The night air was thick with the smell of the fresh summer cut grass and blooming trees. A quick thunderstorm had rejuvenated the earth. The only sound was that of their feet swishing though the damp grass.
The silence was unbearable. For the last two hours, Buffy had hardly spoken more that two words to Spike. She’d barked off a command when a vampire had attacked earlier, but not much else.
The silence was killing Spike. He knew something was wrong with her, but she wasn't saying a word. It had become almost routine for them to talk while they patrolled. A friendly nightly chat, just between friends.
But they weren't just friends. Somewhere along the way they’d become more. Maybe it was when he risked his life to protect Dawn, or maybe the fact that he’d knew how she felt having to crawl out of her grave. Or maybe it was just being brought back to this cruel world that they called home. Whatever it was, there was no going back. They were connected on a level that was beyond words.
Finally unable to stand it any longer, he broke the silence. "What wrong, Buffy?" His voice was normal, with no hint of the fear he held inside.
Silence and Buffy were his greatest fears. If she stopped talking, if she shut down. He feared she’d go back to the way she was right after her return- closed off, empty. That fear haunted him most of all. Losing her the first time was painful enough. He couldn't bear to lose her again. He’d die first.
"Nothing."
“Don't give me that, Buffy. There's something wrong and I know it." Letting his fear turn into anger, he glared at her out of the corner of his eye.
Anger he could handle, but fear was something he buried deep down inside. The ‘big bad’ that had killed two slayers couldn't be afraid of silence, or losing another slayer.
But this was different. This was Buffy. She was more than just a slayer, she was his slayer. His love, his life… the reason for his continued existence.
“You won't just let it go will, you?" she sighed.
Shaking his head, he mumbled "No."
She knew he’d grill her until she broke. Taking a deep breath, she slowly released it before looking into his endless blue eyes. "Do you know what today is?"
Spike blinked, as the question caught him off guard. For a moment he couldn't think of anything that was of any significance that day, or that week, for that matter. It’d been a nice, normal summer night, right? So why was it that all of a sudden it was more than that.
Then the realization hit him. His eyes widened and him mouth dropped open.
"Yeah" she said softly. "One year ago tonight, I died."
Spike walked over to her and gentle placed his hand on her shoulder. "I'm sorry, luv. I didn't remember. Didn't want ta remember. The pain of losing ya was too much.” He sighed, looking into her hazel eyes. “When ya came back, I wanted ta pretend it never happened. I'm sorry."
"Well, I can't just forget. I wish I could, but I can't. One year ago, I died. Left my family and friends behind and dove off the tower.”
“I was in heaven, Spike. I know I was.” Buffy said with tears glistening in her eyes.
“My mother was there. She held me like she did when I was a baby. Wrapping her arms around me. Making me felt safe for the first time in a long time. I felt safe, Spike.”
“Sure, I missed you guys, but somehow I knew you were all safe. I knew you’d keep your word and protect Dawn."
Thinking about all the things that had happened in her life over the past year was too much for the petite blond slayer to take. Moisture pooled in the corners of her eyes as one lonely tear escaped.
Gingerly cupping her cheek in his hand, Spike gently brushed away the tear while his other hand wrapped around her waist and quickly pulled her into his loving embrace. Buffy completely broke down in his arms.
"They brought me back. Why Spike? Why did they do that?" she cried.
"I'm sorry. I didn't know what they were doing until it was too late. Ya were already back."
"Would you have stopped them if you’d known?"
"Back then I would’ve, but now," his voice trailed off, not knowing how to tell her he’d secretly wished every night for her return.
"If I’d known then that we’d be like this now, I wouldn’t have honestly said no. I wouldn't have stopped them.”
“I’d have found a way to make it less painful, but I wouldn't have stopped them, Buffy. I don't regret anything that has happened between us. What’s happened between us has made us what we are. It’s showed me how much I really love you. That’s something I’ll never regret."
Looking up into his beautiful and loving face she could see he meant it. He didn't regret this, and neither did she.
He’d been her rock since she had returned. He knew her wants and needs. He knew her better than she knew herself, some days.
Her only problem was that she hid her feelings for him from everyone. She’d wanted to tell him so many times, but just couldn't.
She’d tried to tell Willow and couldn't. The only one who knew anything about them was Tara, and even then she hadn’t been able to admit she had real feelings for him.
"Me neither. I like this. Us.”
“I don't regret it, but I want more. More than us sneaking around, more than us just..." she paused looking for the right word.
"Shagging," he offered with a soft, teasing smile that light up his eyes.
"Yeah" she sighed. "How is it that you know exactly what I'm thinking?"
That made him chuckle. "Slayer, I've always known. That's what drew us together. Me being the Big Bad 'grrr' that I am and ya being the good little Slayer that ya are. But somewhere along the way, things changed. We changed."
"I became a little darker and you became a little lighter." She offered up knowing what he meant.
"Now who's finishing whose sentence?” he teased making her smile a bit. “See, that’s what I mean. Somewhere in between, in that grey area. We fit."
squawks
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!
05/18/17 04:16 am
pj! I remember wishing one of your stories would be finished seriously about a decade ago. Amazing. I just tried an old password I used to use and amazingly got in too. Memories!
pj
03/20/17 01:20 am
10 yrs later, i finally rem my username and password. Pari, you rock. Hope you are well.
Rabbit_moon1
12/23/16 01:12 pm
I donate every month. Please donate to keep this site up!
AudryDaluz1
10/06/16 08:34 am
Great post.
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:45 pm
And anyone else who loves this site, it's worth mentioning there's a nifty little "Donate" option just below the shout box here! ;)
Chrissel
08/31/16 03:43 pm
Just wanted to take a moment to thank Pari and all the mods for maintaining such a great site!