideration from Willow as she pondered whether she could actually do it. Xander was horrified, remembering the original intention behind Warren's Buffybot, and its very obvious talents as witnessed by him and Anya in the cemetery.
"Willow? Come on, you know you can so make a Spikebot, it'll be easy." Dawn tried Imploring Eyes No 2 copyright Dawn Summers, which would have worked if Giles hadn't interrupted.
"Ahem...I really don't think that's appropriate. And anyway, I'm sure that Buffy won't be fooled by a Spike robot, no matter how well made."
"He always was compact and well-muscled," mused Xander, shaking himself when he realised he'd spoken aloud. "For a vampire...you know...and anyway, we don't need to fool her, we can tell her the truth. Here's a Spikebot, use it."
"Ewww! Xander! That's gross, and that's my sister you're talking about. I don't wanna think about her doing...that. It's freaky."
"It was your idea!"
"Yeah, but I meant to go slaying with or walking with or sitting and watching tv with. I didn't mean to do that with...Great! Now I can't stop thinking about it."
Two and a half sets of glazed eyes confirmed that neither could anybody else in the room. Giles motivated himself first to try to change the subject and escape from the predicament he found himself in. "Ummm, we could...distract her, give her more jobs to do. We're desperately short of help at the Council."
Dawn snorted. "Pfft, yeah. Like Buffy's gonna wanna come help the tweed brigade. Didn't you hear her say she'd sooner stick herself in the eyes with red hot needles the last time you asked her to come do the show and tell slayer thing?"
"Yes, but as I recall she had just arrived here and I think she's settled quite well now...except for this small matter, of course. I'm sure it's just a phase, Dawn, and if we ignore it and let her get on with her mourning, she'll snap out of it soon enough. These things take time."
Dawn was frustrated. Buffy wouldn't get over mourning Spike any time soon, she just knew it. And she felt helpless and pissed, and she wanted her mom. And Tara, possibly Anya. But, truth be told, she wanted Spike - almost as much as Buffy did.
Willow patted Dawn on the arm and smiled. "I know how she feels, Dawnie. When Tara...well, you know how well I coped with that. But it does get easier. You don't forget, you just keep them here, inside." Willow placed her hand over her heart and looked at both Giles and Xander who were nodding in agreement, both remembering people they'd loved who were now gone.
Dawn ground her teeth. She knew all this, she'd been through all this. But this was different. Buffy wasn't dealing, she was getting worse, and one day soon she'd simply give up and there'd be one less slayer in the world. The thought of that scared Dawn more than she'd ever admit out loud. Unbidden, her eyes filled with tears that pooled and spilled in silver rivulets down her cheeks, her chin trembling as she tried to keep that stiff upper lip that Giles was so fond of.
In the face of Dawn's obvious distress, Giles conceded defeat. It had become increasingly difficult to keep the secret anyway and part of him welcomed the opportunity to share the burden and the subsequent decisions with someone else. He placed his glasses on the table in front of him and squeezed the bridge of his nose to ease his throbbing headache. It had been foolish of him to think that news of the magnitude he'd received a month earlier could remain undelivered for long.
"I may have a solution, then, although I hesitate to tell you...because then you'll be as culpable as I once the truth is discovered." When he replaced his glasses, he found a rapt audience staring back at him. "The thing is...well, of late I've...in LA, the fight, with Angel...but of course you don't even know about...well maybe Willow..."
"Giles! Please! You're killing me here - spill already! I've only got one lifetime, and I want to spend it somewhere other than here," Xander pleaded. His jaw dropped, along with Willow's and Dawn's, when Giles spoke.
"Spike's alive."
tbc