She jumped awake again in the middle of the night, her eyes quickly darting around the room, trying to remember where she was. A soft sigh escaped her lips when the memories returned to her. Rome. The fairly posh apartment she’d rented while she was here looking for other newly-called slayers. She let her head fall back on the pillow, desperately wanting to get back into her dream.
It had been months since she'd dreamed of him. For the five weeks following what would have been the end of the world, Buffy had dreamt constantly. She would see him even when her eyes only closed for a few seconds. As clearly as if he was standing right in front of her. Usually she just relived their last moment together; their hands joined, fingers intertwined. She’d touched his soul then. Literally. And in those few seconds when their hands had burst into flames she could see it. See all of it. His hurt, his pain. His joy, his love. Everything he’d lived. Everything he’d loved. Every scrape and every fall. Everything that made him who and what he was.
She saw the moment when Drusilla had turned him into a vampire. Complete with all the details he had left out. Like the light brown curls and the glasses he sported, and how very innocent, or what a ponce he was, as he would have said. She saw Drusilla hold his heart in the palm of her hand with just one word. “Effulgent”. Saw the change in his eyes. How he thought he found her. The one person that would understand him and see the person he really was underneath his skin. He had wanted it so badly to be her. He had stuck around long after Angelus had ridden him of any illusions concerning who Drusilla belonged to, as he listened to her ragged moans while her “daddy” took his pleasure. He had hoped that maybe one day she would look at him again and see him again. Like he thought she had that first night when he’d given her his life. But she never looked at him like that again, and eventually he’d left.
She saw Angelus teach him to be a monster. How he took everything from him. As if Drusilla hadn’t been enough to break him. For the first time, she understood why he hated Angel so much.
And then she’d seen herself as he saw her. Golden skin glowing in the softest light. Soft, blonde curls trailing down her back. Emerald eyes staring into his. Deadly muscles dancing beneath her skin with every move. Everything about her screaming of power and grace. And when she looked into his eyes this image of herself and the awe in his eyes made her gasp for breath.
And then she’d said it. The thing that she knew he’d wanted so desperately to hear for so long. The words that he’d begged her to say countless times. The words that no other woman had ever really said to him before. Not Drusilla. Not any woman he’d loved. She’d said: “I love you”. She watched a tiny spark of hope flicker for a moment in his eyes. But then it was gone to be replaced with sadness he tried to cover with a kind smile. “No, you don’t. But thanks for saying it.” was the only thing he’d said.
And then she’d left. Left him there to die for her and the world. Left him to be able to stand with what was left of those she treasured most in the world and stare down into the giant crater formerly known as Sunnydale. Left him to stand there and listen to their questions that she had no answers for and smile. Smile because maybe now it would be different. Maybe now she wouldn’t be alone anymore. She had smiled because she’d changed the world forever.
After the first five weeks of constant dreaming, he had disappeared from her dreams entirely. And her nights were empty. She didn’t dream at all. She went to bed tired and woke up still more tired. But she’d pushed through. She was the fearless leader after all.
She'd moved on with her life and tried to make the best of it. She travelled throughout Europe for a while, visiting places where there had been reports of supernaturally strong women fighting in the street. It wasn’t as if they could put out some sort of public service announcement: ‘Hey, if you’ve recently contracted a bad case of superhuman strength and a habit of getting jumped by fanged attackers, please call this number.’ Though there were slayers everywhere now, the new Council that Giles himself was heading was still very much underground. Vamps and other demons had wised up about the situation however. New slayers that had no idea of their new powers or what was going got killed left and right. The vampires in particular got a kick out of drinking a slayer dry.
A few months into the new Council it became obvious that someone had to go on the road and try and find as many of the new slayers as possible. By then all Buffy’s friends had found themselves a new place. Giles was getting the Council back in gear in England. Dawn had chosen to stay with him and despite Buffy’s misgivings was well on her way to becoming a watcher herself. Xander and Willow had decided that they needed a little time off from the group. Xander was currently backpacking through all of Europe and would check in with all of them about once a month. He would report any suspicious demon activity or any slayers he might have stumbled upon and sent the Council’s way. He’d made it clear to all of them however that this was to be the extent of his involvement in the new operation. After Anya’s death he hadn’t wanted to continue helping.
Willow and Kennedy were scouring the world for witches that they could convince to join the Council. It could never hurt to have more magic on your side in the case of another apocalypse. They talked to Giles frequently and Buffy almost as frequently. Andrew had earned himself a position as watcher for all the new slayers. He would explain their calling to them in detail and commence their training under Giles’ guidance. Faith had moved to Cleveland. The fight had always been what she enjoyed most in life. To everyone’s surprise, Wood had gone with her. The two had a small, Spartan apartment and went patrolling every night. Buffy got the occasional call from Faith, but otherwise that was all they saw of her.
With all her friends trying to rebuild their lives, there was no one left to find new slayers but her. She had been in most of the major cities of Europe and some of the not so major ones. She stayed for a few weeks in each, renting an apartment and going out every night, looking for women like her. But her loneliness did not decrease with each slayer she found. It increased. She felt smaller and smaller. Less and less important. Giles had ceased to consult her about Council matters. He merely made decisions and then informed her of them. Slowly but surely she was becoming less and less instrumental to their operation. Of course she found new slayers, but even without her help dozens of slayers were finding their way to the Council on their own. She found herself in the strange situation of being no longer necessary within a group where she had previously been pivotal. Being excluded this way, though not done intentionally, made her feel even more alone.
And then the dreams had gone away, and she truly was alone. She didn’t allow herself to think of him during her long days. Whenever it became apparent that she wouldn’t find any other slayers she would go out looking for a fight. She would often return home at dawn, her muscles pained from the exertion of the fight, drop into bed fully clothed and sleep. In her first few years as the Slayer she would think dusting three vampires in the same night was a lot. Now she wouldn’t even think of returning home before she’d slayed at least fifteen. The dreams had been a comfort despite the fact that she would see that one moment over and over again. That moment that she hadn’t been there for. The moment Spike’s body burned up, his jaw tightening in pain even as his mouth laughed. This was the moment when she jumped awake. Yet every night she would try and go back into the dream if only to see his face again and feel his hand in hers.
When the dreams stopped, she started looking for him in other places. She would spend her night looking for a vampire that had his hair, or would throw a punch much like he did. And once she found him she’d prolong the fight. Sometimes she’d let them fight her for hours, always aware that she could end the fight in a matter of seconds. But none of these vamps gave her the thrill she got when fighting Spike. Try as she might, none of them were him. None of them could rival his snarky comments or the look of lust in his eyes as he moved to block her hits with all the grace of a dancer. She wished desperately that she could’ve kept something of his. But all of Sunnydale was gone and thus all that was still left of him.
Buffy started to close her eyes again in an attempt to get more sleep that she knew wouldn’t come when she heard the shrill, annoying sound of her cell phone. ‘Apparently the world is against me going back to sleep’ she thought.
“Damn it! Where is that fucking phone?”
She searched for it underneath the constantly growing pile of clothes on her bedroom floor. When she finally found it she hit the button without even having to look at the caller ID to know who it was.
“Giles.” Buffy said.
“Buffy. I’m afraid I’ve just finished speaking to Willow and it appears that we may have a slight apocalypse on our hands.”
“Any chance the world would still be there tomorrow if I go back to sleep and deal with this tomorrow?”
“Buffy…” Giles said in a slightly sterner tone of voice.
“Right. Nevermind. Duty calls and all that. Where do you want me?”
“Well the apocalypse has not yet begun, but the seer Willow found was able to pinpoint its origins. She is uncertain of the reason it will begin. Or rather end.”
“Ok. So where am I going?”
“She has said that it will apparently not be a successful apocalypse, but we need to cover all our bases so I still want you there to deal with whatever will occur.”
“Okkk….and there is where?”
“It’s imperative that you make finding out why this apocalypse will start and whose doing it is, Buffy. We may very well have a new player on our hands.”
“Is there a reason why you’re not telling me where I’m going? ‘Cause you know, kind of hard to get my Slayer self over there when I don’t know where there is.”
“I merely need to make sure that you understand my reasons for sending you and do not get distracted. This information could be crucial to the Council and may very well help us be proactive in stopping the end of the world by gathering our forces and…”
“Giles! I get it. I’m indistractable girl. Now, can we please get to the part where I get to kick someone’s ass? Where am I going?”
“You’re going to LA, Buffy. It appears that Angel is somehow involved in the coming of this apocalypse.”
“Oh.”, was all Buffy said as she listened to the rest of Giles’ directions.
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!